Violent Conduct…
I was pleased with my victory over Sam Marlowe, having retained my title against her in a match that I had every reason to be proud of. I had dressed out for the night and I had a curious glance at the “Rose Garden” segment with Andrea Hernandez and Christina Rose taking place on the flatscreen monitor in the corner of the locker room.
“I’m glad she’s making the effort to make friends… finally…” I said about Andrea. My pride that I was feeling in my former protege suddenly dissipated when I saw her kick Christina right in the side of the head! I gasped as my eyes widened in shock and that was all I was feeling when I saw the vicious beating that happened afterward. I was feeling sick to my stomach. My heart felt like it had broken.
“Did I not do enough?” I asked myself, doubting my efforts to prevent Andrea from doing exactly what she just did. “I knew she was at risk of going down this path and I was hoping that she never would! I did everything that I could in order to prevent her from doing this but… it wasn’t enough…”
I was feeling heartbroken and defeated. The way I was feeling it was equivalent to what the feeling of losing the Bombshells Internet Championship would’ve been like.
“She’s gone down the same dark path I went down and as a mentor, I failed her. I couldn’t save her…”
I signed and walked out of the locker room, clearly bummed by what I had just seen Andrea do. Little did I know that it wasn’t going to stop there…
CC 281…
My shock and disappointment came back to my soul when I saw Andrea give a brainbuster to Seleana Zdunich and basically knock her out cold. I managed to hold back tears, but seeing someone suffer not just through the same thing I went through as far as Andrea is concerned, but also seeing someone innocent in all of this suffer was just too much for me. I’ve not only seen this movie before… I lived it… as the very villain that had in the past, done the same thing that Andrea was doing to the likes of Christina and Seleana…
Seeing my former protege do this brought a sweeping guilt over my conscience and even with all of the progress I had made in Sin City Wrestling up to this point, I was truly beginning to doubt myself again.
“This is all your fault…” a dark voice said in my mind. “...if you didn’t abuse and torment Andrea the way you did back in GCW a few years ago, she wouldn’t be doing this. What she’s doing to other people now… this is on your hands… and you know it, don’t you?”
I didn’t like that chilling, dark feeling going down my spine again, but the guilt in seeing what I saw was really overbearing.
“You are responsible…” my internal darkness said to me. “...you try to fight for what’s good and what’s right, but the consequences of your past always come back to haunt you…”
“How am I going to make up for this?” I asked myself. Shutting off the television in front of me, I glanced at the SCW Bombshells Internet Championship that was lying by my locker. “How can I stop the past from haunting me? How can I move on with my reign if there’s always going to be reminders of what I used to be?”
These questions would be running on repeat for the next few moments as I grabbed my championship and left the room. That empty, harrowing feeling of seeing a secondhand consequence of how I once conducted myself wasn’t going away anytime soon… not when I felt like I was the one responsible for Andrea’s actions.
“If I never abused Andrea the way I did in the past… she wouldn’t be doing this now… I showed her how to be that way and I don’t know how I’m going to live with myself…”
March 2017…
“YOU ARE FUCKING WORTHLESS…” I had grabbed Andrea by the throat and I pinned her against the wall, completely choking her without a care in the world! “I have taken you under my wing for a whole year now and you STILL haven’t done ANYTHING!”
The suffering that Andrea was going through was bringing nothing but joy to the empty soul that I had at the time.
“The… tag titles…” Andrea was able to mutter to me.I kneed her hard in the gut and my hand on her throat prevented her from screaming.
“SHUT UP! You don’t get to talk! Yeah, the tag titles… but Chelsea won them for you… and when you LOST THE DAMN TITLES… proving how WORTHLESS you really are… I decided that maybe… just maybe I’m wasting my time on such a USELESS pile of TRASH like you… I don’t care if Chelsea got pinned, the tag titles are STILL your fault… EVERYTHING IS YOUR FAULT! You could’ve prevented that pin! You DIDN’T! YOU are the reason why I am losing control and power over GCW, god damn it! What do you have to say for yourself?”
I let Andrea’s throat go and I heard her whimpering. This brought a scoff out of me, almost mocking her in a sense. I grabbed her by the hair and dragged her to a locker, slamming her head right in it and grinding her face into it until I saw blood. I forcefully threw her to the ground enjoying every moment of the pain and torture I was putting her through. I pulled out an object from the locker.
“What do you have to say for yourself?” I asked again, kicking her in the chest. “Come on, TALK… you fucking dog…”
I kicked her in the chest again and while I heard Andrea whimpering and crying, I didn’t give a crap. I was gaining nothing but pleasure from what I was doing to her. I dropped down to my knees, revealing a taser, and I jabbed it in her ribs, shocking her.
“WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF? SAY SOMETHING!”
Andrea screamed when I shocked her again.
“It’s… it’s my fault…”
“Damn straight it is…” I said as I shocked her again. Her cries and sobs filled my heart with joy as I openly laughed at her. For good measure, I kicked her in the chest to keep her down before I walked out of the room…
October 20, 2020
I was gasping again as I shot up in my bed. I was shaking when I reflected on the flashback… or rather… the nightmare I just had about the abuse that I put Andrea through.
“Why?” I asked myself, experiencing the guilt of the flashback that I just dreamt about. I got out of bed, trying to figure out my own answers and while I walked out of my bedroom and made my way down the stairs, my internal darkness was taunting me again.
“Don’t act like you didn’t enjoy torturing Andrea…” it said to me. “...you can’t hang onto yourself much longer after seeing that. That title you have is one of the only reasons why you haven’t jumped off the deep end again…”
I walked through my kitchen and went outside to the pool.
“All these years later, and I’m still paying for my past actions…” I thought to myself. I sat down at the edge of the pool, dipping my feet in the water while looking at a reflection of myself. Thoughts about Maki and my upcoming title defense were starting to swarm me and there was a part of me that was frightened… not of my opponent, obviously… but the thought of losing her put some stress on me.
“What if you lose to her?” my doubts said to me in my conscience. “All of that hard work beating the women that you’ve beaten… all of that hard work being the champion that you’ve been… it all goes to waste and you know it! Defending the title on the biggest show of the year, that’s pressure enough… but to lose it before you even get there? How can you live with yourself for that?”
I shuttered my eyes, trying my best to seal off the doubts that my subconscious demons were trying to plant into my mind.
“Why would it be so bad?” I asked myself in my mind.
“Think about it…” my doubts told me. “...you can beat Kate, but not Maki? Wouldn’t it be embarrassing to lose to someone like that? You know it would! You’re just too nice to say it. But you can prevent it. Andrea showed you the way. She showed you that you can redeem yourself all you want, but in the end, it doesn’t mean anything because your sins will always come back to haunt you in your dreams. Why don’t you follow her example? Your efforts to save her were for nothing so you might as well just give in and torture Maki to the point where she could never wrestle again. It’s what you want. It’s what you crave. Just one more destruction of someone else’s livelihood…”
I opened my eyes again and stared into the pool, seeing my own reflection, but I also imagined an image of myself from a few years ago standing right by me. In a way, it was like I was looking into the face of the devil on my shoulder.
“You’re wrong…” I said in my mind to the imagined dark side reflection in the pool. “You’re trying to trick me so hard into caving in just because I am feeling guilty about not being able to save Andrea.”
“Maybe you should quit trying to save people…” my darker half said. “...you couldn’t even save yourself…”
“I won my title fair and square…” I reminded myself. “I didn’t need to take shortcuts to beat Kate for that title. I know that I was strong enough to beat her and just as strong enough to retain against her. I fought an amazing match with Sam… a match where I was able to bring so much prestige and dignity to my title…”
“It’s just ONE title you’ve gone about the right way…” the darker half told me. “...remember Carnage? How you won the title the second time? Remember how you destroyed Magdalena Lockheart? She hasn’t been the same since… and even THEN… you were trying so hard to be the good girl…”
I didn’t respond, the dark side in my conscience continuing to egg it on.
“Remember how you won the UWA X-Limits Championship the second time? Remember how you had someone else help you? Remember how you won your most recent world championship? Face the facts… being the nice girl is only going to get you as far as the Internet Championship… but giving in and embracing your demons again… it’ll take you to the world title that you KNOW that you crave. You can’t win a world championship being the nice girl… you haven’t done so in 10 years!”
I looked into the water even deeper and I saw myself winning my last world championship the way I had done in GCW almost four years ago. I remember how the champion in question basically had me beaten. I vividly relive the fact that I was done for in that steel cage… that there was no way that I was going to win. I remember how I slowly recovered and how my heart sank knowing that I was about to lose only to feel stunned when someone else slammed the cage door in his face. I remembered the conniving feeling in the pit of my stomach when I knew I had the GCW Global title in my grasp.
I vividly recall escaping the cage while the fans booed me out of the building and I was handed the Global Championship that I had just won without my own merits.
I relived the feeling of not giving a damn about how I did it. I relived the feeling of satisfaction of being a world champion without caring about the fact that I betrayed everything my mentor Scott Lockley had taught me.
When my own reflection was what I was seeing in the water again, I was dealing with the pain of knowing that the last world championship I’ve won up to this point in my career was won illegitimately. I briefly pondered what my insecurities were telling me, all while continuing to fight against that darkness that was trying to take control again.
“You can win a world championship just as you are…” I told myself in my mind. “You don’t need to listen to that. I know that you feel so guilty about what Andrea did. I know that you feel that her actions are your fault. I get that you feel that you showed her how to be that way. I know that things are hard right now with High Stakes coming up. I get that you’re feeling the pressure of defending the title against Maki knowing that if you lose this, you may not even be on the High Stakes card itself without the Bombshells Internet Championship. I understand your fear of such a letdown happening. But you’ve proven that you’re stronger than this. Would you have been able to get through your embarrassing loss to Bobbie Dahl largely unscathed if you weren’t? You can do this Myra… for yourself… for your redemption… for your championship… for the career renaissance that you’re experiencing right now… and most importantly, for your daughter. Don’t listen to your guilt. Don’t listen to that darkness.”
I sighed, feeling slightly better but that guilt was still burdening me.
“I know I can do this…” I said out loud. “I know I can get through this. I know I can beat Maki. I know that I can get to High Stakes with the Bombshells Internet title intact. There’s no way I am going to let any guilt or any doubt from that guilt bring me down. But how do I get past the guilt? How can I overcome the fact that what happened to Crystal and Seleana is my fault?”
“It’s not…” I heard the familiar voice of my sister say as she approached me. She was really concerned for me and I knew she pretty much heard everything that I had said regarding the guilt and my upcoming title defense. She kneeled down next to me and it was a freeing feeling for my doubts and my darkness to fade away for the moment.
“What are you doing up and awake?” I asked her.
“I can ask you the same question sis…” Adrianna told me. “I was woken up by the sound of the bedroom door being slammed and the kitchen sliding door opening and closing. I was just making sure that there wasn’t a robbery or something…”
“You shouldn’t be risking three lives for that…” I told my sister, referencing the fact that she’s six months pregnant with twin girls.
“It sounds like… you’ve got so much in your head….”
“I do… I just can’t get over Andrea…” I said with a guilty tone in my voice. “...then on top of that… Maki… that title defense. There’s just too much going on in my mind right now.”
“Sis… you’ll get through Maki. I wouldn’t worry so much about her. You’ve beaten how many women that are better than her? I get that the Andrea thing makes you feel like you’re responsible, but that doesn’t mean you just throw yourself into your spinning web of self-doubting and worrying again.”
“Andrea’s actions are making me question my own redemption…” I confessed to my sister. “...I try so hard to do right! I try so hard to be a role model for Kimberly. I do my very best to show that I can be a champion that this company can be proud of. I do my best to prove match in and match out that I am a complete, professional wrestler who has overcome her demons and has proven that she’s better than her past. Then something like Andrea happens and I start to question it again. I start to question if what I do is enough and if it ever will be. That’s why it’s throwing me out of whack, sis. I gave it my best to save Andrea… to do something good for her… for the Bombshells division… to prevent her from turning into what she turned into. I failed, sis. I dropped the ball. I’m worried that I’ll never be able to fully put my past behind me…”
Adrianna lets out a soft, understanding sympathetic sigh. The look on her face indicates much worry for me.
“It may not be consciously… but while I’m strong on the outside and continue to prove my strength by picking up big win after big win in Sin City Wrestling… inside… there’s a very small piece of me, every single day, asking a bunch of questions, doubting what I do, wondering if I will ever be enough. Every single day… I fear that I will slip up again. I fear that there’s going to be that ONE loss in the company that is going to send my insecurities spiraling out of control, consuming me all over again and regressing back to the abusive monster I used to be to people like Andrea…”
“You’re worried that losing to someone like Maki would be that one loss, aren’t you?”
I nodded my head, admitting this.
“She’s a personification of what I was before. If I lose to that… would I be able to hold on? It would be like my own demons beating me again. Every single day, I feel some type of guilt or remorse for the things that I’ve done whether it’s assaulting Maggie with the sledgehammer back in Carnage, whether it’s selling out to the UWA status quo while I was there, whether it’s nearly beating my former lifelong friend in Jazmyn Rain to death in GCW in the 7 Stages of Hell match or whether it’s all the abuse I ever put Andrea through. I think about how some of the wins I’ve had… if they went the other way… would I have been able to handle it? I know I pushed through Bobbie… but if I had lost to Amber…”
“Those bad Carnage memories could’ve triggered you if you did and you’d be hating yourself because of how things ended there…”
“You’re not wrong…” I admitted. “How would I have handled that? How would I have handled losing to Kate at Summer XXXtreme?”
“You would’ve felt buried…” Adrianna said in response.
“If my Internet Championship reign was only three weeks… knowing me… I would’ve been heartbroken and I’m not going to lie to you, it would’ve been damn tempting to assault Kate because I’d be feeling like… I don’t know… like I was robbed or something. God… what about Sam? I love her, but I know that a small part of me would’ve been upset about losing the title to her because it’s human nature to envy someone else. That could’ve led me to stabbing her in the back or something…”
“The important thing to remember is that you avoided that fate, Myra…” Adrianna said with an assuring tone. “...and even if you lost all those matches you mentioned, you’re much too strong now to fall back into old habits. You should give yourself more credit than what you’re giving yourself right now. You should… you know… believe in yourself better than that…”
“You’re not wrong…” I said with a soft chuckle. “But being through what I’ve been through…”
“I get it. It’s almost like beating a drug addiction in a sense: you stress and you worry about a trigger that could potentially send you down that downward spiral.”
“Does it make sense why I feel so awful about Andrea now?” I asked my sister.
“Considering everything you just explained to me with the fears and the worries that you have, even now, it does. What she did made you question your path… and I get that. But sis, you need to hear something that you almost never tell yourself with how hard on yourself you can be: it wasn’t your fault.”
“It wasn’t? But… the way Andrea acted… it was just like me in the past. I couldn’t save her and two innocent people got hurt…”
“It wasn’t your fault because you tried to be there for her,” Adrianna reminded me. “...she really needed a friend and that’s what you were to her. She didn’t appreciate it. She manipulated you. She never forgave you for what you did to her. She never got over her history with you. The way she thinks… the way she feels… the things that she does… that’s on HER, Myra. That’s not on you. It’s been three long years since you had abused her the way you did… and until a few weeks ago, she was above that. Aside from her grudge against you, she showed no signs of that abuse directly affecting her. SHE made the choice to do what she did to those two. SHE made the choice to let all the bullshit she was going through from her dad dying and the way the locker room was treating her affect her that way. Did you kill her father, Myra?”
“No…”
“Were you in ANY way involved with how some of the women in the locker room were treating her?”
“No… I even tried to help her through it.”
“Then it’s not your fault… and by the way, I’m not saying it’s the locker room’s fault. Yeah, certain girls treated her badly, but she’s the one that let it get to her so much. She was so far down the rabbit hole you had no chance of saving her. SHE is responsible for Christina and Seleana. Not you. You need to stop feeling guilty for what she chose to become… and you also need to stop worrying about Maki. You’re giving her way more importance than she deserves to have. You’ve got this, sis! You’re going to High Stakes. You’re going to face Seleana. You’re going to continue to silence the demons just like you’ve done your entire time in Sin City Wrestling and you’re going to show the company and its fans exactly what kind of champion that you are!”
I gave it a couple of minutes to process my sister’s inspirational words. A part of me was feeling like a bit of an idiot for worrying about Maki too much. The guilt that I was feeling about Andrea was melting away at a rapid pace. I took a deep breath to get my psychological balance back in order and then I looked at my sister with a reassured look on my face, nodding at her and acknowledging how right she was.
“You’re absolutely right sis, Andrea’s actions are not my fault. I’m sorry… I was letting that… and all the High Stakes spotlight and pressure get to me a little. I’m so glad that you’re here for me, Adri! I don’t know what I’d do without you sometimes!”
“I’ve stood by you longer than anyone else in your career. I wasn’t going to let you drown in your darkness. You’re on the right path. I get that things can happen that make you question and doubt on occasion, but you know better than most to not allow that, or your past, to define how you feel about yourself and the faith that you have inside of you.”
“Thank you!”
Adrianna and I exchanged a quick embrace. I slipped my feet out of the pool and stood up, then helped Adrianna do the same.
“Need anything?” I asked her, being sensitive to her pregnancy.
“I’m fine… but thanks! Good night sis!”
“Good night!”
I watched Adrianna walk to the door, opening the sliding door and re-enter my home. I looked at my reflection in the pool water feeling refreshed, confident and assured once again.
“I know who I am…” I said to the reflection in the water. “I know I am strong enough to never fall to those demons again. I know I am strong enough to continue being a shining example for this business. This week? When I beat Maki, slay a personification of my demons and move on to High Stakes… I’m going to prove how strong I am! There isn’t a darkness or a demon out there that is capable of bringing me back down to what I was before I got here. So to that demon trying to get back inside of my head? It’s time for you to accept that you don’t have power over me anymore…”
Taking a sigh of relief, I turned and walked back inside of my Miami home. That reminder of what I’ve become along with the reminder that I’m too strong to ever succumb to my own demons again and knowing the truth that Andrea’s actions were never my fault were enough to get me out of the hole I was in inside of my own mind. When I woke up the next day, the darkness and the doubts had disappeared from my mind. I was feeling like someone that was about to walk into High Stakes as the Bombshells Internet Champion.
For as good as Maki may be on the surface, for intimidating as this challenge may be, for as scary as the potential consequences of falling short this week may be… internally? I knew that I was strong enough to get through it. I wasn’t going to fear her. I wasn’t going to fear the possibility of a let down.
Because at the end of the day? I know how to silence a demon…
And on Sunday? That’s exactly what I am going to do…
October 23, 2020
Memories were flooding through me again, but this time, they were positive memories as I stood in an observation deck in the vicinity of Las Vegas, having a high enough and clear enough view to see Caesar's Palace. I could only smile when I reflected on how much that place meant for me and my career. I looked at the SCW Bombshells Internet Championship in my hands and with a sense of pride, I slung it over my shoulder. I made sure that the camera had enough of a focus to get Caesar’s Palace in the background and for a moment, I began to think about High Stakes: the grandest stage of them all on the Sin City Wrestling Calendar and how that was going to be full circle for me. Wrestling in a flagship Pay-Per-View in Las Vegas, the city where my big breakout moment happened, meant the world to me. But being able to defend the Internet title against Seleana on top of that? That REALLY was a dream for me… and I was about to express how I planned on making that happen with one more victory…
“In the background, you see Caesar's Palace. That place will ALWAYS have a special meaning in my heart because it was 12 years and seven months ago, in this very city, at that very location, where I wrestled in my first flagship Pay-Per-View event EVER in a match that made my career! That match was an 8 person briefcase ladder match that NOBODY gave me a chance to win. I had all of these demons crawling inside of my head and inside of the locker room… the demons of doubt… that kept dismissing me and thinking that I didn’t belong in the match or even in this business. Well, when I scaled that ladder, grabbed that briefcase and shocked the world, I not only silenced those demons and doubters, I became a MADE star on that night and I never looked back. I wouldn’t have been here today if I never won that ladder match and now? I’m focused on High Stakes! Deep in my heart, I BADLY want to go in there as the SCW Bombshells Internet Champion and have myself one amazing full circle moment for my career and I know in my heart that I have everything it takes to get there. But… before I get there, I have one more demon to silence… I have one more doubter to put to bed… and that’s Maki…
You see Maki, we both have quite a few things in common: the decorated career, the accolades, wrestling in companies all around the world and making a name for ourselves, and most importantly as it pertains to this match… we both have had demons in us in one form or another. I’m not referring to ‘Daniela’ here, I’m referring to other demons that lead us on a self-destructive path. I’m talking about doubt. I’m referring to insecurity. I’m referring to ego. I’m referring to arrogance and a ton of other words that are synonymous with those concepts. These demons, Maki? While they may give us a temporary high, what winds up happening is that we pay a price that is NOT worth it. At the end of the day, those demons lead us to our self-destruction and lead us down a winding path where ultimately, we’re left with nothing but an empty void. I’m not talking nonsense. I know what I am talking about. A few years ago, I was the most hated person in a fed named GCW where all I gave a crap about was power! All I cared about was being the best and I got a temporary high with my most recent world championship… but when I fell… I fell HARD! Life and karma gave me a massive kick in the ass and brought me one hell of a reality check… not unlike the reality check that Sin City Wrestling has given you from day one… am I right?
When you first got here, you were hyped… though mainly from yourself… as one of the ‘biggest signings in Bombshells history’. You’ve picked up a couple of nice wins here and there. You beat Sierra. You beat Sam… as much as it pains me to say. You beat Candy. But for someone who came in with so much hype like you have… for someone who came in with such a massive ego shoved up her ass… for someone who thought she was all that and then some because of what she had accomplished in other places in her career… you haven’t delivered the way you hoped, have you? Deep down, you know that! You know it pains you! Someone like you should be having better than a fifty-fifty record in this company… but you can’t seem to get over the hump. You had a chance to beat Amber Ryan in a triple threat. You didn’t. You had a shot at the Roulette Championship at Summer XXXtreme where you could’ve easily lived up to your hype and became a champion almost instantly. You didn’t. You were in a battle royal where you had another chance to break the ceiling and get a world title shot. But ultimately? You were completely forgotten about while the likes of Kate, Keira and Alicia outshined you. And yet… you have ANOTHER chance to get to the next level here and I hate to say it… but just like the other opportunities? You’re falling short again. The biggest reason for your lack of success by your own standards so far is the reason why I couldn’t get to the next level in places like UWA and Carnage: you are ALWAYS in your own way!
You let your EGO demon blind you! You display yourself as someone SO superior that you ACT like every match you fight, it’s an inevitable victory for you. Going into Summer XXXtreme, you were telling Jessie Salco that you didn’t belong. You spoke to Seleana, referring to her as a friend. You were inferring that Seleana was a Roulette champion that hadn’t done anything to elevate the championship when in reality, she's been one of the strongest champions we’ve had this year while she had the title. You said that you doubted anyone would remember her reign as Roulette Champion. Remember Maki, you lost this match… so you weren’t able to beat an ‘unmemorable champion that hadn’t elevated the title’... and you were inferring this crap to someone that you consider a FRIEND! That’s how self-absorbed and overgrown your own ego is. Your ego brought you down to size when Seleana won the match! You didn’t even finish in the final two of that match! THAT is how one of the ‘biggest signings in Bombshell history’ proves her worth in the clutch?
Listen to the way you talked to Jessie… it wasn’t just calling her someone that ‘didn’t belong’, going into Violent Conduct, that ego continued to further blind you when you were calling her ‘moronic’ and ‘pitiful’, when you were telling her she wasn’t the smartest tool in the drawer, when you’re hyping yourself up as someone who's held the biggest titles in the world… AFTER you had wanted to slam Sam Marlowe and anyone else for hyping up accomplishments… good going hypocrite… and you’re continuing to run her down as someone who has no wrestling intellect and speaking about how you’re going to move on to bigger and better things after you’re done with her… making all of these violent threats… and then after ALL of that, Jessie Salco beats you in the Chamber of Extreme. That’s a match you could’ve won Maki… even SHOULD’VE won… but you looked past Jessie so fucking bad because your own ego made you so blind that AGAIN, your ego held you back.; You LOST to someone that ‘doesn’t belong and who has no wrestling intellect’, so what the hell does that make YOU then? The worst part about your ego isn’t even the fact that you’ve been so hit and miss since you’ve been in SCW, the worst part is that no matter what happens, you don’t seem to learn ANYTHING!
No matter how many times the likes of Amber, Alicia, Seleana and Jessie put you in your place, you STILL come in with the ego! You STILL talk about how much you hate the world and how much better you are then everyone and how much of a worldwide star that you’ve been and blah blah blah, rinse, lather, repeat… and you still come in making all these empty threats overhyping the Makihouse Kick and making threats about that all while you show this division and this company that you haven’t learned from your shortcomings! Your ego is such a demon for you that you’re running around in circles doing the same damn thing, not even bothering to evolve ONE iota of who you are as a wrestler. Is that why you go from company to company to company so damn much? You couldn’t even stay in HYBRID after you had one Grand Championship match there and fell short. You never showed up in GCWA again after you got beat in their Warriors of the Ring tournament. Funny… I sense a pattern here with you and going from company to company after things don’t go your way. How do you expect to evolve and grow when you continue to stay stuck in the same loop… over and over and over again?
You don’t have a love for this business. You only have a love for your accolades, accomplishments and reputation… far more than a love for yourself even! I know all about ego, honey. Because I was in the same loop you are in. I was that woman that would go from company to company because she couldn’t get out of her own way. I was that woman who could never break the ceiling in UWA and Carnage because I refused to grow and evolve and I had that attitude of being better than everyone and feeling like I should be handed the world. I had that demon in me too…
We’ve had similar paths, all in all. I will be the first to admit that. But the difference between you and I is that unlike you, I DO learn from my mistakes. When I lost to Bobbie, I didn’t pout or cry about it. I didn’t make any excuses about it to save face. I walked in with a bit of an ego, admittedly, not realizing how tough it could be in Sin City Wrestling and that match knocked me on my ass. I could’ve gone into my next match taking the same damn approach but the reason why I was able to separate myself from people like you, Maki, is because I EVOLVED, I ADJUSTED! As a result, I’ve been able to handle the competition so damn well beating big names again and again whereas every time you have a chance to get to the next level, you completely flop for some reason. We both came in around the same time and you had FAR more hype than I did… yet I’ve been able to do SO much more because unlike you, I slayed my demons. I silenced my ego. I silenced my doubt… and speaking of doubt… there HAS to be some doubt in you about this match, ESPECIALLY after losing to Jessie Salco. THAT was a loss that you were NEVER expecting. I know what those are like. I know how much those sting. It makes you really wonder if you’re what you say you are. You rely on hating the world and being destructive and inflicting pain upon others because you doubt that you’d be anything in this business without it. I had that same attitude a few years back, Maki. I was OBSESSED with hurting other people that I forgot how to be a real wrestler and every single time I had to show I was a real wrestler, there was always a shred of doubt in my mind that I’d be able to pull through and more often than not, I would lose those matches. It’s no coincidence that when I focused on being a WRESTLER and not hurting other people and padding my accomplishments list, I started finding success again… REAL success! You are stuck in a time warp I know all too well because you are the personification of EVERYTHING I was when I was the most hated wrestler in Global Championship Wrestling!
If you weren’t such a self-doubter, you wouldn’t be bouncing from company to company to company and being so overprotective of your reputation. You wouldn’t be going, when the going get tough.
You’re exactly the same as I was a few years ago!
The obsession with destruction, the obsession with being better than everyone, being plagued by your own figurative demons…
The way you talk to other people, acting like you’re so superior to them…
It all comes from a place… or a demon rather… of insecurity! If you’re so damn great, why do you feel the need to advertise it every time you open your mouth? If you really believed in your reputation, why are you trying so damn hard to sell that reputation to a locker room that… honestly… could give fuck all about wehere you’ve been and what you’ve accomplished there. If you REALLY loved yourself, if you REALLY had confidence in yourself… why do you try so damn hard to bring other people down with your words? Why do you feel the need to call Andrea an idiot, Jessie a ‘delusional moron’, Mercedes a simpleton, and so on and so forth? If you really were secure with yourself, you wouldn’t be calling other people names and I can only imagine what kind of things you would have to say about me. If you really were confident in yourself, why do you insist on continuing to go down this path? It was said that you’re a decent human being when ‘Daniela’ wasn’t in control… but considering that most of the time, she wasn’t and you’re acting like such an asshole to everyone else, not even THAT is true! What you are Maki… is a real demon!
You’re a demon that will try to do anything and everything to try to drag people down. You’re a demon that is going to do whatever it takes and say whatever it takes to try to get into the heads of other people. You’re a demon that twists lies to try to make people doubt themselves in the same vain that you doubt yourself constantly. You’re a demon that is full of rage, full of hate and full of such self-centeredness that is desperate to have the world revolve around you because without this business, what’s left for you? You’re full of hate because somewhere inside your heart, you hate yourself and I know this because… once more with FEELING… I’ve BEEN THERE BEFORE! Unless you silence your own demons… unless you purge your heart of hatred… unless you evolve, grow and understand that this company is something different than where you’ve been before… unless you grow a real heart for this business and apply yourself for the love and the passion for this sport instead of being here just to win championships and hurt other people because ‘GRR! I HATE THE WORLD! GRR! I HAVE TO BE SUPERIOR TO EVERYONE’... then you are never going to reach your true potential in this business.
I know your game, Maki…
I know you’re going to try to throw useless barbs at me. I’m aware that you’re going to try to fuck with my head and try to plant seeds of doubt in me. I know you’re going to walk into that ring with hatred in your heart. You’re going to try to stop me from my High Stakes dream. You’re going to do everything in your power to crush me. But what’s going to happen on Sunday is that I’m going to silence you… just like I’ve been able to silence every other demon I’ve been able to overcome. I’m going to overcome a personification of my own demons to bring my career full circle and walk into High Stakes as the Bombshells Internet Champion.
Unfortunately for you, Maki, you’re facing someone who has been there and done that with exactly the kind of person you are… and that enables me to beat you knowing every inch of your psyche inside and out.
Sunday?
I silence a mirror image of what I was and continue to do good for this division, this company and this business…
...I punch my ticket to High Stakes.
...and NOTHING you say or do is going to stop me because you’re no different from all the detractors and critics I’ve ever met in my career…
On Sunday, I just prove another one wrong…
I maintain my determination glancing at Caesar’s Palace one more time, reminiscing about my breakout, star-making moment from 12 and a half years ago before I shut off the camera.
