-The Pot And Kettle-
“Lids a-rattlin’, belchin’ steam!
Life ain’t nothin’ but a fevered dream!
‘You’re a lowly villain!’
‘YOU’RE a terrible liar!’
...but we’re both here cookin’ on the same old fire.”
(We open to see Jack Russow lying on his couch with his hand covering his eyes. Alanah O'Connell enters and folds her legs under her on the couch, lying over to rest her head on Jack's chest.)
Alanah O'Connell: Penny for your thoughts, love?
Jack Russow: We shouldn't be here.
Alanah O'Connell: Love, I want to find Mattie just as much as you do and I'm afraid for Mack but you have a responsibility…
Jack Russow: ...but what if I didn't?
Alanah O'Connell: I beg your pardon?
Jack Russow: I don't know babe...I thought setting out on my own to make my own name would be a thrill...that it'd be exciting. But I'm...I'm miserable.
Alanah O'Connell: Is it about your losses?
Jack Russow: No, no...I've put those behind me. I just...miss everyone. I've been here for MONTHS and I still feel like a stranger...I have no clue who any of these people are that I have to fight. Slappy told me about Austin...I get that I'm in for one helluva fight...but I'm not READY.
Alanah O'Connell: Jack Alexander! You are one of the brightest, most talented men I've ever seen fly around that ring! You're amazing! And you're more than ready!
Jack Russow: I haven't even heard from this...Kate Steele about a game plan, a battle strategy, a "just fuck off and stay outta my way", nothing! And on top of that, no offense to her, but have you SEEN our opponents go to work in that ring!? Andrea Hernandez is neigh unstoppable and Austin James Mercer has been on top of this sport for...fuck, PICK a number of years.
(Alanah suddenly reaches out and squishes his cheeks together making him look at her.)
Alanah O’Connell: WHO...BLOODY...CARES!!! Ye are Jack Russow...you ended what a lotta people thought was an unstoppable title reign by beating THE Griffin Hawkins when NO ONE expected ya to! You can DO this, my love! I KNOW you can!
Jack Russow: ...you’re kinda hurtin’ my face…
Alanah O’Connell: THEN LISTEN TO THE PAIN YA WEE DAFT PRETTY BOY!!!
Jack Russow: ...I love it when your Irish shows.
(Alanah giggles as they start to kiss when suddenly their phones start blowing up and they both read the message and look at each other.)
Jack Russow: No fuckin' way…
Alanah O'Connell: ...We gotta go.
(They barrel off of each other amd throw on their shoes amd dart off out the door slamming it behind them...and there's nothing but eerie quiet...until Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" begins playing and slowly entering from the kitchen riding their Roomba with the googly eyes attached to it...comes riding in Pip the Papillon looking as Regal as ever as the Roomba drives by the couch as Pip jumps up and faces the camera as the song ends...Pip barks once and suddenly Potato and Lady come bounding up into their usual positions.)
Pip the Papillon: *In an Alvin and the Chipmunks voice* GREETINGS HOOMANS. I...AM THE GREAT LORD PIPSQUEAK. YOU WOULD DO WELL TO CULTIVATE MY FAVOR! I-...where is the youngling?
(Potato flings his head back to look at Pip, raises an eyebrow, and flops back over as Lady lets out a BIG yawn and stretch when all of a sudden we hear frantic scratchings and all of a sudden, powersliding around the corner with a blanket trapped over his face comes Mack McKane’s new little bulldog friend, Dodger as he slips on the blanket and conks head first into the side of the couch.)
Dodger: *In a Patrick Warburton voice* PRESENT.
Pip: WOULD YOU KINDLY GET UP HERE!?
(It takes a few moments of EXTREME concentration and a lot of back leg kicking but the stubby Dodger manages to collapse his way onto the couch. Pip sneezes at him and turns back to the camera.)
Pip: AS I WAS SAYING...I have not seen MY hoomans...NEARLY ENOUGH. Because they’ve a-been training for the Ouchie-fests! And so I want you to hear me and hear me WELL, hoomans! IF one hair is harmed on the head of my Daddy...I will PURPOSEFULLY...hunt down these Austin James Mercer and Andrea Hernandez dweebs and I will SHOW THEM PUREBRED FURY. I WILL PEE ON YOUR TIRES. I WILL RIP YOUR STUFFED AMINALS THROATS OUT AND MAKE YOU WATCH!!!
Lady: Yes dear, you’re a regular “killer” you are.
Pip: I GOT THIS KILLA UP INSIDE O’ ME!!! I CAN’T TALK TO MY MAMA SO I TALK TO MA MOTHAFUCKIN’ DIARY!!!
(Just then the front door flies open and there stands Slappy McGoo)
Slappy McGoo: HEY!!!
(All the dogs jump in fear as Slappy points at Pip.)
Slappy McGoo: ...LANGUAGE!!!
(Slappy then slams the door and there’s an awkward pause as all the pups slowly turn and look at each other.)
Pip: Can...can Slappy understand us?
Potato: It WOULD explain the awkward looks he’s been giving me since Thanksgiving.
Dodger: Maybe it’s like one o’ those…”pure of heart” things like that Gordy movie.
Pip: Peculiar...ANYWAY. The mission statement REMAINS. CLEAR. You will either FALL to my Daddy and his weird walking paintbrush girly partner OR...you’ll experience what you humans call a “hashtag” that’s been catching on worse than your beer virus! Lemme spell it out for ya…
#PIP
#RIPS
#THROATS
Pip: NOW IF YOU’LL EXCUSE US...IT IS TIME...FOR PUPPY PATROL. BEGONE WITH YOU. HEED MY WORDS, YOU NEANDERTHAL!!! ABANDON YOUR PALTRY GOD!
Alanah O’Connell: *off screen* Okay honey I think they get the picture…
Jack Russow: *off screen* Aww babe I was JUST getting started!
(The dogs all gather around the TV as the Puppy Patrol intro begins and we fade to black.)
