Chapter 66: Wants and needs
Reconciling what you want in your life with the realities of life is one of the hardest things you can do as you get older. Some people want to be a millionaire, others want to be an astronaut, some want to have their dream job and some want to break world records. But those don’t always come to fruition. But there are some others that seem to be within reach and more realistic but at the same time seem so far away. Even if you’re physically able to do something, even if there is no real conceivable reason that you wouldn’t be able to that goal can be pulled so far away from you that you reach out with your hands and your fingertips barely scrape it.
I always thought I knew what I wanted. I wanted to be the best of the best, to show the world that I wasn’t just a poor girl from working-class Norwich England. To show the world that I wasn’t just a punching bag for my father. To show the world that I wasn’t just a woman standing behind a man.
And for the most part, I have lived that dream. I have got everything that I’ve wanted. I’ve been a world champion time and time again. I’ve climbed to the top of every company that I’ve been in. And even now as I am standing on top of the mountain looking down at everyone else scraping and chlorine to get their five seconds of fame against me. I have this hole in my heart that I don’t seem to be able to fill. No amount of success, no amount of championship wins, and shiny trinkets that I buy with all of my match bonuses. It simply doesn’t fill that emptiness.
I take a deep breath, sitting in the kitchen of the beautiful home that Finn and I have put together for ourselves. Finn has been dragged out of the house by Adam Sanders, my brother-in-law. Tasman‘s husband and the father of their beautiful daughter Dawn. One of my nieces that I have been doting upon since she was born. She along with Nova and Luna the twin girls that Amber has have become fixtures in my home much the same way that Kallie has with her son Dax.
But right now I was sitting here holding my niece Dawn in my hands.
Normally the best part about holding children is being able to give them back to their parents. But I smiled slowly and gave Dawn who is now three years old a poke on the nose to which she started giggling. Tasmin made her tea and looked over with a smile. ”You look way too natural doing that”
”Yeah” and then it happened. You say normally I’m very good at changing my facial expressions to hide how I really feel. A moment where a lint in my eyes suddenly turns and I can throw up a sarcastic expression followed by a roll of my eyes. But this time I failed. The look on my face changed and for a moment sadness washed over me. And it was something that a normal person who knew me wouldn’t let go. But this was my sister. A member of my family. Someone who knew me quite well.
Tasmin tilted her head and stepped back. ”What was that?”
”What?” I turned and put Dawn down letting her run off. I turned back toward my sister and grabbed my cup of coffee, taking a sip and looking over at her. She narrowed her eyes and stepped forward looking at me and studying Me. I was annoyed. Not at her but at myself. Because I had failed in hiding my true feelings. ”Why are you looking at me like that?”
Tasmin raises her eyebrow and clears her throat before taking a sip of her tea and getting ready to have one of those awkward conversations with Me. The ones that I usually try to avoid. ”You know, normally when I tell you that you look natural holding a child you tell me to fuck off or roll your eyes. What’s going on with you?”
I don’t know why I decided to tell the truth. It would’ve been just as easy for me to just flippantly adjust how I was sitting and tell her that she was imagining things. But for whatever reason we started down this rabbit hole of a conversation. ”I’ve just been thinking a lot lately. I see you with Dawn, I see Amber with the girls, and also Kallie with Dax… and I kind of realized that I want a child” I took a deep breath, sipping my coffee again as I stared ahead.
Tasmin cleared her throat and leaned forward ”And how does Finn feel about this?”
I shook my head, that was a part of the conversation that I didn’t want to go near. But I also knew that she was going to ask me that. And the truth was that I didn’t know. I didn’t know how he felt about it. I didn’t know how he would feel about it if I brought it up. I was terrified. ”I don’t know.”
”So… why don’t you talk to him about it?”
”I don’t think I can…” I swallow hard and lean back against the bench behind me. ”After everything he went through with his ex, I just don’t know if I can bring that up. What would happen if I told him I wanted kids and he straightaway told me that he didn’t? That could ruin our relationship. I don’t wanna lose him Tas…”
Tasmin swallows and seems to Jetter and stutter a little before taking a deep breath to ask me a question a question that once it left her lips and went out into the air she regretted but it was one that I think I needed to hear. ”So, you are fine with not having children for the sake of your relationship? Are you sure you can live with that?”
I inhaled sharply, I put my coffee mug down, and fought back. All the tears were pushing their way out. I didn’t want to cry, I wasn’t going to cry. I took all of that sadness and pushed it into a little ball making sure it stayed where it belonged before I nodded slowly and looked at my sister. ”I know how that sounds. But I’m not even sure I want to have a child. That feeling comes and goes. And just because I want something doesn’t mean I should have it Tasmin. Think about it, what kind of mother would I be?”
My question hung in the air even longer than hers. After a few moments, she leaned forward going to say something. ”Kay….you know you would…” She straightened up, and the door swung open as Adam and Finn returned. I looked at her a silent message in my eyes telling her not to bring this up to not only Finn but also her husband. Tasman took a deep breath in and gave me a small knot of assurance.
This wasn’t the time to bring this up. Everything that he was going through, everything that I was going through. It wasn’t the time or the place to be bringing these things up. Major shifts in our relationship and what it could mean. Adam bent down and picked up Dawn smiling as he gave my sister a kiss.. Finn walked over tossing his car keys on the kitchen bench before I smiled and wrapped my arms around his hips, placing my head on his chest. I could hear his heartbeat. I closed my eyes. But it was still there.
Fuck….I want to be a mom
Waste of our time.
Kayla Richards, the current SCW world bombshells champion slowly smiles. Her long black hair flowing down her shoulders and back as she tilted her head closed her eyes and sniffed the air. She takes a deep inhale before pushing it out and then taking another one before smiling again.
”You smell that? That is the smell of victory. The smell of retribution. The smell of Me proving my fucking point.”
Her eyes spring open and we get to see the deep green and emerald color that she has become known for. Her black eyeliner making her eyes pop as she steps forward and grabs the bombshell championship. She looks at the face plate and slowly drags her fingers across the nameplate tracing the K at the start of her name with her pointer finger.
”Andrea Hernandez tried to beat Me. She tried to destroy me. She likes to think that she came close. In fact, she’ll be the first one to tell each and every one of you that she had Me beaten. She took the bombshell championship away from me. This is true. It is a fact that will go down in history in the record books that anyone can look up and anyone can go and watch the match where it happened till their little hearts burst with happiness and contentment. As I’m sure Andrea is going to be doing in 50 years time as a grey-haired old crone rocking back-and-forth, reminiscing about the good old days when she was relevant and had any sort of power in this business whatsoever.”
“Meanwhile, I accomplished everything I said I was going to. I told the world I was going to take this championship back. And in the elimination chamber, I did that. I then told the world that I was going to beat Andrew Hernandez’s one on one. And I did that. So now with her in my rearview mirror, I can look forward. I can look down that road and see a whole host of new contenders ready willing and waiting to try and take this championship from me.”
“Some are familiar faces who are looking at trying to reclaim their glory. Others are brand new. And on the same night that I dispatched Andrea Hernandez and permanently put her in a box. It seems like the number one contender has been crowned in my future has become clear.”
“The blast from the past tournament came to an end and standing tall was Frankie Holliday. She has come out of nowhere and gone undefeated in the tournament to earn herself a championship match against Me. And I couldn’t be happier. I get to face a woman who is an unknown. Someone who is new and isn’t painted by the failures that some of the others in this company have. I get to face someone who is coming in fresh and could be a new star. And I’m looking forward to it. But it’s a long way until our match. So as we start to plot along towards the next supercard and our inevitable meeting, we have to fill some time.”
She chuckles and shakes her head taking a few steps as she pieces back and forth before throwing the bombshell championship over her shoulder.
”So, what better way to fill some time for two rivals Barling toward a championship match? Put them in a team. So Frankie and I are going to put our differences aside and coexist. How are we going to coexist? After all, I’m such a horrible person and an arrogant bitch and Frankie is this new woman in this company who doesn’t trust anyone. That’s really the narrative we’re going with. How are we going to coexist? Easily. You see what a lot of people don’t tend to realize is that I hate losing. So I’m going to go into this match with all full intentions of doing everything I can to win and that includes doing everything I can to team with Frankie and wrestle in Harmony”
“And from what I’ve seen of Frankie she is someone who also wouldn’t be fond of having a losing mark on her record. So I think it’s safe to assume without Me even talking to her that we are both going to go into this match with the purpose of trying to win and not fuck each other over. Am I right Frankie?”
“Am I correct in assuming that you are going to come into this match and do everything that you possibly can to walk away with your hand held high?”
“I’d like to think so. But, I also know you’re not stupid enough or not even enough to believe that once the match is over it will be best friends and rainbows. I might take the opportunity when the match is done to give you a little tap to show you who’s boss. Or you might take the initiative to come after Me. As long as the bell rings and we’ve won the match, I don’t give a shit what happens afterward. Just know that Frankie. From Bell to Bell I’ll be your best fucking friend. But once it’s over? Then so is our little alliance.”
She leans forward clutching the championship over her shoulder in almost a subconscious effort to keep it close while talking about her number one contender. She takes a deep breath and then refocus on the match at hand.
”Seleana Zdunich. How many times do I have to give you a beating before you realize you don’t belong here anymore? You are a one-time world champion who flew her way to a two-week title range that you have been surfing on for the better part of half a decade. You don’t belong here anymore. Every single time your name goes on a card there is the worst possible outcome for you when it comes to the fans. Apathy. They simply don’t care about you anymore. They don’t cheer for you, they don’t boot at you, all they do is roll their eyes and breeze past you.”
“Every single time you and I step foot in a ring together I leave the winner. Every single time. Just think about that. You can’t beat me. You won’t beat me. And even with help in a tag team match, you can’t even hope to get close. Hell, I don’t need Frankie by my side I’d be able to beat you and your tag team partner. Handicap matches aren’t really my thing but I would be able to get into the ring and beat you both with ease. That might sound arrogant, a little bit cocky, but I know I could do it. Because that’s what you’ve become. A joke. A speed bump. A gatekeeper. And in this case, Canon Folder”
“Why else would you be a match like this Seleana?”
“You’re being used as Canon folder for a match against two women who are much more worthy of being in a main spot than you could ever hope to be. But, you’re welcome. You’re welcome for the small bit of relevancy that I’m giving you in this tag team match. But when all is set and done, I’m going to have another win over you and the sad part is that it doesn’t matter. A win over you and your tag team partner Diamond Caldwell gets me absolutely nothing.”
Kayla shakes her head, a hint of sadness in her eyes as she realizes just how true that statement is.
”Same as beating you Diamond. Or Alexandra or whatever the fuck you wanna call yourself. You came into this company, you are somehow aligned with Crystal and now you’re teaming with Seleana. But first impressions are exactly exactly what they are. First impressions. You had this chance to announce yourself to the world. And while my tag team partner took the ball by the horns when it came to making a first impression and won the blast from the past tournament you came in and properly looked like a complete arsehole losing your match and not even bothering to do any sort of promotional material for it”
“You stayed silent. You walked out to the ring and then promptly got beat down. So here’s the thing diamond. I’m gonna let you in on a little secret when it comes to SCW on how to succeed. If you can’t back up anything that you will say in the future, then do exactly what you’re doing and stay silent. Because you’ll keep your mouth shut you’ll get your ass beat and then you’ll collect your paycheck and go home.”
“But, if you think for one second that you can make a name for yourself in this company you need to be able to run your mouth. How do you think I’ve been able to become what I’ve become? Three-time Internet champion, two-time mixed tag team champion, and two-time bombshell‘s world champion. I have spent more time in this company as a champion than I have not being a champion. From day one when I walked into this company I have been the best of the best and I proved every single time not just by getting in the ring and taking people‘s heads off but also by eviscerating them whenever I open my fucking mouth.”
“And I’m not sure you have what it takes”
“So Frankie and I are going to walk down to that ring and we are going to beat the hell out of both of you. And then when the bell rings and the match is over you two will be forgotten and the real stars will have their time to shine.”
