April 15, 2024
The morning after…
This is the third time I’ve been through this. The previous two times that I lost a world championship, I didn’t handle it well. The night before was filled with numbness that carried over to this day. I kept to myself through the night and through this day so far. It was a long, three hour charter bus back to Phoenix before jumping on a plane and going back to San Diego.
Sadly, for all I’ve learned during my time in SCW, old habits were hard to break.
Like I did the previous two times I lost a world championship, I was scrolling through social media wondering if anyone was celebrating a new champion or celebrating my “downfall”. I was surprised to see that aside from Kayla’s boasting, social media was mostly calm about the night before.
Then came part two of the “old habit…”
Sitting in a space… alone… imagining what my father would say and even wondering if he was laughing at me from hell.
I would be shocked to discover that I couldn’t even give my father the time of day.
Something felt different about this time and as I laid my phone on my lap on the back of the bus, it was hitting me.
“What if this time is different?” I asked myself. “What if nobody is laughing at me or celebrating my failure? That’s the way it always is, right? Where’s my dad to tell me how much of a miserable failure I am?”
I was in self-defense mode, almost expecting it. I felt a buzz from my phone and I was quick to glance at it. It was a message, from Myra Rivers of all people, telling me “you had a hell of a title reign, still one more than I did in SCW.”
I was taken aback by the praise. Myra and I are nowhere near friends and we’ve never worked for the same company. One of her proteges, Chelsea LeClair, was someone I was close to and I was surprised to see she messaged me not feeling sorry for me, but telling me that the best was yet to come. I dug through my messages… and my heart seemed frozen with shock seeing nothing but positivity…
“You have nothing to be ashamed of…” Christy sent me.
“Nobody in SCW will ever pull off what you just did ever again…” Ally reminded me.
“I know it hurts, but I know you are incredibly strong and you will push through this…” Liam reassured me.
“I’ve never been more proud to call you my daughter…” my mother wrote me. “You are not going to beat yourself up over this. You are amazing. You are strong. You will push through this better than ever because that’s what you’re made of. I am not ashamed of you at all and I can’t wait to see what you do in the future knowing you’ve finally beaten those demons your father planted in you…”
That’s the message that did it.
That’s when I knew that things were different this time. Reading the outpouring of love from my mother all the way to people I barely knew like Myra certainly felt like freedom. Going through a few wrestling sites and seeing that I wasn’t being trashed at all for losing the title, or mocked for my reign, or any of the negativity that I was used to warmed my heart so much that I couldn’t help it anymore.
I couldn’t stop crying for at least 20 minutes after that.
I wasn’t crying because I lost the world title, but because for the first time in forever, if not the first time in my life, I finally knew what it was like for people to be there for me in a moment where I was at my most vulnerable.
“It hurts…” I admitted through my own tears, still feeling the sting in my soul of finally having that “1” in the SCW loss column. In this moment, I knew that how things were going to go were going to be determined by my next sentence. I could give up and quit… as I had done the last two times I lost a world title…
Or I could really prove to myself more than anyone that things were going to be different…
“...but I am not defeated…” I said as I wiped away my own tears.
I knew that it was going to take some time for that fire to come back. But as the bus sped on to Phoenix, I knew that I was going to be okay.
And in this vulnerable moment, dwelling in the sting of defeat?
That’s all I needed.
April 17
I was at dinner with my mother, but up until now, we didn’t talk about Blaze of Glory. I didn’t want to talk about it. I felt like it was too soon. In fact, I didn’t pay much attention to the conversations we were having because I was digging through social media still expecting someone to attack me. I was expecting my ex to dance on the grave of my reign. I was expecting Kayla to run up the score, or Seleana to celebrate, or Krystal to go “LOL NEW CHAMPION”, or even Courtney to come out of the woodwork and say “She was always a nobody LOL”.
But none of that was happening.
Two hours in, my mother sat next to me and suddenly snatched my phone away. She’d been down this road with me twice.
She knew exactly why I was into my phone so much.
I just scoffed with surprise at what she just did.
“They’re not going to trash you, honey…” my mother said.
“Surprisingly…”
“It’s not healthy to worry about what people are saying about you. All it’s been is Kayla being a boisterous bitch and Minka trying to pour salt in the wound. Other than that…”
“Mom…” I said with a sigh. “...it still fucking hurts…”
“We’re finally going to talk about it?” my mother said, almost with amusement.
“I wanted it so badly…” I said, as I sullenly looked down on the table. “I wanted to put the icing on the cake of that title reign. I had it, mother. Everything that I could’ve ever wanted was right there. I had the supercard main event I was striving for. All I had to do was win and the puzzle would be complete. I’m not going to lie to you… and I’m NEVER going to say this on camera… that missing piece of the puzzle is haunting me right now.”
My mother moved a little closer to me.
“This one hits different…” I continued. “This was ‘our’ title remember? I can only remember the joy I felt in my heart when I won it for you right when you had your kidney removal and all. I know that it’s because of what my father drilled into me, but I really feel like a piece of shit of a daughter right now… because I lost OUR title…”
My mother wrapped an arm around me at this point.
“Honey, you’re not a ‘piece of shit daughter’, okay? It was bound to happen eventually.”
“Yeah, but to HER of all people? Someone that I met at that TERRIBLE first company I wrestled for? THAT… you know what… that’s not even important…”
“There you go…” my mother reassured me. “See? You can’t allow yourself to be defined by your setbacks or whatever it is you went through. I know you may not believe it just yet, but you have grown so much stronger since you started wrestling in SCW. The best is yet to come for you, sweetheart. This really is the best time for you to take a step back and to find yourself further especially since you’re about to go on a tour. Learn to remember that Julianna the person is not defined by what happens to Julianna the wrestler. You’re starting to get it, and I’m proud of you. Now, go experience the world will you?”
“Sure mother…” I said with a sigh as she gave me my phone back.
I knew in my heart she was right.
But I still had so much hurt and bitterness to sift through as a result of that loss…
April 23
Nine days after the gut punch of the title loss…
I was starting to feel normal again as I was coming out of the gym. By then, I wasn’t obsessing over my phone seeing if anyone else was talking trash about me. That familiar fire was coming back and as I walked toward my car, I heard a sarcastic clap from nearby.
“BRAVO…” I heard coming from the distance as I immediately felt anger pour through me. “...what a fucking CHOKEJOB you pulled 9 days ago…”
Minka Valeria, my ex-girlfriend, was literally the last person I wanted to see. But there she was, right in front of me.
“What a joke of a title reign you just finished up. All of that bravado and all of that begging and whining for a supercard main event and you fucking choke? It just goes to show you that you lost your edge when you decided to dump me. Sorry Jules, but I’m basking in the glow of all of it! I LOVE seeing you fail! It’s KARMA for dumping me! You deserve EVERY ounce of pain you’ve dealt with since you lost that title.”
“Are you done?” I said to her defiantly.
“You are one of the WORST World Champions SCW has ever had. You built up a reign beating joke after joke when the joke all along was you. You finally stepped up and you BLEW IT! You know, maybe if… you just… continued to ignore Kayla, you’d still be champion? I mean… that was SO RICH! You got tired of her talking shit about you so you decided to call her out and….”
Minka was cackling at this point and not since my own father did I want to punch someone so hard.
“...you fell for her stupid little game and it cost you the title! MAN, I bet you feel REALLY STUPID now! I bet you haven’t felt this stupid since…”
“When I dated you?” I said, having had enough of her shit. Minka rolled her eyes with amusement.
“I was the best you ever had, Jules. We could’ve taken over the wrestling world many times over. You and I should’ve been THE power couple of SCW. We both had that contract offer and I was ready to do it until YOU decided to go back to MAINSTREAM instead. Then YOU had to dump me because YOU couldn’t handle a real woman…”
“Sexually harassing and objectifying your girlfriend on Twitter isn’t what a real woman does, Minka.”
“You’re NOTHING without me, Jules! Just admit that.”
NOW I was pissed off.
“This whole SCW thing was a fluke and Kayla exposed you and oh my GOD, the sex I had with my new girlfriend while your title loss was playing in the background…”
“What’s it like being her cuck, Minka?”
“Excuse me?”
“I want you to listen to this part VERY closely! I don’t give two fucks about what you think because what you think is nothing but a bunch of shit! When we were together, you were POISON! My career was in the mud! I didn’t accomplish SHIT being with you and suddenly, I find myself and reach the pinnacle of my game so far AFTER I dumped you? That’s not a coincidence! You never gave a shit about me. I was just your sex toy. Well I’m NOT your sex toy and I am especially not someone you can use and play around with anymore! FUCK that and FUCK you! Now do yourself a favor and get the FUCK out of my face! I’m NOT tolerating bullshit from people like YOU anymore! So get the FUCK away from me!”
Minka wanted to say something else, but ultimately, with the anger on her face, she flipped me off and decided to turn and walk away.
Suddenly, I was feeling a hell of a lot better knowing I was able to push away someone that was reveling in my defeat without so much a thought.
April 25
I was still going through my ‘processing’ phase, but after I told off my ex, I knew that I was going to be alright. I was standing in the water on a bright, beautiful day at Point Loma beach, taking in nature and just keeping myself calm. Nature, at this moment, was my therapy. I could see my reflection in the water clear as day and I was beginning to enjoy the feeling of experiencing something other than shame whenever I saw it.
“I’ve learned so much about myself since the first match that I had in SCW…” I thought to myself. “In a way, I always figured that I was a ‘good wrestler’, but I never would’ve imagined that I would pull off what I did. Others in the company or the business might say differently, but I’m not that same woman that I was prior to coming to SCW that allowed their criticisms of me to get to me so much. Although… it sickens me to admit that Minka was right about one thing…”
Cue a brief moment of bitterness on my part…
“...I fell right into Kayla’s trap when I wanted to silence her…”
Even with this realization, I wasn’t so much burdened by it.
“But sooner or later, we were going to cross paths anyway. I have no regrets getting after it and doing what I had to do to get the supercard main event that I wanted. In fact, I don’t even regret the outcome even though it sucked as much as it did. I know what I am as a professional wrestler now. I’ve gained so many perspectives since I came to the company. I’ve finally learned how to quit being ‘daddy’s victim’ and to be my own woman at last. It’s a hell of a feeling. To overcome the adversity that I did throughout my upbringing, through the abuse my father put me through in training, and the horrible roller coaster that was my pre-SCW career to go 14 matches undefeated, winning the world title at High Stakes and holding the damn thing for 6 months? Even if there were things that could’ve gone better for me, like my first two defenses for instance, I can’t be ashamed of that.
But there’s this burning, nagging feeling in my heart that knows I can do even BETTER than that…
And that’s what I am going to strive to do.
I look at my reflection in the water, and I’m finally realizing how special of a young lady the person looking back at me is…”
I took a sigh and breathed in the sea air for a bit before I came out of the water and onto the sand where Liam, who came with me, was waiting for me. We embraced, but I was definitely feeling some regret.
“Traveling the world is going to be great… but doing so alone? Not so much…”
Liam just laughed at this.
“Don’t worry about that. I will say that what I’ve seen from you since you lost the title, how you’ve pushed through and stayed strong… I’m loving every second of it and I’m seeing what you can truly be capable of and I will be part of your journey any way I can.”
“That’s SO sweet…” I said with a laugh and an eye roll. “You’ll continue to see it, I promise.”
“Do me a favor while you’re on the tour?”
“Yeah?”
“Win that title back….”
“You’re damn right I’m going to win it back….”
The kiss we exchanged might as well have sealed the ‘healing process’ from what would normally be an ultra devastating, confidence shattering loss. But things WERE different now. I’ve become much too strong to be a victim like I was the previous two times I lost a world title.
The way I was able to fight through the pain and the heartbreak showed me that my mother is right…
The best IS yet to come…
May 10, 2024
Here I was in France, largely carrying some anger toward Kayla Richards but with the camera on me, I knew I had to be composed and calm at this point. I remembered the last time I faced Seleana Zdunich and how angry I was that I even had to deal with her and more importantly, defend the SCW Bombshells World Championship against her. I wasn’t ashamed of the mindset I was in then, but at the same time, I knew that I was going to approach things differently. That angry fire that slowly came back to me in recent weeks after Blaze of Glory was back… and it was about to make Seleana its first victim.
“It feels like de ja vu all over again, huh Seleana?
Let’s get the elephant in the room out of the way. I’m not the world champion anymore like I was when I defended the title against you and on that subject? Sure, there may be a couple of things about my title reign that I wish were different or better or whatever, but I have no shame in it. I’m not going to go around carrying regrets because regrets are for LOSERS! The kind of wrestler that I’ve become recently is the one that learns from her mistakes and do whatever she needs to do to be better and to get back the throne that she just lost! You think you’re going to come into this match hoping to catch me off guard because I got Kayla in my sights? Yeah, forget that. Oh wait, but you think you get to catch me in an off night because I’m SO DOWNTRODDEN over losing the title at Blaze of Glory.
Yeah, fuck that too. Enough time has passed between then and now to the point where I’ve licked my wounds, learned what I needed to learn and move forward and I have no regret at all in saying that you’re going to be an EXAMPLE! Your purpose in this match for me is for me to show the world what separates a winner like me from someone like you. You see, Seleana… you probably thought that I would’ve been on this downward spiral over losing the title. I get it. It happens. People that go on the streaks that I was on, once they suffer their first loss in this company, generally go down the drain real fast. Some recover, but others? Not so much.
You SHOULD understand that, right?
I mean… you ARE a former SCW Bombshells World Champion…
For all of like… 14 days…
We both know what it’s like to lose that title… but don’t mistake that for me having empathy for you because I don’t. The fact of the matter is, ever since you lost that championship, you have failed to demonstrate any capability of being able to bounce back and be stronger and better than ever.
‘But Julianna… I won the Roulette Championship and held it for a few months after all that…’ you’ll say… probably in Swedish, hiding behind your language as you always do.
And? You want to use that as an example of resiliency from the heartbreak that you suffered from only being a world champion for 14 days? There’s a reason why that championship is generally considered to be the third tier championship, Seleana. The Roulette Championship is more or less the ‘rookie’ championship, the ‘newcomer’ championship, the title that you win when you’re not good enough to win or contend fo the world or the Internet Championship if you don’t qualify as a newcomer. Now Seleana, when I first got here, I was more than willing to win that title but now that I’ve been on a higher mountain than that I can proudly say that it’s not a title that I need to be winning at this point. Otherwise? I’d be doing what YOU did: run away from the main event picture and stoop low enough to competition that you could actually beat. I mean, who’d you beat for the title? Candy? PLEASE! You went for that title because you did what I’d NEVER do and that’s SURRENDER…
You bent the knee…
You gave up…
You quit chasing the title that you had for fourteen days because you knew that you weren’t good enough to be at that level and you never were. What you have shown in this company ever since that brief moment on top of the world, especially since you lost the Roulette Championship, is further proof of that. You did what a lot of the ‘dominant champions’ did and that’s give up without ever so much saying it. You backed off and decided to stay in a different lane knowing it was safe there… just like Andrea Hernandez did… TWICE… when she lost the world championship and eventually settled for the Internet title… and when she packed her bags and quit after she lost that title and her 18 match winning streak or however long it was.
You did what Krystal Wolfe did after HER Roulette title reign ended and that’s be stuck in a never ending loop of mediocrity and complacency that makes you one of the most historical losers of this division at the moment. You have shown NONE of the resiliency that makes a true world champion that I am about to show when I bounce back and beat you on Sunday because believe me… I’m PISSED… I’m on a fucking mission. I don’t give a fuck about who I have to run through between now and Into the Void, Seleana, and if I put someone on the shelf or end someone’s career, TOO BAD! I’m doing what I need to do in order to make it clear as fucking day that I am NOT going to be another Krystal, another Andrea, another fly by night bitch like Ruby Steele who was carried to a Blast from the Past win and did nothing with it or like Georgie Robertson who got ONE win, which happened to be that stupid Golden Briefcase, and has done virtually nothing ever since.
And I’m STILL bitter about that shit that she pulled when I faced the other two champions in the triple threat not that long ago. It’s been a little too long since my last win for my liking, Seleana. But that’s fine. I’m about to make sure that elusive 14th win happens. I am NOT someone like you: having a moment of glory in the sun and then just giving up and dogging it once that moment in the sun fades away. Ironically, as much as I hate to admit it, I USED to be before I came here. I USED to have a horrible attitude regarding losing a world title…
I lost my first one to a piece of shit that retired and I took it as my whole reign meaning nothing but serving to be someone else’s ‘last moment of glory’... and my career took a hit for a while… I even QUIT the company I was that world champion in…
I lost my second one and everyone in that particular company treated me like I was “over” and “done” and all the fans moved on to the new champion like my contributions meant nothing… and my career was more or less in the dumps until I basically came here.
So trust me, I KNOW what it’s like to be YOU after a World Championship loss: someone that’s a quitter in spirit, someone that settles for less, someone that has no initiative to strive to be better than before and just goes around in circles hoping to catch ONE lucky break…
But NOT ANYMORE…
I am NOT that same old Julianna…
I am especially NOT YOU!
I COULD’VE BEEN, but the fact that I came here and accomplished what I have PROVES that I can overcome even the most heartbreaking of losses and the worst of the adversity one can ever wish or manifest upon me and KNOWING my potential now means I can NEVER look back and even better, NEVER regress to being SOMEONE LIKE YOU all over again! Blaze of Glory is NOT going to define me and it’s NOT going to be the final chapter of the book that is very much still in progress, Seleana! I have the fight that you have lacked for years. It’s fucking shocking that you’re not French considering how EASILY you gave up once your pathetic 14 day title reign ended.
I’m NOT going to fall back on old patterns like I did before.
You’re NOT going to catch lightning in a bottle the way you did with Krystal Wolfe last week. I mean for real… if you think that win is going to light a spark in you then… no…
Absolutely not…
The thing is, Krystal completely dogged it when she wrestled you. I’m sure you heard her promo where all she did was whine and bitch about facing you again after she had beaten you every time you faced each other previously. She had no heart or desire to even wrestle that match against you and that’s literally the only reason why you won last week. It just goes to show you that the only women you can beat in this division anymore are those that gave up just as hard, if not harder, on themselves as you did. You’re not going to catch me sleeping or catch me dogging it like she did. FUCK NO! I’m not falling for the trap. I’m not going to be on the wrong end of an embarrassing upset. The only way you even stand a CHANCE at beating me when I’m in the mindset that I am in right now is if by some miracle, you pull the old Seleana out of your ass, the one that main evented High Stakes against Alicia Lukas and was a world title contender a long, LONG time ago…
And considering we haven’t seen that Seleana in so long, I don’t have a reason to even FEAR that possibility even if I DO have to treat you like that wrestler because I’m not going to be caught off guard against the likes of you.
Hell, even if you DO pull that Seleana out of your ass, it STILL won’t be good enough to beat me. I’m sure people in the back have been talking over the last few weeks and I’m sure the word around the back is that what happened at Blaze of Glory was ‘the end’ for me…”
I paused and completely scoffed at the idea.
“But like I’ve been saying for weeks, Blaze of Glory wasn’t ‘the end’, it was the beginning. I may have lost the championship, Seleana. But the fact of the matter is, there is a HUGE difference between losing and being defeated and when I beat you again, that’s exactly what I am going to prove. I am the epitome of someone that lost, but is still a champion in the making… someone who isn’t defeated because they refuse to stay down and they refuse to allow adversity to define their legacy in such a negative fashion. YOU, of course, are the epitome of being defeated. You’ve been defeated for years, Seleana. I think I’ve elaborated enough on that by now. If you were to retire on Sunday, you might be remembered as a ‘former world champion’, but we all know that your legacy is being someone else’s wife and a flash in the pan.
But I’m still in the early stages of my legacy here, Seleana…
I’ve got a hell of a long way to go.
I said that Blaze of Glory was the beginning, and that’s exactly what it is. Truth be told, Sin City Wrestling hasn’t even seen the absolute BEST of Julianna DiMaria yet. What I accomplished between my debut and Blaze of Glory was a mere appetizer for what’s to come in the long term. It’s the sign of someone that is one of the best prodigies this division is going to see for a long time… not of someone that is a flash in the pan and goes ‘poof’ once they get exposed or once they get bored. Fitting that it starts with you…
Because even though I’ve taken my shots at Kayla these last two weeks…
Even though I’ve unleashed some anger…
Even though I’ve begun to climb back up the hill….
This division hasn’t seen the growth that I am about to display when I make that example out of you.
When I do that, Seleana?
This entire company, this entire division, is going to begin to see it…
They’re going to recognize real quick that I’m not going away…
My war with Kayla is far from over, Seleana…
And I’m damn sure not sorry that I’m about to make you a casualty of it…
With that vigor burning in me, I shut off the camera and really start to focus on not just the battle that’s ahead of me on Sunday, but the journey over the long term that’s about to begin.
It’s going to take a hell of a lot more than losing the SCW Bombshells World Championship to break me to pieces…
