Author Topic: "Rediscovery"  (Read 50 times)

Online Myra Rivers

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    • Myra Rivers
"Rediscovery"
« on: September 24, 2021, 11:56:20 PM »
September 17th, 2021

After a few days in an Anchorage hospital, I was finally back in Miami. On the cab ride home from the airport, there was a feeling of guilt and of emptiness inside  and not necessarily because of the outcome of Violent Conduct.

“What has happened to me?” I thought to myself. “Why do I feel like I am so disconnected from myself? I’ve been feeling this way ever since I finally overcame my past. I managed to switch it off during Violent Conduct, but I feel like… I’ve betrayed myself…”

I paused to think for a little bit more, as my heart continued to seep in increasing guilt.

“When I first arrived in the mainstream, I wasn’t even close to being as hardcore as I’ve been in SCW. Sure, I took my career seriously but back then, I didn’t have a ‘reputation’ to live up to. I didn’t have those old burdens that I recently overcame weighing me down. I was able to turn off the wrestler and just be myself when I wasn’t inside a wrestling arena. God, I haven’t been able to turn off the wrestler ever since I came out of retirement six years ago. Have I really become so consumed in my career? Is this what is bothering me? I remember when I didn't have so many burdens on me…”

And so, I began to remember happier times…

Summer 2008

“Asia actually thought she had a chance to beat me in that ladder match two nights ago?” I said with a laugh in an Atlanta-area bar as I was celebrating with Jazmyn Rain, my best friend, and Adrianna, who I had only known for a few days up to that point. There was a championship, the WXWF Women’s Championship, on the bar table in front of me. “Some green as grass rookie? PFFFT! SURE!”

The three of us exchanged a laugh to ourselves.

“I’m SO happy for you!” Jazmyn exclaimed. “You went through so much and you finally won your first championship on the mainstream!”

“You’re DAMN RIGHT I did!” I said as Jazmyn and I tipped our glasses and took a shot of wine. Adrianna looked a bit shy having a glass of water, smiling as well. “Do you have the whole party planned back in Miami?”

“Of COURSE!” Jazmyn said with confidence. “We got the mechanical bull, the pinata, the open mic poetry contest booked, the DJ, the freestyle rap battle tournament secured…”

“Freestyle rap tournament…” Adrianna said meekly. “Mechanical bull… wow...”

“Sis, I want this huge moment for me to be celebrated in the biggest extravaganza EVER…” I said as I took another shot of wine. “It’s going to be an ALL NIGHT PARTY! Six at night all the way to six in the morning, I don’t give a FUCK!”

“Damn right!” Jazmyn said as she raised her hand. I smacked it with a high five and embraced her, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

“I love you so much Jazzy!”

“Aw! Love you too!”

“HEY, did you get the chippendales booked?”

“Are you DRUNK?” Adrianna asked me.

“Maybe… hahaha… Jazzy?”


“Yep….”

“YES!!!!!!! The whole public is invited to my house… FOR FREE… well, technically not since I’m using my dad’s credit line to pay for everything BUT…”

“He’s going to be SO mad…” Adrianna said with concern.

“Lighten up Adrianna…” Jazmyn said. “The son of a bitch deserves it for all he put Myra through growing up. Can’t she have fun and you know, BE HAPPY?”

“Yeah sis… don’t be such a spoilsport. Have a drink… wait, you can’t because you’re only 20 hahahaha…”

Adrianna rolled her eyes.

“So are you going to dominate that freestyle rap tournament, Myra?” Jazmyn asked. My response was a confident scoff.

“DUH! I’m AMAZING!”

“I KNOW YOU ARE! You are the most amazing, splendiferous, super amazing, double decker sandwich, mega amazing… what am I saying?!?!?!”

“Jazzy, you’re SO wasted… hahaha!”

“So what are you going to dominate more, Myra? The mechanical bull or one of the chippendales? It’s a WILD RIDE either way!”

Adrianna rolled her eyes while I just laughed.

“Hahahahaha…..SHUT UP JAZMYN!” I said as I playfully pushed her.

“No YOU shut up!” Jazmyn playfully pushed back. “You’ll NEVER amount to anything in wrestling Myra because a bunch of empty JERKS in NSWA said so…”

“OH YEAH! They thought I’d amount to NOTHING… well FUCK THEM…”

“The WHOLE locker room, Myra? What the FUCK?”

“SHUT UP JAZMYN! GOD!”

“I’m out of here…” Adrianna said as she slipped away from the table

“NO YOU shut up you DUMB, FLORIDA MORON!”

“Oh right, I AM one according to NSWA, RIGHT? HA! Proved THEM wrong! LOOOOSERS! You know who else is a loser?”

“Who?”

“YOUR MOM!”

I playfully shoved Jazmyn so hard she nearly fell out of her chair.

“Bra and panties bar room brawl match, RIGHT NOW!”

“I’ll choke you out, Jazmyn!” I said with a drunken laugh.

“...WHATEVERRRR!”

Jazmyn and I had a hell of a time together as we continued to celebrate my first title win ever. While I was obviously way more immature at this stage of my career, I WAS having way more fun and I didn’t take my career so damn seriously. Just thinking back to this silly little memory made me feel more like myself…

Back to the present…

“When was the last time I was TRULY happy?” I thought to myself as the cab ride continued. “I didn’t treat myself at all when I won the SCW Bombshells Internet Championship. I didn’t treat my title defenses like that big of a deal. I dealt with them, I won them, and I moved on. I wouldn’t have even celebrated breaking the records that I did had Jazmyn not pushed me to do so. When was the last time I went out for an innocent drink or the last time Jazmyn and I went shopping together? When was the last time I took Adrianna out to spend some quality sister time without having to think about wrestling? It feels like all of that has been forever. Aside from my two year maternity retirement, I haven’t separated myself from my career in… gosh, a decade? I used to be such a sociable, happy, fun-loving person and I haven’t been that in so long.

Right now? I really wish I could be that person again…”

My train of thought was broken with the cab arriving at my home. I exited the cab and the driver was nice enough to pop the trunk open to allow me to remove my stuff. I did so and after paying my fare, the cab drove off.

“I’m not sad about losing to Amber again…” I thought to myself. “...but what if I am pushing myself too hard? Hanging onto awful times in my past caused that. I know I JUST let it all go… but I should’ve done that the moment I came back to wrestling. God, what have I cost myself by waiting so long to let it go?”

I was looking at the front door with an increasingly guilty, sad feeling pouring through me. My hand was shaking as I pulled my key out of my purse and nervously unlocked the door. Opening and entering, the first thing I saw was Adrianna sitting on her wheelchair.

There was awkward silence when I shut the door and I saw right away she was looking at me. During this staredown, that guilt just grew. I began to walk toward her and I could see she was already looking sad. I was in for a surprise when she stood up from her wheelchair and embraced me. She buried her face in my shoulder and started crying, leaving me numb and not knowing how to process anything.

“I wasn’t sure I’d ever see you again…” she told me, making my heart sink further. We broke our embrace and I was still numb and stunned.

“Adrianna, I’m sorry I couldn’t win that match. I tried and…”

“That’s not what you should be apologizing for…” she said, catching me off guard. “You should apologize for what you put me, what you put Kimberly and what you put EVERYONE that cares about you through when you fought that match. I know it wasn’t your choice to compete in that, but GOD DAMN IT, MYRA! I thought your career was going to be over! I was so worried that you were permanently paralyzed, disfigured or SOMETHING! You didn’t bother to call, or to answer any calls anyone made to you, or anything! No, you’re too busy in the ER probably crying about how you lost that match. I know it means the world to you, but I DON’T GIVE A FUCK if you lost that match! You could’ve been disfigured… or worse… KILLED!”

“Killed?”

“The ring fucking exploded, Myra! I actually thought you were either going to die or that you were already dead!!!!” Adrianna blurted this out as tears streamed down her face. “You left me worrying for DAYS! Why didn’t you communicate with me, or to anyone that cares about you, as soon as you woke up? Why leave us worried sick? Do you realize how horrible Kimberly cried herself to sleep on Sunday because she thought you were dead? Get that through your head, Myra! You are her only living parent! There comes a point where you just need to stop killing yourself over your wrestling career and doing things like that! Being a MOM and watching Kimberly grow up is WAY more important than a World Championship! How can you be so IGNORANT?”

“I’m here now. Isn’t that important? I’ll recover from this. I’ll get back in the ring soon enough. I’ll bounce back from this. You know I can and will. You know I’m not going to be done pursuing the world title…”

“No… NO! I DON’T want to hear that speech right now! Seriously! I don’t! For better or worse, I have supported your career all of these years even in the instances where it has negatively affected our relationship, but nearly getting yourself killed at Violent Conduct crosses the line for me! I can’t support your career anymore, Myra! For YOUR fucking sake… and most of all, for KIMBERLY’S sake… you need to be done with wrestling…”

“WHAT?!?!?!!” I said, in shock and denial. “Am I being punked right now? Did I just hear that from YOU of all people?”

“DID I NOT MAKE MYSELF CLEAR ENOUGH?” Adrianna screamed. “WHY put yourself through this? For what? A world championship? Those come and go, but the bond with a child is FOREVER, Myra! I’m not telling you to retire because you can’t go anymore. I’m telling you to retire because wrestling has done nothing but DESTROY YOU for YEARS without YOU realizing it!”

“What are you talking about?” I asked with a soft, quivering voice.

“Like I haven’t noticed how you’ve changed over the last 10 years? I HAVE noticed! Everyone’s noticed. Nobody wanted to say anything, but the fact of the matter is, you have allowed wrestling to change you. The Myra I met would’ve thought twice about being in a match like that, but no, YOU jump into that with Amber because you’re so DESPERATE for a world title, acting like without it, you can’t validate your career. That is NOT the Myra that I met. That is someone that has allowed her career to change her… for the worse…”

I was still quite stunned by what I was hearing.

“When I met you Myra, you had FUN every now and then. Sure, you were annoying in a ‘big sister’ sort of way here and there, but you left your career IN the ring. You took time out of your day to live your life. Now? You’re so hyper focused on your career 24/7 with all of those unneeded extra training hours and taking FOREVER to let go of your worst heartbreaks ever that I don’t even RECOGNIZE you anymore…”

“You don’t need to be so harsh…”

“Yes I DO, Myra, because at this point it’s the only way you are going to get it. I want the old, happy, FUN Myra back! I want the sister that I got to hang out with at the movies, or some carnival, or some amusement park every once in a while and we got to talk about… you know… LIFE! But no, you’re all about WRESTLING and your career as if you’d DIE without it.”

“How long have you been feeling like this?”

“Ten years…” Adrianna mentioned, further shocking me. “Over time, even when things are going well for you, I’ve observed you becoming progressively more miserable. I hate to say it because it’s your dream, but wrestling, especially SCW with  how competitive and intense it is, has made you a miserable, unhappy person that can never be satisfied with anything. You are exactly what you have accused Amber of being…”

“...that can’t be true…” I said. “I was so happy doing what I did with the Internet title for so long and…”

“If you were, how come you don’t even TALK about that anymore? Right, because you lost that to Amber and it means nothing to you anymore…”

I raised my eyebrows, still expressing surprise. It shocked me when I thought ‘holy shit, she’s right’ to myself without my conscience even bothering to fight it.

“When I was on maternity retirement, I was miserable. If I didn't have my wrestling career… I don’t know what I have left…”

“Happiness. Relief. Freedom from burdens you’ve carried for years…”

“Adrianna, seriously…”

“Just let me make my point.” Adrianna pleaded as more tears fell down her face. “Can you PLEASE listen to me for ONCE? As a sister, can you do THAT much for me?”

“...okay…”

“Miserable without wrestling? You’ve been progressively miserable WITH wrestling: all the crap you did in GCW when you severed your friendship with Jazmyn… and you’re LUCKY she forgave you by the way… the fact that even as recent as Summer XXXtreme, you were acting like losses were this HUGE SETBACK! OH MY GOD! END OF THE WORLD… the fact that you feel like a failure and that the good things you’ve done mean nothing because of one setback and you act like you have to start over from square one… the fact that you are ALWAYS hard on yourself to the point where if ONE thing goes wrong with your career, you lock yourself up in your room, or at the gym, and keep your distance from me, Jazmyn, Scotty, my twins, YOUR DAUGHTER… GOD Myra, if only you could count how many times Kimberly expressed sadness that you isolated yourself over your career…”

My internal guilt grew as Adrianna paused. A few sobs were coming out of her and I was beginning to feel her pain and her heartache.

“Why is nothing ever good enough for you? You’re not doing it on purpose, but why do you have to push everyone away for the benefit of your career? I understand that SCW is competitive as hell and that it’s the hardest company you’ve ever wrestled for, but why do you HAVE to be so sucked in? Why did it have to take you SO LONG to get over the Luciana thing? I’m glad you finally did, but WHY so long? Your mother retired from wrestling to raise you and to be the best mom she could be for you. Why can’t you make that same sacrifice? What is WRONG with leaving your career as it is when you’re doing this for yourself and your own well being and most importantly, for your DAUGHTER? Because a few SCW Bombshells like Kate, Andrea, Bea, Alicia, Amber and so forth would tear you down and judge you for it?”

“It’s not about that…” I said, the quivering still in my voice. “...I just don’t want to retire without one more world title. I don’t want my last world title to be something that I won by cheating and interference. I don’t feel like my career is complete without that.”

“So your Internet title reign is irrelevant?”

“I never said that…”

“Myra, that ONE title reign MORE than atones for that. That reign is the longest reign in the history of the division for ALL the titles. If you were to retire now, that’s what you would be remembered for. THAT is your mark on SCW AND the division! YOU left that. NOBODY can take that away from you. If you were to retire tomorrow, would THAT being your last reign be the worst thing? That reign was the best title reign of ALL 19 you’ve ever had…”

“I agree…” I said, pausing. I was becoming overwhelmed with guilt at this point as I went to the couch to sit down. “When I was growing up… and when I wanted to do this… fifteen year old Miranda Lynette Rivers wanted to be a wrestler just to follow in her mother’s footsteps. I wanted to go mainstream, which she never got to do. I didn’t care about titles so much. I just wanted to make it… for her…”

“You’ve done everything you’ve ever wanted and THEN some, Myra. I know it’s tough and that this is what you love in your heart, but you know in that same heart that your career has made you miserable and really changed you in ways you never wanted to change.”

“I am so sorry, Adrianna…” I said with a guilty sigh, the numbness in my soul beginning to wane. “I’m sorry that I put you, Kimberly and everyone else I cared about through the ringer at Violent Conduct… and not just that… for what I’ve put EVERYONE through over the years being so hyper focused on my career and living up to a certain reputation by winning titles and beating anyone in front of me and focusing SO much on conquering everything under the sun and hanging onto the past to the point where I completely neglected myself… my own well being… and most of all, my relationships with the people I love. I never meant to hurt you… or anyone I care about…”

“It’s for your own good, sis.”

“You’re right…” I admitted, tears of my own filling up realizing that it felt right and that it felt like it was time. “I’ll call the office in the morning and… I’m never wrestling again. I don’t want to give up something that I love, but I also don’t want to hurt the people that I love even more. You’re right. For the last 10 years? I’ve been wrestling under a cloud of misery I had no idea was hovering above me until you mentioned it. I’m doing the right thing. No more wrestling…”

“Mommy… no….”

As if the surprises couldn’t be over just yet. Kimberly, my seven-year-old daughter, was standing at the base of the stairs. She looked incredibly sad over what I just said and her sadness broke my heart.

“Kimmy, I have to…”

“But I wanna wrestle too… just like you…”

This caught Adrianna and I BOTH by surprise.

“Come here…” I told her. She didn’t hesitate to listen as she came to the couch and curled up into my arms. “I’m sorry…”

“I know you’re not home all the time, but seeing you wrestle makes me happy! It’s like I have a superhero as my mom! If you were to stop, I’d be so sad!”

Feeling her tears spread in the crook of my elbow brought the tears out of me too.

“It’s a tough career…” I told her. “But if this is what you want to do, I support you.”

“Don’t quit, mommy!”

I was feeling conflicted knowing that Adrianna was right, but Kimberly was happy to watch me wrestle.

“I’m sorry you had to see that…” I told her, referring to Violent Conduct. “...is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

“Don’t quit…” Kimberly repeated. “I don’t want you to quit.”

“Adrianna…” I said as I looked toward my sister who was equally conflicted. “You’re right… but you know I don’t want to let her down. You’re right that Kimberly comes first… always… and that includes this instance. I’m sorry, but if I retire? I’m only letting her down and I can’t do that. Kimmy, I’m not quitting… but only because of you, okay? You’re the reason why I’m going to keep going…”

Kimberly hugged me tighter while Adrianna didn’t know what to say at first.

“I understand…” she said. “...promise me you will take everything we talked about into consideration. Promise me you’re going to find the happy, fun, vibrant sister that I met 13 years ago and that you are going to quit centering your whole entire life around your career. Promise me that you’re going to do better in separating yourself from this. Promise me you are going to stop basing your whole entire self-esteem on what happens in that wrestling ring.”

I took a deep sigh of relief with Adrianna relenting even though she had wanted me to consider ALL of the amazingly strong points she made.

“I promise…” I told her. “...you are absolutely right in everything you told me today and from now on, I AM going to be better and I’m NOT going to base my entire self-worth on my career.”

“Good…” Adrianna said as she began to head toward the stairs, kicking over her wheelchair in the process. She stopped at the base of the stairs. “...and Myra?”

“Yeah?”

“Never… EVER wrestle that kind of match again! Don’t you EVER put us through the emotions we felt a second time!”

Adrianna went upstairs, albeit slowly having just been able to walk on her own again. I was alone with Kimberly on the couch at this point and I could feel her happiness that I decided to continue my career after all.

“Come on…” I told Kimberly. “Let’s go get some ice cream!”

“YAY!”

Kimberly’s excitement over something as simple as ice cream brought a pure joy into my heart… a rare non-wrestling related joy that I was already wanting to experience more often…

Later that night…

After I had put Kimberly to bed for the night, I was down in my basement… largely empty after I had auctioned off so much of my memorabilia on the Summer XXXtreme cruise for Adrianna’s medical care. I was looking through an old photo album, remembering some happy, fun times.

There was a picture of Jazmyn Rain and I, both 16, at a Halloween party where she was Poison Ivy and I was Wonder Woman, and I had her in a playful chokehold...

A picture of Adrianna and I where we were smiling over the first lunch we ever had together back in 2008…

A picture of all three of us on my 24th birthday that same year where the three of us were giving the middle finger to a life size picture of my father that we plastered in paint, and with a “Fuck yourself” written in marker by me right on his face.

A picture of Jazmyn and I having a day at the mall when we were seventeen, laughing after we silly stringed a boy at an arcade inside the mall…

And lastly a picture of me spilling champagne all over Adrianna on her 21st birthday while both of us were having an amazing time. I sighed, still feeling some of that guilt from earlier.

“There was never anything wrong with that fun, social person I was…” I said with regret. “I’m sad that I lost sight of that person. But it happens to the best of them in this business. I got too wrapped up in it… but from this moment forward, I am going back to the basics… and I WILL find and BE that person again…”

At this point, I closed the photo album and reflected further on those happy, fun times… all while pondering how I was going to achieve this greater balance that my heart was increasingly desiring…

September 24th, 2021

I was back inside the old training ring inside of Scott Lockley’s old wrestling school, sitting on the edge of the apron and reflecting on some things as I took in the atmosphere of where I began my wrestling journey nearly twenty years ago. While part of me was still feeling Violent Conduct, it wasn’t enough to bring me down, physically or emotionally. I quickly glanced at some pictures of myself from my training years where I was bubblier and happier before I expressed my thoughts to the camera in front of me.

“I know what you must be thinking. How? How can I wrestle a match two weeks after THAT? I admit, I was surprised that I found out I was booked against Bea Barnhart this coming weekend so soon after something so violent, but if you think I’m about to back down just because I might not be 100% and because I lost to Amber again, then you’re only fooling yourself. The last couple of weeks have been something else for me because I admit it… for a while? I really felt empty… and not because of Amber… but because I had to stare a loved one in the face as they PLEADED with me to retire. That… it shook me up more than the loss itself. I recently realized through all of this that I’d been weighing myself for SO long because of my former inability to let go of the past and the fact that I was pushing myself too damn hard to my own detriment. That’s why I am back where it all started. The fact of the matter is, you people here in SCW don’t REALLY know me because I’ve kept to myself the entire time I’ve been here. I’ve ALWAYS been driven with my career without ever so much even providing a hint of who I really am. Hell, all the crap I was spewing at Amber about how she wasn’t happy with anything? That was actually ME. I’ve spent FAR too long tormenting myself over stupid nonsense… and I’m done! From this moment forward, I am slowly going to show you who I really am in and out of the ring and damn it, I am not going to hide anymore!

This week? I begin to go BACK TO BASICS and I begin to rediscover who the fuck Miranda Rivers truly is! I don’t care if I may or may not be 100%, I’m NOT backing down nor giving up and Bea, if you think you’re going to just walk into my home state and get a victory over me, playing the role of vulture just because of what I went through two weeks ago, then you can FORGET IT! It’s fitting that I am going back to basics and bettering myself and my well-being by doing so by competing against and wrestling against, one of the most BASIC BITCHES in this company. Bea, you have NEVER had respect for ANYONE. All you do is turn the camera on, talk the same old shit every single week and more often than not, FAIL to deliver! The sad thing is, you remind me of me when I first started. I was that same bitch that you are now that talked a lot of shit, tried so hard to piss everyone off, tried too hard to be FUNNY and that not many took seriously. I have been that rookie, or relatively inexperienced wrestler, that acted like she was BETTER than she really was… just like YOU do on a near weekly basis. However, you want to know the biggest difference between rookie me and you, Bea?

I backed it ALL up… maybe not at first, but I DID! I GAINED experience, just like you have Bea, but like my trainer Scott Lockley once taught me, it’s not the experience that matters, but it’s what you do to grow from it. You’ve been here for how long now, Bea? And aside from a fleeting, two-week reign with the Mixed Tag Titles, what have you even DONE to carry yourself the way you do? You came into SCW being a trash talking, basic bitch that acted like she was better than everyone and had everything it took to be successful right away… and now… you STILL are! For all the experience you’ve gained, you haven’t EVOLVED at all. The reason why you haven’t progressed as much as other Bombshells here, and the reason why you’re not beating me on Sunday, is because YOU LEARN NOTHING from your mistakes and you grow NOTHING from your experiences. You recently had a chance to beat Amber, you didn’t. You went into that match CLEARLY violating the BASIC rule of this business of KNOWING YOUR OPPONENT because you constantly said Amber had a ‘limited mental capacity’.

If you actually had any PASSION for what you do, you’d KNOW that’s not true.

The BEST example that proves that you learn NOTHING from your mistakes is your recent match with Seleana Zdunich. You would think losing to her twice would’ve taught you something, but there you go again rattling off the same basic nonsense talking about how you talk FACTS. Really, Bea? You talk FACTS? Amber having a ‘low mentality’ isn’t fact. Amber NOT taking the world championship seriously isn't a fact. It’s a pathetically wrong statement you pulled out of your ass because you didn’t even bother to know or to learn what she is all about. You getting disrespected by the other wrestlers out of jealousy is a fact? What is there to be jealous about? The fact that you’ve never been a singles champion? Your mixed tag team title run that only lasted two weeks? The fact that you haven’t evolved one bit since coming to Sin City Wrestling? Losing to Seleana three times? I get it, when I had your level of experience, I was that delusional too, but I grew the hell out of it… and even then, I was in my early 20’s. You are in your THIRTIES like I am and you’re acting like you’re still in high school with your shallow promotional material and the occasional stupid skit that you do that isn’t funny whatsoever. It’s like you WANT to make a joke out of this business. You even insinuate that Seleana has an attitude, a smart mouth and is arrogant…

SERIOUSLY?

Seleana may have her moments, but she’s NONE of that and again YOU would know that if you actually took the time to know that. You’re even trying to discredit Seleana’s success by insinuating that she got it all handed to her. THAT is “fact”? Seleana being just like the mean girls you grew up with is a FACT? That’s not fact… that is NONSENSE coming from someone who CLAIMS she is no-nonsense when the reality is, every time she comes on camera and cuts a promo, all she speaks is nonsense and you ACT like this delusional, fact-twisting, wannabe tabloid style NONSENSE is going to get you anywhere, but all it’s gotten you is going around in circles. You would think that losing to Seleana twice would’ve taught you something, but you went into that match with her at Violent Conduct with the SAME ATTITUDE you had the first two times… and you lost again. Every single time you go out there and wrestle, SURE you GAIN experience, but what the fuck do you do with it? You waste it. You waste it because you’re still doing the same old thing, showing no ability or willingness to evolve and grow. You are one of those wrestlers in this division that goes through the motions, sits there, waits to get booked, waits for an opportunity to pretty much be given to her, and doesn’t apply the time and effort into her craft to get better. If you DID, Bea, you would’ve beaten Seleana at Violent Conduct, you and Bill would’ve held the mixed tag titles more than two weeks and perhaps, you would’ve become the Bombshells Roulette Champion, but no, you’re just complacent, doing the same old shtick again and acting like you’re better than you really are when you barely have the receipts to prove it.

You WASTED a huge opportunity with the Mixed Tag titles to show what you were capable of. You and Bill shocked the world when you won those things and it was YOUR chance to prove it wasn’t a fluke and to GROW with those titles but instead, you REMAINED complacent, figured that what you brought to the dance was going to be good enough and you didn’t HAVE to evolve or grow and that you’d be okay in your first defense. THAT type of attitude is what cost you those mixed tag team titles and it is THAT kind of attitude that has left you massively STAGNANT in your career. You brag about gaining more experience over time when you were about to face Seleana, but what good is experience when you learn nothing from it? Tell me Bea, what is ONE thing you have learned as a professional wrestler in Sin City Wrestling that you didn’t already know before you signed on the dotted line? Can you answer that? No. But I can! I’ve learned A LOT! I’ve learned that I am strong enough to overcome ANYTHING and ANYONE thrown at me and that, in turn, has boosted my confidence and made me the best wrestler that I have ever been. I’ve been HUMBLED in REALIZING… especially very recently… that I weighed myself down by never being TRULY happy with what I do and pushing myself too hard. I’ve LEARNED that loving, nurturing and trusting yourself goes so far in this business and in this life. I’ve learned that a loss in a huge match ISN’T the end of the world, not just because I’m beyond good enough to win those more often than not, but because not even the WORST loss of my career ended it. I have learned my biggest strengths and my biggest weaknesses during my time here and I have applied what I have learned in every single match I have fought.

This match for me? I’m applying what I learned from my recent experience. You won’t see me in that ring putting too much pressure on myself and worrying about a reputation to defend because I am NOT making that mistake anymore. I’m going to show you Bea, that I am done being that wrestler that would burden herself over the dumbest nonsense and hold herself back from her fullest potential because of it. This is not going to be the same old Myra that would deliver a dissertation about the hard times of her past. I’m DONE living in that! I am DONE going around in circles, just like you have done your whole career here. I will SHOW YOU what I have learned from my Amber Ryan experiences and you are going to know first hand that I am not whatever you may slander me to be to anyone else that even bothers to listen to what you say. This match begins the rediscovery of the person that I am at my core and while I’m NOT done with the world championship, my focus is YOU and YOU alone. My focus is showing that I am NOT about to be written off and NOT about to head into the darkness. My focus is remembering why the fuck I fell in love with this sport to begin with and YOU, one of the most complacent Bombshells on the roster, are a PERFECT opponent for me at this time because I KNOW going into this thing that you don’t have the desire that I do to be better, you don’t have the HUMILITY to look within yourself the way I do to acknowledge your mistakes and realize what you are doing wrong and you damn sure don’t have the INTELLIGENCE to fix your mistakes because you REFUSE to acknowledge them at all. I can’t even think of ONE time where you humbly admitted someone else was better than you, Bea. Oftentimes you act as if the loss never happened or that it was nothing and it was just more ‘experience’ for you.

How the hell can you grow as a wrestler with THAT kind of attitude?

Simple.

You don’t.

And I’m not bullshitting you on that. Take that from someone who once acted JUST like you. I remember being just like you and THINKING I never had to improve anything and that what I learned naturally and what I inherited from my mother alone was going to be enough. GOD was I wrong. I had to lose… a LOT… when I first started. I had to endure some hell. I had to look inward and realize what I was doing wrong… something that you have NEVER done… and you know what happened when I finally stopped being someone like you and stopped being so fucking ignorant of my shortcomings? I started winning, I started getting BETTER, and I started GROWING into the wrestler that I am today and ALL I had to do was humble myself enough to learn from your mistakes. It wasn’t just ‘experience’ that got me going… it was the dedication to do whatever it took to get better… it was the humility to learn what I was doing wrong… I grew and evolved and went from acting like the stupid, spoiled rich girl my dad brainwashed me to be after my mother died to embracing the journey that I HAD to take… that I didn’t want to at first… to become one of the best of my own generation. Someone like you… who just refuses to understand what the business is all about… is a perfect opponent for me to start the process of me rediscovering why I fell in love with this and why I became so successful in the first place.

So what’s it going to be, Barnhart?

Are you going to come into this match actually motivated to show something? Are you actually going to show the world anything new? Are you going to show that you have a true passion for this business and that you actually want to EVOLVE beyond what you already are? Or are you just going to continue to go in circles, stay stuck in place, come out with the same old shtick, come out talking the same old crap, come into this match talking nonsense showing that you know NOTHING about me, deride me for “low intelligence” like you do with every opponent and threaten to kick my ass and talk about how you’re going to do that just like you do every single match?

A betting man should bet on the latter, Bea. Honestly. But either way? Even though I’ve been through so much, even though I met the death of my career right in front of my face, even though I am only two weeks removed from the hell of Violent Conduct, I AM going to beat you Bea, because I WANT this more than you do and because I WANT to CONTINUE to be better! I want to show this company and show the world why I am one of the strongest, most resilient and most passionate people on the roster and why no setback is EVER going to make me go away. This business has done SO much to me, for better and for worse, for the positive in uplifting me to the greatest heights confidence wise and for the negative for shattering my soul many times over and yet, I am STILL here because I LOVE this and I’m NOT going to give up on what I want to achieve just because I’ve faced and endured hell.

This Sunday?

It’s the start of my journey to rediscover what makes me what I am…

And THAT, Bea… is coming from the heart I have ALWAYS had for this business!

Mark my words SCW… once I finish my journey of rediscovery and I find every piece of who I truly am…

I WILL be that world champion that I know in my heart I will always be capable of being as long as I have a say in it…

But first? The beginning of that journey… and that journey starts this Sunday against you Bea.

I made a signal to my camera guy to cut off the camera, which he does. I picked up a picture of myself from the day I graduated from Scott Lockley’s wrestling school and observed how joyful I was at the time. It brought a smile to my face that made me more determined than ever to be my very best…

“I will find you again…” I told the picture. ‘I promise…”

I set it down… and began to reflect some more...