Heart Shaped Box
There is a stigma that goes with seeking help. If you have any type of depression or anxiety seeking help for that often leads people to believe that you are mentally unstable or something is wrong. But, seeking help is never a negative. In fact, it takes great strength to realise when you need help and even more strength to ask for it. Going to therapy was never something that Alex thought about. It was a new revelation for him, being strong enough to go and talk about how he felt. It was something that his wife had brought up to him on a few different occasions and this time he had completely agreed.
In the beginning, it was hard. Alex struggled to open up. To talk about anything. But as the weeks went on, he slowly started to talk. At first, it was about simple things – the struggles of balancing his work and his personal life with his children. Eventually, it moved on to feeling like he was letting his kids down.
But then there was more. Struggling with the prospect of never being able to do what he loved to do again. Feeling like his body was betraying him. The anger that he felt deep inside himself as he came to the realisation that he was not immortal. That he was not invulnerable. And that is where we were at now. Alex closed his eyes and took a deep breath; he was leaning forward on the small leather couch sitting across from his therapist. A lovely older man with a British accent. His hair was cut short and parted down the left side as it swung over the back of his head covering a small bald spot on the top of his crown.
He wore wire framed glasses and had a five o’clock shadow. He looked like every single stereotypical therapist you have seen in a movie. His office was very bland. A few bookshelves with self-help and psychology books going from left to right alphabetically sat along the far wall, as well as some statues and awards scattered across the place with pictures of the therapist with friends and family.
[color=red“I just… I knew that one day my career would come to an end.”[/color] Alex shook his head again, clasping his hands together and staring ahead as if he was staring into space. “A job like mine, being largely physical…it takes a toll on you. It destroys your body and it destroys your spirit. But it still doesn’t mean that I’m not sad to see it all end. Especially since it wasn’t on my terms. And I don’t think my wife understands that.”
”Empathy isn’t always easy to come by. In fact, some people really struggle with it. But it’s not with everything. Physical pain or a loss in the family with some kind of death or terminal illness, that is something that people can empathise with. The loss of a job or the ability to do that job? It’s not always as simple as that to understand it.” Alex gave a small nod as the therapist closed his notepad and got to his feet.
Alex stood up as well, shaking his therapist's hand knowing that they were out of time. He turned to move towards the door as he left and contemplated the therapist's words. He was right – not everyone can empathise straight away with any given situation. It takes time and understanding.
Alex drove back to the gym. as he pulled into the parking lot and stopped his car. He took a deep breath. His hand started shaking, his heart started racing. This had been happening more and more. This feeling of dread and anxiety that would overcome him before entering the gym.
It was hard, seeing all of their bright young faces. Their careers ahead of them or in some cases they were in the middle of them. Looking at people who had known for years like Austin and Alicia, ones that he had stood beside and helped become stars. They could still do what Alex could not. And it made him physically ill. It filled him with sadness and pain as well as anger that he couldn’t get rid of. An anger that made him surge with heat and fury. Something he never felt before.
With a groan and a grunt, he got out of his car, closing the door and grabbing his small briefcase. He moved up and threw the main door and around to the office. He looked over with a smile giving Austin a small nod as he saw the hulking tattooed former world champion doing drills with the young kids. Getting them to run the ropes, getting them to do front rolls, getting them to do flatpack bumps. All the things that Alex used to show, it was now Austin‘s job. He then looked over to the grappling mats where Alicia was sitting back on her heels on her knees, explaining different submissions and how to get in and out of them with the female talent. Alex took a deep breath and forced a smile. He was happy but at the same time there was something inside him that hated what he saw. It made him feel irrelevant and useless.
He was jealous. Jealous that they were still able to do what they all loved to do and he couldn’t.
Austin called Alex over, and Alex shook his head and gave him a thumbs up before going into the office putting his briefcase down. Sonja looked up from her laptop and smiled with a nod ”Hey, how was it?”
”It was good, talked through a few things, it’s really helping. Talking to someone who is impartial and not swayed either way…” Alex sat down across from Sonja. She smiled and nodded at him and the two sat and went about their work, Alex looking through his emails before seeing one sent from his surgeon. An advertisement for stem cell research. He leaned closer, his eyes moving across the words and all the information. ”Hmmm…”
Sonja slowly looked up from her laptop with an eyebrow raised, ”Something interesting?”
Alex nodded and sat back, twirling a pen in his fingers. ”My orthopedic surgeon sent me some information on stem cells…..he seems to think it might work…”
”Work for?”
”My knee….it could give me…well…everything.”
Sonja took a sharp inhale and got to her feet, pushing out the breath in a way that made her seem even more annoyed than normal. Her nostrils flared and she stepped forward, getting closer to Alex as she leaned down across his desk. She grabbed the top of the laptop and slowly closed it. Alex turned his head, looking up at his wife as she clearly wanted his attention.
”What?”
Sonja shook her head and uttered one simple word. ”No”
”No?” Alex replied and raised an eyebrow.
Sonja shook her head again and leaned closer. ”Alex, please, don’t even think about it. You’re retired. Going through something like this, these treatments, they might work or they might not, but at the end of the day it still means that you’re going to go back to something that you’ve spent a long time trying to get over and end. You should just keep up with your therapy and get back to doing what we have been building. Keeping this gym going.”
He took a deep breath and shook his head, ”But I-”
”But nothing! You’re retired…accept it…please…”
Sonja stormed out of the office leaving Alex sitting at his desk. Alex shook his head and stared out the window, not hearing or seeing Aaron enter and shut the door behind her. ”Hey…you…you ok?”
Alex flipped his laptop open and growled back, ”Yeah…fine…did you need something?”
Aaron swallowed hard and looked down, she seemed sheepish and almost hurt that Alex snapped at her. She shook her head and turned grabbing the door ,”No…sorry…I…nevermind”
Alex sighed heavily and stood up. ”Wait…” Aaron turned and Alex folded his arms over his chest. ”I’m sorry, I was being rude…I’m not okay, but there’s nothing that can be done…I guess I’m going a little crazy with the whole retirement thing….that’s all.”
Aaron nodded slowly and sighed stepping forward closing the distance. ”Yeah, stepping away feels…wrong. Like a part of you is missing…and it’s a part you always want back, one you’ll do almost anything to get back. I get it…If you need to talk, ever…I’m here.” Alex gave a small nod and a smile, it was nice, knowing that someone understood, Aaron went to leave and Alex cleared his throat.
”Hey…thanks….I appreciate it…” Aaron shot him a small smile and closed the door, leaving Alex in the office alone as he opened the laptop to read more information about the Stem cells
The Answer
San Francisco, California. The opposite side of the country from where Alex Jones currently calls home. The opposite side of the country from where his gym and home are located. He takes a deep breath, slowly walking along the walkway where he can look across the bay and see the Golden Gate Bridge. He stops taking a deep breath.
”Well, that wasn’t what everyone expected was it? The main event of Inception, ending in a disqualification. I get it, people don’t understand why it happened. Honestly? Frustration is something that can get into anyone’s mind. It can eat away at you and it can cause you to lose part of yourself. And, I did. Finn and I went at it and at the end of the day, I could have thrown that chair down, and he and I could have continued the match. I could be standing here as the new Sin City Wrestling World Heavyweight Champion.”
“I want to be really clear on this since a lot of you don’t understand, or don’t seem to care. But no, I didn’t ask Aaron as a fixer to come down to the ring and get involved in my World Championship match. I didn’t ask her to go after anyone or throw a chair into the ring or anything. Why would I do that? Why would I destroy my own shot at being the World Champion?”
“Do I look like an idiot? With how long I’ve been in this, with how long I have been winning world championships and being a part of all of these different companies, you really believe I wouldn’t be smart enough to know what was about to happen?”
“This issue between myself and Finn is not over. Because coming up at Blaze of Glory I get another opportunity at Finn. And there’s a lot of people who are complaining about this. You see Andrea Hernandez has to defend her championship inside an Elimination Chamber. Meanwhile, on the men’s side the elimination chamber is for a shot at Finn. Or, a shot at Me when I become the world champion. And I keep hearing the little whispers, the little complaints, everyone wondering why I’m getting another shot at Finn and why I don’t have to be in the chamber.”
Alex rolls his eyes and throws his arms in the air. He has black bandanna tied around his long hair that flows down his shoulders and his back. A black and red Wolfslair shirt over the top of a pair of baggy blue jeans.
”it’s simple. We don’t have to be. Finn has been the champion long enough that beating everyone in a chamber like that wouldn’t do anyone any favours whatsoever. And at this point in my career, with everything I’ve done, I’ve earned the right to call my own goddamn shots. So, while the rest of you are all scrambling over each other to get a shot at myself or Finn, I’m going to be doing everything I can to beat the shit out of that arrogant little pissant and take the SCW World Heavyweight Championship. And I’m going to do it at the biggest show of the year. I’m going to become a three time World Champion in this company.”
“Yes, three times. And that would be just in this company. I have won so many championships that my trophy room needed to be expanded. And coming up at Blaze of Glory, I have a chance to add to it. Meanwhile, there are a list of hopefuls, stepping into the chamber, all getting ready to beat the living hell out of each other to earn the right to face the World Champion. And that is how it should be. The SCW World Championship should be looked at as a – surprise – something to be earned. Something to be fought for. People like me have earned the right to come back and say that we want a shot at that title. We don’t take back doors into it.”
“And that is what everyone will be fighting for in that chamber, including my opponent this week.”
“And trust me Carter, this match is more exciting to me than you realise. See, I’m not gonna sit here and bullshit my way through this. I’ve never been one to do that. I’m not going to Big Brother/Little Brother you. I’m not going to go down that same road that others do and start spouting off some nonsense about how you haven’t done anything in this business. I’ve seen plenty of what you’ve been able to accomplish in your time under the SCW banner. You started off in SCU, and you grew from there. You’ve done everything you can to get your name out there and be viewed as a star and the truth is, you are one. People love you, Carter.”
“You come out to the ring and people applaud and cheer. They get on their feet and they clap their hands and they stomp their feet and they do everything they possibly can to show their appreciation and love for you. Getting the fans behind you in a way that you have? It's not easy. In fact, it’s one of the hardest things that you can possibly do in your life. But you’ve been able to do it. You’ve been able to do it and when you won the Internet Championship off of Peter Vaughn. I sat at home watching that show and I saw the entire crowd explode.”
“It was amazing.”
Alex nods slowly and gives a small round of applause before taking a deep breath and continuing.
”I’m not someone who is delusional enough to say that you can’t beat me. Anyone can beat anyone else on any given night. But against me, you are definitely Ice skating uphill. You might think that my focus is going to be just on Finn and getting that World Championship. But what if I told you there is a motivation for me to face you and to beat you that goes well beyond that World Championship? Intriguing right? You see Carter, I’m very happy that Miles was able to find you. I’m happy that you two are in love. And you are, we all can see it. The way he looks at you, the way you look at him, you have a storybook romance and a storybook love that most people should envy.”
“But, there is a small problem with it. You see Carter, Miles was a member of my family. He was someone who I affectionately called one of my kids. Miles, along with Lachlan Kane, Sierra Williams, Aiden Reynolds, Johanna Kreiger, Kallie Reznik… they are all my kids. Ones that I have had a hand in training and trying to build up as champions. And there was a time where Miles simply disappeared. We all know this story.”
“He took off without saying a word to any of us. Took off to see you. Now, I’ve never been in the way of anyone finding true love, but the fact he just walked away without saying anything to any of us was a bullshit move. And nobody, nobody took that harder than me. Finn might like to play the victim like he was so hurt by the fact Miles walked away, but we all know that self-centred piece of shit only used it as an excuse. But me, Carter? I was hurt by it. He was a member of my family, a member of my gym. I gave all of my attention and all of my knowledge to that kid and he spat in my goddamn face. And that happened when he started seeing you.”
“Now, it might not be any of your problem. I’m very very aware that this whole thing was probably due to Miles being an immature little dickhead. But at the end of the day, we let him back in and he spat in our faces again when he attacked Finn. Now, I stabbed Finn in the front. I told him I wanted a championship match and went after him. Miles, on the other hand, stabbed him in the back. A big no no. And you, instead of helping to guide him toward a better outcome, instead you blindly followed him.”
Alex rolls his eyes and shakes his head before leaning close
””Carter, let me tell you a little something. Something that you might not get. You are here in your little fantasy land where you believe that love between you and Miles is both of you just blindly agreeing with the other person following them around like a little lost puppy dog. Avoiding conflict wherever you can and just smiling for the cameras and smiling for your family and never having an argument between yourself and your significant other. But real love? Real love is pain. Real love is walking through that pain and telling your partner and the person that you love when they are being a complete raging arsehole. That is something that you as a human being failed at.”
“You failed to call Miles out on his bullshit. You failed to be the partner that he needed instead of being the partner that you thought he wanted. Now, I don’t think you’re a bad person, Carter. I think you are a good human being. You have an amazing heart, and you show it every single time you get in the ring. Even if you are outmatched physically, which you are most of the time. Even if you are outmatched by someone with more experience, like you are most of the time. You still put everything on the line. And that’s what you’ll have to do against me.”
“But, you and Miles have a lot of things in common. One of which being that you are constantly banging your heads against a glass ceiling. Everyone talks about his potential but I want to talk about yours. Your potential. The potential that you refuse to acknowledge except and push push. And hell, the truth is that if you and Miles had gone about things differently, you could’ve come to Wolfslair…”
“You could have trained with the champions. But instead, all you are is a former Internet Champion who has had many many other chances to step up and become the main event star that a lot of us saw you as. But exactly like Miles you just squander opportunity after opportunity and end up being a nobody. And it breaks my heart. It really does, Carter. I know that you should be better than this. I know that you should be more than this. But the fact that you’re facing me this week, well, I have a lot of issues I need to work out with you. And it isn’t just the Miles stuff.”
Alex closes his eyes and instantly his demeanour changes. As his eyes open up again, he looks cruel, cold, like something is wrong.
”Right now. you are standing in the way of me getting to that World Championship. Momentum is everything in this business, Carter. I’ve been around long enough to know what happens when someone breaks that momentum. And facing you? If I beat you and steamroll over you like I know I can, then that will give me momentum going against Finn. If I lose to you? I break that momentum. So what do you think is going to happen, Carter? You know how much I have left in the tank. You know how angry and how frustrated someone can get when they think that their championship aspirations are being taken for granted.”
“So, I have to ask, what do you think is going to happen? What do you think is going to be the line that I will cross? Because when it comes to that championship there isn’t a line that I won’t cross. And you are standing in my way. You might not think it, but you being booked in this match against me is you being an obstacle. And I have made a career out of removing obstacles. I have made a career out of doing everything that I possibly can to get world championships and this is going to be no different. If I have to destroy you to get that momentum to go and beat Finn and take that championship at Blaze of Glory, I will do it. And I’ll do it without an inch of remorse.”
“I am not like you.”
“You are a good person. A kindhearted person. Someone who is filled with respect and love who will do everything they can the right way. I’m not like that, Carter. I am not a good man. I’m not a good person. I have done a lot of things in this business and my personal life that I should be ashamed of that I’m simply not. It is all a means to an end and I will destroy you to get to Finn. And if you somehow drag your broken carcass to the elimination chamber and win it? Then you’ll be facing me again. But this time I will be a World Champion. Because unlike you and unlike Miles? I know how to actually reach my potential.”
