WARNING! If you are triggered or upset by depression, depressive or dark thoughts, please stop here and shut this down now. Although I've tried to turn things in to an inspirational tale, I really don't want to cause anyone distress of any kind. If you do feel like that, please reach out to people for help. You will be surprised who would be willing to help.
Saint Ben, King Ben, so many monikers I never gave meself, but somehow the first one, apparently I earned from being a decent enough fella and trying to make a difference to people. Maybe I did do some good stuff in my life, but lately, I've felt like I've been treading water in every aspect of my life, I don't know one day from the next half the time, my head has been a mess, I ain't been with it, I've been coasting a bit. It's not the first time this has happened but something had always snapped me out of things, always been something or someone that has gone above and beyond to get my head in the game. The last few months, it's not been there as proven by my great return, yeah, sarcasm. I'm not the only one in this situation, I know this, but I didn't know how much a quick business meeting with Jamie Dean would show me that this slump I'm in, I needed to get out of. I mean there are people worse off than I am, I know that, I got what I need in life, but saying those words out loud, the words from my past, I knew I didn't wanna get to that point again because I didn't want to feel like I needed saving again, I'd been there many times in my life, before I found something that made me happy. I didn't think when I woke up today and heading on that short trip from Las Vegas to Los Angeles for that meeting, that I would be recounting the lowest point of my life, telling it to a bunch of strangers would make me see that I needed to stop my slump and get back to who I was. I didn't want to say those words, but I wanted to hear them so I could stop them from being who I once was, just saying those words actually saved my life. Those words...
I need help.
Call it fate, call it kismet, but today I found myself in a room with people who needed to say those words. All because of a meeting.
Let me give you new lot a little history. Some years ago, former SCW superstar and a very close friend of mine Jamie Dean, set up a charity, I would fund it the best I could, Jamie would run it. It was a shelter for gay homeless teens called Oasis - please people, do not get on my case about sexuality being a factor on who to help, it's old ground, and I've questioned that myself, but is what it is. It was set up that way. Well, I needed to find time to talk to Jamie about funding, have a look at the place. Now like I said, I dunno where I am from one day to the next and with Evie tweeting about going back to Australia, to which even right now, I dunno if she was joking or if I was even invited, she won't tell me, I just get that teasing smile and a lick of the lips, but regardless, I was like an hour away, I could be there and back before she'd even packed up her shoes so I took the chance....
9am-ish Monday 7th March 2022
Oasis, Los Angeles, California
"Are you ok?" Jamie asked me.
He sat behind a solid oak desk with a computer in front of him, along with papers, pens, and other general office supplies.
"Huh?" Was all I could muster back as he brought me out of my not so dreaming day dreaming state.
"You seem off." Jamie said. "No sure you've heard a word I've said."
I was leaning on the wall in front of him. I didn't sleep well and he could probably tell from the bags under my eyes, sitting down talking about money and business would have probably put me to sleep.
"Something about a fella you met the other night?" I quipped, much to Jamie's dismay.
"Lucky guess." He said. "But what's going on? You don't seem yourself."
It was hard to admit, even to Jamie, who I had known for many years. I'm meant to be the bright sparky one, alright darling, how's ya luck? Have a drink on me, that kinda guy, but I didn't feel like it lately.
"Just in a rut, a bit of a slump." I said to Jamie.
There was a lot that had happened in my personal life in the last nine months, not something I wanted to bring to work with me, so to speak, but he knew what I meant, he knew what was going on.
"It'll get better." He reassured me. "When have you never bounced back from anything?"
"More bounce than a trampoline." I tried to reply with wit, but my tone didn't match. "This is a little different."
Jamie stood up, walking around the desk to put his hand on my shoulder.
"It's a slump." he said in a serious voice. "It's nothing more, nothing less. You have been in a worse place in your life, that's kinda why I set up this time to meet you."
I was confused at Jamie's words, but I had the feeling I was about to be dropped in to a sink or swim situation here as he opened the office door, leading in to a hall. I could hear voices on the other side, teenage voice pulling something across the wooden floor. I instantly went back to my school days, thinking about chairs scrapping across the pine boards and I wasn't wrong as Jamie called through the door.
"Hey guys, if you just take a seat in a circle, I got someone here that's gonna come and talk to you about something." He said in a commanding voice.
Someone here, there was only me there behind the door and I instantly could feel the hairs on my arms stand up, I could instantly feel my heart pound against my rib cage, I could feel the anxiety kicking in beyond levels. I really felt I was gonna pass out. The old me would have been fine, but the new me, well, he's an anxiety git that tries to play every scenario over in his mind to try and come up with every possible outcome.
"Talk about what now?" I said in a fast whisper.
"Mental health." He replied out of the side of his mouth, before raising an I'll be there in a second finger to someone.
"What's going on?" I asked as the breath in my body jumped out faster then it could fill my lungs.
Jamie stepped back inside the door, looking at me with soft eyes.
"This is a new bunch of kids." he explained. "There's a guy out there called Dan. I've had to keep a close eye on him. He's really depressed, and the rest of them have issues, they've come off the streets either beaten or worse. You might not be who you were, but you are an inspiration story, hell, right now, with you not being who you can be, you can relate to them. Be inspirational."
Jamie didn't say anything else, he just walked out of the room. I could hear his voice through the half open door, but the words were not going in to my head, none of them were making sense, it was like a form of dyslexia for hearing. All I managed to hear was my name and the nerves in my body kicked in, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I could feel the panic running through me, my shirt starting to feel closer to my back then ever before, but I heard my name again and my legs started moving before I could stop them. Before I knew it, I was in front of five people.
"Hi..." croaked from my voice box, and past my lips.
I could tell who Dan was right away. He was the only one not making eye contact with me, the other four young men seemed star struck, a reaction I have never got used to, but sadly been myself - Remember when Chris Crippler appeared in SCW? Yep, star struck. Four were looking at me like that, the one didn't. His eyes were not on me when I sat down.
"Ben's gonna talk to you about mental health, about depression today." Jamie told them. "So listen up, you might just learn something."
Ohhhhhhh damn, I had nothing as I watched Jamie step backwards and out of my vision.
"Morning everyone." I said as I turned my head at the four looking towards me with smiles. "You too Dan."
Hearing his name spun his head towards me in surprise, to which I gave him a reassuring nod.
"I'm gonna level with you all." I said as I sat down in a spare chair. "I didn't know I was gonna be doing this today and by the look on your faces, neither did you, but I do know a little about mental health issues because I've been there."
"How?" One curious voice asked. "You always seem so happy on TV. Mr Dean always has the SCW shows on and you always smile."
I had to pick my words wisely. I'd been on the other side of the table so to speak, in this situation before, I listened to people try and lift me up.
"You can hide a lot behind a smile my friend." I said making eye contact. "I have spent a life time of smiling for camera, and on television. There has been more than a few occasions where I haven't, where I've been depressed, where I felt vulnerable to everything."
Just thinking back to that time disturbed me, I knew I had to be more general rather than drag myself in to my own story.
"Depression is one of those things that can come from anywhere." I said, hitting my goal of being general. "It could come from losing a job, losing a loved one, a relationship breaking down, People change around you and you don't even know why and they don't give a monkey's about telling ya, so it could even come from the thought of friends becoming strangers for countless reasons, new relationships, new jobs, moving, but the thought of some people not in your life as they once were is enough to drive people to depression. I've gone through all of those first hand and found myself depressed and I've seen the way it came out of me."
"What did you do?" Another young male voice asked me.
I knew I had to be honest with these guys, I knew I had to be frank with them too. Probably every therapist they've spoke to has blown smoke but never been real with them.
"Well, when I was depressed." I started with a short exhale. "I turned to alcohol, big time turned to alcohol, which brought on many more problems. Falling in and out of pubs, spending money you didn't have wasn't good."
"Bullshit." Dan finally spoke up. "You're a rich guy that never had to worry about a thing."
My eyes turned towards him as he turned his head away, glancing at his beat up shoes.
"I wasn't always a rich man." I said. "In fact, I nearly wasn't here at all."
I could tell that had stuck a note with him as he side glanced me, not moving his head, stubbornly looking at his shoes. I knew I had his attention and I knew I had to shock him. I knew like most of the kids that walked through the doors of Oasis, they were not there for good reason. They've suffered mental, verbal or physical abuse.
"Let me tell you this one mate." I said shifting in my chair to look towards him. "I'm gonna try not too go too deep, but read between the lines."
I could feel my heart race because I knew I was gonna get passionate about this, I knew I was gonna choke on words, I knew there was half a chance I was gonna traumatize myself and break down.
"So when I was younger, I thought I had a great life, you know that saving for a rainy day saying?" I said before pausing for a second, glancing my eyes on the other four to see if they were listened. "I never listened to it. I was sitting there having a grand old time, spending like a drunk sailor on shore leave for the first time in a year, tomorrow was another day to enjoy life and then, just like that, it stopped, it went away. I was so angry, I was so sad, I had all these emotions fighting to be the dominant one."
I could feel all those feelings coming back to me as I was speaking. I felt sick to my stomach, I felt like everything was flooding back to the point where if this was a novel, I'd probably be weeping about now.
"But the one that jumped ahead of them all was our little enemy depression." I said with unexpected passion. "It got to the top and kept switching pole position with numbness. I became this fake geezer who smiled and made out it was all ok, while people looked at me with sympathetic eyes. Oh poor Ben, what are you gonna do now, your whole life has change. Well damn right it did, so what did Ben do?"
I stopped and looked around, five sets of eyes were on me, hanging on my every word.
"I broke." I said with a lump in my throat. "I broke and I was not the same for a long time. For nine months I put on a happy face while I was getting drunk out of my skull and hoping I wouldn't wake up the next day. People I'd known for years who could have helped me just by being there for me, just by checking in, a phone call, a text, well, they all buggered off doing god knows what with God knows who, while I sat there with a box of strong painkillers and sitting looking in the River Thames wondering how long it would take for the police to find my body. I had no reason to be here. I had no money, I had debt, I had people from the housing place chasing me to get me out of a place my family had been in for years. I sat in that house on my own not eating, not getting out of bed wondering where the people was that I needed the most. I made stupid drunk calls to random people because I couldn't bare to put up with the silence around me. I came home to silence and I wanted it filled with noise, when I'm pretty sure they looked at their phones, saw my name, thought not this tosser again and had a good old chat to everyone about me, but the silence was helping me get in the smallest house I could ever be in, one room about my height if you know what I mean."
I had them leaning forward on their chairs but I had to take a few seconds, I had to close my eyes and take a breath.
"I used to hate sleeping because the panic attacks would drive me insane, I used to hate to wake up, because I knew I was still here, but I was hoping that those who had abandoned me for being a mess would come back and save me from who I had become." I said softly. "They never did, I was on my own, I became the guy in the boozer everyone hoped wouldn't be in the night they were there. I truly hit the bottom. I was in such a bad way, I woke up throwing my guts up in a disillusioned state and waking up on stairs, because depression put me that way."
"How did you change?" Dan asked, his eyes had been locked on me for a long time.
"There's nowhere to go when you hit the bottom." I said looking at him. "Ya know, ya might not think it, but there is someone out there that thinks of you every day. Billions of people in the world but at least one see you as special enough to think of you. I'm far from good right now, far from good. That experience still gives me the occasional down day where I feel like everyone is going somewhere in their life and I'm not. There's still situations where panic attacks get me, where anxiety drags me down. How I spun it around?"
I knew it was cliche but I had to say it.
"I found someone who actually listened to those words we hate to say as men." I said looking around the group.
"What words?" Dan asked, his whole attitude seemed to change.
"I need help." I said looking at him. "Those three words to the right person can save your life. Without saying those three words to the right person, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have been a wrestler, I wouldn't have been on television or known and if I wasn't, you wouldn't be here. There would never have been an Oasis. Those three words that were hard to admit, not only saved my life, but could well have saved yours and others too. You could be saving other people's lives in the future without you knowing it right now."
I watched it all sink in to the five in front of me.
"It's not a weakness to ask for help, in fact, it's brave, it's one of the strongest things to do. It's as strong as the person who steps up to help you, and that's what you lot have Jamie for here." I said pointing in the direction of the office. "The first step to getting out of a slump is to admit you're in one, then say those words and see who's willing to step up...."
At that point, it dawned on me just why Jamie sent me out here to talk to these guys. I turned my head towards the office and watched him standing at the door, I didn't know how long he'd been there, but he got me to do what I never wanted to do and admit I'm in a slump out loud to a crowd. The story had dragged me back, forced me to fight back tears but it wasn't a word of a lie. I spent nine months of my life doing that, nine months of feeling alone, abandoned by so many and unwanted by more. I got out of a slump once...
It was time to do it again.
12.30pm Monday 7th March 2022
The Jordan's private plane - Destination unknoooown Ruby Ruby Ruby... Nah, song's already stuck in your head.
It was just a whistle stop flying visit to Oasis in Los Angeles, and it was off to that elusive place for me, parts unknown. Seriously, as the pilot where I'm off to cause I don't have a Scooby. What I did know is I had to look at a camera and talk about Lincoln Daniels, no relation to Jack. I've already mentioned my mind not being with it, so I don't know bundles about the fella, but today showed me it's time to get out this slump. I saved lives for God (or is it Ken's) sake! I needed that realisation to hit me that I'm not this waste of time no one really wants to be around, cause I have done good, it's time to get out on it and get you lovely fans interested in seeing my mush in the ring in a match with no build.
The camera I had on the plane was hardly the cutting edge of technology, but it was set up in front of me on a table, secured down enough for me to have a chat.
"Alright people!" I said with as much confidence as I could. "I kinda feel a bit reborn today, well, for now at least, I actually feel probably the best I have done in a fair while. I actually feel like I'm worth something. Yes, you heard it, Ben Jordan feels like he's worth something. I've been coasting and I've never been one to tell porkies to you good people, I've always been up front and honest with the stuff I wanna share and I'm gonna be up front with you all a bit now."
I wanted to word it right, I didn't really wanna be disrespectful.
"When I saw last week I had a match against Lincoln Daniels, I didn't really care, I honestly thought why?" I said honestly. "I really didn't get why. I mean I know I can be booked up to a couple of times a cycle as per Despayre's deal for me and I'm sure the head honchos were thinking make the most out of the limited matches per cycle on my deal, but I couldn't help but feel why mate, why? When it got cancelled, I didn't care about that too, what I did care about what any of you lot paying to see me and it all went Bristol's up, but Lincoln Daniel's was a bit sighy for me."
I'd never looked at an opponent and gone to myself I didn't wanna waste my time.
"It wasn't even the fact that I had just beaten the Internet champ barely." I admitted. "So I thought I should have faced someone a tad better, it was just that I really didn't care, but I don't wanna knock you Lincoln, cause a lot of that was on me. I should have build off that win and used that as motivation to keep going, I dropped the ball by not caring about last night, but today, I am a new man... Well, I'm not but my ideas on everything has changed."
If you woulda asked me last night to do this, this promo would have been very, very different.
"I am no longer on the meh trail, far from it, I'm actually looking forward to the match." I said firmly, drowning out the slight humming from the plane. "I feel like I'm looking at this through different eyes and I know that my focus has changed, because I now see it as not looking at the present, I'm looking at the future and if I wanna get back to who I really was, that person I haven't been in a long, long time, I need to surround myself with familiarity. Familiarity is sneaking back through in a lot of aspects. Evie wrestled last night, Sammi is in talks about a new deal coming back to SCW, Max Burke is in a top title match! Fenris is set to go to absolute war with a bloody monster. Familiarity, these things happened when I felt like me, these things all came together in a nice little basket, wrapped up in a pretty pink bow from the past, but there's one thing missing from this scenario Lincoln, just the one thing."
I had to hold up a finger to emphasize my point.
"While Evie, Sammi, Max and Fenris was all around me when I actually felt like me, do you know what I was doing?" I asked. "I was winning matches."
Mercedes pointed out my record on Twitter, surprised the hell out of me!
"It didn't matter who it was against." I said with an affirming nod. "It coulda been against Fenris, it coulda been against someone who was two weeks in and still wet behind the ears, it didn't matter, cause I was winning those matches, I was adding names to my list, I was not looking at cards, rolling my eyes and questioning anything, I just got on with things, built up a massive record that impressed the hell out of me, and make sure I worked my knackers off to be in the mind of everyone. The fans cheering me on makes the staff take notice, respect from my peers pushed me a long way so that's me looking through transplanted eyes. I will not make another mistake like that."
The words of truth was flowing from my mouth, my Cockney tone filled with determination.
"My mistake was letting me get to this point." I said honestly. "I got to the point of not caring, of letting people walk away from me, use me as convenience and my past almost came back to haunt me completely, I just almost got to the point again where I simply didn't care about life. That's not me anymore. I can't change the world, but I can change mine, I can get back to being that geezer who would have a punch up with Godzilla to entertain the people who wanted to see it. That's who I want back, that is who is coming back."
It's weird but just talking with that confidence, I was starting to feel a little like myself.
"So that being said, that brings me to Blaze of Glory X" I said with a smile. "Now ya know what kinda me is gonna be opposite you Lincoln, how are you feeling about that? See last night's me woulda been so different, he's have just been going through the motions to get things done, but me in thirteen days, oh mate he's gonna be like Superman compared to who I woulda been last night and now I feel that I owe it to myself to put on a performance of a lifetime. I feel like I need to remind the world of the real Ben Jordan, not like against Godly Ken Davison, cause I barely got past him, but I mean the Ben Jordan that dominates, the Ben Jordan that sends the fans home knowing they've seen a Ben Jordan match. Not a generic fella in trunks who they forget as soon as they walk through the curtain and heads off to the showers, a proper Ben Jordan performance. That is the bar I'm setting for myself Lincoln, that is a high bar, but that is the level I'm aiming at. We're talking Fenris level of performance, we're talking World Championship winning level of performance."
I believed me at least!
"That is how I get out of my slump Lincoln, you can consider yourself a step out of that ditch mate. You're the important step, you're the first step. They always say the first step in the most important and that's what you are." I said holding up one finger. "The big step is the first, that's you me ol' mucker, you're gonna play you're part, you're gonna play a huge part and trust me, I won't forget it at all. Now mate, you've basically got thirteen days to figure out how to stop that, how to knock me on my jacksie and keep me in my personal slump. That will make you very much remembered but the fire in me right now is enough to melt the North Pole."
Witty little lines like that, I must be feeling a little like the old me.
"Anyway you lovely lot, I feel like I've taken up enough of your time." I said with a quick thumbs up. "You have a good week and I'll probably be back to talk to you something next week."
I quickly wink at the camera.
"Laters people!"
And with that, I quickly reached over and switched the camera off, which was a good thing, cause I didn't know how long I could go on without bursting in to singing Ruby Soho!
