Was I the bad guy? It's been those words running through my head constantly since my slight falling out with HB Carter.
I tried to help, my intentions were good, my heart was pure in this situation, I had nothing to really gain from stepping in, other then trying to keep another human being safe. It's something any decent person would do. It's something anyone with a heart would try to do and that's what I tried but it's been rattling around this dome of mine that I was a bad guy for trying.
I have never questioned the Saint Ben nickname given to me years ago, at times I thought it fit pretty well because I did go above and beyond what most would do to help people, bloody hell, I still do go above and beyond to help people, but I've never felt less of a Saint then I have done over the past couple of weeks. I've tortured myself something chronic over this.
Maybe it wasn't my place to say anything but Carter is a good kid, a bit naive at times and not seeing the world through experienced eyes, but at times, and especially days like this, you have to ask yourself if you did the right thing. At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing at least. There was a young man who was clearly hurting, clearly needed someone to open up to, someone to help fix whatever was going on in his life and I thought I was the one to help.
Maybe it's just me, maybe it's my nature to be good, or maybe it's my nature to put my nose in where it clearly isn't wanted. It's made me more conflicted now then I've ever been in my life. I don't know if I was right or wrong, I don't know if I should have just said to hell with it and kept walking but I guess that's something that's not in my nature.
Either way, the mess that was in front of me was started by me and only me. I tried to help and got dug out for it, and boy did he dig me out with that comment about my wife and I don't know if I deserved it because I overstepped, or if he was just lashing out because of my interference, but it stung hard and cut deep. You can't take back what ya said, but I don't even know if I can be mad at it. Without knowing it, Carter had cut down my relationship to bare bones, but it felt more personal then me being a guy that just wanted to help him.
And here I am now finding myself in a match with him. I don't know if I'm gonna go get in that ring and go full pelt for that comment, or if I should just remain calm. I do know one thing though, I need to get that thought out of my head about being a bad guy, cause if I don't, it's gonna set my mental health back a long, long way by over thinking. I need to speak to someone I've known a while to try and get my mind back on the level, someone who can reassure me. I needed to call an old friend.
The sounds of a video call can be heard as I sit in a hotel room, my phone in my hand as I lay on a not so comfortable sofa. I felt nervous for some odd reason, especially as I was calling a friend of many years. It felt like forever before Jamie Dean answered his phone, but eventually he did.
"Hello my British friend..." He said before noticing the sombre look on my face. "What's wrong?"
It was hard for me to talk, I felt like the words wouldn't come out.
"I..." I mumbled out.
"I've never said this to any man." Jamie started. "But spit it out."
The worst thing is, I would guess Jamie was serious about that comment but a smile crept on to his face, when I couldn't even muster a smile.
"I think I screwed up." I said softly. "Like proper screwed up."
Jamie's face turned to a frown as he looked down the camera at me.
"I'm gonna take a shot in the dark with this." He said. "The whole thing with that Carter kid?"
I'd known Jamie for many years, he knew me back to front. We travelled the roads together in SCW, picking up tag gold, we were one hell of a team to be honest with ya. He knew what was inside my head before I did most of the time.
"Yeah." I admitted. "It's been on my mind for a couple of weeks."
"Well, tell uncle Jamie all about it." He said in a jovial tone.
I took a deep breath, mostly a stall tactic to see if I could actually find the right words to come up with what needed to be said.
"Earth to Ben." He said to snap me out of my trance.
"Sorry." I said before clearing my throat. "It's just I tried to do something good there. I saw something wasn't right and I tried to be the guy to sort it out. It wasn't like I wanted to play hero, or be a hero or be thought of as one. I genuinely wanted to help the kid. There's something going on there, something that's pretty messed up and I wanted to help him because of he needed it."
"You're a good human being." Jamie said with a nod.
"But am I though?" I questioned. "This is what's bothering me JD. Am I a good human being or am I just a guy that has to help people. Like it's something I can not stop. Maybe I need to see myself for who I am, not a great person but a guy who just can't help himself but to get involved in people's lives, with or without them wanting me to."
Jamie frowns again as he looks at me.
"It's a bit early to be drinking, don't you think?" He said with a raised eyebrow.
"Huh?" I replied.
"If you think you're not a good person, you must have been on the hooch." Jamie said seriously.
"Not today I haven't been." I said with a half smile.
"Think back Ben." Jamie said seriously. "Do you remember when we started Oasis? And the landlord wouldn't give me the time of day because of my sexuality?"
I did remember that, the close minded git.
"I do remember that." I told him.
"Remember what you did?" He asked.
"I went and made the deal, got the building and basically flipped him off." I said with a grin. "Gave him a few choice words."
"And why did you do that?" Jamie asked.
"Because he was a bigot who deserved it." I replied. "And we needed the building to get things off the ground."
"Exactly." Jamie said "Get things off the ground. Who was here checking to make sure everyone was ok when we took them in and helping them find some direction."
"That would have been me." I replied.
"And who featured them in a Christmas promo for SCW, getting them all involved, when they could have done a promo far away and not cared about these kids." He asked me.
Ah, one of my favourite promos, a Christmas Carol parody.
"I did that." I replied.
"You made their Christmas." Jamie replied. "Just by being here when you could have done something else that stopped you flying across the country to do it."
"I didn't think like that." I said with a shrug.
"And who sends money every year to keep the lights on in this place?" Jamie asked.
"I do." I replied softly.
"And you do it to keep these kids off the street and safe without them worrying about being hurt or abused." Jamie said firmly. "You do it because you're a good guy. You're not sitting on your money and giving nothing back, but you're doing it because deep down, if you could, you'd do something to make the whole world happy."
He had a way with words that I couldn't argue with at all.
"But you are overlooking one very, very important thing Ben." Jamie said seriously.
"I am?" I replied confused.
"This Carter kid, you saw something about him that you haven't realized just yet." Jamie said. "In fact something you've done so many times."
I didn't have a clue what Jamie was going on about, and all I could do was tilt my head towards the camera, to get Jamie to continue.
"You did all that stuff to help these kids here." Jamie started. "And the truth is, we've seen a lot of Carter's walk through this door. We've seen a lot of kids that could have been him, the only difference between the kids we're helping here and Carter, is Carter has a roof over his head."
It was a light bulb moment, I instantly saw what Jamie was getting at.
"So I wasn't just butting in." I said. "I was doing it because there's some strange thing where I see Carter in the kids that walked through the doors of Oasis."
"Exactly." Jamie said with a smile. "You wanted to help him, like you help everyone here because you see part of him in all the kids that we help. It's not being a bad guy at all, it's the opposite, you want to help because it's what you're good at. My guess is seeing him in bad shape, your real instincts kicked in and you just wanted to protect him like everyone here."
"So I'm not a bad person?" I said softly.
"Far from it." Jamie replied. "You're a good guy, you want to help people, that's why you wanted to be a mayor a while ago. You naturally want to help people have more, be better."
Oh yeah, mayor, wonder what ever happened to that angle?
"Thank you JD." I said sincerely. "I've been doubting myself for a while."
"Well, you should have called me sooner." Jamie said with a smile. "I don't know what it will take to get through to that kid, but someone will get through to him at some point."
Jamie was right, and he will dine out on that forever, but he set my mind at ease. I had to accept I did what I did because I do actually care about people, no matter who they are, no matter where they come from, no matter of anything.
We spent the next hour or two catching up, chatting away and talking some business. I won't bore you with the details of all of that, so let's move on, shall we.
I decided to go for a walk, clear the mind and talk to the people. I've been in Reno many times and often get lost in casinos but today was different, I decided the Truckee River Walk was the perfect place to walk, find a spot and sit down to speak to the fans. It wasn't long before I found a nice, quiet spot to sit down and talk to the camera crew I'd pulled along for the ride. I was sitting looking at the river with the camera crew just to my left. Taking a deep breath, I turn my head to the left to look at the camera.
"Alright people." I start as usual.
A few seconds of silence passes as I gather a thought or two.
"How did we get to here, eh Carter?" I started. "I mean one minute, me and Miles are trying to help you, the next thing, we're in a match to sort out differences. It's bonkers that we went from that to looking at Sunday and wondering just what is gonna happen. Now this is tough for me to talk, I ain't gonna lie, very tough for me to talk because I don't hate you. Yeah, I was upset and the temptation to spark you clean out at the point was there when you threw that insult at me. I had to fight every urge in my body not to take a proper swing. Maybe if I did, I wouldn't have been in my own head all week. I wouldn't have been wondering if I'd done the right thing for even trying to help you."
I pause for a second or two.
"That's all I was trying to do Carter." I state firmly. "Help you. I know something is off with you and I know something just ain't right, and all I wanted to do was help you. All I wanted to do was make sure you was cushdy and if you wasn't, then I coulda done something to fix that, but you like to throw a dig at me, that's fine. The problem is, is how I get to respond to that, and I gotta be honest with ya, I don't know how I will respond to that. Right now, I'm as calm as can be but when that music hits and I walk through the curtain, am I still gonna be calm? Am I gonna feel the electricity running through the crowd and let that change me? Am I gonna remember that comment of yours and have a switch inside me turn?"
I shrug
"I really don't know." I say with a serious tone. "I really don't know if something is gonna turn me in to the way I was when I had to face Kedron, I really don't know if there is a little bit of a bad guy in me that's gonna rear it's ugly head when I hear that music. I really don't know if I'm gonna have a serious amount of tunnel vision and become someone I'm not used to being. Words cut deep and people have a strange reaction to that at times, some unexpected actions come from those strange reactions and I don't know, I really don't know if there's still something dark in me, that might cause me to have some kind of PTSD flashback when I look in to your eyes. I genuinely hope I don't, but sometimes people do what you don't expect, you know what I mean?"
That wasn't a rhetorical question,
"You do know what I mean, because I reckon you played things over and over in your head constantly since that night." I say knowingly. "I reckon you calmed down and wondered what the bloody hell you've done. The way you reacted was something no one expected and I think you know that. I don't know if you really meant it, or if it was heat of the moment stuff or what, but it shows something that I never thought I'd see out of you Carter, it shows a distinct lack of respect."
I knew respect is taught properly at the gym Carter came from, The GO Gym. I know this because of my wife training there.
"There's a certain couple who trained you, that I know fairly well." I say as I look down the camera. "And I know what they're like when it comes to respect. I know what they're like when it comes to teaching even the most uncontrollable, like my good lady wife and my good mate Fenris, that respect is a given to people who have earned it. So tell me Carter, haven't I earned your respect?"
It was a valid question I thought.
"If I haven't, after Sunday, I certainly will have." I say with a firm nod. "Because I tried to help, I showed concern, you offered disrespect. Win or lose on Sunday, you will respect me afterwards."
I stand up.
"I'm gonna leave that where it is for now and knock this on the head." I say before inhaling deeply. "I will see you on Sunday Carter and you will leave that match with a whole new level of respect. So until then."
I wink at the camera.
"Laters people!"
And with that, the screen fades to black.
