Yesterday…
“You were fucking great tonight…”
The reassuring words of my mentor Myra Rivers were definitely a great feeling as we stood in my Memphis hotel room for a bit.
“Thanks, so were you. It’s pretty crazy how much we are still able to gel in the rare instance that we team up together. I don’t think we’ve ever lost as a team when it’s the two of us… or at least not since GCW…”
I smiled as Myra laughed.
“Yeah, I think you’re right about that. You’re firing on all cylinders. You’ve been a world champion in your own right for 10 months. You’re definitely having the time of your career and I feel like you are definitely ready for Sunday.”
Suddenly, my mood was starting to cool a little bit.
“Right. Sunday.”
I took a deep breath as some butterflies started to invade my stomach. Wrestling Song wasn’t something that I was nervous about, but we both knew the situation. I was thinking about the Belle of the Brawl a bit knowing that two wins were going to get me a shot at the SCW Bombshells World Championship at High Stakes and I could feel that familiar tingling sensation running down my spine again. I was beginning to get flashbacks right in front of me of my experience with the SCW Bombshells World Championship and aside from the night that I won it and my first and only defense against Crystal Hilton, it just wasn’t good. That tingling in my spine suddenly extended down to my fingers and my heart completely sank with sadness as my subconscious was reliving that entire Evie Jordan embarrassment all over again. Myra already knew something wasn’t right.
“Andrea, are you okay?”
“Yeah…” I said in a stammering manner that only set of more alarms in Myra’s head.
“You’re not okay. Look, you can beat Song and take the next step to the world title…”
“It’s not that, Myra. It’s… I have to face those demons now, you know, from 2020. I’m facing the very situation that destroyed me four years ago. I hate to admit this Myra, but our tag match tonight was a distraction so that I wouldn’t have to think about Sunday but now that there’s nothing between this moment and having to face that…”
Myra put a hand on my shoulder, understanding how I was feeling but I could tell by the expression on her face that she meant business and was about to tell me something I likely didn’t want to hear.
“This was going to happen eventually, Andrea.”
“I know but…”
I paused, realizing that at this point, I was doing whatever it took to prevent a full on mental meltdown. The memories of being mocked for having a short title reign, of the end of my reign being wildly cheered, all the haters throwing ‘flash in the pan’ at me, the losing to Evie every single time… even now, in the context of having to face all of that again, even though I’m in the middle of a fulfilling world title reign as is, I was still shaky. Myra knew those hurtful memories were triggering me.
“I was a horrible SCW Bombshells World Champion…” I admitted. “Don’t try to tell me otherwise. I didn’t deserve to be in that spot to begin with and now all the haters are going to come out of hiding to attack me and bring me down just like they did in 2020. I couldn’t handle all that pressure back then especially as Evie became even more of a bully with time…”
“You’re a much different and a much stronger person his time…” Myra reminded me.
“I know but…”
“THAT right there…” Myra pauses as she points to my Festivus World Championship on the counter. “...is all the proof that you need. You wouldn’t have held it as long as you have if you weren’t a stronger person and we both know that. You have to snap out of that 2020 thought process when it comes to the world title, Andrea. You deserve to be in the spot that you’re in. You deserve to be where you are as a professional wrestler. Don’t let some nothing bullshit from four years ago tell you otherwise. Other than Diamond Steele, who you beat recently, and Alicia Lukas, who from that time that actually threw some mudslinging your way and said those awful things to you and treated you the way you did are even in the company right now?”
“Nobody else… Evie and Crystal are long gone.”
“Exactly! You weren’t going to just coast along as you were forever. You haven’t even lost a match since your SCW return and while other Bombshells in the last cycle where getting opportunities that I felt you should’ve gotten over them, you managed to keep your mouth shut, not complain about it, and continue to do your thing and if that plus your championship isn’t enough to tell you that 2024 will be different than 2020, I don’t know what else to tell you.”
“I’m sorry Myra… I didn’t mean to relapse to that person. That quick trigger…”
“Face it, Andrea… the way we both know you can.”
Myra and I exchange a hug before she leaves my hotel room. I prepared to get ready for bed for the next while at this point and eventually, I came back to my bed with a few letters I had written to my father, but I wasn’t glancing at them yet. Recently, I had been facing up to my past and now I had to reflect on it again.
“I was always that girl at that time that would overreact to a setback so much to the point where even when I bounced back, I wouldn’t enjoy the glory…”
I suddenly thought back to the time where I was about to challenge for the SCW Bombshells World Championship for the first time…
December 2019
“I really don’t deserve it…” I told my father when we were sitting on his living room couch. My father’s reaction to what I just said was that of bewilderment.
“Andrea, I don’t understand why you would think like that. Of course you deserve it! I understand you’ve got an uphill battle against when it comes to who you are facing in that elimination chamber. I know you’re facing Alicia, Roxi, Crystal and so forth and you already lost to Alicia…”
“DON’T REMIND ME!” I snapped, catching him by surprise. “That’s exactly why I don’t think I deserve to be in that chamber.”
“So you’re just going to manifest your own failure? Is that it? I raised you and trained you better than that.”
“Dad, you don’t get it…”
“Andrea, you won a match to qualify for that chamber and you’re telling me you don’t deserve it.”
“It was Keira Fisher! Has she ever been a world champion in SCW?”
“That doesn’t matter, Andrea! Besides, Seleana Zdunich was not just a world champion that you defeated, she was also one half of this year’s High Stakes main event for the Bombshells! If you beat a former world champion, I’d say you deserve it…”
“She was a world champion for only two weeks, Dad…”
My father lets out that familiar exasperated sigh that I had become so familiar with over the years.
“Plus, I just got there not that long ago… four months ago to be exact…”
“Andrea, I need you to be quiet for a minute.”
“The whole locker room celebrated Alicia beating me…”
“No disrespect, but who gives a fuck?”
I was taken aback by this as my father continued on.
“You have to move beyond all of that. You lost to Alicia. Yeah. So what? Who hasn’t? Did it destroy you? Did it end your career? No. All you’re seeing is the negative and it’s sad I get that you were in places before that would treat you the worst and that it worsened this negative Nancy mindset of yours that you already had, but for fuck’s sake, gain some fucking perspective. You are one of a very few handful of wrestlers that can make an impact in any wrestling company so quickly the way you have in SCW. Instead of focusing on the loss to Alicia and everyone else hating you because you don’t sugar coat things or whatever reason they want to hate you, why can’t you just focus on the fact that you bounced back. You beat Keira. You qualified for the chamber. You beat Seleana, half of the High Stakes main event. You worry so much about the negative, the setbacks and all of that crap that you never see the forest for the trees and that makes me worried as fuck about your future…”
“Okay… Dad? Please don’t start losing faith in me…” I said, obviously fearing that he was about to because of what he just said. A month prior, he was telling me that I had the brightest of futures and now he was telling me that he was worried about my future.
“I’m NOT losing faith in you, but the way you treat things worries me. You need to stop this mindset before you really start hurting yourself. You deserve to be there and you’re going to win…”
“And what? Make everyone resent me even more for winning the world title so fast?”
“Andrea, you’ve got to be kidding me.”
“They hate me, Dad…” I said through tears forming in my own eyes. “...I didn’t do anything wrong other than a few misplaced words to the right people. Do you realize how much pressure it is trying to be successful in a place where everyone is rooting for you to fail?”
“You’ve got this…”
“NO I DON’T!”
My father then firmly placed his hands on my shoulders doing everything he possibly could to calm me down. But even he, I could tell, was starting to crack a bit. He had a worried look on his face that I had never seen before.
“”Andrea, listen to me. Get it together and do it NOW! If you don’t… I don’t even want to think about what might happen to you. You don’t realize that by having the mindset that you do of everyone hating you and wanting you to feel, that you’re setting yourself up for self-destruction and I’m not joking a damn bit.”
“I know better, Dad…” I said, sighing to cut the tension a bit. “...I’m not going to let anyone or everyone control my emotions, how I feel about myself, how much I deserve something… you get the idea.”
My father breathed a sigh of relief at that point.
“Thank god. It’s not worth the meltdown, Andrea. Trust me on that. Now focus and get that world title, alright?”
I nodded as my father left the couch and I was left alone to think about the chamber ahead…
Yesterday…
I was glancing over some letters that I wrote to my father after he passed away and I could feel that familiar emptiness in my heart when I thought back to my attitude and how I ignored my father’s warning. I read a page about how winning the title didn’t bring me the joy that I thought I was going to have and I just closed my eyes and soaked in all the guilt going through me at the time. I realized that from 2020 to 2022, I had felt so hopeless without him. I clothed my eyes and clutched onto those letters, ruminating for a bit and coming to the unfortunate conclusion of that time period…
“Daddy, you were right…” I said.
“You’re damn right I was…” I heard him say and sure enough, when I opened my eyes, there he was sitting next to me on the bed.
“But I want to tell you this. I’m proud of how far you’ve come since you hit rock bottom all of those years ago. I don’t want you to forget that. I’m proud of how far you’ve come in this second run with SCW just like you did the first time. It seems as though history might be repeating itself again here… as if you’ve got a second chance to live this journey the right way…”
“...making up for everything and redeeming that awful time in my career, particularly 2020 around the time that you passed… that’s one of the reasons why I returned to SCW in the first place and I know that winning the world title again is the one true way that I can redeem that.”
“I won’t disagree with that…” my father said. “...but second chances like what you have, don’t come around often and third chances? Next to impossible. Don’t ever put yourself in a situation where you’d need a third chance and the way to accomplish that is not to fall down the same rabbit hole you did the first time.”
“Yeah, I understand. At least when I came back to SCW, I didn’t make a bad first impression this time. I have to say that aside from maybe someone that isn’t on the roster anymore, I’ve been treated so much better. Still, I own up to my mistakes. Back then, I said the wrong things to the wrong people. I admit that, but that doesn’t mean I deserved all the scorn and the hate I got… for that first year anyway. It’s amazing how saying a few things that could’ve been said with more finesse is what triggered all of that hate…”
“You just experienced it again with Raine, you know…” my father reminded me “...you didn’t say anything mean to her necessarily, but she got offended and… yeah let’s not go there.”
“That didn’t bother me so much…” I admitted.
“See? That’s growth. What bothered you four years ago didn’t bother you this time. You can’t control people’s reactions to what you say on a promo. As a matter of fact, I agree with you entirely in hindsight. You didn’t say anything mean… just honest. It’s not your fault that there were a select few women back then that were sensitive, insecure and that couldn’t handle the truth. Now, it’s not okay to hurt people’s feelings on purpose, but still. That’s a them problem, not a you problem.”
“Of course. I didn’t know that lesson back then.”
“You’ve grown beyond that pettiness, princess. Far beyond it. Make it right! Get to that triple threat. Win that Belle of the Brawl. Get to High Stakes. It’s the most fitting time for you to bring things full circle, make things right and finally conquer those demons right in front of you that have always been bugging you… the ones that you know in your heart won’t go away until you win that title back and prove you deserved so much more than what you had back then. Make this happen! I’ve got faith in you, now, more than ever.”
“I’m not going to relapse into that old mindset… I’m not going to let those demons beat me again… I’m NOT going to fall into the same bullshit I fell into years ago…
I closed my eyes again and then opened them in a flash. I looked to my right and my father was gone. I felt a little dazed and confused for a minute, but I let out a sigh realizing the reality of the moment I was in…
“...wow, what a way to doze off…” I said, acknowledging it was all just a dream. “...but he’s right, Myra is right and I KNOW I CAN and I WILL conquer those demons and FINALLY put that awful experience of 2020, especially that summer… behind me…”
I paused, letting out a sigh.
“Thanks Dad…”
My mindset thankfully changed for the better from there and now? I was back to the focus that I needed to be: to beat Song, to win Belle of the Brawl, and to get that redemption I’ve been starving to have for over four years…
The next night…
I had made my trip to Nevada by this point. When the camera came on me, I wasn’t as nervous as I was the night before about what’s to come. I was definitely feeling motivated again. I hated that it took having to go through a triggering soft meltdown the night before to get that push to face the demons again but I knew that it would lead to a greater good.
“Look, I know there’s a whole Halloween thing going on this Sunday, but fun isn’t something I am thinking about right now. Song, I am going to cut right to the chase with you. We have a couple of things in common and the two biggest things? We both came back to this company this year and we want to fucking prove that we are the warriors that we think we are. So, this clash that is going to happen on Sunday is definitely going to be a barnburner for me. While I appreciate the passion that you bring to the table, and while I do feel like your heart is in the right place, I still feel like my passion and my heart will come out stronger in the end. You see Song, this opportunity means everything to me. If you know anything about my story, you will know that I am a former SCW Bombshells World Champion and while that may sound great and everything, the fact of the matter is, I won that world championship four years ago and I didn’t even survive the following supercard cycle. Fifty six days… that’s all I got. And sure, that’s more than a handful of Bombshells and that’s even more successful then some of the legends that have walked into this place regardless of gender…
But Song, you are facing a competitor that doesn’t half ass and who wants to push herself to be better every step of the way. You weren’t there in 2020 when I won that championship and I suffered through the shit that I did. You weren’t there to see me fail so hard. You didn’t see me lose that world title far sooner than I wanted to lose it nor did you see the unreal collapse that happened afterward that made me embrace all the hatred I was getting in the locker room and that doesn’t disqualify you from anything necessarily but at the same time, that past that I was once so ashamed of, that I ran away from when I wasn’t in this company for as long as I was gone, it’s what fuels me now. So I hope you understand where I am coming from when I say that I have to have this. I have made it known on record that the reign that I had four years ago was NOT going to be my only one and now it’s the time to fulfill that promise. I have come back and just like I did the first time around, I have come in like a house of fire and I have taken this company by storm again. I have done what I set out to do. I beat Krystal, Seleana, Diamond and Kallie at the same time, Raine, and Alexandra Calaway who I would be facing again if I were to win this match by the way and I know I’m just getting warmed up here.
I know that the real test is just beginning and that test begins with you and as much respect as I may have for you as a competitor, I am going to make it known right here, right now that when it comes to this World Championship chase, I am NOT going to let ANYONE get in my way. I am NOT going to let ANYONE define who I am as a wrestler and what I am worth as a person or as a potential champion and if I have to go scorched earth, then that’s what I am going to do and it’s that kind of mentality that puts me over the top against someone like you. I’m not saying you have no passion for what you do, but what I am going to say is that you don’t have the strong fire within you as I have in me. I am going to exorcize my demons and it starts with you. I HATE that it starts with you because I don’t hold a thing against you, but that’s how it is going to have to be. I’ve wanted this from the time I came back. In fact, I’ll even say that this is the BIGGEST reason why I did.
But you?
What exactly was your purpose? Your desire? What brought you back around these parts? What was it that drew you to want to compete here again? Because when I hear you say what you say about your opponents, I’m not entirely sure I can interpret any sort of purpose. It’s not that you don’t have one necessarily, but it’s the fact that you’re someone that I feel is struggling to find a direction or a target or a goal. You came back and you seemed like you were in good spirits when you beat Ariana Angelos and everything but since then? It’s been more or less a mixed bag with you. Hell, I think you are in a spot at the moment where you go the way the wind blows. One match, you’re talking about Ariana and you’re coming at her from an honorable angle, wanting to just get back in there and make history and you were giving that ‘fight the good fight’ type of attitude and that seemed to work for you.
But then down the line against Luna, it was something that was a little bit different.
It wasn’t so much about fighting the good fight, was it? No, you came of as someone that wanted to eat Luna for lunch. You went from being above trying to discredit Ariana, even going so far as to acknowledge that people do such a thing, to doing everything in the book to discredit Luna. Now, am I a fan of Luna’s attitude and how she carries herself? She’s not necessarily my cup of tea. I admit that. But at the same time, that doesn’t mean you had to go in there and act as if she doesn’t know what it was like to be a true competitor as you seemed to have insinuated in your promo against her. That doesn’t mean that you had to try and discredit the fact that she has had two belts to her name and neither time she held a title, the reign lasted all that long. Unless I’m mistaken, you don’t have a Sin City Wrestling championship of any sort to your name, right?
So why the fuck are you trying to discredit Luna for having two short reigns when in the end, having two short reigns is still better than having no reigns at all. Shit, that even puts my own reign as Bombshells World Champion that I am nowhere near proud of into perspective, doesn’t it? I hate to bring this up, but you’re standing in front of that camera asking Luna what she’s actually accomplished when she’s accomplished more than you have. Honestly, I was pretty disappointed to see you carry that type of attitude because you had me fooled after your match with Ariana thinking that you weren’t that type of person. Luna winds up beating you and I don’t seem to recall you even mentioning or acknowledging that? I don’t seem to recall you coming out of the woodwork vowing to do whatever it took to be better and to improve along the way along with learning from your mistakes and as passionate as you can be when you are on your game, I just don’t think you’re consistent enough with it.
I don’t think you want to grow as much as I do.
Hell, I’ll even go as far as saying that at the moment when it comes to your journey here in Sin City Wrestling, you don’t even have a true identity yet because you’re still trying to find that. Now, I am not going to knock that or anything, but when you have a situation like this Sunday where a potential World Championship shot is on the line, you can’t be in the process of finding your identity: you’ve already got to have it figured out. You can’t win a world championship and be at your very best as a professional wrestler if you don’t even know who you want to be in this business. It’s a harsh truth, but I’d rather tell a harsh truth than sugar coat it.
I admit that what I just described…
That was me the first time I was here. I came to this company the first time five years ago and a big problem that I had was that I didn’t know what I wanted to be and I didn’t know myself all that well as a professional wrestler even though I THOUGHT I did and that was something that weighed me down and screwed me in the long run. Sure, I won that Bombshells World Championship. But… honestly?
I wasn’t ready for that.”
I took a brief pause to sigh at such an unfortunate fact.
“This isn’t to say that I’m ungrateful for the opportunities that I had, because I was at the time. But I went into every single main event and world title match I was in at that point feeling like I wasn’t ready, but being too stubborn to admit it. I was throwing things against the wall just to see what stuck and on ONE Easter night, something DID stick but the consequence of being on top so fucking soon, before you are even ready, is that there’s nowhere to go but down because you don’t have the belief system within you to push ahead as the champion you can be. Psychologically, I had no structure in place and once I lost that world title, I was broken… and then broken became shattered when my father suddenly passed and then… well… I spiraled for two entire fucking years until I left this company because it was the only way I was ever getting out of that spiral…
Now?
I know who I am. I know my identity. I know what I want to accomplish. I know what I am capable of. If I can win that world championship once, during a time where I was honestly nowhere close to my best as a professional wrestler in hindsight, then I can win it again when I am beginning to progress to the peak of my career. I didn’t come back here until I became stronger and until I discovered who I was and who I wanted to be and because I wasn’t going to let THAT reign be my only one…
…and mark my words…
It fucking won’t be…
And it all starts with YOU! It’s easier said than done, but I know what I have to do. I have to beat you. I have to get to that triple threat against Alexandria and Alicia… speaking of conquering demons by the way… I have to beat them and then go to High Stakes against Kayla where that spotlight is going to be shining the brightest. It’s a gauntlet full of demons to overcome the Hell that destroyed me four years ago and to finally put all of those 2020 ghosts to rest…
But I know that if there is one woman on the roster that is capable of that, it’s me and that’s exactly what I plan on doing. For the first time in four years, a world title related opportunity has come around and starting on Sunday, running away from the world title as I did after that horrible summer of four years ago for so damn long will be a thing of the past.
I’ll show you what the strongest warrior is capable of Song…
I’ll show you why I do what I do…
I show you why I’ll beat you and why ultimately, I’ll win that Belle of the Brawl and then make that redemption and everything else come full circle at High Stakes of all places. It’s a bold thing to say, I realize that. I know that certain people might hear this and they might get annoyed with me, pissed at me, or whatever the fuck they feel. But the old Andrea used to dictate her own worth based on how other people felt about her…
But no more…
Sunday is where I start taking control of my own destiny again.
You’re going to have to fight like hell to stop me…
And as much as it pains me to say this, you’re going to have to get rid of me by putting me in a grave deeper than my own father’s to crush my dreams again…
Now do you understand how bad I want this? Now do you get why I HAVE to win this?
Song, you’re only just witnessing the tip of the fire that is burning within me right now.
Get ready to experience it on Sunday when I advance to that triple threat…
With that, I allow that fire to burn within me and I allow that determination to flow through me as I shut the camera off and get myself in that familiar zone to come through in the clutch just like I have many times before in SCW despite my own self-created adversity…
