Rock bottom. What does it feel like?
It’s the worst feeling in the world. When the window of opportunity feels like it has slammed shut and you have to deal with the cold, dark, hard emptiness that has just invaded your soul and you’re all alone in a room that feels just like the emptiness that you are experiencing. Rock bottom is not just the window slamming shut, but it’s also making you question everything that you have ever worked hard for. It has you feeling questioning everything that you were ever taught and how you were brought up in this wrestling business. It’s a feeling that I had been warned about many times as I came up in this business but a feeling that I had never experienced… not even when I was struggling to get anywhere in UWA or when I was trying so hard to break the ceiling in OCW.
Summer XXXtreme however… was another story...
Because once that was over?
I DID have that rock bottom feeling for the very first time.
The day after Summer XXXtreme…
Heartbreak. That’s something that I had been getting used to in the last few months. I was alone in my hotel room, cut off from everyone. The tears had already fallen at this point. My heart was cauterized. My soul felt like it had been sucked out of me. I had replayed that final pinfall at Summer XXXtreme over and over and over again. Nobody was getting through to me, not even my family. I was reading through some text messages from them and not ONE word that they had texted me was helping me feel better at all.
“It’s okay Andrea…” my mother tried to reassure me through a text message. “This family is still proud of you no matter what.”
“You’re going to get through this stronger than before…” my brother Eddie had texted me. “I know things feel like the sky is falling, but Dad trained you to be stronger than the adversity.”
My lack of response was definitely drawing some concern. My phone kept going off throughout the day and I wouldn’t respond to anything. The words of encouragement from my family felt hollow and empty.
“They can encourage me all they want…” I thought to myself. “...but I failed my father… I failed every last one of them. I put it all on the line. I know I wrestled better than I did at Into the Void. I had my father’s spirit within me… but I STILL lost. Evie pinned me… AGAIN…”
Just shuffling through all the words she had told me for weeks was painful. I looked around my own room, trying to find some answers but those answers just weren’t coming. This hellacious feeling wasn’t going to go away anytime soon as the inside of me kept feeling completely cold.
“There’s only one thing left for me to do…” I thought to myself. “Give up…”
This was the moment where the fire that was in me for so long was gone.
“I’m nothing but a flop. I’m nothing but a fluke. I can never face my family again knowing that I’ve let them down when they were all counting on me. There’s nothing left after this. There’s no more window. Evie was right… I really was just a fluke, fairy tale Cinderella story that just happened to get hot at the right time. I really am another Electra Styles or another Polly Playtime, aren’t I?”
My fighting spirit was gone after Summer XXXtreme. Most wrestlers reach this breaking point that I had reached at this moment at one point or another at some point in their careers and at this point, I knew I had reached this myself. I wasn’t sure if I was just cold and empty from it all or if I was just stunned that it just blindsided me out of nowhere. The words ‘Evie was right” kept flashing in my head over and over and over and I just couldn’t get them out of my mind no matter how hard I tried. For most of the day after Summer XXXtreme… I was completely frozen. I barely moved and stayed glued to my bed, only bothering to have room service once the entire day.
I was a ghost. Losing a world championship match wasn’t what was destroying me. Prior to losing the world title, I had done that a couple of times already.
What was destroying me was failing my father… on top of the fact that he was no longer around to get me out of this.
“Am I ever going to be the same again?” I asked myself in my head. “Am I ever going to be able to do this without my dad?”
Rock bottom.
It sure arrived quickly.
I knew in my soul that nothing had been right since my father died, which in and of itself was bad enough. But worst of all?
I had no idea how the hell I was going to escape…
A few weeks later…
“I don’t deserve it…” I said on the night of Climax Control #278 over the phone after I had been pulled away from a conversation with Christina Rose on live television a little bit ago. “...why am I even in this battle royal at all? I had my rematch. I blew it and proved that I was just nothing but a fluke…”
“Andrea… you’re better than this…” I heard the voice of Clarissa Vega say to me. “...remember what we talked about? How you don’t HAVE to carry on the legacy of your family anymore? This is the perfect platform to break away and not carry that pressure on your shoulders anymore because more than anything, your family is the reason why you’re going through what you are. That pressure they have always put on you to never disappoint them has finally worn you down, don’t you see that?”
“Did you hear what they were saying about me?”
“Who?”
“My opponents…”
“Andrea…”
“Maki in the nicest, most roundabout way called me stupid…”
“Yeah. So?”
“Kate Steele is calling me old news.”
“Andrea, please! Even if you WERE old news, being old news is still better than never being news at all and when has Kate ever been news anyway?”
“Kate and Jessie are talking about being jealous and envious of me… like… what did I even DO to them to deserve that?”
“Let them be envious, Andrea! Their words don’t mean anything. Come on! Snap out of it! These are just silly, empty words that you’ve overcome millions of times and now you’re just going to let them affect you as if they’re true? Something is not right with you…”
“You don’t need to tell me twice…”
“We’re going to have a talk, okay? I’ll meet you backstage after the show… and don’t worry… I’ve got access this time…”
“Yeah… sure…” I said as I hung up the phone without much of a fight. The battle royal was coming up and try as I did to get myself hyped up for it, I just couldn't. My soul was still feeling empty. I kept asking myself what the point of even fighting that battle royal was going to be if I wasn’t going to win.
“I don’t deserve this… I don’t deserve this…” I kept telling myself again and again. “I don’t… I don’t deserve this at all… my window is closed… I’m just going to let down my family again… there’s no point in even winning this match when Evie’s just going to make me her bitch again… I don’t deserve this… I’m a failure to my dad… I’m nothing but a fluke… old news… flash in the pan….”
The worst part about what was clearly becoming a darker spiral for me by the day was that on this particular evening, my own self-inflicted psychological torture hadn’t even happened yet. That would be the battle royal.
I was nothing but a ghost in that match. Wrestling a match that you feel like you don’t deserve to be in is one of the coldest feelings in the world. Fighting when your heart’s not in it whatsoever, when you don’t even want to be in the match at all, it’s one of the most awkward experiences that any wrestler can go through. When I hit the floor after my elimination and I went backstage… I felt NOTHING.
My give-a-crap was gone.
For whatever reason, I just could not get over the feeling of letting down my father. I knew that rock bottom was clearly gripping me when I fought a match that inside, I wasn’t giving a crap about and when I just accepted being eliminated and just accepted being the failure that I felt like I was increasingly becoming…
After CC 278…
In the locker room, I was already grabbing my stuff and preparing to head out without even seeing who won the battle royal or even how the end of the show turned out. I was going through the motions at this point just wanting to move on and just forget that this night ever happened. I heard the door open up behind me, but I paid it no mind. I hung my head and looked down at the floor, again feeling lost without my father. I leaned my head against the locker room trying to feel something… ANYTHING… but I just couldn’t….
“You really don’t give a crap anymore, do you?” I heard the voice of Clarissa Vega behind me. I turned to look at her and I wasn’t even happy to see her. “You don’t even have to say it, Andrea. I already know. You’ve given up. You didn’t even TRY to win the battle royal. You’re SO much better than what you placed and everyone in the world knows that… but you just… stopped giving a damn. Ever since you lost the title and lost your father in such a short amount of time… you’ve just been a shell.”
“Tell me something I didn’t already know…”
“It hurts my heart to see this, Andrea…” Clarissa stated with a tone of concern in her voice. “And the WORST part is that NONE of this would’ve happened if you were just YOURSELF and not focused on your fucked up family! You put ALL this pressure on yourself and you’re just giving up because you feel like you’re failing your dad! I’m sorry… SOMEONE has to tell you this… but you’re not daddy’s little girl anymore. Daddy’s been dead for months now, Andrea. It’s time to get over it!”
This instantly ticked me off as I grabbed her by the collar, spun her around and plastered her against the locker room.
“WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM?”
Clarissa wasn’t scared by my sudden outburst. In fact, she was smiling which clearly confused me.
“See… where has that fire been lately, Andrea?”
I calmed down and let her go, obviously not wanting to hurt her.
“When have I ever sugar coated anything for you? Your heart… your fire… your desire… it’s gone. When Evie Jordan pinned you at Summer XXXtreme, you gave up. You accepted being Evie Jordan’s bitch and you decided that you didn’t deserve to be in this battle royal. You decided that you weren’t even going to try anymore because you weren’t going to have your heart broken again. You’ve given up… and that’s honestly quite sad…”
“But I tried my best out there and…”
“You half-assed it out there, Andrea… quit lying to yourself. You’re a void. You just… what? Let ALL those opinions that DON’T matter get to your head that much and when they’re ‘proven right’... you just give up and half ass it? This all goes back to your family and somewhere in there, you know that. If you weren’t fighting for them, you wouldn’t have had SO much at stake at Summer XXXtreme… and without SO much at stake… you wouldn’t be feeling the way you are right now. You’d STILL have that fire… but it’s gone… and you need to get it back…”
“You’re right…” I admitted to Clarissa, no matter how much it pained me. “...it’s gone. Without my dad I feel like… I’m nothing…”
“It doesn’t have to be that way! You can get that fire back! I KNOW that you will! And I know how you will….”
“How?”
“The hate…” Clarissa’s response baffled me, causing me to raise my eyebrows. “...you’ve been one of the most hated people in this company for some time now. They hate that you’re different than they are. They can’t stand that you didn’t get by doing things the old fashioned way. They can’t stand you because they’re not you and it’s about time you take that hate and you go up to every single one of those haters from Keira, to Kate, to everyone in between and shove that hate straight up their asses!”
“I couldn’t, Clarissa… that’s not who I am…”
“I don’t think that’s true… that’s EXACTLY who you are! You’re a HERNANDEZ, remember? Your whole entire family is full of self-centered, two-faced bastards!”
“...yeah… you’re not wrong about that… but I could never… it’s just… I can’t imagine myself being that way…”
“How else are you going to get that fire back, Andrea? Imagine the FREEDOM! You’re suffering because you’re trying SO hard to be the good girl, but the whole locker room sees right through you. You’re not the good girl. You never were. You have EVERYONE laughing at you now. The way to respond isn’t to keep going the way you are… the way to get that fire back and get back to the top is to… well… wreck everyone in your path and show them who the fucking boss is! Imagine the freedom of being who you REALLY are…”
“What you’re describing… it’s impossible… it’s not in my nature.”
“But having no fire and being a god damn QUITTER is?”
“Maybe it’s better than just being ‘old news’, ‘stupid’, ‘someone who doesn’t want it anymore’, the object of hatred in the locker room aside from Christina…”
“...and me…”
Clarissa and I were both surprised at Myra Rivers’s sudden appearance and she wasn’t looking all too happy right now.
“You mind leaving Andrea alone, Clarissa?”
“I’m telling her the truth here! I’m trying to help her! I’m trying to get her to see that she needs to break away from her family and to stop putting pressure on herself and to basically tell all of her haters to fuck themselves. What’s wrong with that?”
“I’m just as concerned about Andrea as you are… but you’ve got a fucked up way of motivating her…”
Clarissa just scoffed and laughed.
“You can’t talk, Myra… you know… part of this is YOUR fault too…”
“How?” I asked Clarissa.
“Myra being a good girl and being your surrogate big sister doesn’t erase all the shit she put you through in GCW and even she knows that!”
“Andrea… we REALLY need to talk… how about next Sunday after 279?”
“I’M talking to her…”
“Clarissa…” I said to her. “Leave it! What I need right now is a friend… someone that can… get me through this… the right way… Myra… I’ll see you in a week…”
Myra walked in my direction and opened the locker room door as she walked past me.
“I don’t know what’s on your mind, Clarissa…” Myra told her. “But there’s only ONE person that has what it takes to get through to her and that’s me.”
Clarissa rolled her eyes as Myra walked out and I began to leave.
“Andrea…” Clarissa said, causing me to pause and look at her one more time. “...throughout your whole career… for all the friends that you’ve had… I’m the ONLY one that has NEVER stabbed you in the back, abused you, or lied to you. I’m the ONLY friend you’ve ever had that’s been real with you from the beginning. When you have your little girl chat with Myra… remember that… and you can meet me here... “ Clarissa paused to hand me a slip of paper… “when you’re done talking to her…”
I rolled my eyes, wanting nothing to do with Clarissa’s aggressive nature toward me. I was confused by her recent attitude in fact. I knew that she never really liked my family, but to try to push me to be something else entirely… something that just wasn’t in my nature… it felt so awkward and so unlike her. But Myra though… I KNEW she was the only one that could really help me get through this…
One week later…
Myra and I met inside of her Saxon suite and I still wasn’t feeling much better than I was feeling seven days prior. There was some awkward silence for a few minutes while she wrote down some stuff on a small piece of paper. Once she finished with that, she looked at me and I can see the concern in her eyes.
“I’m worried about you…” she told me.
“Why?”
Myra widened her eyes in disbelief before she answered me.
“Do you need me to recap it? Not only are you half-assing battle royals, but… I don’t know… I was very disturbed by that conversation Clarissa was having with you. I heard everything. That’s on top of the fact that… well… where do you want me to begin? I’ve tried calling you since Summer XXXtreme. I’ve tried texting you. You just ignore me when I’m just trying to talk to you. We had just ONE encounter on television and even then, you looked like you’d rather be somewhere else. I understand that you’ve been going through way too much, but this is too far.”
“I’ve needed time to myself, Myra.”
“I understand but…”
“Clarissa did make a good point though…” I said, interrupting her. “...you know… when she mentioned what you put me through in GCW…”
“I was in a bad place at that time and you know that, Andrea. It’s no excuse for all the shit that I put you through and there will never be enough apologies for the way I treated you. But that’s the thing… I’m scared for you. I’m worried that you are on a path that is going to lead you straight into total darkness…”
I addressed Myra’s concerns with a laugh, not taking them seriously at first.
“Myra, come on! Let’s not be overdramatic.”
“I’M overdramatic? Says the woman that has given up because she thinks that she failed her father and who just woke up one day and said ‘I’m Evie’s bitch. The end’.”
“Have you seen my win-loss record, lately?”
At this moment, Myra slammed down the paper she was writing on that had highlighted my shortcomings in the last few months.
“Ever hear of context?” she asked me. “Evie beat you for the title, nothing we can say about that. That tag team match with you, Alicia, Christina and Roxi… no matter how certain people want to claim that it’s your fault… you weren’t the legal wrestler. It’s not your fault that the referee didn’t know what he was doing… so quit blaming yourself for that…”
Myra’s increased tone of voice shook me a bit.
“You need to quit being a baby about your most recent matches and look beyond the numbers, Andrea. You took a referee’s error THAT personal that you felt like you let your father down and you turned it into this big event that it never should’ve been when in reality, you had no business even wrestling so soon after he died. You chipped away at your own confidence, Andrea, by taking it for something it never was. Then you had that mixed tag… that wasn’t your fault. It was Griffin that ate the pin, not you! Let me ask you something, Andrea… do you WANT to be Griffin?”
The mention of Griffin Hawkins, who recently was the men’s world champion and who suddenly disappeared after losing the title three weeks later shook me even more and began to bring me to my senses.
“You at least retained the title once. Griffin… that poor guy… busted his ass for years to be a world champion in SCW and three weeks later, that dream is snatched from him in such cruel fashion! Hey! Similar situation to you! Got to live the dream! Got that dream taken from him a lot sooner than he wanted it to be… by someone that’s just a massive shit talker and spews a lot of shit that could never be true because it’s all a bunch of mind games. Griffin disappeared… you’re still around! Do you WANT to SERIOUSLY go that route?”
“No…” I said, largely hushed.
“Then there was… Summer XXXtreme… your confidence further down the gutter because of the last three matches that you wrestled prior to that… you lost because you never really believed you could win… add the pressure of trying to make your family happy… you were a mess. You were out of it before the match even started. Instead of sticking to who you are, you’re cursing out Evie over her empty words that never meant a shit? Do you see what I am getting at here? You made a serious mountain out of many molehills and THAT’S why you’re where you are…”
I wasn’t liking Myra’s tone toward me. Granted, she wasn’t wrong, but for some reason, Myra’s attempt to get through to me was annoying me more than usual. I don’t think I need to go further into this, do I?
“You don’t…” I told her. “I hear your message loud and clear. I’ve listened to other people run me down for so long… but… how in the hell does all this warrant you being worried about me making the same mistakes you made? I don’t see it. I’ve been through shit… but it’s not going to turn me into that…”
“Andrea, do you realize how many times I dedicated certain matches to my mother earlier in my career and lost them and how much they hurt? Seven years ago, I lost what I THOUGHT was my last match… a match that I dedicated to a daughter that I had just found out that I was pregnant with… and it fucking destroyed me… the same way losing Summer XXXtreme… an event you dedicated to your father… destroyed you. That’s the first step toward losing yourself…”
“It’s a coincidence…” I said with denial.
“When I returned to wrestling two years later… I was going through the motions. Yeah, I won a title during that title… somehow… but I felt empty and I felt like nothing I was doing had a purpose anymore. I was still hurting from letting my then-unborn daughter down. I saw other people being in a spot I felt like I was entitled to and… I lost it. I snapped. I became the most reviled, hated bitch in professional wrestling… then you and Chelsea came around and… you know that story. You’re going through the same thing right now…”
“Myra…” I said, with a worried tone in my voice. “...I get it… but I PROMISE YOU… I’ll even swear on my dad’s grave when I say this...I’m NOT going down that path. I SAW what that path did to you. I EXPERIENCED your darkness, I FELT that pain that you were going through via ALL of the abuse that you put ME through. After EXPERIENCING that path and what that’s like because of YOUR abuse… WHY would I even THINK about going down the same path you did five years ago? You don’t trust me?”
Verbalizing this annoyed me more than I can put into words.
“I can’t believe you, Myra! I can’t believe you would THINK that I’d be the same fuck up piece of SHIT you were when you mentored me!”
“I never said that, Andrea…”
“Whatever! You know what, don’t even talk to me! Okay? You have no right to even talk to me about any of this when YOU were the original doubter that I had! Hey, I was NEVER supposed to amount to ANYTHING, REMEMBER? I was the one that was ALWAYS going to be Chelsea’s BITCH, right? I was ALWAYS going to be beneath her? I was ALWAYS the one that was NEVER GOING TO BE A WORLD CHAMPION OR A MAIN EVENT STAR, REMEMBER THAT MYRA? HUH? REMEMBER WHEN YOU TOLD ME ALL OF THAT SHIT!”
“Andrea… calm down…”
“FUCK OFF, Myra! Seriously! You know… I want to thank you because you reminded me that I can prove ANYONE’S bullshit wrong… that I’ve done it before… that I’ll do it again! You’ve lit that fire in me again Myra… so THANK YOU! THANK YOU for the reminder that YOU were the BIGGEST CRITIC I’VE EVER MET and I… PROVED… YOU…. WRONG!!!!!!
Myra can only sit there in shock as I stood up.
“THANK YOU, YODA….” I said with further anger in my voice. “...now FUCK OFF… don’t speak to me again…”
I began to walk away.
“Andrea…”
I didn’t listen to her as I walked out the door.
“How DARE she insult me, thinking I could EVER be like her…”
One hour later…
Arriving near an empty Ceasar’s Palace, I found Clarissa at the location we were meeting at. She saw me and smiled, liking the fact that I had arrived.
“Andrea!” She said with a smile. “I take everything with Myra went well?”
“Let’s talk, Clarissa…”
Clarissa maintained her smirk as we both walked to our meeting place together…
September 11, 2020
The camera was on me and I was already feeling angry. The fire that Myra had lit into me in the most unorthodox of ways was still burning very strong. I didn’t know if it was a temporary fire that was just going to get me through this next match or not, but I was feeling pretty damn good about myself as I stood in a mock church setting, ready to express my thoughts. That feeling of anger was about to permeate in the words that I was about to express.
“I’ve had it…” I admitted to kick off the promo. “I’ve had it with everyone thinking that they can just label me this and label me that. Hey Kate Steele, you know when you called me ‘old news’? Look in the mirror. Even if I WAS old news, it’s still better than being no news at all, isn’t that right, Miss Tier 2 Wrestler that Has NEVER Been an SCW World Champion? Hey Maki… why don’t you fuck off with your little side comment about my intelligence? If I had a dollar for every time someone in this company called me ‘stupid’ in every which way, then I’d be so rich I’d own SCU and SCW myself! It’s not like YOU’VE ever done anything special in this business, have you? Why don’t you take your ass back to other companies like HYBRID Wrestling where you failed to live up to the massive overhype that company placed on your shoulders? Hey Jessie… why don’t you take your comments about me and shove them up YOUR ass? You can’t talk about fire and passion when you’ve never had it in you to be the world champion. Hey Kate… about those bridges? Yeah, maybe I’ve burned them with some words I’ve said in the past. But you know what? It’s not my fault that people can’t take my words and get so damn offended by them, you included. You wanted to release your frustration out on me, like I’m your damn stepping stone?
Fuck you! I’m NOT your stepping stone. I’m NOT ANYONE’s pushover!
For MONTHS, so many of you have tried talking down to me and I’m just DONE with it!
What frustration, Kate? The fact that you’ve never been tier one in SCW and you never will be?
And my opponent this week… oh she can fuck off too! I’m done holding back! I just… I can’t stand this anymore! It seems like every bombshell around here wants to make me a scapegoat for everything. ‘Oh Andrea… it’s YOUR FAULT that the bombshells world title lost prestige after Alicia Lukas! ‘Oh Andrea… it’s your fault that this division isn’t in the best shape that it should be in.’ ‘Oh Andrea… it’s your fault that Evie Jordan has had the title for so long and that nobody wants to face her’
Sound familiar, Keira Fisher? Why don’t you fuck off right on out of here with that. Nobody gets to use me as their fucking scapegoat and that especially applies to you. You talk all this shit about me before the battle royal, right? Oh it’s MY FAULT that the battle royal was even a thing? HOW? How is it MY fault that people don’t want to challenge Evie for the title? HOW? Oh right… ‘Andrea’s fault’... that’s the most popular fucking game in the SCW Bombshells locker room… everyone hates Andrea, everyone shit on Andrea, everyone talk all this shit about her that can never be true because we have nothing good to say about her at all! You’ve NEVER had anything good to say about me considering the two matches that we’ve had in the past. And YOU want to jump on the ‘ANDREA BLEW IT’ bandwagon when YOU of all people don’t have the right to talk about ANYONE ELSE blowing it. You want to act like you’re the shit, right? You want to act like you’re on some kind of roll, right? RIGHT… because being on a roll includes losing TWO Bombshell Roulette Championship matches, doesn’t it? At Summer XXXtreme, you couldn’t beat Seleana for the title and you had another chance at her recently. Did you beat her and win the championship? NO! You DIDN’T! She beat you again! Oh… and that’s without mentioning that… wait… you had a title shot recently against Kate Steele too right? For the Internet Championship? And you lost that too!
Don’t come to ME about ‘blowing it’ when hey… YOU blew it too in the battle royal, did you not? Don’t act like you have any right to talk to me about blowing opportunities when the only thing YOU blow more than Roxi Johnson on a consistent basis is title opportunity after title opportunity again and again and again. Yeah… the person that has held ONE championship in her ENTIRE Sin City Wrestling career SOMEHOW has the right to talk about someone else blowing a world title opportunity when not only have they never been good enough to even come CLOSE to an opportunity, but they haven’t been a singles champion in Sin City Wrestling in over FIVE FUCKING YEARS! And even THEN? Your pathetic excuse of a Bombshells Roulette Championship reign lasted even shorter than my world title reign did. At least Evie Jordan has main event credibility. Who did YOU lose that title too? Melanie Gabrielle? Who the FUCK is Melanie Gabrielle? Is it my fault you lost the battle royal too, Keira?
You know what… I’m going to go ahead and say that it is because EVERYTHING is my fault around here! I take the blame for everything, Keira.
It’s my fault that you’ve just NEVER been good enough to get out of Roxi’s shadow no matter how much you fucking try! It’s MY fault that you’ve had TWO chances to beat me in one on one competition and you couldn’t get it done! Hell, while we’re at it, why don’t we also say that it’s my fault that Keira Fisher couldn’t get the job done THREE TIMES in recent title match opportunities. Yeah, it’s my fault that you lost to Kate because… oh I don’t know… maybe you saw my breasts on the Internet one time and got distracted. It’s my fault that you lost to Seleana twice because… I don’t know… maybe it’s because you fantasized about screwing me under the sheets with Roxi in a three way just before you had a chance to stop Seleana from winning at Summer XXXtreme and maybe when you faced her one on one, you thought about what I looked like in a bikini shoot right at three when Seleana pinned your dumb ass!
IT’S ALL MY FAULT KEIRA… that you’re the CHOKER OF CHOKERS of Sin City Wrestling!
Sounds ridiculous, right?
That’s because it IS ridiculous! As ridiculous as you HATING ME because I ‘put the battle royal upon everyone’... and YOU of ALL people are walking around ‘extracting sins from people’? Get the fuck out of here with that nonsense, Keira! Seriously! You try and you try and you try so hard to be relevant and to get to the next level, but all you do is fail. Maybe I’ve been down in the dumps lately. Sure, I’ve had my failures in the world title scene. Yeah, I fucking flopped in the battle royal. Everyone has a bad night, Keira… let’s see how much you exaggerate the shit out of that because hey, you know what else is a popular game around here? Exaggerating all of Andrea Hernandez’s shortcomings to make them look WAY worse than what they actually are! Are you going to mock me for that four match losing streak I had at one point when two of those four losses were because of a bullshit referee in a tag team match who didn’t know what he was doing at that time and when another was a partner of mine getting pinned? Remove those and who else has beaten me? The current world champion! Even through ALL of this fucking bullshit I’ve had to deal with for the last few months, the ONLY two bombshells that have EVER pinned me… legitimately… without any referee fuck ups or anything of the sort… are Alicia Lukas and Evie Jordan… two women who… I don’t have the greatest feelings for at all… but YOU can’t talk shit about me losing to them when YOU’VE never come close to being in their league! Even if you DID win the battle royal… what’s it matter?
You would’ve lost against Evie anyway…
Because choking in championship matches is the one thing you do in Sin City Wrestling better than ANYONE else!
The ONLY reason I was EVER in ANY sort of slump… aside from bullshit refereeing and tag team matches where I couldn’t catch a break in… was because I LET IT HAPPEN! The only reason that fire in me wasn’t there in the battle royal was because I allowed someone else to extinguish it! The only reason why that early elimination ever happened was because I was going through the motions and not giving it my best at all because I was being STUPID and I was allowing other people in this company to control how I feel about me when in reality? It NEVER should’ve mattered… and those words that you said about me before the battle royal and anything that you might say to me going into this match?
They don’t matter. They never could! Because I am DONE letting other people influence me! I’m not JUST talking about HATERS like Kate Steele and Evie Jordan! I’m talking about a certain mentor of mine who thinks that she knows everything! I mean… shit, I love Myra to death, but god, I REALLY didn’t help my own cause seeking her advice when all along, I could do it on my own. I’m talking about my family. This isn’t about my family anymore. I’m breaking free from that because at the end of the day, while I love my family and they’ve supported me along the way, none of their support is going to push me to victory. I’m not going to win matches with words of encouragement and a bunch of rah-rah speeches. I’m going to win matches by being the PRODIGY that I’ve been ever since I got on a roll as a singles star… where more often than not… someone usually beats me because I ALLOW THEM to be better than me… because I’ve been stupid enough to let their empty words psyche me out and get to my head. Daddy’s little girl doesn’t exist anymore, Keira. The Phoenix doesn’t exist anymore. The Phoenix is dead! I can’t say I know EXACTLY who I am just yet… but I know that no matter WHAT people say or HOW people try to spin shit… they can NEVER take away the fact that I am one of the most prodigious bombshells to hit this company in a long time and maybe that’s why I’m so hated in the locker room… because you have long time women like you, Kate and Jessie that have ‘wanted this’ for so long, but someone like me cuts in front of them and wins a world title before they do. Maybe that’s why everyone tries SO HARD to spin shit that isn’t real.
Me losing X amount of matches in a row is a ‘slump’ and a HARD DOWNFALL… who CARES if the context is my dad dying a couple of screwy tag team matches and wrestling a fluky battle royal where my heart was never in it to begin with…
Look at someone like SAM MARLOWE… she’s done nothing but hit a WALL in 2020 to the point where she’s writing letters to Christina Rose and questioning whether she even has it anymore… BUT NOBODY IS CALLING IT A SLUMP!
Look at Roxi Johnson… from world champion… to someone that’s losing on the regular to newcomers like Amber Ryan and who went from world champion to losing to Kate Steele… but NOBODY IS CALLING IT THE DOWNFALL OF ROXI JOHNSON are they?
Look at Violet Amelia Holt… one of the biggest LOSERS in this division who’s lost 3 times as many matches as she’s won… but NOBODY is calling it a SLUMP because SOMEHOW she was Roulette Champion for 2 weeks and that gives her a free fucking pass.
But ME? Oh I go through some shit and OH MY GOD, ANDREA IS OLD NEWS! OH MY GOD! ANDREA IS ON A DOWNFALL when what? Basically EVERY loss I’ve had the last few months is tied to the world championship in some way… but it’s a SLUMP, a DOWNFALL, a DECLINE, and I’m OLD NEWS!
You… Miss Fail To Win the Internet and Roulette Championship Three Times Combined… but nobody’s calling it a slump with YOU, are they?
I’ve had it Keira… I’ve had it with letting other people define me. I’ve had it with letting other people beat me whether it’s because my heart isn’t in it or because I surrender psychologically to my opponent before the bell even rings. I’ve had it with the hate. I’ve had it with the insults. I’ve had it with other people thinking they know me! I’ve had it with being everyone else’s scapegoat. I’ve had it with running away from it all. This Sunday, I’m fighting against all of that… at last… and it all starts with YOU… the biggest SINNER of them all… LUSTING after glory you’ve never had, being GREEDY for opportunities that you don’t deserve… being VAIN and posting your stupid little bikini pics on Twitter here and there… being such a SLOTH that instead of DOING SOMETHING to CHANGE the outcomes of your opportunities and actually EVOLVE, you’re STILL satisfied with being shadow bitch… being a GLUTTON for punishment with how you REFUSE to even EVOLVE ONE IOTA of who you are as a wrestler… and most of all… being ENVIOUS of people like ME that rightfully cut in front of you and achieved the glory YOU’VE always wanted but never been good enough to have.
Envy…
Hey, maybe you should extract that sin from most of the locker room, Keira…
Then maybe they can all quit having an excuse to hate me for no fucking reason other than being a bunch of petty, jealous bitches that have never had anything good to say about me.
Take all of those sins and shove them up your ass, Keira. I’m DONE listening to people like you that think they have a right to judge me.
I shut off the camera and looked around the church, feeling conflicted about all the anger I unleashed that this sudden fire raging within sparked into me. While I felt good, a part of me felt guilty knowing that it was unlike me to unleash such anger and fury.
“God please forgive me…” I said… “what is happening to me?” I asked with some concern for myself as I walked out of the church… not knowing for sure whether this sudden rage and fire was a good thing or not...
