[The SCW logo swooshes by in an elegant cut, into a shot of the very INelegant features of “Big” Steve Scanlon.
He’s in front of… something brown. Whatever it is, It’s filling up the entire screen- the only thing that’s visible onscreen, besides Scanlon himself.
Scanlon holds up an index finger, then makes us wait while he takes a gulp off of his Starbucks. This goes on for a second or two.
He then glares at the camera.]
Scanlon: What, like YOU get to work the second YOU get there? Whatever.
[He doesn't wave, but jerks his chin upwards in a 'hey' gesture.]
S’up, Sin City- this is “The Providence Steamroller”, the “Third Strike”, the Street Fightin’, Headlinin’, Specimen of MANHOOD- “BIG” Steve- speakin’ to ya from the Lethal Slopes of Mount Scanlon- and I’m here… to tell you a little story.
[He pauses a beat. Then starts.]
Scanlon: …so this guy walks into a wrestling promoter’s office.
He tells the promoter “I’ve got this tag team- an amazing tag team!”.
"The promoter says “Yeah… I dunno. Tag teams are passé. It’s two checks for one performance. Sorry, no can do.”
The guy says 'Nocando? What's that, like Taekwondo?' Please! Hear me out! I’m sure if you hear about our act, you’re sure to want to book us."
The promoter says "Alright, alright- what do you do?”
And the guy says:
“OKAY! First, I return this old-timey wrestler’s dog, and he’s so grateful he trains me to wrestle. It’s just amazing, this part- just me and a seventy year old man going at it. It’s really touching- Inspirational- It’s a whole intergenerational bonding thing!"
"Then this rumor goes around that I didn’t “return” the dog, so much as “give it back after I stole it”, and the old guy boots me out on my ass. So, the act starts with my ass, I guess-"
"So THEN- I go show off what I can do. I do a Kosovar Thigh Press over here, I do the Devil’s Tritone into the Inverted Crab Nebula Hold over there- and by now, I’ve gotta take it on the road, ‘cause now I’m running out of sparring partners and 911 stopped coming ‘cause “they warned us all the last time.”
"…This act is SO great, by the way, that I took it to Memphis and they shut down because, once they saw it, they’d seen all the wrestling they wanted to see for a lifetime- and never did another show again. They didn't have to. how’s THAT for ‘givin’ ‘em what they want and sendin’ ’em home happy’? Same thing in Atlanta. “Big Peach” my ass! But I digress….
So, then my PARTNER comes in…”
[The camera pulls back. The thing filling the screen is the closed brown leather duster of “Hangman” Hawkins. He’s THAT big. Even zooming out, it takes a sec to get a face or hands into frame. Scanlon jerks a thumb at Hawkins and continues.]
Scanlon: "Big Man-Mountain of a guy, out of Texas. Second generation wrestler, not much of a childhood outside that. His dad’s this old-time guy. Raised him on the road- weird upbringin’ for anyone, so Hangman grew up to BE a wrestler, and not much of anything else. So he does what he does, and he’s a MACHINE. He does half this routine. We’re like Penn and Teller. Hangman’s Teller- well, Edward Teller- ‘cause he goes off like a frickin’ H-Bomb-"
Hangman: (interrupting): 'I am become DEATH, the destroyer of WORLDS.'
Scanlon: (turns and grins.) That’s right, big guy! (then, turns and confides to the camera): Dude’s a couple’a bunnies short of a hutch, but I LOVE it!
[and he’s back to the story]
“And so now, he’s just taking heads off guys' shoulders, then shoving their heads right into their own faces (It’s technical).
THEN, I do something that gets me banned for life from wrestling in Tejas AND Okie-land…Long story."
Hangman: They say he threw a pro-wrestling match.
[Okay, so it wasn't a long story. Scanlon nods in agreement, but shakes his head like he got nailed on a minor technicality.]
Scanlon: Dumbest crap you ever saw!
"... and I go off to Chicago run the Mafia clean out of the NWA- Great story, I’ll tell you about it sometime. And while I’m doin’ THAT, Hangman here's beating the crap out of every guy that gets in a ten-yard radius. And he’s a craftsman, lemme tell ya!
Hangman (nodding): I’ve always enjoyed my work.
Scanlon: Damn straight!
"He goes right into this part of the act where he starts THROWING luchiadores con mascara straight up in the air, just to see how high he can do it- then uppercuttin’ em on the way down. He calls it “Dance on Air”. And while he’s doin’ THAT, I'm cranking off move and counterholds the world has never seen, and- if you’re lucky- I got this hold that’s so god-damn awful I can’t SHOW it to you, til the time comes. Hell of a move."
"And we finish THAT part of the act by bringing the house down in 'Chicago'- then, he goes into 'New York', I go into oh, Canada, and then- THEN, we get to the touching part of the act. We meet up again.
Awesome part. I hear through the grapevine that Hangman's down on his luck, I figure out where he's at, find him, and the music swells as I give him this."
[Scanlon holds up a flyer for a Sin City Wrestling show.]
Scanlon: “And Hangman says-" tell ‘em what you said, Big Guy!
Hangman (quoting himself): “What the Hell is ‘SNOTY WRESTLING?’”
Scanlon: I know. right? And I tell him “It doesn’t say ‘Snoty’, man! It says “Sin City”!” Funny, huh?
...Guy’s a maniac I tell ya, he’ll just knock ‘em dead. Well, not legally dead, thank God… just out cold…
Hangman: ...it still looks like ‘SNOTY’, to me…
Scanlon: It’s just the font, Hawkman!
[He returns to the story, here...]
"...and we finish this act by teaming up, and beating down these schmos that come on, from all directions. So, we're beating ten flavors of crap out of everyone, and then we arrange the bodies in a pile that forms the letters 'SCW', we take as many belts as we can, and THEN- just as you can hear the sirens getting closer, we stand over the carnage and sing…" what was it, again, Hangman?
Hangman: “Nearer, My God, To Thee.”
Scanlon (aside): He’s got a real spiritual side too. He thinks real hard about where the souls of guys go when he’s knocked ‘em out-
"-then, I show my track skills by taking the money and running!"
[Hangman stares a little, and Scanlon amends it]
Scanlon: Minus a cut.
[Hangman looks mollified.]
Scanlon: "… and, then the place collapses in on itself!"
[He makes a gesture with his hands, like a house imploding.]
"Done this act solo, seven times, and five times it just plain brought the place down. Now I’ve got a partner… Sky’s the limit!"
Hangman: And the Pit is infinite.
[And Steve wraps up the story.]
Scanlon: "So, the guy says: 'That's the act- it’s got him, me, family, kids, animals, travel, courtroom drama, even physics and emergency medicine, so it’s educational- a little somethin’ for everyone!”
And the promoter's jaw is on the floor- finally, he says 'Sweet, muppety Jesus! What the pluperfect, Technicolor HELL do you even CALL an act like that?'
[Scanlon pauses a beat.]
And the guy says: '…THE ARISTOCRATS!'"
[In unison, Hawkins and Scanlon do an elegant little hand-and-snap “Cha-cha” gesture. Hangman, a little more ‘because I’m supposed to’ than Scanlon, but he’s there nonetheless.]
Scanlon: There you go. Thought I’d tell a little joke to lighten the mood... because I have some bad news to deliver.
SCW's got a big problem...
[He jerks a thumb at himself.]
...And a GIANT problem...
[He points, swinging his arm behind him, at Hawkins]
...One of us would be bad enough. BOTH of us? At the same TIME? That's just... overkill!
Hangman: And there's NO kill like "Overkill"...
Scanlon: ...and I'm gonna level with ya- I've seen what you've got 'round here, and I just don't like your chances!
See, I kid around sometimes..., but when it comes to punchlines?
[Hangman slams his left fist into his open right hand.]
Hangman: We’ve got a million of them.
Scanlon: Nice place you got here. We’ll take it.
[Scanlon leans into the camera to shut it off, with a wicked little grin on his face, then winks at us before turning it off.]
[end]
