[Frankie Holliday]

My father is a predator and a deviant.

But I cannot tell my story, without telling his story first. Because we’re a lot alike.

No, I’m not a predator. Well, I am. But at least not in that same sense. And I’m not nearly on his level of being a deviant, but we are both products of the home and time we grew up in.

But this is the prequel, if you will, as to how I became the agent of chaos.

Charlie was born in 1960 in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Charlie was a product of the late ‘60’s and into the ‘70’s and like all teens do I guess, he rebelled against his parents, who were products of the 1940’s. Shit was crazy back then. World War II, into the Cold War, Red scare, everybody suspicious of everybody. Rock and Roll coming into its own and being scary as FUCK. Dudes just shaking their hips scared old people and made it devil music. And then you got people going into space, The President of the United States getting shot. Shit was WILD back then.

And then here comes Charlie, who grows up and more people get shot, the hippies show up, and everybody is on drugs. But by all accounts Charlie was a square. A nerd that got swirlies I guess. But boy when he hit the late ‘70’s he fell in love with punk rock. And that fueled his rebellion. He was about anarchy, fighting the man. He was going to concerts, hanging out at bars and clubs and probably doing some shady shit.

I mean, he was. He said so during a drunken rant a time or two.

But then something happened and all of a sudden he was 25 and realized dying his hair and spiking it into a mohawk wasn’t going to be the best option. Because shit changes when you’re 18. There’s no test or anything that says “You’re an adult now.”
You just…are.

 And suddenly, Charlie had to figure life out after a few years of still being carefree despite not actually being able to be as carefree as he was. And so, Charlie grew up and finally tried to get his life together, but those 7 years of drinking, smoking, doing copious amounts of drugs, fucking, and being a punk rocker had left him 7 years behind.

He wasn’t good at anything. Those times where you’re supposed to learn a skill or trade or… anything useful, he had pissed away starting to start a band and an anti-government coup. Probably both at the same time. But once that faded, he had to try and fucking do something.

So he spent the ‘80’s and ‘90’s trying to find something. To become something. All the while still maintaining the rebellious spirit he had. He was still anti-government, but that shit doesn’t pay bills. He spent the better part of two decades landing odd jobs and getting fired because he was a functioning alcoholic and drug addict. Finally, he became a contractor, working for himself and doing roofing, landscaping, shit like that. And he found himself wanting to settle down.

And so, this being the ‘90’s, he found the internet, a fancy new thing to try and get himself a girlfriend and wife. And he set his eyes on a woman named Sarah Clyde. Only, by this point, he wasn’t looking for the girlfriend or wife type. He wasn’t trying to find that at all. What he thought was settling down wasn’t even that.
He was simply looking for a permanent hookup.   

And Charlie took advantage of Sarah, who was only 17 at the time.
In the year 1999… Charlie was 38.

He wined and dined her, and I mean, Sarah was captivated and probably had a thing for older men. Some people are like that. And she thought she was going to live a life that sounded pretty good to a teenager.

“You don’t have to work, you can stay at home, you have money so you don’t need to worry about anything like that. He’s got the job, the car, the career, the house. He knows what he’s doing. He’s got life figured out.”

That sounds pretty great for someone who isn’t even out of fucking high school.

And for the record, nobody has life figured out even at 38. When you’re trying to have a relationship with a person half your age, you have NOTHING figured out.

Charlie set this relationship up and they kept it a secret for six months. He groomed her. And then Sarah turned 18 and now, like I said before, she was an adult. Again, you just are one day. Shit is weird like that. So, Charlie, who had money, bought a house and moved himself and Sarah out of Michigan entirely and settled in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

This was part of his manipulation and control. He moved her away from everyone she knew. He convinced her this was the right thing to do because he was going to make her life easy. But Charlie wasn’t looking for a loving relationship. Simply, one of dependence. She would be dependent on him, and without him, she would have nothing, and be somewhere where she would be well behind if she attempted to leave.

And the dream scenario turned into her nightmare, because that’s what always happens.

Charlie never went anywhere with Sarah. She may have gone out on her own from time to time, but she had no social life. She didn’t know the neighbors, didn’t work, didn’t drive, she had the bare minimum, and she slowly began to realize that maybe this wasn’t what she wanted. Because, again, she was FUCKING 18. I cannot imagine how batshit crazy the life she was living was then, but I think I have a pretty good idea.

And maybe Charlie sensed that was what was happening, because in 2000, on October 31st, they were married. A 40 year old man married a 19 year old girl. Answering the question “Who the fuck gets married on Halloween?”.

Timing is everything in life I guess, right?

And then, to ring in the new year, Sarah got pregnant. And Charlie was not happy about it. He realized what it meant for him. He now had an extra mouth to feed, and not one that could give him any personal benefits. Sarah was nothing but a concubine for Charlie. And with her pregnant, sex was… less of an option, not that he didn’t try. But now she had less uses. And seeing this as a big negative instead of life being created…

Charlie kicked Sarah out of the house with nothing.

And for two months, Sarah had to stay at a shelter, having no money to do anything for herself.

After those two months, Charlie came back. Perhaps coming to his senses, or more likely, perhaps sobering up for a short period. Charlie poured his heart out to Sarah who, not having any other options, took him back and moved back into the house. And for that short period? Life was as she thought it might be.

And 9 months later, out popped little Francesca Denise Holliday.
September 10th, 2001.
Yes, if you ever had any doubt, I AM a harbinger of world-changing events.

Charlie, at that point, thought about actually settling down. He took care of me, from what my mother told me. He played with me, carried me, bought me things, changed my diaper and all that stuff that dads are supposed to do. Perhaps I gave him some kind of purpose, a reason to not be a complete shithead.

But, turns out, that wasn’t true either.

As soon as I could walk, talk and move about a house of my own volition, Charlie pretty much tagged out on actually being a parent and left that up to Sarah. I became just another mouth to feed, and not one that he was personally interested in feeding if he could help it. Charlie was 40 and wondering what the hell happened to his life.

I became a burden.

I suppose that being a parent isn’t something you just can do without actually wanting to do it. And I know Charlie didn’t want to do that, mainly because of how I was treated.

Now, Charlie was never abusive to me. He never physically harmed me. No, that was too much effort. He may have had some actual disdain for me as a person. I cramped his style, I had to be taken care of. But once I hit the age of 14, I was paraded in front of Charlie’s friends and co-workers. Several times, I was hit on my men nearly 3 times my age, and Charlie didn’t really care. I found it terrible at first. I wasn’t even fully into my body, not developed as a person, and so while I thought this was terrible at first, I became used to it. But I couldn’t become my mother. So that’s why I say at first, because I began to understand and figure out that these men would give me anything I asked for. So, I began using them instead. And I amassed quite a bit of money, gifts and clothes, simply by flirting with 40 year old men, and never giving them anything in return other than a compliment, and most of the time, my time to listen or simply be objectified. It was a small price to pay for becoming a hustler at the age of 15 with literally no consequences.

But Charlie wasn’t impressed by this. I don’t know if he really cared about me at all. He never told me he loved me. Every request was a huge burden, every holiday a complete fiasco. More or less, I got presents and other material things so I would shut up and leave him alone, unless I could do something for him.

The only other real use I had was drunken therapy sessions, which is pretty much where I learned all the information I know. Now, it IS entirely possible that Charlie was gaslighting me, so there’s that aspect as well.

I suppose that was enough, since I did manage to become a fully functioning adult, so there’s that. Not that Charlie is or was interested in that in the first place. I was, and always will be a burden to him, I could never please him, or make him proud or even happy for me. He believed he did his job. And to an extent, I suppose he did.

I have not seen Charlie since I left. That night, Charlie has no idea who I was, and assumed I was either A) A hooker, or B) There to rob him. So he pulled a gun on me, and told me to get out of his house.

So I did.

And I’ve been on my own ever since.

 I don’t know if he’s still alive. I will assume he is though. If I know anything about him, it’s that all the years of drugs and alcohol probably gave him a death tolerance. Death has been coming for him for a long time, and he has persisted for this long.

That’s what I know of my father. I suppose it’s cliche that a girl would have daddy issues.

 But I’m different.

 I don’t JUST have daddy issues.

I have mommy issues too.