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The aroma of Olde English and freshly baked cookies waft through the brightly lit apartment of Jamie and Kittie Staggs. Just left of the camera’s view is a large, natural pine tree, decorated in various sentimental, antiqued ornaments and brightly colored lights, the same that lines every inch of bare wall. Silver garland trace up from the bottom of the tree to the delicately placed angel looking down over the room in its malevolent beauty. Various decorations of silver and gold adorn the mantle just underneath a wide screen television mounted on the wall. The traditional yule log burns on the screen as the sound of Jamie Staggs voice crackles through the very merry setting.
”Kittie, my beer is empty!”
After a moment of silence, Jamie opens his mouth to repeat himself, but then Kittie’s head pops out from around the corner. She has a smile on her face as is highly unusual.
”What? Do you want me to bring you another beer, sweetie?”
Jamie nods his head from the couch, very unsuspecting of such a polite response. He leans back against the couch, putting his feet upon the very tidy coffee table, featuring strategically placed garland and loose ornaments surrounding a platter of cookies. He sets the empty golden colored can on the table, allowing it to fall over onto the décor. Just then, a can comes flying at him, causing him to flinch and avoid being hit by it.
”HEY!”
”Get your own beer next time. I’m in here, slaving over a hot stove to get together things to bring to Spike’s later while you sit on your lazy butt, and spill beer on my festive decorations?”
”Hey, I just finished competing in two matches, taking down Blade Alexander. I deserve a little down time for the holidays, babe.”
Kittie eyeballs Jamie, dropping her oven mit to the ground. She takes off an apron that she was wearing, to reveal the Bombshell Championship belt underneath. She warms her expression as she approaches Jamie. She sits down next to him, draping his Tag Team Championship belt around his waist. She awkwardly curls up next to him, their belts leaning against each other as she leans in to kiss him on his cheek.
”We are the only golden couple in Sin City Wrestling, and despite the odds. I want to wear these belts all the time. I want to go around in them, and do everything in them…”
Jamie wraps his arms around her in a tight hug, forcing a smile onto her face. She rubs his chest as he looks down at her, as if he is about to kiss the top of her head.
”So, are you trying to ask me if we can do it while wearing the belts again, coz… you don’t even have to ask.”
Kittie jabs Jamie in the ribs before pushing herself up from the couch again. She eyes Jamie before disappearing back to the kitchen for a while. Jamie rubs his side before he picks up the remote, flipping through channels.
”Who wants to watch log burn on the television for two hours? That’s soooo lame. Oooh, Bad Santa!”
Jamie watches on as the antics of Billy Bob Thornton ensue. He grabs an oatmeal cookie from the tray and munches on it. He opens his mouth and laughs with a mouth full of chewed up cookie showing, pointing at the screen. His child-like amusement lasts for nearly a full minute before he finally stops. He then pops open his malt beverage, and takes a swig to follow up the surprisingly tasty cookie, before settling back down in his seat. After just a moment, the grumpiness of the main character reminds him of someone he feels strangely compelled to check in on. He pulls out his cell phone and thumbs through the various stored numbers before dialing. It rings for just a moment or two before the recipient picks up.
”What the hell do you want, Jamie? I’m starting to think you have some kind of weird man crush on me. I’m your tag partner, not your boyfriend.”
The gruff, angry voice is obviously an annoyed Rage. Jamie smirks as he leans forward for another sip from his putrid drink. He savors it before responding.
”Damn, you must have figured me out. My life of chasing women and trying to get in their pants has all just been one big cover up for my homosexual crush on a big, dumb ape with anger issues who is probably hung like a baby… You big douchebag, I was calling to wish you a Merry Christmas. I gave you a victory over that loudmouth Blade Alexander, and you give me this… anger and hostility? Not cool, bro. Not cool!”
”My name is Rage. Did you expect sunshine and rainbows to fly out of my ass? And, besides… you pinned him, so it doesn’t even count, you jackass!”
”That’s harsh, man. Are you just mad coz Santa didn’t think you were worth the coal, so he took a dump in your stocking instead?”
There is a long silence as Jamie covers his mouth, stifling his laughter, choking on it. Kittie walks out of the kitchen with a mug of hot cocoa and sighs as she sits down next to Jamie. She looks over at him as he covers his mouth with his hand, and she looks intrigued, yet worried.
”THAT WAS YOU, YOU FUCKHEAD! I’M… I’m gonna kill you the next time I see you. Better yet, I’m gonna beat your head in with this stocking filled with dog shit instead!”
Kittie’s eyes widen as she looks at Jamie. She drops her mug to the ground, and her jaw drops open. She chokes on her own laughter, trying to decide if it is even right to laugh, or to be appalled. Jamie bursts out into laughter as Rage’s voice continues in the background in various threats while Kittie holds her mouth. Jamie kicks his legs like a child before holding his phone away from his face, shouting.
”Merry Dick’d-mas, punk ass!”
He quickly cuts off the phone and sets it down on the table, eliciting another smack from Kittie, followed by her own light, stifled chuckling. Jamie calms himself down just long enough for Kittie to give him a firm staredown. He leans in quickly, getting a kiss before she can retract. She starts to get up to clean up the hot cocoa mess, but Jamie pulls her arm, down, tugging her back to the couch.
”Hey, I’ve been enough of a jerk for the day. Let me clean that up since it was my fault. Then we can open up a gift before we get ready to go over to Spike and Misty’s.”
Kittie opens her mouth to protest, but Jamie puts his finger against her lips, quieting her with a warm smile. She remains quiet as Jamie fetches a gift from under the tree, and places it on the table in front of her. He walks into the kitchen to grab a towel and some cleaner. Once he quickly returns, she places her finger on the bow. She looks up to him as he stands over her, and he nods for her to open it. She unwraps it slowly, cautiously. Once the paper is off, it reveals a Macy’s gift box. She isn’t the Macy’s type of girl, but she trusts his judgment, and she lifts the box open. As she does, a plume of white powder flies in her face, and she begins screeching in pain as she bats at her face. Jamie nearly falls over in laughter, pointing at her, and panting heavily as he tries to comment on the sight. He wipes at the powder with the rag.
”And Merry Dick’d-mas to you, my love! Merry Dick’d-mas to one and to all!”
Jamie stands there proudly looking around with a sense of accomplishment before Kittie pats up his leg. She reaches her arm back and punches him as hard as she can in his groin, causing him to fall down to the ground. She hovers over him.
”Looks like you just got Dick Punch’d, jerkoff!”
The camera pans out to show the lovely Christmas decorations, pausing as the lights twinkle from all over. The agony on both of their faces barely present as the happy holiday message appears in a magical star wipe fashion.
MERRY DICK’DMAS
From our family to yours
--:{FADE}:--
