Session 20: The End
It was a horrible feeling being faced with the true end of a relationship. But do you know what feeling is even worse than that? Having to relive it. Having to sit and talk about your deepest darkest secrets and how they have broken you week in and week out all leading up to this moment where you have to be so brutally honest with yourself that you can feel it welling up inside you at the back of your throat as well as the pit of your stomach. She didn’t want to do this. She didn’t want to relive this moment. She had come this far, recounting everything that she had done wrong in previous relationships and then having to face this one. The ultimate failure.
Dr Whitlow waited. As she always does. At first it was patient and understanding. One leg crossed over the other has her hands came to rest class being together on her lap.
But very slowly her patients started to wear thin. She uncrossed her legs, crossed them back over the opposite direction and gripped the arm rests of her wooden chair. Her eyebrows raised as she studied and stared at Alicia. Waiting for her to begin and say something, anything.
”Well? I think you know the next step.” Alicia swallowed hard, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath in. She held it in her lungs and opened her eyes at the same time she let it out. She stared at Dr Whitlow with a blank expression. No emotion. Nothing to show.
She gave a small nod of her head before leaning back. ”I know what you want. I’ll get there. But this shit isn’t easy.” her voice lowered into a deep growl. Her fingernails dug into the leather couch that she was laying on. She could feel her heart brace and her fever start to come to the surface. She hated this. She hated the feeling of having to relieve all of her mistakes. But this one was the most important. This one was her greatest failure. And she could not run.
[coloe=orange]”Whivh one of you ended it?”[/color]
”He did”
It was a hot summers day. The sun beat down, the children were outside running around and playing. And Alicia was sitting at her kitchen bench with a large glass of peach iced tea sitting in front of her. Her hand laying on the side of her face as her elbow propped up and hold her head in place. Her eyes trailed along the glass watching the drips of condensation poolonto the black marble.
She did not even hear Michael walk in. She was in another place and another time. Thinking about where she was going to go in her career and what she wanted to do. Thinking about her return and how it had impacted the entire company. She had a sense of pride in what she had accomplished and was ready to take the wrestling world by storm again. Michael moved towards the fridge, he pulled it open and grabbed a bottle of water before slamming the door shut and turning to look at Alicia. The door slamming snapping her out of her trance as she frowned and tilted her head looking at her husband.
”Problem dear?” She tried to say it in the nicest way possible. But unfortunately it came out with added sass and sarcasm. Michael shook his head and drank more of his water. It had been tense. Very tense. ”Ok. Let’s have it..”
Alicia gripped the glass of peach iced tea. Michael paced back and forth before finally speaking. ”I just. I hate this Ali. I hate what we’ve become. We were so close. We made decisions about our future together and now..”
Alicia stood up and interrupted ”Now what?…Now you’re trying to control me. Making decisions about my life, my career and my body? she paused shaking her head. She didn’t want this conversation.
Michael placed his hands on the marble countertop. Leaning forward with a heavy sigh. ”Its not just your life. It’s OUR life Ali. We’re a partnership. We do everything in life together.” He raised his hands slamming them down. Alicia stayed silent abs stoic. ”I don’t think you understand that…”
[cooor=hotpink]”Then maybe I shouldn’t be in a fucking relationship”[/color]
”Maybe you shouldn’t!”
Michael raised his voice. Leaning forward further. Suddenly there was silence. They stared at each other for what seemed to be in eternity, Alicia was the first to break eye contact. She looked away and grabbed her iced tea while taking a sip. The air was heavy and seemed to feel like it was bearing down upon them both.
Michael looked down, his eyes trailing across to his head. He moved it up and over his chest, sliding his hand around his ring finger pulling off his wedding ring and placing it on the marble countertop. ”You made your decision. You won’t change it.”
Alicia could feel the anger boiling. Holding the glass and drinking her iced tea was the only thing stopping her from exploding. She stared at Michael and then down to the ring and back up to him. ”Really? All these years. Everything we’ve been through. Gone because I won’t have a child with you right fucking now?”
Michael turned his nose up, his top lip curling as the total disdain and anger that he had built up manifested itself on his face. ”No…it’s because you…not we..made the decision. But it’s ok…there is no we…”
Alicia stayed silent. She could have stopped him. She could of begged, pleaded, acted like an adult. Instead she stayed there. Staring at her drink as Michael walked toward the door. He stopped for a moment and Alicias heart picked up. Maybe he was changing his mind.
”My lawyer will be in contact…”
”It sounds like you both made the decision actually.” Whitlows voice broke through, a small smile on her thin lips as the wrinkles on her face seemed deeper and more defined than before. ”You both wanted different things. While a compromise could be reached you didn’t want to give up what you had earned. No one can blame you Violet..”
She winced. Her hands clasped together on her lap as she stared at the cieling. She had never noticed before but the pain seemed to be peeling away. IThe wood beams above looked to be beaten up and old. Considering how expensive all this was and how reputable Dr Whitlow was this shocked her. But she snapped out of it, turning her head to the Doctor who, in all honesty had become like a second mother. ”I know. Believe me, in my head I know that. But my heart..it”
”It’s conflicted…”
”Yeah…” She turned away, reaching up and wiping the tears from her eyes.”I guess I…I think I could have done things differently…been a better wife…just like I should of been a better mother…”
She trailed off. Whitlow put her glasses, her pencil, her notepad all to the side and pushed up and out of her chair moving along the office to her desk. ”We all have regrets. We have all made mistakes. No one is infallible. But, it’s what we do after those mistakes, the steps we make to better ourselves that matter….even in this you bettered yourself. You were loyal to yourself. That’s what matters.”
She was right. Alicia gave a nod of acceptance as her mind flashed to every single relationship, every single man she had been with. Abuse that was physical, mental and emotional. It broke her down, it destroyed everything she was and forced her to rebuild herself into a different person. She vowed she would never be in that position again, she would never let anyone force her into being something or doing something she didn’t want to do…
Burn the witch
”Amazing isn’t it?”
She steps forward, out of the darkness into a spotlight. Her hair down, her face in her usual make up. A black streak of warpaint, cherry red lipstick, a red bandana tied up with the knot on her forehead from under her hair. Alicia chuckled and continued with her southern drawl on fuill display.
”Y’all thought I was really done. That the great Alicia Lukas had been tamed. Pushed down and away to become just like every single one of you. Just another name on the roster. And, I mean for some of you that is your position. That is where you derserve to be. Just someone who hangs about the roster. Coming out every so often, having a good match, maybe a nice little run, a lower or mid card championship, hell some of you have even been able to cast off the shackles of mediocrity for a split second and become THE champion of the division.”
“And you thought, maybe, just maybe I was like that. I had lowered myself to be in the same position as all of you when all I wanted. All I ever fucking wanted was to reach down and pull the division up to my level. I wanted this company to have the best women's division in the professional wrestling world.”
“But, that isn’t what happened..”
“Instead of pulling the entire division up, instead of all of you reaching up to my hand and letting me drag you to greatness you resisted. You stayed in your own little worlds of bullshit and laziness. And as always the cream rises to the top. Roxi came back because of ME. Lets not forget that. Your fucking hero returned because I wanted to face her. Unfortunately she brought her “mid” wife with her. Amber Ryan came in and set the new benchmark. But while those two were doing that where were the rest of you? Did any of you pull yourselves up to that level?”
She can’t help but scoff and fold her arms over her chest.
”Fact is I have been going easy on you. All of you. I beat Candy for the second time, banishing her to the land of irrelevancy once again. And then last week I faced a woman who tried to show me respect while never really unleashing that side which I asked her to. See, I wanted her to step her little greek ass into the ring and do whatever it took to beat me. To take me down and claim my scalp. To add it to a collection. And instead, she fell to her knees like so many of you have in the past and failed. But, I am not without my own shortcomings. I have failed too.”
“I failed to bring you all uyp with me and in doing so I let myself fall and start to fade into obscurity. Standing on the fringes of the division. A once great champion relegated to a supporting player here. Like Crystal, Like Mercedes and like..Sam Marlowe…”
“I let myself be thought of as a has been, as a former great. Just clinging to the past and clinging to an era where I was the best of the best. Better than Roxi, Better than Mikad. Better than everybody. I was holding on to that moment, to that championship run like it was the only thing I had left. All those titles I held in the past, all the big names that had fallen to my feet and in the end that is what I cared about. But this is now about the future. The wrestling world has always looked forward…”
“It is very much a case of “what have you done for me lately” and I can’t disagree that I haven’t been at my best. So. I changed that. New year new me right? No. I was still the same bitch as I was in 2020 and 2021. But this 2022 version of Alicia fucking Lukas is more dangerous than before.”
“Because now I’m not going to dominate for some romanticized reason to help all of you…no, now I’m doing this for ME.”
She steps forward, her leather jacket ganging down as she seems to be in the best shape she has ever been, a mid riff cut shirt showing off her abs as a pair of low caught tight black jeans wraps around her hips.
”And the queen for a day is the perfect opportunity to remind everyone of that. A match I won last year and I am the defending queen. A chance for me to take what is mine. And yes, if I win that match I will be putting myself in the ring with whomever the champion is, cause fuck you whiny fucks. But, before that I get to get in the ring with a woman who is the epitome of mediocre. A woman who once upon a time was a force in SCW. A woman who many thought should be respected and admired. But a woman who has fallen out of favor faster than Amber Heard and her movie career.”
“Samantha Marlowe. This match, well, this match on paper is really just about bragging rights before the Queen for a day match. But it’s about more than that for me Sam. See you and I have faced a few times before, with mixed results. Multi women matches where we both lost, a one on one match from almost three years ago where I beat you, we have never really been what you would call rivals. See, Mercedes Vargas tried to be my rival; and failed. Crystal did to and it took her whole family and extended family to put up a fight. But you?...”
“Youve never really tried to be on my level. And nor should you.”
“See, Sam, you are everything I am fighting not to be. While this match can halt or gain me momentum, something that you and I both know is the lifeblood of the wrestling business there is a deeper meaning in all of this. I mentioned you and some other women as a point of order here. See, I don’t want to be like you. I don’t want to fade into what you have become. Just turning up., collecting your paycheck and existing to turn up to work every few weeks to get your fill of the spotlight for one fleeting moment…”
Her voice lowers and she shakes her head taking a long deep breath.
”You see Samantha, there are some young women on this roster who have the ability to get to the same point I have. Bella Madison for one, and they could rise up to become a champion, a real champion and then it’s on them to stay at that levelk and not fall and fail to be…well..”
“You.”
“And that might be harsh, it might be something viewed as the ultimate disrespect but it’s truth that you need to desperately hear. It has been six years since you were the Bombshells champion, three years since you held your precious roulette title. One that was honestly synonymous with your name. But, as I said before, the wrestling world is very much “what have you done for me lately?” and I have to wonder and ask you Sam..”
“What have you done for me lately?”
“What have you done in this fucking world? See, I may have failed in my last few attempts to become the champion and to rise back up, but this upcoming match has reminded me that I was the queen for a day and I took the champion to the limit. In fact Amber Ryan knows that aside from Roxi I was the only other woman on this goddamn roster to take her to the deepest of fucking waters. And for all my talk of looking to the future. Well. I look at you and I just know and feel that the future has passed you by. The end of your career is alot closer to the beginning and you aren’t in your prime anymore. So tbhis match, wbhile being about bragging rights and momentum is also about pride. My pride in being able to look in the mirror and know…”
“...That I am nothing like you…”
