LISTEN UP DORKS!!!Jamie Staggs is seen standing at the head of the SCW ring after their last edition of Climax Control. In his hands, he tosses an empty bottle of KC Masterpiece between his hands. The stagehands behind him are dismantling the six sided ring, and Jamie Staggs has opted to place a military issued hat upon his head, reminiscent of a drill instructor. He squints his eyes in a series manner before flaring them up, along with his nostrils.
Jamie: Here in Sin City Wrestling, we like to make sure we carry ourselves with a certain sense of decoration.
Stagehand #1: It’s decorum, and you used this one in your last promo…
Jamie: Shut up butt weasel! If I wanted your opinion I woulda asked for it. Did you hear me ask for it? Huh? Huh? Wait, did I really?
The stagehand takes down the first of the six ring posts directly behind Jamie. Jamie scratches his head as the stagehand looks down toward Jamie, shaking his head in a sort of disbelief.
Stagehand #1: No, no you didn’t.
Jamie: Exactly! Now go back to doing your job so I can do mine shit stain!
Jamie looks down to the nearly empty container in his hand and he shrugs his shoulders. He stares at it and then he taps his chin with his free hand. Suddenly, the light bulb goes off above his head, literally.
Jamie: So like I was saying before I was so RUDELY INTERRUPTED DWAYNE!!! In SCW, we have pride in what we do. We have beef with someone, then we throw down and handle our business. We play the game and we play it fair. As you saw at Grinder, I came in the outsider and everyone wanted a piece. I stayed in the cage longer than anyone, and I should be your Heavyweight Champion, but I got gangbanged like a naïve blonde fresh outta Nebraska who thinks it’s “art”. I got busted open by the boss, and that’s fine. You can’t win ‘em all. But I watched something tonight that made me want to wipe my ass with BACW…
Jamie holds up the bottle that was once full of KC Masterpiece and he stares at it wide eyed and pissed off. He dropkicks the bottle out into where the audience once stood. He punches at the air in a mixture of mental breakdown and rock star impersonation. The stagehands stop their work and they begin laughing at him. He turns to them, quivering in anger as he begins kicking the remaining portions of the ring. This only intensifies the workers’ laughter even more. Jamie turns back to the camera huffing and puffing.
Jamie: I was appled by the whole thing. I saw how Bad @$$ Championship Wrestling really works, and I see what I gotta do to get ahead around here. I gotta lie, cheat, steal, and I really gotta show my ass. For those of you who are stoopid and don’t watch SCW, you might wanna see what the NWA Champ did to my brother… It was… It was… FUCKING SWEET!
Jamie claps his hands together as he thinks about it. He even goes as far as to fall down and literally begin rolling on the floor laughing. The camera focuses on him acting a fool before he gets up and leans against the barricade.
Jamie: I mean, barbeque sauce? It was ironic and awesome and stuff! I plaster the dude in barbeque sauce at WrestleClassic and he doesn’t have the nards to come after me, but he double teams my brother for laughing at him? I guess everyone knows by now that I’m the one to fear outta the three Staggs brothers. It’s fine though, act like a v-giny and embarrass my brother. He’s gonna rock you at London Brawling, and he’s gonna embarrass you so hard. That was your mistake, but what’s got me pissed off is that you had to be a coward, and you had to have your little buddy come out and whack him over the head with a chair to pull a prank on him.
Jamie pulls himself up and then he pulls the stained BACW shirt from his back pocket. He holds it up like a flag ready to burn, but he just lets it hang there while he continues speaking.
Jamie: That’s all I seen since I started paying attention to BACW, is double, triple, gangbang wafflestomping of anyone who gets in your way. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some hardcore battles. It is the reason I started even giving BACW a second thought, but I see a bunch of p*ssies running around here, beating people with the numbers game. Jack Kraven and Kai Kennedy came to SCW to show that against my brother. Giani Di Luca has his Fuhgeddaboudit losers, just to name a few. I tell you this one thing, I don’t roll that way usually. But, when in Rome… You, uh… Uhhh… Huh?
Just then, Jamie’s younger brother, Tommy, comes from behind the camera. His multi-color spiked up hair almost seems to glow under the lights, and under his right cheek, he is sporting a “>
“ drawn on in black paint. He folds his arms over his chest, and he tilts his head back, allowing the lights to shine off of his sunglasses.
Tommy: Don’t strain yourself bro… When in Rome, do as the Roman’s do.
Jamie: Don’t call me, bro… It reminds me of axe cologne, Patron, and spraytan…
Tommy: No, but you are my bro, literally…
Jamie: No… just… no.
Tommy shrugs as Jamie walks away from the camera shot. Tommy lifts his sunglasses off to show a raised eyebrow as he watches Jamie in bewilderment. He sort of hums in a questioning manner.
Tommy: Did you ever think that during a big announcement, you should maybe, well… Make the announcement?
Jamie comes running back into the camera shot as if he was just kidding around. He goes back to holding up the dirty, stained BACW shirt. He even points to it for extra emphasis.
Jamie: BACW, be warned. You made the first strike on SCW, and this is a war. I will be going to Manhattan next week, which is an improvement over Jersey… and I will face off with the best you guys got to throw at me in the first of many Main Events I will be in here in BACW, and I will walk away with the Empire State Championship. Not only that, but I will do whatever I have to so I can take a piece of your gold away. And I will NOT be there alone. Get ready to be stupified when Jamie Staggs, the Vale-DICK-torian of Dumbass University brings his fellow classmates to the party. And one last thing for your earholes to take in and savor… BACW, prepare to get Dick’d! WHAT?!
He squeals in a high pitched voice at the end. He brings the BACW shirt to his face, staring at it for a minute before he buries his face in it and blows his nose with it. He drops it on the ground in front of him, and hikes his leg up as if a dog “relieving” himself on it.
Jamie: Just remember, kids… The whole thing that started this war was Jack’s attack…
From behind the camera, Jamie’s other three “Classmates” of Dumbass University, Metalhead, “Xtreme” Alex Bernhardt, and Nate Starr nearly tackle Jamie. The dark haired Metalhead crashes forward last, and then he smacks Jamie on the shoulder.
Metalhead: Dude, that so totally rhymed! Look out Shakespeare!
Jamie: I’m a poet and I totally know it. Now let’s go cause some trouble, shall we?
Jamie gets up close to the camera, making what should be a serious face, but looks more like a vacant, dumbfounded sort of stare. He nods his head up and down for a brief moment before shutting the camera off.
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I stopped for a second to think, a first honestly. I daydreamed about what it would be like if I became smart. I pictured myself teaching nuecular physicals in front of a bunch of Harvard stiffs. Calling it university, instead of college… The whole smart people thing, you know? Then I stopped to think about why that just wasn’t me. And it really hurt!
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”A Main Event in BACW sure is not what I’m used to…”Jamie says as he comes up to the table in Berlin following the show. He scratches his head as he looks around. He doesn’t see his brother Spike sitting at the table. The DJ is playing what had become Spike’s theme song lately (“Shots” by LMFAO). Where had his alcoholic brother gone to? He would try to figure it out, but drinking with his mates and his wife seemed to be more important to him. Besides, people might listen to him now without big brother trumping his possible successes by mentioning his own. Jamie slams his mug of dark lager down in front of himself, and he slides one down to his wife, Kittie. He looks back to the small group gathered around.
Jamie: I mean, seriously. I thought Main Events were with people who actually matter. There’s only like 4 in BACW, and only one of them is in this match. I bring star quality to this match just by my name. Who doesn’t hear “Staggs” and say to themselves “I want to see what crazy shit this guy is going to do now!”? Nobody.
Jamie takes a drink from his mug and then reaches over to grab a handful of pretzels to stuff his mouth with. Kittie takes a sip from her mug as well before giving him “THE” stare.
Jamie: I can see why they might think Giani is something special coz he brings in stupid teenagers and reality junkies, but who the fuck is Azrael? And Magnum Randell mattered like a year ago. Nobody cares anymore. He lost to Misty… MISTY! Who loses to Misty?
Kittie’s affectionate stare that guaranteed almost certainly that Jamie would be getting some later has now faded as she punches him hard in his arm. He flinches and rubs his arm tenderly. Without losing his composure, he takes another gulp of the lager and goes back to his previous point.
Jamie: Azrael seems to have the same wrestling style as me, so maybe we can put on a good match at least… When facing someone else who is a risk taker, it makes me look better when I beat them. It makes it look like I tried harder and it makes my job so much easier. So I will look over the fact that this fuck head somehow worked his way into the Main Event.
Tommy: I’m surprised you haven’t even mentioned the fact that this is your second Main…
Jamie: It’s my second match, and my second BACW Main Event match… You do the math… Seriously, because I failed algebra in high school. But even I know that means they see a star sitting right in front of them.
Tommy: Ummm… That’s a one hundred percent success rate bro.
Jamie smacks the pretzel right out of his younger brother’s hand, sending it flying across the bar. Tommy holds his hand there in a bit of shock as Jamie shakes his finger in his face.
Jamie: Not going to tell you again. Let Giani have his one catch phrase ripped off from a better piece of crap than Fuhgeddaboudit. I know we called a temporary truce after Grinder, but I can’t stand him at all. I gunned for him because I wanted to show the world that he was a big over glorified piece of shit wrestler, and that hasn’t changed. He is still shit even if he can drink me under the table. Have fun getting your liver replaced at 30 dick-face…
Jamie rolls his eyes, refusing to see the irony as he takes a drink from his lager once again. He belches loudly, waking up most of the sleepy “partygoers” at his table just aching to call it a night.
Jamie: BACW has had the NWA World Heavyweight Championship since the beginning, so I woulda thought the talent here would be top notch. And seeing what Magnum Randell became after losing that belt is just plain sad. No regional gold, no glory, and he lost to a chick at the Super J Cup. It’s just an embarrassment, and I have to be stuck in the ring with that. At least I hope they make me look good when I go ape shit on them at TVMA. I came here to show that Spike isn’t the only one who can do shit in the ring… It runs in our blood, Tommy boy! It just seems so easy this week. I dare them to prove me wrong…
Jamie gets up from the table to fetch himself another beer. The scene fades out.
