[JoshWoodrum]

 A wise man once said, "The bigger they are, the harder they fall." Well that may be true, but that saying pertains to normal men, not those who rise above. No, for those select few, there is another saying, one I've proven in more ways than one, "size matters".

7:58 AM

We open on:



The beautiful Amanda Banxxx as the final photo is snapped for her latest photo shoot. She blows a kiss to the photographer and is handed a robe by someone right out of camera range. With a smile, she motions for us to follow her and we do, to her dressing room. Amanda takes a seat and looks directly into the camera.

AMANDA: Hello lovelies. It is I, your friendly neighborhood sex pot, Amanda Banxxx. In a few short days, my lover, my partner, my Joshie, will once again climb into the SCW ring, and do what he does best, kick some ass. And who is the unfortunate soul that my Josh will crush?

Caleb Storms. The so called "Metal Storm". First of all, a little science lesson Caleb. Storms aren't made of metal. They are made from precipitation, you know, water. It's clear that you're not as smart as you look, and buddy, you look like an idiot.

Caleb, you said something interesting in your promo. You said, "Size doesn't matter". Well, I know that those who can't... measure up, often come up with coping mechanisms and will convince themselves that the centimeter peter is enough. But trust me buddy, once you get your world rocked by a big one? That's when your life changes.

And when it comes to your match with my Dragon, my lover, you will discover that size matters in the ring as well. My Joshie will be on you like white on rice, like flies on shit, like.... well, like a condom on a penis. He will smother you, with his bulk, and when you find yourself in a hospital bed, wondering if anyone got the license plate of the truck that hit you, maybe your little gal pal, can find out what a real man, and a real woman, is like?

As for you? You can hope, pray, and just like the size issue, you can lie to yourself. Truth is, size does matter, and truth is, Josh Woodrum is going to beat you.

Amanda laughs and walks off to her personal shower.

4:43 PM

Our scene switches to Josh Woodrum.



With a smile, he removes his glasses and stares right into the camera.

JOSH: In the beginning, God created the heavens and he created the earth. He created the men, the women, the children, and then he realized that those men, those women, those children, they need a hero. Someone that they could look at, someone they could say, "He, this man, this mythic being, is greater than us." So in His wisdom God created the one and only, never lonely, got a giant piece of bologna, Josh Woodrum.

And now, for all of those who seek a hero, they need to look no further, fore he is here. And he is ready, with his massive biceps, his giant back, to carry them all to new heights. But like any hero's journey, there is a few roadblocks, a few villains before we reach the promised land.

This week the roadblock, the challenger to the throne, is Caleb Storms. Mr. Storms, you stand in front of me, and in the first chance you get to say something to me, you choose to disrespect me? You choose to crack some age jokes, and down talk my other profession? Fine. You're not the first to cast stones while residing in a glass house.

But what amused me Caleb, what made me chuckle brother, was your old cliche. "It's not the size of the dog...." Brother look at me!

Woodrum takes a slight step back and rips off his t-shirt. He tosses it to the ground and poses a few times.

JOSH:Brother I'm a pissed off pit-bull, full of rabies, rage and anger. You? You're a goddamn chihuahua. And dude, I promise you, I'm gonna bite your annoying ass little head off, and spit it on the ground, and then? I'll hike a leg and take a piss on your carcass. See brother, you need to realize that old saying, "size doesn't matter", is something that the weak, something that those too small to matter, made up.

It's a coping mechanism, a false statement. You see brother, when the bell rings, when the smoke clears, you will be left broken, defeated. You will realize that when it comes to this game, when it comes to tangling with the, so suggestive, always impressive, greatest man ever born, gonna weather the metal storm, punk ass beating, porn star pleasing, fire breathing dragon, that size matters.

Brother, you need to pray to God, the flying spaghetti monster, or Neil Degrasse Tyson, and hope that they will give the strength to rebuild. Because this week, I will hurt you. I will break you. Just like the little man you are. And when it's over, after I own you, after you realize that size matters, maybe I'll make your little girlie happy? Hey baby, wanna come ride the biggest ride, with the longest line?

Woodrum winks at the camera. He chuckles and finishes.

JOSH: Brother, I came to the SCW to win titles, to add to to the greatest legacy in wrestling history. And this Sunday, you will find yourself with a place in wrestling history. As you become the latest name on the list of Woodrum.

Welcome to immortality brother. This Sunday, with the whole world as our witness, you will discover, that not only does size matter, but Josh Woodrum is, well, SIMPLY IMPRESSIVE!!!

Woodrum strikes a double bicep and we fade out.