Author Topic: MAL WHAT? MAL WHO?  (Read 637 times)

Offline Andrew

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MAL WHAT? MAL WHO?
« on: August 27, 2021, 09:29:06 AM »
MAL WHAT? MAL WHO?

Narrator:  Bill Barnhart is fired up going into the semi-final round of the Internet Championship Tournament. This time he faces Malachi O’Connell and Bill is predicting a quick and easy victory.

The scene changes and we get a shot of Bill and Bea Barnhart relaxing in the venue where the World’s Fair was held in 1962. Bill and Bea are sitting at a table that has a large umbrella to cast shade and both are eating a nice lunch while they watch people walking through the venue. When the camera person informs the two they are live broadcasting they are about to start start their comments when Bill’s cell phone rings.

Bill:  Excuse me for a moment. This is my neighbor, Andrew, in Lawrenceville, Georgia. Andrew I don’t have much time to talk as I’m just starting my comments on my upcoming match against Malachi in the Internet Championship Tournament, so we need to make this call short. How are you and Rebecca doing in Lawrenceville, Georgia?

Andrew:  We’re fine bur the weather is hot and humid and it has been raining off and on for two weeks. Where are you now?

Bill:  We’re in Seattle, Washington. Sin City Wrestling’s Climax Control 310 is being held here. The weather is nice considering we are in Seattle. Right now we’re relaxing at the venue where the World’s Fair was held in 1962.

Andrew:  Seriously! I was at the World’s Fair in Seattle in 1962 when I was 8 years old. I remember a lot of the exhibits and rides from back then. Enjoy your stay in Seattle and I wish you the best of luck in your match against Malachi.

Bill:  Watch the event so you can see me make easy work of Malachi. Sorry to rush off but I have a certain amount of air time and I have to use it wisely so I don’t come up short.

Bill and Andrew end their call. Bill and Bea eat more of their food before presenting comments for Bill’s match against Malachi.

Bill:  Thanks for tuning in for my comments concerning my match against Malachi at Climax Control 310. This is a semi-final round match to see which of us advances to the final match to determine who becomes the next Sin City Wrestling Internet Champion. We all know I’m gonna win it all and walk away as the Internet Champion so my match against Malachi is going to be a squash with me doing the squashing and him being the one squashed. Before I go further with my comments on my upcoming match I want Bea to comment on her match against Roxi Johnson last week and on my upcoming match at Climax Control 310 against Malachi.

Bea:  As Bill’s Manager I’ll be in his corner to ensure there’s no interference or other crap coming from the side of Malachi O’Connell. If you need to come into this match against Bill and cheat, or have interference, then don’t even show up. With that out of the way let me comment on my match against Roxi Johnson at Climax Control 309. Roxi you and everyone else saw that I held my own in our match. I immediately took advantage of you and had you backpedaling and looking for an escape. In the end you managed to set off your four confetti cannons before I could and you legally won the match. I thank you for the opportunity to face you, a very accomplished superstar, and I applaud you on your win. That match means a lot to me and in every match I improve.

Bill:  You shouldn’t feel bad losing to a great wrestler like Roxi. Your time will come when you win the major championships in Sin City Wrestling. Just watch me as I easily defeat Malachi and move on to the finals in the Internet Championship Tournament. Then at that event I’ll prove everyone wrong when I win the Internet Championship. Bea would you give the comparison between myself and Malachi for the viewers?

Bea:  Gladly. Bill comes into this match at six feet four inches and two hundred forty pounds. Malachi comes into this match at five feet ten inches and one hundred eighty pounds. Malachi you’re giving up six inches in height and sixty pounds of weight to Bill. Sorry to inform you but having those two negatives working against you means you’ll lose to Bill so quickly you won’t even remember losing.

Bill and Bea stop talking for a time to watch some people doing stunts while on bikes, skates, and skateboards. When the people pass by and are off in the distance the two return to the camera.

Bill:  Malachi I need to ask you a question. Now I fully understand that with your limited mental capacity any question, even someone asking you how you are doing today, might cause you a brain melt-down since you’re not capable of processing the data but I’ll try anyway. Have you heard of the term FLAPDOODLE? Oh shit! I think I just used a word that caused your brain to have a melt-down. Sorry, Malachi, but I had to ask because it pertains to you. The term FLAPDOODLE is a slang term meaning NONSENSE which also means WORTHLESS and PATHETIC. Hmmm, nonsense, worthless, and pathetic. Three words that describe you perfectly. While you come into our match like a wet noodle I come into our match like a battering ram on amphetamines. You may think you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread but I’m in this match to fry your bread and send you home as a loser. Think you can stop me from winning our match? Try. Go ahead and try. No matter what you do you’ll fail.

Bea:  Malachi I can predict what you and your family and friends are going to say. They’ll claim the only reason I’m in Bill’s corner for his match is that I’ll try to cheat and interfere in the match to benefit him. I guess you’re blind. I do not interfere in matches. I don’t cause distractions. I don’t hire interference for the benefit of Bill. What I do as his manager is to ensure that his opponents don’t cause distractions, don’t hire interference, and don’t cause problems to get a cheap win for Bill’s opponent. Malachi if anyone associated with you tries that crap nobody is going to hold me and Bill accountable for the damage we inflict upon you.

Bill and Bea take a break from their comments to finish their food and drinks.

Bill:  Oh, Malachi, I see how you tout yourself as the next best thing in the sport of wrestling. Although to most people that sounds great you have to analyze the statement. Saying that you’re the next best thing in wrestling means you admit you’re not the best thing in wrestling at this time. Me, on the other hand, can boldly and honestly state that I’m the best thing in wrestling and I’m going to be the next Sin City Wrestling Internet Champion after I defeat you and then defeat my opponent in the finals of the Internet Championship Tournament.

Bill laughs loudly then continues with his comments.

Bill:  Malachi you’re probably sitting around thinking hard of how you can portray yourself as anything other than a failure. Good luck with that attempt. From what I’ve seen of you it appears that you run trying to claim that you are some sort of malware that is designed to affect how computers and their programs work. You seem to think you in the sport of wrestling work as malware that affects the performance of your opponents. Think again punk. While you may think you are malware designed to make me malfunction in our match the opposite is true. You don’t seem to understand that I am what they call in the IT world as Anti-Malware. Just as with a computer where someone places malware on your computer to make it malfunction so our computers have anti-malware software installed to detect, block, disable, and destroy, the malware from doing the purpose it was intended to do. Yes, Malachi, no matter what you bring to our match, no matter what moves and holds you attempt you will see that I am the anti-malware to your malware. Boom! Zap! You are stopped and no longer in the Internet Championship hunt.

Bill and Bea give a HIGH FIVE then Bill continues with his comments.

Bill:  Malachi you need to remember how you got to this second round of the Internet Championship Tournament. You faced off against one of the biggest jobbers in the sport of wrestling, both in size and the number of matches he’s required to lose, in The Troll. Defeating that obese guy is nothing for you to brag about. If you want to claim your victory over a wrestler who gets paid to lose then you are mentally ill beyond even what I imagined. Yes I recently also defeated The Troll but I did it amazingly and powerfully unlike how weakly you got the win over The Troll. How? I not only beat his fat ass all over the ring I ended the match by picking his lard ass up over my head and pressing him him up and down, like you do with weights, before letting him down and applying my Barnhart Shoulder Breaker Flying Hammer Lock for the submission. I got here by defeating Agostino Romano who is not a jobber and never has been. Agostino is also ten times the wrestler you are. What does that tell you Malachi? It tells you that when you got assigned to this match with me you were assigned your demise. For darn sure having this upcoming event titled the GOING HOME SHOW is perfect as you’re going home as the loser of our match. Har har har!!!

Bea gives the cut sign to the camera person to state their comments for this broadcast is done. The camera person cuts their camera feed and the screen goes dark.