[It's weird how we sometimes set out, in life, to do one thing, and then end up doing another. Some of the greatest inventions ever were made while their inventors were trying to do somethine else entirely.
And serendipity caught Steve Scanlon, too- landing on his head like a pomade. (Serendipity-Do, if you will). He and Hangman Hawkins may not have grabbed the gold ring at their last opportunity, but here we are... and Steve's minor acting career seems to be taking off.
A little.
He parlayed a small commercial role into what we see right now- he's doing a bit part as a gun-toting, sombrero-and-serape-wearing bandido in an indie film. It's not a BAD casting decision- you can easily picture him in the crowd of "Ah-ha-ha, gringo!" guys in a Spaghetti Western.
He's on break, obviously- success or no, this is Steve Scanlon we're talking about... and he speaks to us. Lucky us!]
Scanlon: Oh. Hey. Steve Scanlon here, and you know what? Me and Hangman... we're taking a vacation.
See, it's been stressful around here, with one thing and another. It's hard keeping up with all that's going on- someone else has our belts, I have to keep track of my acting, Hangman's got hearings to go to... there's a lot to think about.
So, we're taking a break from our title hunt. It's one of those Secrets of Highly Successful People, y'know? Take a break from your grind, do something you love to do.
[He looks around the set. Still nothing going on.]
Scanlon: Which is what we're gonna do next week in SCW. See, they have us scheduled against the Surfs. Again. It's become like a habit for us.
Some schmuck thinks it's a cute pun, I guess- Aristocrats versus Serfs, S-E-R-F-s, so they keep cramming it down our throats.
[He pauses a second and shakes his head, taking the hat off.]
Scanlon: It's got to be something like that- it CAN'T be because of anything the Surf Boys have ever DONE to deserve this.
[He spikes the hat. He's in the mood now.]
Scanlon: Seriously- either way!
Either they don't deserve another crack at wasting the time of a world-class tag team like the Aristocrats, after we beat ten kinds of crap out of 'em the first time, and made human pinatas out of 'em last time...
[he paces to the opposite side of the frame.]
...or they don't deserve what's coming to 'em when we beat the tar out of 'em a THIRD time.
[He pauses, and glares a hole in the ground for a second, before looking at us again.]
Scanlon: For the record, I never think of them as the e-r "Serf" Boys. I think of 'em as the Smurf Boys. Brainless Smurf And Dudette- too small to be trouble, and- I'm thinkin'- spending WAY too much time with mushrooms to be healthy.
And they're not blue, sure, but they're GONNA be "Blue" when the Hangman and the Streetfightin', Headlinin' Specimen of Manhood take them out in the middle of the ring and beat them like a Salvation Army tambourine for the THIRD TIME.
[He's really fuming now.]
Scanlon: And in all this, I don't blame the Surf Boys. From the heart of the Steamroller, I swear- I don't blame them.
They don't know any better.
It's like someone gave them a gold star and patted them on the heads and told them "you can be a wrestler!". And they believed it. I've seen no evidence they CAN wrestle, but they keep getting put out there, because someone took them and said "you CAN!".
Whoever did that- I blame you. You dropped the standards of our business, and left the likes of Yours Truly to clean up your mess. Don't have the nerve to be shocked at what happens now.
Whoever booked this- I blame them, too. I mean- people might have paid to see us do this the first time. They even paid to see this a second time, because there was another team in there, with the Surf Boys out there on the side as a garnish- like parsley. Limp, talentless parsley...
[He squints here. it IS almost Eastwood-y....]
Scanlon: But who is going to put up with this match, over. And over. AND OVER? Who wants it? Who benefits? Most importantly- who'd PAY for it?
I mean, at this point, it's like putting a kitten in a Veg-o-Matic- shock-value the first time, amazement that you'd do it twice- but three times? That's just the work of a sick mind, know what I mean?
[pause]
Scanlon (explaining): The Veg-o-Matic is a blender.
[pause]
Scanlon (ruining the joke): In this scenario, The Aristocrats are the blender.
[pause]
Scanlon (who must REALLY think we're idiots): And the Surf Boy's'd be the kitten.
[pause]
Scanlon: Just wanted to be clear there. The blender... that's what it DOES. It's what it's FOR.
[pause]
Scanlon: I don't have any message for the Surf Boys themselves. I don't want to upset them. I mean, after we're through with them, they'll be plenty upset, but I don't want to ruin what little Happy-Time they've got left before The Doom That Came To Vegas and the one-and-only "Hangman" ruin their day.
And possibly more days after that. Many... many more days.
Besides. Promos like that are work.
And we're on vacation.
Just a day at the beach. Watching the Surf crash.
Over. And over. And over.
[With that, he turns back to his acting, and we fade out.]
