February 24, 2021
"An effective way of redeeming yourself for the worst of your sins is to face them head on..."
This very thought was running through my head as I stood in a cemetery on a dark, gloomy afternoon. My soul was wrought with guilt as I was looking at the grave of Ricky, my ex-husband and the father of my daughter. He had been dead for only a year and a half at this point, but every time I thought about him, guilt was the only feeling I could experience.
“I am so sorry for how I treated you…” I said with a slight stutter, still finding myself in surprise that I was taking such a big step in my redemption journey. “You did nothing but treat me with respect and how did I repay you? By cheating on you and single handedly shattering our marriage.”
My eyes narrowed with further guilt, with shame added on top of that considering that the way I had behaved more than five years ago was completely embarrassing and a total disgrace to everything I was brought up to be.
“I was selfish… I only wanted to think about me and my wrestling career. I didn’t want to be a mother. I didn’t want to be a wife. I only cared about myself and my reputation in wrestling. The day I made the decision to put myself over our marriage, and worse, our daughter… it’s a day that I still haven’t forgiven myself for and I regret every single moment of it. I wish I never did it… I wish I didn’t destroy what we had because you were such an amazing guy and I treated you like a stray dog after everything you’d done for me…”
I took a deep breath and a solemn sigh as I thought about that night that our marriage, for all intents and purposes, was over…
Late Summer 2015…
“How could you do this to me?” Ricky asked me with total shock in his voice. “You just walk in, tell me it’s over, pack your bags, admit to me that you cheated on me with no shame at ALL, and you’re just going to walk out and leave everything behind? How can you live with yourself? What the hell did I ever do to you to push me away?”
Just looking at him at the moment was making me absolutely sick as I glared at him. In the moment, I felt like I wanted to beat the hell out of him. Considering the phase of my wrestling career that I was in, my common sense was at the worst it had ever been. My neurosis over my reputation and my career was also at an all time peak. My selfishness was preventing me from thinking clearly and continued to flood my soul with darkness as I answered him.
“Why should I be ashamed of cheating with someone like YOU, Ricky? You’re a controlling, insensitive PRICK and I want NOTHING to do with you! You’ve done NOTHING but hold me back! You’ve done nothing but constrain me, expecting to be a stay at home mom! NO! I have a life too you know! I have to live my life! Do you realize how BAD my postpartum depression was after Kimberly was born? DO YOU? When I was going through that, THAT’S when I realized I didn’t want this life! I was MISERABLE being a stay at home mom! Don’t you get that? Many miserable afternoons, alone with Kimberly! GOD, I was going INSANE!”
“What was stopping you from getting a career in something other than wrestling?”
“For me, there’s nothing BUT wrestling, don’t you get it? How much do I have to drill it into your thick skull that I NEVER wanted to give up wrestling in the first place! Who do you think YOU are to tell me that I shouldn’t wrestle anymore?”
“Honey… please…” he told me as he walked up to me and tried to be understanding. He tried to grab my hand, but I instantly snapped it away from him. “...wrestling is what made you miserable in the first place. You changed after that last match in PRW. It destroyed you. When you were pregnant, that’s all you ever talked about. Why would I let someone that I love with all my heart go back to something that made her so unhappy? That’s why I kept telling you that I didn’t think you should ever go back…”
“You were CONTROLLING ME, Ricky! That’s what you were doing! You were nothing but dead weight! DO THIS, Myra. BE THAT, Myra. You shouldn’t do this, you shouldn’t do that. You should think about doing this…. GOD, where the hell did you learn to be such an anchor? Your trash parents who don’t even like me anyway?”
“I never meant to come off controlling and I’m sorry if I did! I was only trying to look out for you and make sure you were happy…”
“HAPPY? For TWO YEARS, all I ever did was sacrifice my happiness for YOU!” I said with a bitter, angry tone in my voice. “Every ounce of misery is YOUR fault! We’re getting divorced because of YOU! I’m going to walk out that door, all alone, and never come back! After two years of sacrificing what I want… I’m taking back the life YOU took from me!”
“Myra…” he said as he grabbed my hand. On a reflex, I slapped him across the face with my other one.
“STAY AWAY FROM ME! We’re DONE! It’s time for me to be ME again! I SERIOUSLY hope you die, Ricky! You are the WORST thing that has happened to my life since my own father!”
Ricky was completely stunned and heartbroken and the worst part was that I was enjoying his pain. I sneered at him before walking out of the home we had been staying at having no remorse or conscience about the horrible action of destroying our marriage.
Present Day…
"You were always looking out for me and I was too selfish, stupid and caught up with my 'wrestler's ego' to see that." I said as I could feel my own heart break. “I was in such a dark place with everything for so long because of something in my career that traumatized me and for a few years, I took that out on you and so many people in wrestling… like Jazmyn… like Andrea… and indirectly, our daughter when she didn’t have her mom for a long time…”
I was hearing footsteps behind me, but I was ignoring them.
“You didn’t deserve to be treated like that and I wish there was a way I could make it up to you because now that you’re gone… there’s no way I ever can…”
The footsteps behind me stopped.
“You’ve got a lot of nerve…” I could hear a familiar, feminine voice behind me. “...you spit on my son’s grave by visiting it on his birthday?”
I was in for a shock hearing the voice of my ex’s mother. With all the guilt in the world, I turned to face her and she had a terrifying look in her eyes as if she wanted to kill me.
“I am so sorry that…”
“SHUT UP!” his mother said, catching me by surprise. “I don’t want to hear your vapid, empty apology you whore!”
“I know that in the past I…”
I was interrupted with a slap across the face by Ricky’s mother, which really hurt me inside as it became obvious to me that no matter how much forgiveness I was given by many in the wrestling community, that my ex-mother in law was not about to forgive.
“Are you feeling the same thing my son felt when you walked out on him that day? I hope you are. You’re going to just stand there and let me say what I’ve been wanting to say for a long time. My son… all he could ever think about was you. He wanted nothing but the best for you. Personally, I felt like you were toxic for him… and I was RIGHT! I warned him over and over that you were no good for him, but his love for you blinded him. I knew from seeing how you carried yourself in your career that he was going to have problems with you. You were always too prima donna for my son…”
Indeed, as his mother continued her rant toward me and as she continued to call me out for my misdeeds, I was truly feeling how Ricky felt when I slapped him across the face… or at least I was thinking that.
“Do you realize how leaving him destroyed him?” she asked me. I shook my head meekly, just allowing her to talk. “He never got over you. He was destroyed when you walked out on him. My son was a bright, vibrant person with a sense of adventure… but after you left him, he wasn’t the same. Kimberly was the only thing that made him happy. He was depressed. He had gained some weight. He never even tried to be with anyone else. While you were wreaking havoc in your wrestling career, he was crying himself to sleep more often than not because he couldn’t get over you! You picked your career over your marriage and it broke his heart… and then the cancer hit him. If he never had a broken heart, he would’ve never had that cancer! How does it feel knowing that you killed my son?!?!?!”
There was a piece of me that wanted to cry out of my own guilt, but there was another piece of me that was keeping me strong. It was truly cauterizing to finally understand how something awful I did affected someone.
“I never… ever… wanted any of that to happen to him…” I said, as those tears of guilt flooded my eyes. “I know that what I did was horrible but I’ve been working so hard at being better…”
“How? By your stupid nice girl act you’ve been doing in your wrestling career now?”
“It’s not an act. I’m really TRYING to be better! I understand that you feel the way that you do about me. Whatever bad feelings you have for me, I’ve earned them.”
“This is all a part of your little manipulation shtick, isn’t it?” she asked me, cutting me off. “You think I don’t turn on the television, watch you wrestle in SCW and put on that little dog and pony show nice girl act? You’re only pulling off the act because it’s convenient for you to even HAVE a career right now! You’re only being the nice girl because you’re doing SO WELL in SCW, breaking a bunch of records that you don’t deserve and having the time of your life all while my son doesn’t get to live anymore and you’re supposed to tell me that’s FAIR? Knowing you the way I know you… the very moment something goes wrong, you’re going to go back to being the god damned SLUT that killed my son! Mark my words, it WILL happen because the selfish bitch is who you REALLY are! You may fool your peers in SCW, but you don’t fool me. You haven’t changed a bit. You never will! Just the fact that you’re aiming for another title when you already have one proves it!”
I let a few tears fall before I composed myself and wiped them away. Ricky’s mother seemed annoyed.
“How dare you feel sorry for yourself right now…”
“I’m not…” I said as I wiped the tears away. “...I messed up and I broke Ricky’s heart. I can’t change that. I can’t fix that. If I could bring him back to life, I’d do it in a heartbeat. You have every right to be mad at me. You have every right to feel the way you do. I’ve done so many horrible things and while I respect your opinions and why you have them… I know in my heart the truth. I know that SCW is different. It’s been different for me because I’ve learned so much about myself while I’ve been there. With my whole journey there, I’ve exhibited strength that I had no idea I even had in me. I’ve done something that I haven’t done anywhere else and that’s prove to MYSELF that I am what I know I am. It’s being stronger than I’ve ever been and believing in myself more than ever that prevents me from screwing up again. But more than anything else in the world, it’s Kimberly… my daughter… your granddaughter… that keeps me going. I don’t ever want her to see me the way I was. I want to do nothing but good for her. As long as I have her with me, I’m never going to fall down the darkness I fell through years ago again…”
My ex-mother in law soaked in my rebuttal to her rant for a few moments.
“Being in SCW has made me a stronger person that’s made me more secure in myself than ever! You can believe what you want to believe about me… but if you expect me to stand here and cry about how you’re not going to believe me and drop to my knees and beg for your forgiveness and to give me another chance, then you really don’t know how much I’ve grown since I walked out on Ricky and chose my career over our marriage. If Ricky were here, he would’ve accepted my apology and forgiven me because that’s how big of a heart he had.”
“You’re right… he would’ve. But that doesn’t mean I will.”
“You have every right not to…” I told her, much to her own surprise. “I’m sorry that I hurt your son and I’m sorry that I hurt you. I’m sorry that I screwed up as horrible as I did. I’m sorry that I was ever that person. If I were in your shoes, I’m not entirely sure I would’ve ever been so forgiving. The door is open if you ever want to mend fences and I forgive you for trying to hurt me today. I can’t change the past. I can’t change your mind about me. I wish you the best and I hope you find peace within yourself from everything.”
“Thank you…” Ricky’s mother told me in a shocked tone of voice. “...at least you realize that what you did was wrong. I don’t like you, I never will. You know that. But I really hope you have changed since you hurt my son… not for your sake, but for the sake of my granddaughter.”
Ricky’s mother turned and began to leave the cemetery at that point all while I was beginning to feel a sense of inner peace within me knowing that I finally faced up to one of the most awful things I had ever done. I was in for one more slight surprise when she stopped her walk for a few moments.
“I just hope that when she’s old enough and when the time comes you tell her the truth about what happened and all the horrible things you did to my son. Good luck to you with your continued career success. I’ll be in touch… but only because I really want to see my granddaughter again…”
“Fair…” I said with confidence. “...that can be arranged. Thank you…”
The tension in the air was gone when my ex-mother in law finally left the cemetery. I looked back at Ricky’s grave, remembering all the good times we had before I caused our marriage to completely collapse. The guilt that was in my conscience for so long over what I had done to him was finally beginning to dissipate. I knew in my heart that I had taken such a big step in my own journey of growth as I moved forward, not just with the brighter times ahead in my life, but with the brighter times that I knew were ahead for me in my wrestling career and wherever my path in Sin City Wrestling was going to take me…
“I did so many awful things when I came back to professional wrestling…” I thought to myself as I took in the sight of Ricky’s grave for just a little bit more. “I caused so much pain, and trauma and suffering for so many in the business that I loved and all I ever was, was such a massive screw up… a toxic person that kept burning her bridges in this business. But I know how much I’ve grown… and I know I’ll continue to grow through this experience in SCW all the way until the very night I know in my heart I am destined to become the SCW Bombshells World Champion….”
With a great sense of peace in my soul having owned up to what I had done to the father of my daughter, I began to make my way out of the cemetery ready to continue my journey of redemption as a wrestler and as a person...
February 26, 2021
“One of the hardest things in this business is to own up to your shortcomings…”
I was in a confident state of mind back in the balcony of my Saxon suit, overlooking the Las Vegas skyline.
“...yet, that’s how you grow to your fullest potential as a professional wrestler. That’s how you evolve and become even better than what you are. Since I’ve been in this company, owning up is all I’ve ever done. I have shown that I am so much better than what I have exhibited in my younger years. I’ve grown and matured more than I ever have in any other wrestling company I’ve ever been part of and it’s brought me some incredible success, especially with my Bombshells Internet Championship reign. I’ve never made excuses for my shortcomings. Even the one loss that I have here, I owned it and I never ever made a complaint about it no matter how embarrassing it was for me. I GREW from that… and I know that Mac Bane is a wrestler that has grown up some as well over the years through all the bumps and bruises he’s had to deal with over the years. Our growth is what makes us the threats that we are in this tournament because neither one of us makes excuses and stays stuck in place. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for our opponents in round two in Bill Barnhart and Maki. You two? The way I see it? You two haven’t changed a damn bit since you’ve been here.
Bill is still pulling the same old crap that he always does. He’s still cutting the same old promo. He’s still the same guy that he was last year in Blast from the Past. He hasn’t evolved at all since he lost that tournament last year. I’m not going to speak too much about him because I know he’s Mac’s problem but the fact of the matter is, has Bill ever owned up to anything? Has he ever admitted that someone was better than him? Has someone who piles up the losses in the men’s division ever owned up to the fact that he’s the reason why he’s stuck where he is? No. It’s a toxic, endless circle for him. On social media he said one of the STUPIDEST things ANYONE in this tournament can ever say and that’s that he’s going to give Maki all the ring time in the world to try to win my title from me. THAT right there Bill… that is EXACTLY why after all this time in Sin City Wrestling, you’re STILL stuck on square one while someone like Mac zooms right on by you, defeats you in a match to get a step closer to the Roulette title and leaves you in the dust. It sounds to me like you’re trying to duck him after he beat you around the ring pretty damn good the last time you faced him. You’re always walking around, STILL making a fool of yourself and saying the dumbest nonsense and yet, you act dumb and act like everything’s okay in your career! It’s NOT! I hate to pinpoint this label on any wrestler, but since you’ve gotten here, you’ve been one of the biggest disappointments in the men’s division this side of Andrew Watts! You were fortunate that Joshua Acquin was your draw in round one because he’s far less ring ready than you are. But against Mac? Forget it! Considering that you haven’t changed one bit since your last encounter with him, I’m confident he’ll take care of you… now as for YOU… Maki…”
I take a pause and maintain my poise and confidence. While before, there was a small part of me that had worried about Maki at the start of the proceedings when I retained the title against her, such a worry wasn’t happening here.
“You want to spin my words and say that I’m being overconfident? Saying ‘we’ve got this’ is overconfident? No Maki, that’s just being confident. OVERCONFIDENT is saying ‘YOU HAVE NO CHANCE’ and I’m beyond the point in my career where I’m even thinking that about ANY opponent… including you: the most disappointing signing in the Bombshells division NOT named Alice Knight! OVERCONFIDENT, Maki, is what you were against me when I retained my Internet Championship against you back in October. You looked at me and you barely even bothered to know me or my career. You branded me in your promo leading up to that as some blonde bimbo who couldn’t wrestle and who showed my tits and ass all because of what you saw on the outside. From the day that you signed on the dotted line, you’ve been OVERCONFIDENT… way more confident than YOU have any right to be because you came in here with this attitude that you were the biggest impact signing of this company in a long time. You acted like you were the absolute shit, acting like you were better than everyone else but what happened when I beat you? You disappeared for a few months. You came back, you won a few matches, and you’re acting OVERCONFIDENT again. You’re acting like you’ve actually accomplished something here when you haven’t. ALL that hype for WHAT? For you to lose in a battle royal that would’ve made you the next world title contender? For you to lose to Jessie Salco? For you to lose to Seleana twice with the Roulette title on the line? For you to lose a recent Mixed Tag Team title match?
And despite ALL of your OBVIOUS shortcomings… you act like it NEVER happened!
You STILL walk into that locker room acting like you’re a WAY bigger star in this business than you actually are.
You learned NOTHING from our last encounter.
You haven’t owned up to ANY of your losses or ANY of your shortcomings and I KNOW this because you’re STILL the same old shit from before. You’re STILL cutting the same damn promo every single match you fight about how someone else is fake, how you’re going to knock someone out with the Makihouse kick, how you’re going to kick someone’s ass, how you’re SUPPOSEDLY such a BIG STAR, how the reason why you lost was some lame excuse or blaming someone else. You REFUSE to step up to a challenge because you’re THAT overconfident in yourself. Last week, you were bitching and moaning about Bill Barnhart and how you had to ‘carry him’, WARNING him to not screw this up or MAKIHOUSE KICK… talk about the most OVERHYPED move in the company by the way… and showing how LITTLE you respect this company in general, talking about how Sam Marlowe has only gotten to where she is because she beat ‘a bunch of nobodies’ and that’s not the kind of crap I stand for, Maki!
Not ONCE have you EVER shown any signs of growth as a professional wrestler since the day you got here! You’re completely blind with how badly you’ve screwed yourself over with your own ego. You’re completely ignorant of the fact that YOU and YOU ALONE are responsible for the fact that you have completely FAILED to live up to your own hype since the moment that you got here! Facing you again honestly feels like Electric Boogaloo to be honest… complete with the same old ‘champion of the internet’ tweets you pulled out of your ass the last time we faced each other. Hell, you were even able to throw a cheap shot at me when you were talking to Sam, saying that I was more at her level. What? I’m not world title material in your eyes? I shouldn’t be surprised you took that cheap shot at me considering that you’ve never thought highly of me in the first place. That right there shows your pure overconfidence when it comes to facing me, miss ‘worldwide superstar’. Just that cheap shot alone tells me what I have known all along about you and that’s that you learned virtually nothing from when I retained against you in a match that was more up YOUR alley!
Have you ever owned up to ANYTHING in your life? Seriously? Have you EVER admitted that you’re wrong? Have you ever sat back and thought ‘maybe I need to make adjustments to thrive in this company’? You haven’t. That’s why you’re still stuck doing the same old shit. That’s why you’re still stuck in place with NOTHING to your name in this company. All this HYPE about you when you first came in when the cold, hard truth is that you and Alice Knight ought to be sharing a room in the Sin City Wrestling Hall of Overhyped Disappointments! When I first got here, I got HALF the hype that you did and yet, in this company, I’ve accomplished DOUBLE, if not more than double, what you have. Myra Rivers: Longest reigning Bombshells Internet Champion, most defenses in a single reign and when this is over and I defeat you again, you can now call me the Bombshells Internet Champion with the most combined defenses when I do what no champion in my title’s history has ever done and that’s accomplish six defenses… something which no champion has ever done in a single reign or put together! So, while I continue my redemption journey, continue to own up to my shortcomings as a professional wrestler, learn to grow from them, and advance with Mac to the semifinals in the Blast from the Past tournament, you’re going to come back in your next match, whenever that is going to be, turn that camera on and do the same old shit all over again, crying about losing this tournament, blaming Bill Barnhart most likely because you can’t take responsibility for your own shortcomings CLEARLY, making these vague, empty threats about how you’re going to kick someone’s ass, and spamming the Makihouse kick mentions in your promo over and over and over again to the point where someone in Sin City Wrestling makes a drinking game out of it.
You’ll continue to do the same old shit over and over and over again all while spinning in the same, toxic circle, learning NOTHING from your imminent defeat and constantly showing that you’re far and away one of the least mature, least passionate people on this roster man or woman.
You’ll continue to be stuck in the same ol’ loop again, just like always and yet you’re still going to have the audacity to blame everyone else for your inability to learn anything and your subsequent consequence of continuing to fail to live up to your own hype. Sadly, I can’t want for whatever excuse you’re going to come up with once Mac and I are done with you, once we advance in this tournament and once AGAIN…I retain my SCW Bombshells Internet Championship!
My journey of redemption and winning a world championship that I can be proud of at last: no asterisks, no excuses and no bullshit, will continue on for another round and when Sunday comes and goes Maki… I’m going to make you regret being the overconfident, hypocritical disappointment you’ve been since the day you signed with this company!
One thing that I wasn’t regretting was the cold, hard truth that I expressed to Maki as I shut the camera off. I gathered myself, letting the passion flowing through me, allowing the confidence I had in myself to seep into my soul and continuing to let myself take on any challenge with the attitude of a future world champion, before I stood up and walked inside the suite, more ready than ever to take on the challenge ahead, continue my redemption journey to the top of the Bombshells division and make history once again as the SCW Bombshells Internet Champion.
