January 8
Visiting my mother was of course, routine. But on this night, following my return from Colorado to San Diego, my mother was very adamant about me coming over. This wasn’t like her unless she had something important to tell me so from that alone, I was feeling nervous as I was pulling up in her driveway. I noticed the street had more cars than normal, but I didn’t think anything of it. I wasted no time getting out of my car to her front door, ringing the doorbell.
Pretty routine… until my mother opened the door and I heard a loud “SURPRISE” coming from people inside. I was frozen in shock when I saw that there was a celebration for me with balloons, banners and the whole nine yards.
“What are you waiting for? Come in…”
I still didn’t know what to say as I walked in and I saw my High Stakes victory playing on my mother’s television screen. Christy and Ally were quick to join me and they were quite happy.
“It’s a celebration…” Ally said!
“Of YOU!” Christy added
I merely rolled my eyes at this catching them off guard.
“I HAD a celebration yesterday in the ring, you know…” I reminded them.
“You did… but it got interrupted and I wasn’t very happy with that…” my mother said. “For everything you’ve done in SCW so far, you deserve your moment, your celebration, without anyone interrupting you…”
I wasn’t feeling all too comfortable with this but I didn’t have time to think on it when the ‘other familiar faces’ approached to greet me, starting with a woman just a bit older than my mother.
“Oh Julianna… how precious! You adorable thing!”
“Hi to you, aunt Justine…” I said, rolling my eyes at my mother’s sister.
“When are you going to find a good man, Julianna?” my aunt asked me. “I know you got experimental with a woman once and it ended badly…”
“Can it, Justine…” my mother said, cutting in before I could get pissed off.
“She’s not getting any younger, Elise…” my aunt says as she leaves.
“Neither are YOU…” my mother quips back. “Julianna, I’m sorry…”
“She was always the crazy aunt…” I said, still feeling uncomfortable about the whole thing. I greeted a few old classmates of mine from my wrestling school days that were invited afterward and even an old friend from high school: pale, broody and still as gothic chic looking as I can remember…
“Missed you at our 10 year high school reunion…” she told me.
“No you didn’t, Brandi…” said to my old friend. “You forgot I existed after graduation.”
“We can let all of that go, right? I mean you’re a success story! That’s something to be happy about!”
“Yeah… sure. We’ll talk later, I guess.”
“GREAT! And congrats on ALL of your success with your dream! I really mean that! What you’re doing is incredible!”
I didn’t feel too much joy in my heart… at least not until Brandi walked away from me. My mother was already noticing that I wasn’t into the whole thing.
“Julianna, I understand you inherited your father’s demeanor when it comes to celebrating yourself, but you have to at least try to be cheerful.”
“I don’t know mother, this feels so tacky.”
“Do you feel like you’re not worthy of something like this? You looked quite comfortable before that idiot interrupted you.”
“Alexandra is not an idiot.” I quipped.
“But for her to disrespect you like that…”
I sighed and started to feel angry at this point but that anger was interrupted by a particular guy that I was very familiar with from my wrestling school time. Unlike the others, I could actually feel SOMEWHAT happy seeing him.
“LIAM? Oh my god, it’s been forever!”
“Julianna!!!! Holy shit, Christmas 2016 right?”
“YEAH! Just before I got signed and went mainstream for the first time. How’ve you been?”
“Well, wrestling didn’t work out great for me but I’m doing better now. I obviously don’t need to ask how you’re doing. I knew everyone back then was full of crap when people in that school were saying that you were only doing well because your dad was the head trainer. From the moment I saw you, I knew you had it in you to do the special things you’ve done in your career.”
“Thanks…” I said, completely off guard. “I try…”
“Julianna…” my mother says with increasing frustration. “We’re trying to be happy for you but it’s really hard when you are hardly happy for yourself.”
“Mom, really? In front of my friends? How old do you think I am? 16?”
“You’ve been acting like it since you’ve been here. I went out of my way to do this for you after yesterday when you got your moment stepped on and if I were you, I would’ve beaten the hell out of her for disrespecting me like that. At least in my day, that’s what most wrestlers would’ve done.”
“You know what mother… I don’t want to hear it. I’m really not in the mood to celebrate and I’m sure not in the mood to be lectured. SORRY I got caught off guard and don’t know how to feel about this. Did you think that maybe I didn’t WANT something like this? Forget it, don’t answer. I want to be left alone…”
“Julianna…”
I didn’t give my mother a chance to say another word before I bolted down the hallway and into what used to be the bedroom I grew up in. I slammed the door shut and locked the door and I was even puzzled at myself at the fact that I walked in here instead of just getting in my car and leaving. Sighing, I went to my old dresser with a mirror on it. I looked at myself for a second before I glanced at pictures of my early mainstream career from 2017 and 2018. I was feeling even more glum when I looked at my own reflection and started talking to it.
“You don’t feel like you even deserve this celebration do you?”
Something on the dresser caught my eye however: a page out of an old diary of mine where I had written something back in early May of 2018. I read a few words and my eyes widened.
“Oh crap, this was after I lost a match to… oh god, what was her name again? EXACTLY! This was when I lost a match to a complete NOBODY that was wrestling in her first mainstream match ever. What was her name again? Cheyenne something?”
It was hard to read that page out of my old diary because what I was reading was me calling myself derogatory, self-abusive terms and referring myself as “worthless”, as “someone that should retire immediately”, as someone that will “always prove Dad right” and most harshly “a stupid, useless, garbage excuse of a wrestler that is a living, breathing abortion and is probably the worst professional wrestler alive.”
My hands were shaking. I remember writing that letter to myself prior to that defense against Bella and that’s when I realized it was a pattern.
“Was my mother right out there?” I asked with a sigh. Suddenly, I was reflecting on so many things. I began to realize that perhaps my mother had a point both tonight and prior to my defense against Bella. I was remembering therapy sessions with Dr. Montgomery from years ago where he said that I had a tendency to be a perfectionist.
“I’ve always been so hard on myself…” I admitted in my mind. “Even with all the success that I gain, it never feels like it’s enough. I still feel like I need to prove something. I mean look at me! I did some amazing things when I signed with SCW, my mother wants to be happy for me and throw a celebration for me. She goes the whole nine yards including getting people I haven’t seen in years to come by, and my thanks to her is being alone and not enjoying my success?”
I took a sigh before I continued to think further…
“Oh right, Dad always drilled it in my head that enjoying your success too much was a sign of weakness for a wrestler. His whole mantra was celebrate what you earned, go to bed, wake up the next day, and just keep going… like nothing happened…”
I glanced at the diary entry I wrote back in May of 2018. I still had a few sentences left. The remaining sentences were largely cringeworthy… your typical 23 year old angst of someone who wasn’t even close to grown up just yet and a reminder of why I largely hate my younger self as far as this business is concerned. But the last bit spooked me to the point where tears were suddenly streaming down my face…
“If I can’t beat someone in their FIRST MAINSTREAM MATCH EVER… then maybe I’m nothing… maybe I’m always going to be nothing… maybe I am meant to be a joke in professional wrestling…
I’m horrible…
I’m weak…
I’m nothing but a failure…
And honestly, I just want to go to bed and say ‘please God, don’t let me wake up tomorrow…’
That last sentence especially… was a tear jerker for me. I went from being angry at my younger self for being ‘weak’ to straight up feeling sorry for her.
“I need to stop being so hard on myself…” I said through my own tears. “I can’t keep basing my happiness and how I feel about myself over stupid, irrelevant nonsense that happened five or six years ago. What should I tell her, honestly? If I could go back in time and talk to her, what would I tell her about the future? Because this old diary thing… it was a cry for help when I wrote this… it really was. To go from that rock bottom that I was in, where I felt like I was better off not waking up the next morning all over a loss to a greenhorn I should’ve beaten, to where I am today? I don’t know… maybe that IS something worth celebrating…”
Before I could think any further on the past, I was interrupted by a knock on the door. I let out an angry sigh thinking it was my mother likely annoying me but…
“Julianna?” I heard the voice of Liam, my old wrestling school friend, from the outside. “Is everything okay in there?”
I dried my eyes as quickly as I could and actually tore up the diary entry, which did make me feel a little better. I walked toward the door to open it and he looked concerned right away.
“Have you been crying?” he asked me.
“What? Me?” I said with a nervous laughter. “NO. It’s allergies…”
“Allergies…”
“I haven’t been in this room so long so clearly all the dust bunnies are out and about now that I’ve walked in here for the first time in way too long.”
“Right. Do you mind if I come in for a second?”
“Fine…” I said as I opened the door to let him in. We both sat next to each other at the edge of my bed. “I’m sorry about out there. I had a moment and… it’s dumb, honestly. I just didn’t feel like I was worthy of being celebrated…”
“Julianna, are you kidding me?” Liam asked, obviously perplexed. “You’re on a streak of dominance unlike anything SCW has seen in a while. You’re a world champion over there for god’s sake and you won it on their grandest stage in just your sixth match in the company. How is that not celebration worthy?”
“It’s just not, okay? If it was, maybe it wouldn’t have gotten interrupted.”
“That did bug you a bit, didn’t it?” Liam asked with a laugh. “I don’t think one thing has anything to do with the other. Alexandra didn’t interrupt you because you’re not celebration worthy. I’ve watched your SCW run from day one. I understand. You’re used to other people in that division treating you like crap and calling you names and throwing low hanging fruit at you.”
“Yeah, you’re right about that.” I admitted. “Oh you’re a NOBODY, Julianna…. Oh you don’t DESERVE the title shot… oh Julianna, NOBODY CARES about you…”
I continued on my tangent with my voice having an increasingly mocking tone of my critics.
“Oh Julianna… they did that tournament to make people CARE about you. Oh the world title is held by ‘whatshername’. Oh Julianna is a fraud champion this… oh Julianna is a fluke that… UGH… I mostly let that shit roll off my back but after a while… it REALLY starts to annoy you. That’s the type of nonsense I deal with ALL the time and that’s not even including the time my predecessor as champion tried to undercut me by getting an instant rematch against me two weeks after I beat her for the title I have now. I know I’ve made it look easy, Liam… but the truth is? It’s not even close to that. I know that this is what it’s like to be on top. This isn’t my first rodeo with that. But my goodness, I haven’t met a bunch of bitches this catty since… god maybe ever!”
Liam laughs at this rather than get annoyed with me.
“You put up with plenty, I’ll give you that.” he tells me. “You take too much in my book. I understand that it comes with the territory. Nobody likes to be referred to as ‘a nobody’. Nobody in your position would like to be on the receiving end of a bunch of white noise. But you and I both know that noise is all it really is. People say those things about you because that’s all they got. You’ve really got a bunch of women there that don’t carry the passion that you do. If they carried the passion that they claim they do, they’d actually know what you’re all about. But instead, they just throw these phony phrases at you like ‘nobody’ and say that ‘nobody cares about you’ because they have nothing else. You overcome that nonsense week after week and it’s child’s play compared to what your dad used to put you through.”
“Yeah…” I admitted with a smile. “You got that right. That being said, I just wanted to make it clear that what those idiot bitches have to say about me isn’t necessarily what had weighed me down. I guess being a little tired of hearing the same old shit and just not saying it did. I should be kinder to myself…”
“Your mother was just telling me that out there…”
“Of course she was…” I said with a more playful eye roll. “But she’s not wrong. I’m used to being crapped on for every little thing… which on one hand is good because all the shit those bitches have to say normally goes in one ear and out the other… but then that’s also a bad thing because it makes me ashamed of who I once was.”
“You shouldn’t be, Julianna. Never. You should celebrate who you are and what you’ve overcome to get to where you’re at today. I remember training with you and you being so harsh on yourself and I hated seeing that because you’ve always been so damn good at what you do.”
“Really?”
“I mean every word of it.”
I sigh at this point, more relieved than anything.
“I’m going to make every effort to be kinder to myself… especially the person that I was in 2018. That starts now. Let’s get back to the celebration.”
Liam was happy to hear that and we both left the room together. I did, in fact, continue on with the celebration and I managed to turn around my own vibe. But, as I enjoyed myself that night, I still couldn’t help but think about that ‘rock bottom’ diary entry from years ago that I tore up. It was still bothering me a little that I was THAT hard on myself.
I knew that when I woke up the next morning, my journey was no longer about JUST retaining the title, it was about reconciling my self-esteem and proving to myself that I’m as strong as I’ve shown in my SCW career so far…
January 12
“This has to be some kind of joke, right?”
I couldn’t help but scoff as the camera came in front of me. I was in front of a “Things That Didn’t Age Well” chalkboard with some old Bea Barnhart quotes written on it.
“My first match of 2024, my first title defense of the new year, my fourth world title defense overall, and in all likelihood my 10th win… is BEA BARNHART? Look, Alexandra Calaway coming out and interrupting my celebration is one thing. She wanted to come out and challenge me for my title. FINE! But Bea Barnhart? The one Bombshell on this roster that has never actually earned a title shot of any sort is getting a shot at this? Are you kidding me? I’m a fighting champion and I am not going to back down from any sort of challenge. In fact, I’m not even worried about the stupid Golden Briefcase thing because I know that in any circumstance, Georgie Robinson isn’t good enough to beat me, but Bea Barnhart? WOW! A lesser champion than me would take that as an insult, but all I can do is beat her again. Look, there’s not TOO much that can be said about you Bea.
After all, I am certain that since our last encounter, in which I beat you quite handily by the way, you haven’t evolved a bit. The previous time that I faced you, I pretty much broke down why you are stuck where you were at then and STILL stuck at where you are now. I’d be repeating myself if I did that again so I’m not going to do that. I know that you beat some newcomer at December 2 Dismember and everything, but that doesn’t make you title shot worthy. You’re literally THE Bombshell on this roster that is never going to break the ceiling. I mean, it’s evidenced by the fact that you recently had a Roulette title shot against Georgie and against Alexandria prior to her losing the title to Bobbie Dahl and you failed to attain that. It’s mostly evidenced by the fact that you never learn a damn thing. But you know what, Bea? I want to be nice. I want to celebrate you a little bit…
I mean, it takes a very UNREAL level of STUPID to be you…
I want to celebrate the fact that you could very well be the most Neanderthal, the most stupid bitch that this company has ever employed. Because right behind me, as you can see, are some quotes that you said about me prior to our last encounter that have aged SO BADLY that the stink from all of that cheese is enough to… you know what, if I finish that joke, I will have equalled a Bea Barnhart promo. I’m going to stay above that. But, to celebrate your unreal level of STUPID… let’s break down some of the things that you said about me:
“Destroy Julianna…” HA
You said that you were going to soundly beat me… which you didn’t and when I tapped you out that night, that immediately aged like milk.
I think you even called me a ‘failure’ at some point which I have written down on the board as well.
Yeah, a FAILURE that became the Sin City Wrestling Bombshells World Champion… at HIGH STAKES no less.
“You got lucky…” you once said, when I beat Roxi. Hey idiot, tell me if being an undefeated World Champion is lucky.
“You’re self-destructing…” you said as I was three and zero at the time and showing obviously no signs of slowing down and barely any signs of weakness.
You get the point… or you SHOULD get the point, but considering what I have been saying about how you are probably the dumbest Bombshell in the history of Sin City Wrestling, I don’t think you ever WILL get the point. But see, your stupidity and all of the stupid things that you said about me going into our own match, most of which you pulled out of thin air or out of your ass, it’s not ALL worthless when it comes to this match that we have here this weekend. I have a reason why I highlighted the stupid things you said about me and that reason is that what YOU said going into our last match is a MICROCOSM of what I’ve been talking about with this division. You see Bea, most of the opponents that I’ve faced so far in my career in SCW have been treating me that way. You were trying to treat me like I was nothing which is rich coming from you, and ever since I’ve faced you? I’ve been dealing with people trying to pull things out of their ass against me… over and over and over…
Granted, my last challenger and my next challenger are looking like exceptions to the rule…
But even then…
You’ve got a champion that I dethroned that spent weeks sucking wind and trying to cram down the throats of everyone that was willing to listen that I was a nobody that didn’t deserve the High Stakes World Championship match that I got which is HARDLY different from what YOU said about me going into our last match…
You’ve got people that I had yet to wrestle in this company throwing shade at me calling me a fraud champion all because they were whiny and bitter about the fact that I beat her friend for the belt… which… HA… laughable! Hey, if I’m a ‘fraud’ then what does that make everyone that’s lost to the fraud, right? Are you that stupid and that predictable that I should start taking bets on whether or not you are going to either say something similar to this? Or how about taking bets as to whether you are going to call my win over you a fluke?
You’re that damn predictable Bea, and you know? The sad thing is? You’re also a microcosm of something else…
You’re a microcosm of who I used to be when I first went mainstream. The old Julianna when she was this 22, 23 year old hotshot? Yeah, I admit, I used to act a lot like you. I used to troll so damn much. I used to say things that would make people want to beat my ass. I used to do what YOU always do and that’s make things up out of thin air. I used to be more focused on being a social media presence and antagonizing people and never growing and learning anything because I was stupid as fuck, just like you are now, and feeling like I had everything all figured out even though I was hurting inside every single day. Hell, I am going to feel disgusted saying this Bea, but many years ago when I first started out? I basically WAS you: a glorified troll that refuses to evolve and refuses to grow the fuck up to the point where NOBODY takes her seriously.
With me, it was personal demons and I was able to face those, overcome those, evolve, grow up and then mature into the wrestler that I am today. What’s your excuse, Bea? Hell, what’s your malfunction? You’re more than four and a half years older than me, but match after match, promo after promo, you’re acting like a damn child… you know… like ME when I first started out. Your lack of ability to evolve and to grow past what you are shows me that you don’t value yourself as a wrestler and you definitely don’t value yourself as a person. You just don’t CARE enough to do anything different and I think it’s because deep down, though you’ll never admit it because you prefer to hide behind your ‘comedy’ that is never funny, you know you’re never going to amount to anything beyond what you are. You figure that you’re never going to be a world champion and that you’re never going to be taken seriously by anyone else, so instead of trying to grow up and BE SOMEONE, you just stay stuck doing the same old shtick.
You refuse to even TRY because you’re a COWARD, Bea.
You’re afraid to take any real risks. You’re afraid to evolve.
You’re afraid to leave your comfort zone so rather than take the risk and maybe BE someone for a change, you’d rather stay in it, accept your current reality and do the same old thing over and over and over. I THINK I may have even mentioned something about how you’re the literal “Groundhog Day” of this division too, if I’m not mistaken and that’s the way it’s always going to be. I’m dead serious Bea…
I look at you…
And what I see?
I take a pause before I let out an angry sigh.
“I see the woman I would’ve turned into if I never grew up. I see what my destiny would’ve been as a wrestler and thank god I had it in me to turn the ship around a few years back as I built my way up the ranks of this business. Thank goodness I had the strength to face my own demons and to fight back against them and that’s a fight that I can honestly say still isn’t over because all it takes is one slip up and I’m back on the wrong path again. Well I am NOT going to let THAT happen, Bea! I know that to avoid such a fate, I have to retain this championship against you and that’s something that I AM going to do . I’ve come way too far over my career, building myself up from the bottom, avoiding the CRUEL fate of turning into someone like YOU in the wrestling business, and everything in between to get to this championship that I have today, to lose it all because of someone like YOU! I became the pride of San Diego with what I’ve done in this company while all YOU seem to do is prove why the Philippines should’ve stayed a United States territory because my god, if you’re a microcosm of that country, then that country is too fucking moronic to be independent…
I managed to find a way to reconcile everything to become a better version of myself because I faced my problems and I fixed my problems while you, Bea, are the most delusional bitch in the company, living in denial and not even ACKNOWLEDGING your own problems let alone facing them. But hey, if you’re truly happy being the clown queen of this company, then be my guest. It won’t make a difference to me whether you’re a clown or whether you finally put your big girl pants on and grow the hell up because ultimately? I am going to beat you again. I’ll move forward. I’ll deal with Alexandra Calaway and whether she or anyone else likes it or not, I’m going to continue to grow. I’m going to continue to be the new standard bearer of this division. I’m going to continue to push myself any way I can to be better than the next day and the next match. I’m going to continue to learn how to be grateful for myself and everything that I’ve faced and overcome to be the champion and the much stronger person that I am today than I was six years ago.
THAT, I feel, is something worth celebrating…
Beating you on Sunday? Well, it’s YOU…
I wouldn’t necessarily celebrate beating you because you’re barely worth celebrating over to be honest.
But the rewards of winning the match?
You know… remaining the world champion…
Getting four championship defenses?
My last FIVE matches in this company being a world title match with every single one of them being wins?
Going a clean 10 and zero which is almost unheard of in SCW?
THAT, Bea, is something worth celebrating.
When I beat you again, Bea? It’ll be a message… an EXAMPLE… to the rest of the roster that contrary to what they think… or in some cases, contrary to what people want…
I’m not going anywhere anytime soon…
And I’m definitely not planning on losing this title soon… especially to someone like YOU!
Come Sunday?
I’m silencing all the empty words and petty hate yet again and showing exactly why I AM the fucking head of the class around here!
I chuckled a bit, largely because I was impressed that I was able to find much to say about “Boring” Bea Barnhart. Needless to say, I was feeling pretty good about Sunday and reaching that vaunted 10-0 mark as I shut off the camera and went about my cold, chilly Colorado evening…
