[Crusader]

 For many years The Modern Day Crusader lived a life of isolation.  After his brief stint in the military followed by his several arrests during public protests, The Crusader decided to get away from it all.  A life off the grid was what he desired.  He came to the insoluble problem surrounding population - all these people and their dumbass ideas - these blind individuals blithely heading toward their demise.

The more he tried to enlighten them, the angrier they became.  Every law designed to imprison his body and mind.  

What was the use?  Why go through all that trouble?  Screw them.  The Modern Day Crusader reached the realization that his life and his alone was worth saving.  So, he took what money he could gather and bought a giant pile of land in the middle of nowhere.

There weren’t any structures on the land.  No water or sewer.  No electricity.  The land was as raw as a person’s ass the morning after a nine dollar all you can eat Mexican buffet.

He jumped in with both feet, determined to live a self-sustained life, free from society’s tyranny.

Fast forward a few decades.  A much older and wiser(?) Modern Day Crusader toils around his land.  A small, functioning, wooden apparatus serves as his abode.  Several gardens surrounding the home provide his food.  Any meat he devours is provided courtesy of the wildlife running in and out of his property.  The man is living his dream.  He relies on nothing, nobody but himself as a means for survival.

That all changed on some arbitrary afternoon.  There are no official ‘days’ in the life of the Modern Day Crusader.  Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays…they do not exist.  Time is simply an unending continuum.  It gets dark, it brightens…it gets dark again and so it goes.  

Anyway, one afternoon while the Modern Day Crusader was penning the latest chapter within his Book of Truth an intruder stumbled onto his grounds.  This was the first time The Modern Day Crusader had experienced human contact in decades.  

Upon hearing sounds of life, The Crusader reached for his gun.  He pointed it in the direction of the noise.  "Sounds like a big one, might eat on this beast for days", he said to himself, peering through the glass lens of his readied weapon.  His finger tightened on the trigger.  He was on the brink of unleashing a hail of gunfire.

That is, until the silhouette of something foreign kept him from firing.  It wasn’t any four legged creature.  Whatever this was…it got around on two legs, a biped!  The Crusader lowered his weapon, dumbstruck.  What the hell was one of THEM doing on his property?

A young, male…early twenties stepped through the foliage.  He instantly recognized the level of danger he had stumbled upon and threw both arms into the air.

“Don’t shoot!”

The Crusader, feeling a sense of power, kept his gun on the target without any intent on firing, “Who are you?  Why the hell shouldn’t I?  Are you one of THEM?”

This didn’t register with the young man.  He wasn’t into conspiracies.  He hadn’t been exposed to any sort of behind the curtain truth.  He was simply living his life.

“I don’t know who you’re talking about.  Do you mean a Sabre?  Because, yes, I did graduate from North County High.  I didn’t play any sports so, I guess I’m technically NOT a Sabre but…I suppose that all depends on how seriously you take the moniker.”

“Moniker…”  The Crusader’s mind wandered.  The word struck a chord with him.  â€œSo what you’re saying to me is that you graduated from North County High but REFUSE to be labeled a Sabre?”

The young man was stuck, perplexed.  He paused, he hesitated.  He understood his answer carried a great amount of weight toward the Crusader’s decision.  And, this wasn’t some stupid little decision like where to grab a burger…this had life altering consequences.

“Well boy!  What is it?”  The Crusader demanded.

“I’m NOT a Sabre!” the young man cried out, praying it would prove to be the correct declaration.

The Crusader’s weapon lowered.  His face eased.  A smile damn near crossed his face.  â€œWell I’ll be a monkey’s mistress.  You are seeking the truth just like I am.  You are a non-conformist.  Come on over here, bring it in!”  The Crusader extended both arms.  The young man, very much not wanting to die, carefully walked forward.  He hesitated.

The Crusader realized his gun was largely in the way, “Sorry about that.  Old habits, ya know?”  He swung it to the side and engulfed the young man with the type of hug befitting a family reunion.  The young man looked around, nervously…desperately hoping the embrace would end.

Finally, it did.  The Crusader wiped from under his nose, preventing anyone from being able to notice whether or not the human contact brought about emotion.  â€œLet me show you around,” he said in a tone that left no room for argument.  It appeared as though The Crusader was determined to have this guy move in with him.

Much can be said of The Modern Day Crusader.  Sure, he may not shower every week.  He may not be deodorant’s biggest proponent.  The guy’s teeth probably haven’t seen white since middle school.  And, well, his train of thought might be somewhat obtuse…but the man has never lacked charisma.

For reasons unbeknownst to rational logic…The Modern Day Crusader won this young man over.  Within the week, the young man moved onto the land and began helping The Modern Day Crusader live.  At night, The Crusader would educate this young man by reading from the ridiculously large Book of Truth.  It opened the young man’s mind.  He had been exposed to The Crusader’s version of truth.  It made him feel special.  He felt as though he belonged.  

The young man vowed to follow The Modern Day Crusader.  He would follow The Crusader down whatever path was chosen.  It was at this time when the young man gave up his secular name and became Crusader #1.  There were no plans for a Crusader #2.  But, as everyone reading this knows…nothing ever goes to plan.

“I think we should seek more followers,” Crusader 1 mentioned after a night in which The Modern Day Crusader snuggled just a little too close for comfort.  

“And why would we do that?”  The Modern Day Crusader asked with a piece of snake hanging from his mouth.

“Well, you seem pretty passionate about uncovering the truth.  I know you went through some hard times…but wouldn’t it make sense to try and educate as many people as possible.”

The Crusader slurped up the remaining chunk of snake and pondered.  â€œNo…no way.  Those people, the SHEEPLE…they are BLIND…ignorant!  All they will do is laugh and mock.  I’m not going through that again!”  The Crusader stood and turned his back to Crusader 1, leaning against a try, sighing.

“What about me?  I’m an outsider yet here I am…Crusader 1.”

The Crusader lowered his head, “Yea, but you’re different.  You see through the charade.”[/green]

“But if someone like me exists…that means there must be others!  I’m telling you, we could really build something here.  It could do a lot of good…don’t you want to be remembered when you’re gone?”

The Modern Day Crusader rotated, placing his back against the tree.  He looked down at Crusader 1, “I remember when I was like you.  I thought anything was possible.  You’ve got that spark, that initiative.  I won’t suppress it.  If I did…I’d be just like THEM.  If you want to bring people in, fine.  But I ain’t going out there.  That’s your job…but I swear, if you bring any divisive individuals into the Camp of Truth, the experiment is over!”

Crusader 1, overjoyed, hopped to his feet.  The idea of having someone else around was intoxicating.  

It didn’t take long.  Soon, the compound was overflowing with Crusaders.  The count had risen to…let’s say thirty-three.  That’s a good, solid number to be sure.  It would have been thirty-four, but tragedy struck.

It was the summer of 2014.  Heat ravaged the Camp of Truth.  The Modern Day Crusader did what he could to keep the camp unified.  At this point in time, there were seventeen Crusaders.  A giant hole had been carved out and filled with water, serving as a lake.  It was the lone source of ‘cool’ during the wicked heat indexed months.

The Modern Day Crusader had been indulging in a form of invention he deemed villainous – the internet.  At first, he balked at the idea.  However, at the urging of Crusader 1, he decided to take a look.  What he found opened his eyes to more truth than he could have ever imagined.  Soon, The Book of Truth had doubled.

He called it a modern day Bible.  The first half filled with his old truths.  The truths he came to know as a young man, fighting through society.  The second half comprised of new truths.  The truths he had been opened up to at the urging of his new legion of crusaders.  One of those truths – The Ice Bucket Challenge.

The Crusader kept newfound truths to himself.  He was determined to flesh out the entire truth, jot it down in his Book of Truth and come to a point of total understanding before unveiling it to his fellow crusaders.  He always adhered to the famous phrase uttered by Davy Crockett, “Be always sure you're right — THEN GO AHEAD!”

So, while uncovering the ins and outs of various truths, his crusaders would remain unaware.  This had never posed any sort of issue until August 5th, 2014.  

It might have been the hottest day of the year.  The camp was sweltering.  The crusaders trudged along, each wondering when, not if, they’d collapse from heat exhaustion.  

Crusader 8 had been missing most of the afternoon.  That didn’t stir any insecurity amongst his fellow crusaders.  He was known to be somewhat of a loner.  He’d vanish in between chores, wandering toward locations he never revealed.  Enjoying alone time was viewed as a positive in the Camp of Truth.  It meant expanding your mind, thinking freely, without the constant coercion of those around you.

At some point, mid-afternoon The Modern Day Crusader found himself toiling in his vegetable garden.  He stood over his olive tree and explained to the three crusaders around him how vital olives were in life.  He explained the purity of the olive and how nothing nefarious could come from its symbol.  It was at this point when he heard some cheering in the background.

“What in tarnation is going on over there?” He asked, turning around and following the noise.  

Crusader 8 was seated in a chair.  His legs bounced around, giddily.  A fellow crusader stood over him with a bucket in his hand.  

“Alright, I’m officially challenging Crusaders 13, 3, and…7, yea, we’ll go with 7!”  He turned and nodded toward the crusader standing over him.  

“NO!!!” The Modern Day Crusader yelled, sprinting in their direction.  Alas, it was too late.  The bucket was overturned and several pounds of ice cold liquid splashed all over Crusader 8.  Cheering ensued…only for a few, brief seconds, until they heard the ululations of their leader.

The Modern Day Crusader fell to his knees.  His forehead kissed the ground.  His fingers gripped the grass.  Crusader 8 noticed the behavior of his leader and asked, “What’s wrong?  It’s just the Ice Bucket Challenge, sir.”

“JUST the Ice Bucket Challenge…” The Modern Day Crusader said, as his mouth was pinned to the ground.  He started to laugh, in an angry manner…..”JUST The Ice Bucket Challenge!”  He stood.  Crusader 8 stood as well, nervously.

“Do you even KNOW what the Ice Bucket Challenge IS?”  Apparently nobody did.  They all stood in church like silence.  â€œOf course you don’t!”

Crusader 8 began to stammer, “Well, I mean, perhaps you could teach me…”

The Modern Day Crusader shook his head in disappointment, “It’s too late for that now.”  He turned toward the other crusaders, “Fellow Crusaders, apprehend this demon instantly!”  Without question, they swarmed.  Crusader 8 took off, sprinting through the forest with several obedient crusaders giving chase.  Crusader 1 lingered.

“I…I don’t get it?” Crusader 1 semi-asked as any normal person would.

Feeling a great amount of weight upon his grizzled shoulders, The Modern Day Crusader shook his head, “It’s my fault, really.  I withheld pertinent information that could have spared the life of Crusader 8.”

“His life can still be saved, he isn’t dead yet.”

“To me, he is.”  The Modern Day Crusader stared into the sky.  He quickly turned his head away, wincing.  â€œDamnit, I thought those clouds were still covering the sun!”  He rubbed his slightly burnt ocular sockets.  Tears formed, most likely due to the enlightened trauma.  However, The Crusader played it off as though it were emotion for a soon-to-be fallen comrade.

“The Ice Bucket Challenge isn’t what it seems.”

“Oh, how so?” Crusader 1 asked.

“You see…”

The Modern Day Crusader’s mind began to wander.  It dove deep into his imagination.

Our view follows The Modern Day Crusader’s mind down the deep, strange rabbit hole.

We cut to a dark, cave like room.  Some sort of nefarious incantation is being chanted by a group of individuals.  They all bow to a stage where a thick, beast of a person stands, wearing horns for a hat.  The leader’s face has red paint.  Their eyes seem to be yellowed by off putting contacts.  They open their mouth, revealing their identity.

“My fellow Satanists, we have reached a decision that will increase our numbers dramatically!”  The followers grunt and cheer in a very off putting manner.  But that’s not the big reveal.  No, the big reveal is that the leader of the satanic cult is, in fact…OPRAH.

Oprah motions for Lady Gaga to step onto the stage.  She appears timid which, I guess would be a normal reaction given the atmosphere.  â€œLady Gaga desires to become the number one musician on the planet.  She has gone so far as to request a super bowl halftime performance.  Well, in order for that to take place, you must be baptized in the name of SATAN!  Can you handle it?  Or will this be another Bad Romance?  We’ll see if you truly have a pokerface!  Bring upon the holy, iced water!”

The rabid followers go crazy…they chant “ICE! ICE! ICE!”  Lady Gaga is nervous.  Her feet bounce rapidly against the stage floor.  JACK BLACK is holding the bucket…which suddenly explains his popularity.  His weak, chubby arms have trouble holding the bucket filled with water.

“Lady Gaga, before being baptized in the name of Satan, you must issue a challenge to three other individuals…who will you name?” Oprah demands in the form of a question.

A nervous Gaga responds with three inaudible names.  Oprah is too busy HOGGING the mic for Gaga’s voice to be heard.  Regardless, the answer was satisfactory and Oprah throws a nod to Jack Black.  He pours the ice cold liquid over Gaga’s head.  She gasps for air…the feral Satanists go wild.  

“And this, fellow Satanists will be how we convert people all over the world to our religion…the ONE religion!  So, go home, make videos of the ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE and start a social media movement.  It will be GLORIOUS!”  The crowd goes wild with chants of “OPRAH!  OPRAH!  OPRAH!”

The flashback ends as we’re taken back to a time a few years ago.  

Crusader 1 shook his head, staring into the ground.  The Modern Day Crusader nodded along, understanding Crusader 1’s shock.

“If only we’d known,” Crusader 1 lamented.

“Yes, if only…I will never withhold any information moving forward.  I believe it to be a mannerism learned from years of solitude.  One I will surely break as soon as possible.”

We jump ahead to present day.  The living crusaders stand around the grave of Crusader 8.  Warm water is poured over his grave.

“And that, fellow crusaders, is why we don’t keep secrets.” The Modern Day Crusader advises, clapping the Book of Truth shut.  Crusader 15’s hand shoots into the air.  â€œYes, my brother in truth.”

“Shouldn’t you be on your way to Australia by now?”

“Should I?” The Modern Day Crusader looks to Crusader 1 for clarity.

“Oh, yea!” Crusader 1 snaps back to reality.  â€œYour match…it’s Sunday”

“Crusader 1…” The Modern Day Crusader says in a very condescending, parental tone, “what did I tell you about SECRETS?”

“Given the anniversary of that horrible ice bucket challenge fiasco…it just slipped my mind.  Sorry,” Crusader 1 apologizes.

The Modern Day Crusader is undaunted, “That’s okay.  Working the land, toiling with my hands, feet and mind have kept me sharp.  I know how to survive.  In any form of combat, whether it be jousting, sword fighting, thumb war or wrestling…it’s all a matter of survival.  I have no doubt, given our mission of truth, that I will be victorious.”

We cut to a shot of The Modern Day Crusader, Crusader 1 and a couple of other crusaders aboard a small, wooden vessel.  It’s crossing the ocean, en route to Australia.  The Modern Day Crusader stands atop the bow, hands balled into fists, resting along his hips.  His head is pointed confidently toward the sky.

“Tell me, Crusader 1….tell me more about this Andre fellow,” The Modern Day Crusader inquires, taking a bit of interest into his upcoming match.

“Andre Aquarius, sir.  His name is Andre Aquarius and he…”

“AQUARIUS!  GOOD HEAVENS!”  The Modern Day Crusader’s head snaps to the side, staring at Crusader 1 with wild, passionate eyes.  â€œYou didn’t tell me this fellow was a worshiper of the ZODIAC.  This is horrible news, Crusader 1.  We are stepping into the ring with an evil individual.”

“He could just enjoy the daily blurbs in the local paper,” Crusader 1 defends Andre for reasons unbeknownst to everyone, including Crusader 1.

“I’m sure he does!  We all know newspapers are propaganda.  I have no doubt this Aquarius heathen reads the paper with the voracity of a vampire at a blood bank.”  The Modern Day Crusader shakes his head.  He snaps his fingers, “Bring me the Book of Truth.”

Crusader 1 snares the Book of Truth, which is never outside of arm’s reach.  The Crusader flips to a certain page, “Ah, here we go, the truth behind the Zodiac Killer.  Gather round, crusaders!”

All the crusaders aboard the wooden boat gather.  The boat begins to float aimlessly.

“But we need to keep rowing,” Crusader 1 spouts some logic.

“No destination is safe when the travelers are blinded by deceit!  Remember what happened the last time I withheld some truth?”

“CRUSADER 8!” they all yell.

“Yes, Crusader 8…may his memory continue to serve as a reminder to be forthright…now and forever.” The Crusader clears his throat, “Now, back to the Book of Truth.  Who all remembers the Zodiac Killer?”  Hands go up in the air quickly, aside from one.  It slowly rises, not wanting to be left behind.  â€œGreat.  One of the country’s most prolific killers, The Zodiac Killer was brainwashed by Astrologists.  The idea was to lend credibility to the Astrology Signs in an effort for mind control.”

“Really?” a random crusader asks.  A giant whale breaches, nearly knocking the boat over.  The Modern Day Crusader does not flinch.

“Yes, really.  You see each victim was murdered while doing something that went against their recommended action for that day.  Even if people didn’t realize it…the subliminal message was to follow the zodiacal blurbs or else…you will die.  So, now they write up tasks and obligations meant to denigrate society.  You see crusaders, it’s all about brainwashing the public.”

“Fuck the Zodiac!” a crusader yells.  Others nod in unison.

“We cannot let this Andre Aquarius succeed.  It seems as though this SCW mission is more serious than I initially realized.” The Modern Day Crusader claps the Book of Truth shut.  He yawns, “I’m going to catch some shut eye.  Wake me up when we get there.”

Crusader 1 looks miffed.  They are in a wooden row boat.  It could take WEEKS.  Regardless, he does as he’s told.  Several crusaders grab oars and resume rowing.

A loud horn blares.  Crusader 1 is seen packing everything together.  A giant barge is towing their wooden boat along.  They are nearing the Australian shore.  The other crusaders move about in furtive fashion.  They dare not wake up their leader.  One crusader bangs his shin into the side of the boat.

“Quiet!” Crusader 1 urges, “you know how he feels about modern day technology.  If he knows we were towed all the way in, he’d be furious!”

“How has he slept so long?  Is he okay?” the random crusader ponders.

“Yes, he’s a very deep sleeper, when he sleeps.  This is very common behavior.”

The Modern Day Crusader begins to stir.  Crusader 1 notices and quickly unties the rope connecting them to the barge.  He waves to the giant barge, thanking them for the tow.  They respond by spearing a nearby dolphin.  Crusader 1 motions for the other crusaders to begin rowing, furiously.  They do so.

The Modern Day Crusader opens his eyes.  He stands and stretches.  â€œAhhh, what a rest!  Such respite will come in handy on Sunday!”  He looks around and spots the Australian shore.  â€œI say!  We’re here already?”  He sees the furious rowing.  â€œGreat job crusaders!”

He snares a jug of water, taking a generous sip.  He notices the barge.  â€œDevilish machinery,” he frowns, “I wouldn’t be caught dead on a satanic vessel like that!  Steer clear of those beasts, crusaders!”

Crusader 1 smiles and nods as the other crusaders follow suit, nervously.

The boat makes landfall.  It brushes up easily against the rough, sandy terrain of the Australian coastline.  The Modern Day Crusader, chewing on a fresh tomato and strip of homemade jerky steps off first while his crusaders shoulder the luggage.  Crusader 1, lugging a heavy trunk labeled ‘wrestling stuff’, saddles up alongside his fearless leader, dropping the trunk and taking a breather.

“I really wish we would have packed a vile of Holy Water.  I had no idea the man standing in my way was named Aquarius,” The Modern Day Crusader looks over at Crusader 1, “these secrets have got to stop.”

“It isn’t just Aquarius.”

“Don’t tell me there’s another.  What is it, Crusader 1?  Is it Aries?  Taurus?  Gemini?  Is it Sagittarius?  Please, for the love, tell me it isn’t Sagittarius.”

“Nah, just some guy named Tommy Crimson.”

“Some guy named Tommy Crimson, eh?” The Modern Day Crusader stares into the sky, as though the clouds are about to form a readable pattern.  â€œSounds like a true villain, Crusader 1.  I’m guessing a blood worshiper of some kind.  Perhaps a modern day vampire.”

“I really couldn’t say.  His debut was last week.”

“Answer me this, Crusader 1.  Do these wrestling events…do they take place at night?”

“I believe so.”

“Good heavens!  This man might BE a modern day vampire.  You know vampires exist, right?  They walk around at night, dressed as human beings.  Yep…I’m willing to bet this Tommy Crimson is a modern day vampire.”

Crusader 1 doesn’t know how to respond.  So, The Modern Day Crusader continues, “So you’re telling me I’m facing a member of the Zodiac killing legion along with a modern day vampire?  This is much worse than I thought, crusaders.”  All the other crusaders are gathered around with the luggage off the boat, resting comfortably ashore.  â€œThese poor souls who pay money to watch this wrestling stuff are in true, mortal danger.  It is up to us to show them the light…it is up to us to unveil the truth.”

Crusader 1 looks up at the sky, he winces, “Judging by the sun, it appears we’re already midafternoon.  If our ride doesn’t show up soon we could be in danger of missing Climax Control.”

“CLIMATE CONTROL?!”  The Modern Day Crusader yells out.  â€œWhat kind of organization is this?  Are they apart of HAARP?  Don’t tell me they are involved with CERN?  If so, we are getting in that boat and rowing BACK to the Camp of Truth!”

The crusaders nearly vomit at the idea of immediately rowing back.  Crusader 1 leaps into action, “Oh, definitely not.  Right guys?”

The other crusaders respond, in unison, “Absolutely not!”

The Modern Day Crusader breathes a sigh of relief, “Whew.”

“Besides, it’s CLIMAX Control.”

“Hmm,” The Modern Day Crusader ponders, “I wonder if they are into orgasm manipulation.  We need to do some investigating when we get there.”

The sound of hooves clobbering turf draws their attention.  A horse pulled, covered wagon emerges.  The Modern Day Crusader smiles, “There’s our ride!”

It pulls up with a local Aussie smiling, “It’s great to meet you, Crusader.  I’m so excited for your match!  I hope you win that shot at the Roulette Championship.”

The luggage is nearly fully loaded.  The Modern Day Crusader seems slightly dismayed, “Roulette?  As in GAMBLING?  You know gambling is an evil machination of the government to keep undisciplined people from prospering, right?”

Crusader 1, heaving the final trunk into the wagon struggles with his patience, “It’s just a name, sir.  Besides, the fed is named…”

A fellow crusader stops him.  He shakes his head as if to say ‘don’t go there’.  Crusader 1 nods, “Nevermind.”

“Well, I guess it isn’t all bad.  If I win this Roulette Title I can use it as an opportunity to preach against the evils of gambling.”

The Modern Day Crusader hops aboard the covered wagon.  The driver redirects the anachronistic vehicle and they take off along the undeveloped terrain, heading toward Brisbane and the site of Climax Control.