“Last night I dreamt I was at my funeral again.” Ken says stoically to no one in particular. Sitting in the middle of the room, in one of the fifteen or so chairs placed nonchalantly in a shape vaguely resembling a circle. Unbeknownst to his friends, his family, his peers, Ken Davison has been going to a support group to try and manage his anxiety. The fact that he is going to be a father is weighing heavily on his heart. Given the fact that his first child would be twenty five years old, no one could blame him if they did know about these meetings. To Ken, it was a sign of weakness. It wasn’t so much that he was getting help. Rather, it was the fact that he felt he needed help. “I don’t know why. Ever since I found out my wife is pregnant, I’ve been scared. Living in fear.”
Ken doesn’t look around the room for a reaction. That’s not what this is about. This is his confessional. There is no Holy Spirit here to cleanse his mind of his own perceived transgressions. There were only people who were as damaged as he was, perhaps even moreso. These were his people.
“In my life, I’ve done unspeakable things in the name of love. At least, I thought it was love. Right now I have everything, literally everything, that I have ever wanted out of life and it’s made me realize that I’m scared that I will lose it. I’m scared that I don’t deserve it. My wife and I have been through so much, I know she loves me unconditionally. Yet I still think that I’m not good enough for her because of what I’ve done in the past.”
“What do you think that represents?” Greg, the counselor running the group, queries.
“That I’m going to die, obviously.”
Greg can only shake his head. He does, however, manage to stifle his laugh without anyone noticing.
“Why would you think that?”
“Because God hates me and just wants to fuck me over,” Ken says slapping his hands audibly on his knees. “I don’t know. I just know that I can’t handle the thought of anything happening to my wife and kid so I guess I imagine that something is going fuck this up and that it’s going to end up hurting me.”
Greg points over to a woman, somewhere in her mid-thirties, who has her hand raised. She’s got a bit of a Stevie Nicks vibe, wearing a black flowing dress, black rimmed hat and, of course, a black shawl over her shoulders.
“Yes, Ophelia.”
“So, like, when you dream of your own funeral, there’s a spiritualism to that, man. Sometimes, it can mean you need to make some changes to your life. But it usually means that it’s the end of one chapter of your life and the start of another. I mean, you’re about to become the patron of a tiny, sweet, soft, innocent, cute, giggly, precious bundle of joy. That’s the start of something beautiful.”
Ophelia stops and scrunches her nose.
“But if you're dreaming of being buried in a coffin, that means you feel trapped.”
“That’s the polar opposite of helpful. You know that?”
Greg puts his hand up, stopping Ken in his tracks.
“Hold on. She’s actually onto something, on both counts. Is your wife’s pregnancy giving you the feeling that you’re trapped? It’s a very common thing, you know.”
“No! I’ve been waiting for this my entire life.”
“I’m telling you, you’re scared of this next chapter of your life, Ken. Who wouldn’t be? It’s, like, a whole new world.”
“This is… This is… It’s different,” Ken stammers. “I’ve been having this dream for years, twenty five fucking years. Okay? The difference is now it’s me in the box instead of Crys…”
Ken stops dead in his tracks. Are these REALLY his people? Can he trust them with this?
“My finance was killed by a drunk driver. She was pregnant when she died. For twenty five years I’ve dreamed of her in that box and now, the past few months, ever since I found out my wife is knocked up, it’s me in that fucking box. I suppose your hippie mumbo jumbo bullshit can explain that, Ophelia.”
Ophelia is completely unphased by Ken’s outburst, looking through the window at the snow beginning to fall in the illumination of the streetlight outside. She waits for Ken to finish before returning her attention to him.
“Yeah, my dude. I can explain that. You loved your fiance, having her taken away by death's cruel embrace never changed that. When going to the funeral of someone who is already dead in your sleep symbolizes that you’re still grieving their loss and that you’re not able to move on. So, it symbolizes your own feelings of guilt or regret in regard to that person. How would you have stopped her death? That’s such a burden to carry for as long as you have.”
“So what you’re telling me is that I’m feeling trapped because my wife is pregnant? Is that what we’re going with?”
Greg gives Ken a reassuring smile.
“Actually, I think you are being trapped by fear. You keep looking for things that could go wrong, whether or not they actually could. You feel like you no longer care about anything else except protecting your life and kid. And perhaps, you even feel like a prisoner in your own life. Right?”
“In some ways, I guess. But I’ve always wanted to protect my family.”
“Yes, but that feeling was never connected to feelings of loss. When you have something to relate your fears to, you feel like you are stuck. It’s completely normal. The good news is that it’s temporary. Like a kidney stone, this too shall pass.”
“When? Seven months from now after she gives birth?”
“So let’s dive in if you want to get unstuck. Usually, the reason we get stuck is because we hold on to some previous ideas we had, just like you are. What you need to do is get moving, make small changes. Think about the world and how different it is. You can’t keep your wife prisoner and you can’t keep her encased in bubble wrap. What can you do?”
“I mean, we have these apps on our phones that we can see where we are. We can always call each other. But I don’t want her going out alone, especially at night.”
“You are a professional wrestler. You travel around the country, sometimes around the world. What you can do is talk to your wife and let her know your concerns. In your line of work you need to focus on what you are doing in the moment or you can get hurt. Talk to your wife, and I am saying that again, because that is the best advice I have.”
Greg looks down at his watch.
“It looks like that’s all the time we have for tonight.” The group stands up and begins folding up their chairs, with the exception of Ken himself. Greg stops and clasps his hand on Ken’s shoulder. “I think that you and I need to schedule an individual session. Call my secretary tomorrow, please.”
“Sure, I’ll do that.”
Greg continues towards the back of the room to put his chair back where it belongs. Ken stands up and walks out, making it as far as the second step in the front of the building before practically collapsing on the cold concrete. He pulls out his phone and quickly dials the phone. It barely rings before Kyra answers.
“Hey, babe… I love you.”
“What do you want?” Kyra responds jokingly.
“You. I’ll talk to you when I get home,” he says with tears rolling down his cheeks.
The tenor of Mrs. Davison’s voice changes.
“What’s wrong? Don’t try to bullshit me, either. I can hear it.”
“I’ll explain when I get home. I just… I’m feeling things right now. I’ll hit Starbucks on the way home and bring you a coffee. You want anything else?”
“We’ve got DoorDash on the way. We’re good.”
There is an awkward pause in the air for just a moment.
“Are you sure you’re good?”
“I will be. I just wanted to let you know in case anything happens, that you are sun. My world revolves around you. You’re the light in my life and I’d be lost without you.”
“Don’t be stupid. Take your time and collect yourself. Skip the coffee and get your ass home. Understand?”
“Sure thing, mama. Love you.”
“I love you, too. Be careful.”
“I will.”
Ken hangs up the phone and stands up, holding onto the railing to support his weakened knees as he meanders the rest of the way down the stairs to get to his car.
______________________
“The world is full of people who tolerate Jack Michaels. The reason I mention his name is because he was the last man that stood across the ring from me who claimed to be a quote unquote icon. He was a man who thought himself a leader and deserved to be revered as an icon because of it. The man even led a stable known as “Paragon” and I believe the irony of that was lost on his pompous ass. The reason I mention him is because I see the parallels between of two of you. Even moreso, I see the parallels between you and I.”
“Much like yourself, I returned after a fairly prolonged absence in the sport. When I came back I didn't come in with a whimper the way you did. I returned with a roar. During an outdoor event, I walked into a wrestling ring that was located in the middle of a parking lot in downtown Baltimore, Maryland. I didn't wait until I was booked for a match. I didn't wait for some grand announcement to be made. I marched through that crowd, announcing my presence by having my theme music played through a boombox. I hopped that barricade. I strode into that ring and I announced to the world that The GKD, “Godly” Ken Davison had returned. I did so with a sense of swagger that a man of your stature would still look at, jaw agape, and stand in total awe of. I returned 8 months after having a Widowmaker heart attack. I sat in the middle of the ring and I told the world that no man, woman, or child could keep me down. God himself tried to smite me and couldn't finish the job. I stared death himself in the face and I laughed. That moment, that was the exact moment that I realized that I was a leader in this industry. That is why I surround myself with men like your future opponent, Mac motherfucking Bane. Right now, you shouldn't even be worrying about Mac Bane. You should be worrying about if you will even make it to Mac Bane.”
“The men and women that comprise the Saviors, not just at the present moment, but those who have come before, we are all leaders. We have all put in our blood, sweat, and tears, not just in the Sin City Wrestling ring, but throughout this entire industry. I'm going to explain this in a way that it was explained to me. I don't know if it will make sense to you, because you're so full of shit you've got brown eyes. You are so full of yourself, that I doubt you have room for food. Your arrogance assures me that you won't hear a word I have to say because you don't want to listen. You think you know it all. I understand that. I’m going to give this a go anyway, because I want you to understand who the hell I am.”
“All the way back in 1994, when I first began training for a career in the wrestling business, I had a trainer who was explaining what it meant to be a locker room leader. The way he explained it to me was to ask me if I loved my girlfriend. It was an odd question given my surroundings, but I answered him honestly and I told him yes. Then he told me to prove it. He asked me to give him a number. So I'm sitting there trying to figure out what he's getting at and before I can answer he continued. He says to me “ When you met your girlfriend, you didn't love her. Now you love her. Tell me the day that love happened.” I couldn't tell him. there was no magical number. There was no set date. I didn't know. He asked me an impossible question. He explained “It's not that it doesn't exist, it's that it's easier to prove over a period of time.” Leadership is the same thing. It's about transitions. I'm going to pause a moment to allow that to sink in. Leadership is about transitions.”
“Another way that I could explain it, one that might make more sense to you since I'm pretty sure your girlfriend inflates, is take the gym for example.When you go to the gym and you work out, You finish your routine and then you go to the mirror and what change do you see? nothing. absolutely nothing. You go to the gym the next day, repeat the process. I want you to tell me what you see, what is the change after two days? Nothing. There's no results. So, most people at this point, quit.”
“However, if you believe in yourself and you believe in process, like a relationship, “I bought her flowers. I took her out for Valentine’s Day. I wished her a happy birthday and she doesn’t love me. Clearly, I’ll give up.” That's not how that works. In both situations if you believe in the process and you believe there is something there and you put in the work, over time you will see the results.You don't have to be perfect. you can screw up. You can skip a day at the gym. You can have that piece of chocolate cake, so long as you maintain your dedication to the regimen. No one knows the exact date they fall in love. No one knows the exact day when they look in the mirror at the gym and notice that they are getting in shape. The same goes for leadership. It's not about the events. It's not about the intensity. It's about the consistency.”
“The problem is that most people base leadership on the intensity. If we were to liken this to my career here in SCW, some would say I am a leader because I held Championship gold three times last year. For me, those are highlights, but it's the monotony that makes me a leader. It is the fact that I get up every Kendamned morning and go to the gym. It's the fact that I prepare what I am going to say before I say it. I don't just turn on the camera and decide to start rambling about something. I do each and everything with purpose. My wife didn't fall in love with me because I remembered her birthday. My wife didn't fall in love with me because I took her out on Valentine's Day. She fell in love with me because the first thing I did before I got out of bed was text her good morning. She fell in love with me because I made her my number one priority not just on those special occasions but every day. That is how leadership works. That is why I am a leader.”
“In a group with the paradigm that the Saviors have, we do not recognize any one member as our leader because we all lead by example. There is not one event that made us magically start trusting each other. It is an accumulation of lots and lots of little things, things that are insignificant on their own. They are literally like a single brick, useless on its own. but when you stack brick upon brick and create layer upon layer, you forge a foundation of trust. If you do these things just once people will look at you and tell you that that will not work and they would be 100% correct. I do these things consistently in combination with many other little things and people see my success. That success is predicated on all of those little things becoming one larger thing.”
“Max spent number of years in the service. and there's something he said to me a good many years ago that has stuck with me even after more than two decades. He served under a three-star General who told him this very same parable. The measure of a good leader is when you stop and ask a fellow soldier how they are doing and you care about the answer. if they brush you off or make excuses to try to leave, those aren't good leaders. If you ask the question, you should be sitting there and listening, actively listening to the answer. A leader will do that.”
“In business, there are colleagues and coworkers. The Saviors, we have brothers and sisters. That's how we think of each other. If you have a culture, a strong culture, you may hear people say things. “It's like a family.” Not us. It is a family. Brothers and sisters. It's a deep love. We fight amongst ourselves, but the love doesn't go away. We bicker. The love doesn't go away. And I'll fight with my sister, but if you threaten my sister you’re going to have to deal with me. We will fight internally. We'll argue with one another. But nobody is going to hurt each other. If anything from the outside shows up, you're looking at a united front. Now, ask yourself, how do you create brothers and sisters out of strangers? You do it by being yourself, by being honest, day in and day out.”
“The reason why I am telling you all of this is because I know the type of man you are because that's the type of man I was. I don't have to come down to the ring, take a microphone, and tear you down. I see your resume. I know your credentials. I know what you are capable of. That brings me back to the parable of Jack Michaels. You and he are very much the same person. you think because of the things you've done before that you're something special. You think because you're giving a world title opportunity right out the gate, that you're deserving. You are not deserving. I see that with no slight and no malice. When I signed with this company I started at the bottom and I climbed to the ladder by putting in the work weekend and week out. If I wasn't on television, I was in the locker room supporting my family. Over the summer I was flying back and forth between India and Chicago to work two shows in two days for two companies because I would not let my family down. That is who I am as a person.”
“I will acknowledge how good you are. you're a damned fine talent. I'm not going to walk into this match and underestimate you. What I am going to do, is I am going to warn you. I became a leader here because I'm not afraid to lose. I became a leader here because I give everything of myself each and every match. Win, lose, or draw, I can walk back into that locker room, look in the mirror, and feel a sense of pride. This match probably feels like a warm-up for you. For me, This match is where I once again show everyone in the stands, watching at home, Backstage in the locker room.. I am going to show them once again that “Godly” Ken Davison is the epitome of what they want to be. I am going to be the man who walks into this match with a chip on his shoulder. They rolled the red carpet out for you, which is probably a good thing. At least the bloodstains won’t be so obvious.”
