|| Twas The Night Before Climax Control - Segment 1 of SCW's Big Ass Christmas Extravaganza ||Tis the season to be jolly, when we take a moment to spend time with the ones we care about. When everyone is merry and buying gifts for the ones who truly matter most. Well what would the holidays be without a holiday special? A Charlie Brown Christmas.. Rudolph the red nosed reindeer.. And just like those, SCW's Big Ass Christmas Extravaganza.. Presented by Alex Kaelin.. Will no doubt become a holiday favorite for years to come. Yes, Alex Kaelin had a match with Drexel Matheson at Climax Control. And no doubt he would be addressed, why not try and bring some holiday joy to the fans of SCW? Nobody wants to hear doom and gloom all the time like that dribble that spews out of Matheson mouth when he isn't coughing and hacking. That match had high stakes to it, the winner would go on to the next round in the roulette championship tournament. Alex Kaelin had his eyes set on it and no one was going to stop him from taking it. Who was going to stop him.. Drexel? Bruce Evans? Not a chance in hell. Funny, when he first walked into SCW someone had mentioned to him how they would get their roulette championship back. Well if that person wanted it now, then they would have to go through Alex Kaelin. One thing everyone knew about Alex Kaelin is he wasn't afraid to make a mockery of things and that is exactly what his intentions were. So many people wanted to be the 'serious wreslter' well they would be pretty pissed when the Big Ass Christmas Extravaganza showed up on SCW television.
When the scene opens, we see Alex Kaelin sitting in a big comfy chair next to a warm cozy fire burning away in the fireplace. Stockings hung from it, each with a name of a reject "Watts" "Gavin" & Mikah" in glittering letters on the big red Christmas stockings.. Alex Kaelin is wearing a maroon smoking jacket and a pair of black slacks. He has a book in his hand, the cover reads "The night before Climax Control" After taking a moment to light up a cigarette he looks into the camera and speaks.
"Merry Christmas fuckers & welcome to SCW's Big Ass Christmas Extravaganza.. Hosted by yours truly.. The Notorious Alex Kaelin. Tonight it is my goal to be merry and spread cheer to our viewers. We want to put smiles on your faces. Ha who the fuck am I kidding, SCW didn't even sanction this. Hell I'm not even sure if I'll have a job by the time this special is over.He opened the book that was in his lap and cleared his throat several times, then hacked and coughed.. Clearly poking fun at Drexel Matheson and all the coughing and shit he does before he speaks. Then Alex smiles and nods his head as if to say "Sorry about then" he holds the book up but a little bit so he can read it yet the viewers at home can still see his face.
"Tonight we are going to start the extravaganza off with a new take on classic Christmas tale. So sit back, have a cup of spiced eggnog and listen to this classic tale..
'Twas the night before Climax Control, when all through the house
not a creature was stirring.. Not even Liz Smalls twitter account.
Drexel's wrestling boots were hung by the chimney with care,
in hopes that Santa would soon be there.
Drexel was nestled all snug in his bed,
The man had just settled in for a long winter's nap.
After having a good stroke while visions of Misty danced in his head.
All of a sudden there arose such a clatter...
Drexel sprang from his bed to see what was the matter!
Down the stairs he stumbled and clashed,
Falling flat on his face as he tripped over his cat..It was obvious that Alex Kaelin was using this classic Christmas tale to poke fun at his opponent this week. The man really had no class and if any parent was watching hopefully they are smart enough to send the children out of the room because if Alex Kaelin is in charge of a holiday special you know it isn't going to be rated pg-13. Again he cleared his throat, hacked and coughed before composing himself.. Much in the manner that Drexel would have.
When what to his wondering eyes should appear,
But the best damn wrestler in SCW standing in his living room! Alex Kaelin that's who!
So Drexel rose to his feet with his knees shaking together, when a little bit of piss ran down his leg,
Alex Kaelin then proceeded to kick his ass from pillar to post & all around his damn house.
With a black eye & bloody nose, Drexel held up his hands in surrender.
And much like the cops I ignored it and slapped him across the face and asked what was the matter?
Drexel then summoned all of the manhood he could muster & he screamed like a little bitch..
I'M CALLING THE COPS!!!
Hearing sirens in the distance with red & blue lights illuminating the night..
Alex Kaelin began thumbing through his cell phone for a get away ride..
So that he could disappear into the Christmas night..
As he flipped through his contacts he spoke to himself..
"Not Gavin! Not Mikah!
No, not Melody and Roxi!
or, Drake! or, Trishelle!
Or, Equinox and Hydro!
With no time to check his voicemail,
Alex Kaelin made away in a dash, with Andrew Watts pulling up in the getaway car and yelling
Run Muthfucka Run!
With Drexel left bloody and in a sobbing heap..
Alex & Watts laughed with glee.
As they drove recklessly into this silent night..
They yelled out the windows "MERRY CHRISTMAS!! AND TO ALL A GOODNIGHT!!"The lights dimmed on the set with Alex Kaelin only being illuminated by the glow of the fireplace and the cigarette that hung from the corner of his mouth. No doubt that classic tale would be spread through out families of all generations to come.
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|| A Rejects Christmas Carol | part 1 - Segment 2 of SCW's Big Ass Christmas Extravaganza ||The scene fades in on a bed with curtains all around it, you can hear someone snoring as a bright light illuminates the room. It grows brighter and brighter until the whole room is white with it's glow. The curtains are thrown back and you see Alex Kaelin in Batman sleep pants and a shirt that says "REJECTS" on the front. Also, he is wearing a nightcap.. You know the hat Scrooge wears in a Christmas Carol?
"Who dare disturbs my slumber!""I'm the ghost of Christmas past.. Why do you have to be so rude?When the glow of the light begins to dim it is revealed that The Ghost of Christmas past is played by none other then Mikah. Her blonde hair trailing down her back, wearing a white dress and a silver glittering tutu. She is clearly annoyed as she crosses her arms and begins tapping her foot.
"Ghost of Christmas past?""Yeah dork, your past. Now hurry up I don't have all day."Hey, stick to the script..""Pft.."For a moment the bright light illuminates the room, and thanks to the magic of editing they are whisked away to a strip club in Vegas. Alex has a smile on his face as this place brings back lots of memories then all of a sudden his face turns to horror when he see's who is up on stage. Watts did a good job of finding a skanky stripper that looked like his ex-wife, but Alex let out a sigh of relief when he realized it wasn't really sunshine.. But he played along anyway.
"Is that.. Sunshine??"Yeah, your ex-wife? The stripper who took you for all the money you had. Yep that's her, well some skank you paid to play her role but whatevs.Alex narrowed his eyes as he glared at Mikah, he knew that he should of gotten someone else to play the role of Christmas past. Mikah just looked at him and shrugged her shoulders as if to say "What?" not that any of them are taking this too seriously either way.
"Seriously though Alex, this is your past? This isn't even a high class strip club this is just filthy and yuck.""Listen you aren't hear to judge me alright? Now stick to the script or I'm getting grumpy cat to replace you!""Rude!"She reaches up and slaps him upside the head then proceeds to cross her arms and taps her foot, we see someone walking up to the stage. Who is that you might ask? Well it's Nick Lachey, you know the former singer of 98 degrees. Alex shakes his head and mumbles to himself.
"I should of known better then to let Watts do all the casting..""Oh my god, is that suppose to be you?""Zip it.."Mikah the ghost of Christmas past & Alex Kaelin walk towards the stage and we see Nick Lachey throwing dollars bills on the stage like he can't get rid of them fast enough. The viewers at home are then treated to a very raunchy strip tease by the stripper they had hired to play Sunshine. The brunette rode up and down the pole, humping and grinding and working that money maker. The camera pans back around to Mikah who is just shaking her head and clearly repulsed by this.
"Seriously Alex, I didn't sign up for this.. A stripper? Really? Watts said this was a Christmas special..""It is a Christmas special, we are relieving my past.. Haven't you seen a Christmas Carol?""Yes! But the one I saw never had a skanky stripper in it! She is humping the pole Alex.. Who does that??""Well, mine does so zip it."Mikah snapped her fingers and thanks to the magic of editing they are now in what looks like a locker room. Alex looks around before turning back to Mikah, he tried sticking to the script but clearly Mikah was not.
"Spirit, why have you brought me here?""This is your past.. Shouldn't you know?"Then the locker room door opens and in walks Andrew Watts, he waves to the studio audience and they clap and cheer as he enters the locker room. Kinda like an episode of friends when Joey would walk into the apartment. Andrew Watts walks by Mikah & Alex and sits down next to Nick Lachey who is playing the role of Alex Kaelin's past.
"Haha.. I remember this, first time I met Watts. That son of a bitch, couldn't ask for a better friend.""Well it's clear you had pretty low standards at this point in your life so I can see why you couldn't find any better friends."Andrew Watts hears what Mikah said and turned around and pointed his finger. Hey you can't blame the guy for taking offense to that? Watts thought he was a very good friend even if some people disagreed.
"Hey, what the hell did I ever do to you?"Hey! You aren't suppose to be able to see us!"Mikah picks up a rolls of athletic tape and throws it at Watts head. He glares at Mikah and they each point at each other as if to say "Cut it out!" Watts then takes a seat across from Nick Lachey and the two begin to chat.
"Hey brotha, you have been kind of on a roll since you signed with this company. Names Andrew Watts."He reaches out and the two shake hands, Watts really doing the best job he can to keep from laughing because he managed to get Nick Lachey to play Alex Kaelin of the past. This would of been several years ago when Alex Kaelin first bust onto the scene.
"Haha, yea I know.. I am kind of a big deal..""Ha, guess you have always been full of yourself."Alex glares at Mikah as Andrew Watts continued his conversation with the Alex Kaelin of yesterday.. Fucking Nick Lachey really? Couldn't have gotten someone like Tom Cruise? Alex just shook his head as he watched the scene unfold.
"Yea, you are kind of a big deal aren't you? If you stick around, I see you going far in this company.""I know, I'm kind of a big deal."Andrew scratches his head a little, well Nick Lachey has limited acting capabilities so he can't remember to many lines. Guess you get what you pay for when you go through a casting agency. Watts lets out a sigh before speaking again.
"You know I think the two of us are going to be best friends.."The lights dim in the locker room. The only lights are the spotlight above Andrew Watts and the spotlight above Mikah & Alex. Somber music begins to play and you can hear the soft tones of a children's choir singing.
"He looks so sad... What the fuck?"Watts turns around to look at them, he is making a very over exaggerated sad face. He wasn't taking this seriously and still trying not to laugh. In fact in this instance the studio audience was laughing. They are just having fun and making a mockery of a Christmas classic as well as SCW in the process. You never knew what to expect with this group. Since SCW didn't authorize this, no doubt they would do everything they could to distance themselves from this Big Ass Christmas Extravaganza.
"Of course he is sad, you left the company without letting anyone know. Just one day, poof you are gone. That's very rude Alex.. What kind of best friend does that?"Andrew Watts stands up and walks out of the locker room, stopping at the door and giving the camera one last sad expression before flipping the light switch. With that the scene goes dark and The ghost of Christmas Past skips out of the room because she has shopping she needs to get done.
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|| A Rejects Christmas Carol | part 2 - Segment 3 of SCW's Big Ass Christmas Extravaganza ||With visions of the past out of the way, our hero Alex Kaelins again lays sleeping in his bed. Clad in his batman sleep pants and rejects t-shirt we see a hand reach out and yank the nightcap from his head.
"Bro, what the fuck is this?""Who the fuck are you?"The camera zooms out and we see Andrew Watts standing in a bathrobe, because you know.. That's what the ghost of Christmas present wore in the movies right? A robe? Watts looked at the funny hat and tossed it to the side.
"Dick, I'm the ghost of Christmas present. Now come on, we got some shit to see."Again the bright light filled the room until all you saw was a white light filling the screen and then as it dimmed we see Alex Kaelin & Andrew Watts standing in the middle of a wrestling ring. They look across the ring and standing in the corner is some scruffy homeless dude. Long hair, torn jeans and he has an eye patch.
"See that scruffy looking fucker? That is Drexel Matheson, yea I kicked his ass a few weeks back."Okay so it wasn't exactly Drexel Matheson in the ring. It was some homeless dude they picked up off the street to play the part, which wasn't to hard because.. Well have you seen Drexel Matheson? Dude looks like he hasn't washed his hair since 1994. Suddenly the bell rings and Watts charges across the ring at Homeless Drexel Matheson and hits him with the highlight.. Planting him into the canvas. Suddenly a ref slides into the ring and counts the 1..2...3...!!!
"See bro, just like that."As Watts stands up and brushes himself off, Alex and Watts watch as the homeless guy portraying Matheson begins bouncing his head off the canvas repeatedly saying "STUPID STUPID STUPID!!" Alex raises an eyebrow slightly as he looks at Watts who leans against the ropes, Watts lets out a laugh as he looks over at the homeless dude.
"Haha, Matheson took that loss pretty hard. Kinda freaked out after he lost to yours truly..""Banging his head like that after getting hit with the highlight.. That's not very bright, kind of like kicking a table after losing to the ankle lock isn't it..?"They both shares a laugh and then the homeless man glared at Alex. Again, Alex raised his eyebrow wondering what the hell was going on. This homeless guy looked like he wanted to kill Alex.
"Well this is the present and you do have a match against Drexel so..""Are you fucking kidding me??"Suddenly the homeless dude charged at Alex , Watts stood in the corner and laughed as well as cheering Alex on. Right now Alex Kaelin was in the middle of the ring, wrestling a homeless dude while wearing batman sleep bottoms and a rejects t-shirt. It wasn't a back and forth fight, the homeless dude didn't know a wristlock from a wrist watch.
"Come on bro, you got this!""The fucker bit me!!""Ah shit.. Hope he doesn't have rabies or some shit like that."Alex & The homeless dude struggled until Alex kicked him right in the nuts. Watts had a look on his face like "What the fuck is that?" poor homeless guy fell to the canvas and Alex locked in his submission move the Devils Delight.
"Tap out!!!""Jesus dude, you kicked him in the nuts.. Don't you know the code of honor and that shit?"The homeless dude was tapping out and screaming in pain. After holding on a bit longer, Alex finally let it go and the stand in for Drexel Matheson. Alex stood up and looked down upon the man he had just beat. Damn right this was the present and that was exactly what was going to happen at climax control. Alex Kaelin then turns to the camera and looks into it with his eyebrow raised slightly, that bit of a crazy look in his eye.
"Ding ding motherfucker! Someone ring the bell, this match is over! Drexel, listen up cunt. That is what's in store for you at Climax control, I am going to leave you screaming in the middle of the ring begging for me not to rip your damn arm out of it's socket. Also, dude you need a fucking cough drop. Always hacking and coughing, ever heard of Nyquil? Try it sometime. Listen, I'm going to be honest with you.. Drexel, you don't stand a chance against me. I don't care if you are.. What the fuck was his nickname?"Alex turns to Watts who is seated on the top rope. Alex did not view Drexel as a threat, in fact he was mocking him a bit by not even bothering to remember his little nickname. Actually, Alex thought Drexel Matheson was very weak, not in ring wise but the dude seemed to be mentally fragile.
"The inhuman monstrum... Seriously dude, do some research or something."Watts shook his head and Alex turned to face the camera, while it was a rather ridiculous scene. Alex was amazing in the ring and if anyone bothered not to take him seriously then they would be in deep shit.
"Alright Frankenstein. I know you have these grand hopes and dreams of becoming roulette champion. So do a few other people.. Well I hate to be the one to break the bad news to all of you but that just is not going to happen when you have to stand toe to toe with The Notorious Alex Kaelin. Drexel I am walking into the ring this week and I'm going to make an example out of you just like I did those other two goofs in the triple threat match. You claim to be barbaric, you claim to be cruel. It doesn't matter if it is a hardcore match or a straight up wrestling match, YOU would never stand a chance against me. First I'm going to drive your head straight into the canvas with a curb stomp and then I am going to make you tap out. That's right, I want to hold it over your head that I made you give up. That I am the better man then you, that I own a little piece of your very soul. When you wake up the day after climax control and you brush your long greasy hair back and you look at that scruffy face in the mirror.. You are going finally come to the realization that you just can't hack it with the elite talent in this industry."One thing you could never accuse Alex of was being short on confidence. But to be honest he was overconfident at times. He believed he could step into the ring with anyone and walk out with a victory, you never heard any worry in his voice when he spoke. And compared to other people in SCW, Drexel Matheson was small potatoes. Sure, he was a good kid but he wasn't in the same league as Alex Kaelin.
"Unfortunately for you Drexel... You are dumb enough not to know any better. In your mind you believe you truly have a chance, motherfucker I've stepped into the ring with Olympic athletes and walked away with a victory. What the hell makes you think you are even going to give me so much as a challenge. Hell, you can all start calling me champ. You thought Watts was a challenge? Shit, I'm gonna finish the job he started and leave you flat lined. And once I am done with you, then I am going to go on and win this tournament and I will be your new Roulette Champion. I see no one in this tournament that is even going to hold a candle to me. You want to look at my past? Go right on a head, because when you step into that ring with me at Climax Control you are going to be dealing with the present and it isn't looking very good for you.""Hell yeah.. You tell him bro.."Alex looked back at Watts who gave him a thumbs up. Truth was, SCW might be a bit worried to have someone like Alex Kaelin as a champion in the company. He was a bit of a loose cannon and you never knew what to expect from him. Then again, that is what made him a perfect fit for the roulette title because Alex Kaelin was such a wildcard. SCW might be worried if any of The Rejects managed to capture gold in this company.
"Drexel you want to inflict pain on people, you want to make people suffer. That is all fine and dandy but you are a damn fool if you think you are going to run rough shot over me. See, I can get crazy as well. Hell, I don't think you can out crazy me. Because if you want to get crazy! THEN I CAN GET CRAZY! When I win the roulette championship then you can kiss your chances goodbye of ever holding onto that belt. You need to be ready to look in the mirror and accept that you just are not good enough. That you need to give up on these dreams you have of being champion. Because the man who holds the gold, holds the power and I am going to be a very powerful man in this company once that roulette championship is draped over my shoulder. This company has never seen a motherfucker like me, and they have never dealt with a power like the rejects. So regardless of what crazy match type they put us in, don't think the ball is going to be in your court if it is anything hardcore. Because you sure as hell don't scare me. You don't intimidate me, and I'm going to cave your fucking skull in."Alex Kaelin may be putting on a funny show for everyone's entertainment with the Big Ass Christmas Extravaganza.. But you can be damn sure he isn't taking this match as lightly as it would seem and Drexel Matheson is going to wonder what the hell he got himself into when he stepps into the ring with Alex Kaelin. Sure, Alex can be funny and most the time he does that stuff to get under peoples skin. But he is no joke in the ring and Drexel is going to find that out the hard way.
"The Rejects are going to run this joint, and bringing the roulette championship to our group gives us a little more power. And one by one, we will claim those championship until one day the people in charge are going to gather for a meeting wonder what they are going to do because The Rejects have all the power! We don't take orders, we give them and if you make rules then we are going to break them. We are in charge and you can gather all of your so called hall of famers and we will use them as stepping stones as we take our rightful place at the top of this industry.. I'm Alex Kaelin.. And yeah.. I'm kind of a big deal.."The lights cut out and the arena goes black. Alex Kaelin making his point clear, the roulette championship is coming home with him when this tournament is over and that the rejects don't have respect for anyone in this company.
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|| A Rejects Christmas Carol | part 3 - Segment 4 of SCW's Big Ass Christmas Extravaganza ||The screen is black and then a red glow emanates from the entrance to the arena. Suddenly the sounds of "The Bad Guy" by Bronx Casket Company hit the speakers and what looks like the grim reaper walks out from behind the curtain. The hood hides the mans face but it's clear that the ghost of Christmas future is none other then Gavin Stephens. After all, two of the rejects have already appeared and his entrance music just hit. As he stands facing the ring, he reaches out with his hand and gestures for Alex Kaelin to follow him. As Gavin The Ghost Of Christmas future turns away, Alex slides out of the ring and begins to follow him.
"You are Spirit of Christmas Yet To Come? And you are going to show me the errors of my ways? Gotta admit dude.. you are kind of creeping me out by not saying anything. I'm not sure I can change bro, I'm kind of set in my ways you know?... Wouldn't it be better if I just went home to bed? You know, skips this part?"The ghost of Christmas past didn't say anything, they walked through the hallways of the arena and of course getting weird looks because you had Alex Kaelin in batman sleep pants and a rejects t-shirt walking with the grim reaper.
"Silent treatment? Still pissed about the tag match.."When Alex said that, Gavin kicked the door open that lead outside and sternly pointed towards the exit. Alex held up his hands as if to say "Woah, take it easy alright?" When he walked outside a black hearse was waiting. The ghost of Christmas past opened the door and pointed to the casket in side which was open.
"You want me to get in the casket? Nah I'm good, I'll just ride shotgun.."Because of the robe on the hood, he couldn't see Gavin's face but he wasn't taking no for an answer apparently. So Alex climbs into the casket, wondering if this was all part of the script or if Gavin had finally fallen off the deep end. The casket closed and a few moments later you heard the hearse start up.
"Gavin? Hey what the fuck dude.. This wasn't in a Christmas Carol."For a few moments the screen goes black and then slowly fades back in and we see the hearse pulling into a graveyard. Gavin parks the hearse next to a hole in the ground and then removes the casket and puts it on rollers so he could move it easier before dumping it into the hole. You heard the casket crash as it fell into the whole and Alex yelling.
"Hey Dick! The hell was that for!"Because of the impact the casket lid popped open and Alex began to climb out. As he did he felt dirty hitting him in the head and Gavin had shovel and was beginning to shovel the dirt into the open grave. Stepping on the casket and jumping a little bit, he managed to climb out of the grave still clad in his batman sleep bottoms and his rejects t-shirt.
"The fuck was that for?!"Gavin points towards the headstone and it says "Here lies the career of Alex Kaelin" that took him by surprise. He then looked at Gavin and then back at the headstone, ah.. He got the point they were trying to get across.
"Are you trying to tell me that.. If I don't win the roulette championship, if I lose this tournament then.. My career is over?"Alex looks at the grave, holy shit is this how Scrooge felt when he was tossed in the grave? As he turned to look back at Gavin, he was given the thumbs up as far as yes that is the point they are trying to get across.
"I see the error of my ways!! I need to put more time into training, working on becoming a better wrestler! I promise to give one hundred percent every time I step into the ring! Even against douche bags like Drexel Matheson! From this day forth I will not let my friends down.. Which shouldn't be hard because I don't have to many but none the less! I am a changed man! Thank you Ghost of Christmas future for showing me.. Ah shit!"It was obvious Alex wasn't being serious as he spoke and that is probably why Gavin pushed Alex into the grave and you heard the "Thud" of his body hitting the ground. Gavin pulled the hood off and shook his head as he looked down into the grave. The camera looked over the edge and into the whole and Alex had landed on the casket.
"Okay.. I deserved that one.. Now help me up and out of this hole.. Gavin? Dude are you still around? Gavin!!"You could hear the hearse start up and Gavin driving off in the hearse. Alex was left in the hole but he would be okay, he would find a way out. Once the hearse was over the hill and out of view, it panned down to Alex who was once again climbing out of the hole. He shook his head and brushed some of the dirt off of himself.
"With friends like these.. Who needs enemies.."As Alex began walking along the path in the graveyard the song "Christmas Time Is Here" from a Charlie Brown Christmas began to play as the credits rolled on SCW's very first Big Ass Christmas Extravaganza.
|| CREDITS ||
-In Order Of Appreance -
Alex Kaelin as "The Notorious" Alex Kaelin
Mikah as The Ghost of Christmas Past
Skanky Stripper as Sunshine
Nick Lachey as Alex Kaelin from the past
Andrew Watts as "The Renegade" Andrew Watts & The Ghost Of Christmas Present
Scruffy Homeless dude as Drexel Matheson
Gavin Stephens as The Ghost Of Christmas Yet To ComeDear SCW - Have a Merry Christmas & Happy Holiday CUNTS
- Yours truly, The Rejects
