“I don't think we're allowed to be here.”
Where's the most famous land mark in California? You could very well be thinking of a lot of different places right now, but if you were looking at this, the answer would be obvious. The Hollywood sign. That might not be the most obvious answer to people who visit the state on a daily basis, but for everyone else, the one thing they really want to see, besides movie stars, is the big Hollywood sign.
Such is the location we find ourselves in today. Hollywood, California. Standing at the base of the sign, right at the foot of the “D”, is none other than SCW wrestler, Blade Alexander.
Blade: “I'm fully aware that for the last few weeks all of you people out there have been wondering where I am. Where have I gone. Rumours were starting to spread that I'd dropped off the face of the earth. Those of you who don't live glued to the internet know that I've been all around Hollywood, all up and down the circuit of the vapid, shallow and soulless run of talk shows and sound-bite spots promoting the crap out of SCW's upcoming December to Dismember show where we finally see our territory expanded, thanks to the NWA to include California.”
“That's all well and good for SCW, but it's really been taxing, even for me, to polish the shit of a situation that SCW has put each and every one of us on the roster on by labeling this show after the biggest failure of a wrestling pay per view in the history of, dare I say it, our illustrious sport by calling it December to Dismember.”
The second-generation star is dressed quite well for someone that's snuck down the side of a hill in a classy white pin-stripe suit complete with aviator shades.
Blade: “And if that weren't enough, they have to try to get people to spend their money to come see a show that they know is going to be headlined by a return match of the most boring match up ever to take place inside a wrestling ring with Gabriel vs Underwood II. Folks, they cured insomnia the first time around, this time they're threatening to put us into a sleep so deep that we'll only be able to be awoken when hyper intelligent monkeys find the cure for watching anything with JT Underwood three thousand years in the future.”
“The only reason people are actually willing to spend any money on this fiasco at all is for the chance to see me wrestle twice in one night.”
“I know many people might see that as jumping to conclusions, but really... The only competition in this little tag tournament that some idiot has cooked up is who can beat their opponents quicker, Casey Williams or yours truly, Blade Alexander. Last week a Bond girl reject tried to create a minor stir by buzzing in Casey's ear some dissension between he and myself about sportsmanship of fair play or what-the-fuck ever, but Casey only wanted to talk about his drunk former partner because he knows this is the most one-sided non-tournament ever.”
The side of Blade's jacket flap in the wind with the carefree abandon of enjoying a California breeze, sometime his tie joining in on the fabric dance, caring little for the endeavors of man and instead behaving like inanimate objects of their construct do when faced with a stiff breeze.
Blade: “The brilliance of SCW's booking team really comes to the forefront on this card, randomly throwing teams together to try to make something special out of the crowning of tag team champions... but as always is the case in wrestling, all potential drama is stolen away as soon as the teams are announced. In our very first match as a team Casey and I dispatched the only true team in SCW with ease. At December to Dismember we'll do the exact same and it will surprise no one.”
“Just look at our competition. There's only one well balanced team in SCW and it's mine. The other's are nothing more than the pairings of the retarded. Just look at our next opponents. Rage and what's his name... Jamie.”
“Here you have Rage, the big bad who had come to SCW at the behest of Christian Underwood to take me out, or at least give me competition, and what has he done besides attack me from behind and cost me the SCW Championship? He's hid like a bitch. Has he come at me again? No. Has he made even the slightest attempt to get in the ring with me? Fuck no. He jumped me like the seven foot sweaty pussy that he is then went and hid with his little sisterhood of the traveling pants the Seven Deadly Sins. Great fucking name you twat support group. The only thing that you morons are deadly for is SCW's bottom line. The bunch of you gang up because singlely you can't do fuck all then beat up on everyone else so it wont immediately look like you suck, then people get bored, don't come to shows, the merchandise you guys try to sell that looks like it was designed by a down-syndrome kid with bells-palsy tanks and SCW goes under. Thanks you guys. You've got to be the best in this business.”
“Then comes Rage's partner, Johnny Knoxville. A prank show? That's your big contribution? Professional wrestling as a sport and an art form is circling the fucking drain and you, claiming to be a third generation wrestler, the best you can contribute is a fucking prank show? How timely, how topical. You pick a subject matter that's been done to death over the past decade and want us to act like what you're doing is fresh and new. Right, it's fresh and new or it's exactly like every program on MTV. Whatever. Don't worry though, now that they've brought back Beavis and Butthead I'm sure your fifteen minutes are just around the corner.”
“Jamie Staggs, Ladies and Gentlemen, living proof that just because you're born into a wrestling family, it doesn't mean that the talent is passed on.”
“You see James, here's the difference. You're second or third gen, I'm not sure which, I could really give a crap. So what you've done is gone the route of feeling entitled. You think you're entitled to wins, you're entitled to fame. You get what you want because you've grown up in this business so you think you can step all over everyone else and shit on all of the work that everyone else trying to actually be a wrestler, everyone else who really loves this sport is trying to do. You do this because your name will get you in the door and get you opportunities and you can use this as a vehicle to launch your career as a professional dumb ass. You don't really want to be a wrestler, you feel like you've already been here and done all this and you want to do your own thing, which by the way even Jamie fucking Kennedy has done better than you, and we should all put up with it because your daddy wrestled and your brother wrestles, or tries to, and his wife is a big fat bitch that you have a crush on. Fuck you.”
“That's you in a nutshell, but that's not even the worst part of you. The worst Jamie, the reason that I and, lets face it, everyone on planet earth hates you too, is because you're so very fucking arrogant about it.”
“I couldn't give a shit about you and your little pranks. When you started out that was your thing and whatever. You have your little show and you do your thing and you try to get people to like you but they never will, but that's where it ended. I was content to let that pass. I was content to just let you be yet another one of those wrestling brats you see around, those kids that claim they grew up in wrestling and that their daddy did this and because one promoter somewhere was the biggest fan in the world of your dad that you had a job for life and got to do whatever you wanted there. That was fine by me, but then a few days ago you got fucking arrogant and claimed that I was the one going around saying I deserved all this and that because I'm a second-generation wrestler. You accused me of being you. You projected all of the bad things you do, all of those bad habits you have onto me. That's where you went wrong.”
“I was perfectly happy going into this as a revenge against Rage thing for costing me the SCW Championship. I was perfectly fine letting Casey beat up the two of you, getting back at Rage in the process and winning what Casey wants, the Tag Team titles. That was fine by me, but no... That wasn't enough. Little Jamie fuck Staggs has to not know when to keep his mouth shut. He has to expose to the world just what kind of moron he really is and claim that both me and my partner, both of us whom are unbeaten here in SCW, had to claim that we both felt that we were entitled to the championship and should be given it.”
“It's never been about what we're entitled to, you fucking half-wit, it's about us being that damned good. It's not our fault that your team is a poor man's excuse for ours. Just look at you. You have Rage and Casey Williams. Two great big power houses. On paper that looks like one hell of a match up. On paper. In reality you have Casey Williams who is a big, powerful guy who loves to, and has made is reputation on beating the living shit out of any poor fool who's gotten into the ring opposite him.”
“Then you have us. The second-generation wrestlers who couldn't be more different. You have to distract people with your pranks and your little internet show, how original that one is too by the way, to gloss over the fact that you have all of your family's name and none of the actual ability. On the other side there's me... Maybe it's my fault Jamie, maybe I'm just smarter than you so I actually learned about this business, or maybe my dad just loved me more so he took the time to teach me properly. Or then again maybe your dad just knew you were a hopeless loser so he never took the time to sit you down and teach you wrong from right, how to really work in this business, because he knew right from the get go that you really didn't have what it takes.”
“That's the key fundamental difference between us Jamie. For all your flash, for all that charisma you exude while you're out there coming up with the least funny way to embarrass and humiliate someone, you never once took the time too look around, to watch or listen anything else in this business. You always had to put on the show as the character because when it came right down to it you don't have substance. You have to act the fool so people might not realize that you really are a fool. So go ahead Jamie, do what you do. Parody others. Prank the unsuspecting. Be the character. Then you tune in and watch me. Watch the way I can captivate an audience better than you ever could hope to just with words. See the way I get the reaction that I want from people just by having that natural charisma you wish you had. Get in the ring at December to Dismember and watch everyone there forget about you when I step into that ring because I have what you never will.”
“You hide behind it all Jamie. Do what you can, try so hard. Then fail against me. I'm everything you wish you could be. I can do all the things you want without the effort. I don't need the character, I don't need the flash because just being myself is enough.”
“Then on top of it all Jamie, when it comes right down to it and the bell rings, that's when you really panic. That's when you really freak out, because that's the moment when you realize that as good as I was before the match, that was just the tip of the iceberg. Inside that ring I'm untouchable. Inside that ring you're going to find out why it takes the whole spectrum of sinners and a few guys in suits to keep the SCW title from around my waist. That ends soon. It might not be the SCW Championship, but it will be the tag team titles. Casey and I aren't about feeling that we're better than everyone else. We're about proving it.”
Blade turns to leave, but after just a few steps he turns back again for a moment.
Blade: “There is just one more thing that you and the rest of SCW have got to ask yourselves. Now I know it hasn't been the burning question so much lately, but it still begs an answer... What's in the briefcase?”
Fade.
