The following is a joint effort between all three Bad Boys (Mickey, Giani, and Bishop)... Enjoy!
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Family Ties (Part 1)
#NP "Self Esteem" by The Offspring
Locale: Market Tavern; Stockton, California
Storyteller: Mickey Carroll
AAAAAAAND the crowd goes wild!!! Me and Xander Bishop lays waste to that plonker, Dax Beckett, putting ‘im through a table, whilst the Dying Breed stands by watching, helplessly. They can’t do anything, no, won’t do anything as Bad Boys puts Becks through yet another object. Only this time, it’s much less of a spark, and more of a bang. Dax was not getting up after that one. Me and XB made damn sure of it. I ‘ave a feeling that Blaze of Glory will be a three-peat.
Now that we played a little bit of catch up, let’s fast forward to the latest… I figured since Mercedes ‘ad me meet her folks, I should repay the favor a bit. Me mum isn’t exactly the most well-travelled woman, but she’s the only one I got. It took a little bit of juggling of the finances to get mum over for this leg of the tour, but I managed. Me and mum are ‘aving a couple of smokes outside of the tavern, despite all of the dirty looks we’re getting from the snooty Californian’s walking by, we’re ‘aving a grand old time catching up.
Mum: When ye asked me to come out and meet this new bird, I about jumped outta me knickers when I heard the word “newâ€. It meant that ye dropped that awful Contessa like a bad habit! Oh, I have never been more proud of ye, Michael.
Me: I only stayed with ‘er as long as I did fer Mickey Jr. I never intended to bag that bird fer good. But, this one, ma… she’s class. I mean, she’s mint.
Mum: Well, I can’t wait to meet her, me boy.
Mum takes a drag from her cigarette, and somehow, she makes it look so saintly and elegant, while I just look like a generic ginger peckerwood. She puts it out on the bottom of her shoe before some millennial piece of shit hipster that looks somewhat like Dax Beckett at the age of 17 walks by with a mean look on ‘is face and shouts at us.
Kid: Don’t you two know that smoking kills? And not just you. Secondhand smoke affects those around you.
I swear to GOD almighty above, that this kid pulls out one of those plocker vaping pens, and takes a drag right in front of us.
Kid: These are so much better for you and those around you.
Mum: What are ye, a bleedin’ ponce? Funny lookin’ shaper with ‘is fancy flowery electric cigarette. Well let me tell ye… ye can just fuck right off, child. Fuck right off with yer lock-hard…
Kid: What a rude old bitch, you are… Why don’t you go back to Scotland where that narrow-minded talk is more *ACK!*
I grab the kid by one of ‘is three scarves and I toss ‘im ten feet away from us, all while me mum laughs with delight as if it was an episode of Fawlty Towers. I ready me knuckles for a scuffle, but the kid is all bark and no bite as he runs off with his flowery electric cigarette hanging from a “Coexist†lanyard around ‘is neck. Me mum wraps her arms around me neck and kisses me cheek.
Mum: I’m so proud of ye, lad. You’re such a good boy, Michael.
I let me mum kiss me cheek only because I ‘aven’t seen her in quite some time. I drop me fag to the ground and grind me heel over it as I see the drop dead gorgeous bella dama walking our way. She is wearing a fitted black dress, shimmering in the wind, and her hair bouncing with perfectly crafted curls, and the fuck me pumps trotting all over me heart. Her lips a bubble gum pink that causes me to lick at me lips as if it were the first time I’ve ever seen such a beauty. I almost start kicking me leg lick an excited hound dog, but I keeps me cool for a minute longer as she approaches us.
Mercedes: Hey Mickey…
She kisses my cheek before looking toward my mother in a surprisingly modest sort of way.
Mercedes: Mrs. Carroll, such a pleasure to finally meet you. I’ve heard… things.
She smiles at me mum as she reaches out for a hug. Me mum surprises even me by pulling her in tightly, squeezing with a gasp of utter delight. She is so warm to Mercedes, it is a real shocker as she lets go, holding onto her shoulders as she studies Mercedes’ face and hair.
Mum: Aren’t ye just the bee’s knees? Blimey, I can’t believe me Mickey landed ‘imself such a gorgeous Spaniard…
Me: Mum! We don’t say such things these days, unless yer Chris Shipman!
Mum: Oh, in California? In America?
Me: No, at all!
Mercedes: Argentina, actually.
Mercedes laughs to lighten the mood as she tucks her arm underneath mine. She turns to face the door, and I can tell that she’s anxious to get this over with as fast as possible. It is then that I smile and remember the dinner with her family, and I feel like I need to drag this out for as long as I can. We walk inside and wait to be seated.
****************************************************************
Laughter rings out across the table as Mercedes and me mum are actually hitting it off. I can hardly keep up with it all as I dig into me salisbury steak and mash. At one point, football come into the conversation, but the rest is a bunch of hysterical chirping that I learned to keep me ears out of. That is, until the last straw comes up.
Mum: He’s going through his nudist phase, as most kids do, and he’s just running around all blarmy in ‘is birthday suit, an’ then his father come in and straight at his dingus an’ he says, honest to the Lord above… “Ye definitely got that thing from yer ma’s side of the family, because the Lord did not bless me like that!†So at least ye got that to look forward to, if ye ‘aven’t already!
Me: Jesus titty fuckin’ Christ, ma! Do ye really gotta bring me bangers and mash into the dinner conversation? Most parents leave it about the naked crying kid in the bath, and stop, but ye gotta advertise for me?
Mercedes: Your mother is an absolute treat, Mickey. I feel like I got the better end of the deal with the whole “meet the parents†situation.
Me mum leans over and hugs onto Mercedes for the millionth time in the hour they’ve known each other. Mercedes pats her cheek, and while I can tell she’s having a good time, she is purposely rubbing it in so that I know that me master plan has failed miserably. She picks up her cup and takes a drink as I look around for any kind of alcohol that I can get me hands on. All is lost as I see nothing I can get me mits on that’s within me reach, so I sink down and cross me arms over me chest.
Mum: Yer an absolute doll, Mercy. I don’t even have to pretend to like ye as I did with that awful Contessa Flannigan. Yer every mother’s dream.
Mercedes: Now, if only someone would tell my mother that, then we’d be in business. But seriously, is there anything that I should know before things with Mickey and I get serious? I mean, beyond meeting parents, because, well…
Mum: If you noticed, I privately asked the waiter to hold the mushrooms on Mickey’s salisbury steak, because… well, ye don’t want to be stuck in a room with ‘im after he’s had a few of those. Oh, ever since he was a child, he would blow it up. And let’s not even get started on the onions. Oh!
Me: Ma! That is quite enough. There’s no need for her to know a thing about the workings of me arse! I’m a gentleman, and I hold it in until there are no ladies present that I wish to snog with.
Mercedes raises an eyebrow at me as she stares at me for a moment. I shrug my shoulders as if to silently ask her what she’s looking at. Instead she smirks and looks over to me mum with the most sexy… er, devious look I’ve ever seen from this certified Mean Girl.
Mercedes: Unless he passes out on the couch during a football game, of course. Then, all bets are off.
Mum: Yer not telling me anything I don’t already know. He gets it from ‘is father, oh is he ever the splitting image of ‘is papa. If only ye could ‘ave met ‘im, then you’d see what I mean. Oh, I believe I’ve got pictures in me wallet.
Mum goes digging through her purse and pulls out her endless plastic wrapped stack of photographs of me and pops. She shows them off to Mercedes, and I think I ‘ave a handle on things for a moment… but the second I see ‘is blarmy, empty smirk? I see red and I know I’m three seconds short of flipping tables. I pound me fist against the table and push me chair out from under the table. I point right at me mum, and for the first time since I was knee high, I yell at her.
Me: DON’T ye dare compare me to that heartless, womanizing, pile of shite, ma! Ye can spout off at the mouth with all the embarrassing garbage about me running around in the nude, or blowing off, and whatever it is ye been doing to try to chase her off, but don’t ye ever put me and ‘im in the same category when it comes to anything! He was a drunk louse of a man who cheated on ye, slapped us both until we were silly, and got ‘is arse kicked more times than I can count. He was an overgrown child. I am a fucking man! I ‘andle me business, and I know how to treat a lady. So don’t sit here and pretend that ye loved ‘im, because ye feared ‘im just as much as I did, and when he died, I didn’t shed a single tear.
Mum: Michael… you should never speak ill of the dead like that.
Me: He couldn’t ‘ave made it in the ground a minute too soon, ma, and ye know it. He made our lives a living ‘ell, and I’m sorry if ye aren’t ready to see that, but I am!
My eyes are as wide as saucers right now, and I can see the barkeep on the phone. I reach into me pocket and I pull out me wallet. I slap a fifty down on the table and pull a cigarette out of me flannel pocket. I look to Mercedes, and I already know that me temper ‘as chased her off, so I don’t even bother saying another word before I take off. I storm out of the restaurant, not even waiting to get out the door before I light up. I burst through the doors, and squint my eyes as the fading sunlight gets to me. As I start to walk off, I can feel a hand on me shoulders, and I start to turn around to shout at mum fer chasing off the best thing that’s ever ‘appened to me.
Me: Leave me alone, ma!
But instead, it is Mercedes standing there, not saying a word. Instead, she just takes me ‘and and she pulls me down a little bit. We share a passionate kiss, full of adrenaline from me outburst, but it just fuels the fire within us. She wraps her arms around me neck and presses into me, and suddenly, I feel like everything just might be alright. Now, a real gentleman wouldn’t kiss and tell, but I am the same bloke who left his mum at a restaurant to get a bit heavy with ‘is girlfriend in the back of a 1999 Chevy Camaro, so….
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Family Ties (Part 2)
#NP "Switch†DOn Diablo
Locale: Residence Inn; Stockton, California
Storyteller: Giani Di Luca
So it’s a Friday night, yaknowhatimsayin’? Obviously I should be out at the clubs, gettin’ people interested in our match for Blaze of Glory. I should be out there promotin’ this shit, but how can I? Stockton ain’t my scene. So, I’m stayin’ in with Veronica, and we’re havin’ ourselves a good night. She’s lookin’ bomb as always. A perfect ten. A goddess. Any other Friday night, I’d be all over her, and she’d be all over me. Instead, she’s sittin’ on the couch, making insultin’ Snapchat’s about the evenin’ we’re havin’ together. Look, it ain’t my fault though. I’m a blast in a motha’fuckin’ glass, dawg. Mickey’s out havin’ dinner with his mother and Mercy. I wasn’t even gonna be stuck inside on St. Patrick’s Day, but here I am, bored outta my mind, while Veronica looks at me like I done sentenced her to Amy Marshall’s wardrobe or somethin’. All we’re doin’ is stayin’ inside away from all the amateur drunks…
Oh, and I forgot to mention. While Mickey is out introducin’ Mercedes to his mom, we’re stuck here watchin’ his kid. Come to think of it, I think that might be Ronnie’s biggest problem with me right now. Michael Junior is sittin’ on the sofa next to me, with his arms crossed over his chest, lookin’ all pissed off about somethin’ or anotha’. I ignore it, just like I do with his pops, and it works for a while… until it doesn’t.
MJ: Why don’t ye got any bloody vidja games? Who doesn’t at least ‘ave a tablet these days?
Veronica: Video games are for smelly nerds and losers who live in their mother’s basement.
Me: Yeah, unless it’s Call of Duty.
Veronica looks at me with widened eyes as if telling me to keep it quiet. MJ looks at me with a glimmer of hope in his eyes, but I just shrug my shoulders ‘cause Veronica said no video games in her presence. He stomps his foot on the floor as Veronica snaps her fingers behind her.
Veronica: Bertram, it touched the floor again. Take care of it.
MJ: I’m a bloody person, not an “itâ€! Besides, there’s no one else ‘ere in the hotel room. Are ye blarmy?
Veronica scoffs as she looks at him in his dirty t-shirt stained with what looks like Mountain Dew and Cheetohs. I got to give the kid credit though, cause he didn’t once let Veronica intimidate him. Instead, he looks over at me.
MJ: Me mum said that Veronica is the worst human being on the face of this planet next to Delia Darling.
Veronica: Well your “mum†just wishes she was even in my league. I tried to be nice to her to make her think that she was, but she was so ungrateful. Whose fault is that, hm?
MJ: Yer’s! Yer a terrible, terrible person who hates vidja games and grunge rock and delicious crisps and the like!
Veronica puts her phone down for just a second as she slides over a plate of carrots and celery, placing it right in front of him. She takes one carrot up and takes a bite of it as she looks at me with a guilty sort of expression.
Veronica: What? It’s my cheat day.
MJ: This shite is rabbit food! I want something good to eat!
Veronica: Well then why don’t you lick your shirt and the couch cushions that you are sitting on?
MJ: Sod off ye bloody twat!
Me: Hey! That sounds like somethin’ ya dad would say, which makes me believe it’s not good for a ten year old child to say, so knock it awf
MJ glares over at me as he gets on his knees on the couch cushion and he bounces up and down like he’s throwin’ a tantrum ‘er somethin’.
MJ: That bloke is not me pa! Mum says it was the postman, cause I saw’r him more than I saw Mickey anyway.
Me: Like fuck he ain’t ya pops! Ya got the same red hair, the same cold eyes, the same freakin’ face, and ya dress and act just like ‘em, and ya even got his name! Plus, if he wasn’t ya pops, then I wouldn’t be sittin’ here with ya on St. Patrick’s day, the one day of the year where ya allowed to get freakin’ sloppy and no one says anything.
Veronica: Giani, baby, would you please text Mickey and ask him where he is? I can’t handle “it†any longer. I’m about ready to join a pro-choice rally after I recover from getting a mastectomy. Not even joking.
Me: So wait, you don’t never want kids?
Veronica looks over at MJ as he picks up pillows from the couch and starts throwin’ them everywhere.
Me: Point taken. I’ll have a vasectomy just to be sure.
Veronica: You’re such a doll. Kiss kiss.
Veronica reaches over and picks up a piece of celery from the plate and takes a bite. She then groans angrily as she walks away.
Veronica: Great, now I’m stress eating. If my ass gets fat, he’s going to pay for costing me my modeling career…
MJ: Is she bloody serious? It’s a cel’ry stick, not a fuckin’ Big Mac!
Giani: I can’t believe you would say somethin’ that about my lovely girlfriend that…
I watch as Veronica disappears down the hallway and into the sauna room. I crack a smile as I nod my head at Mini Mickey.
Me: … is so obviously true, kid… The struggle is real, MJ. She’s pullin’ a Rihanna to my Leo. Always bustin’ my bawls about what I eat.
MJ: She looks the type, mate. But I’ll give ya this… at your age, if I was snoggin’ a bird like that, I’d eat all the cel’ry and carrots in the world.
Me: You’re a wise little dude, MJ. Never woulda expected that from ya.
He shrugs his shoulders and then looks around, bored again. I hear the jets of the jacuzzi start up loud enough where I get up from my spot on the couch. I walk over to the cabinet of blu rays and begin digging behind them.
Me: Look, kid… I got a little somethin’ somethin’ that I keep private to myself, and I’m gonna share it with ya if ya promise to keep it a…
MJ: Is it porn?! With big busty ladies?
I feel the case in my hand as I slowly look over at the kid whose tongue is sticking out of his mouth, and if he had a tail, it would definitely be wagging. He bounces up and down as I narrow my eyes at him and shake my head like to say “what the fuck, man?†I bring the case back around and show him Call of Duty Infinite Warfare. He gets even more excited as I pull out the controller and turn on the Xbox One. I pop in the disc and hand the controller over to MJ.
Me: Luckily Veronica just call this the Netflix Machine. If she knew it was a video game system, I’d probably only have one ball left to my name.
MJ: Are all birds that stupid?
Me: I don’t know how to answer that one in a way where I don’t wind up in the dawghouse, lil bro. Just enjoy it while ya can. She’ll be in there a while takin’ selfies of herself by the jacuzzi for an hour or so, and then another five minutes in the damn thing.
MJ quickly starts up a match as I crack open the arm of the couch to reveal a mini fridge, where I pull out two Mountain Dew cans. We pop them open as we finally see eye to eye and start having a good time. I gotta admit, I wasn’t expectin’ that. My boy, Mickey might not be the best person, but he’s gonna raise a good kid, with one freakin’ dirty vocabulary and no cuth. In a way, I kinda feel like I got to know him a little better through this experience. And once he got back to the hotel, we all hung out and had a great time together. I feel like our team is gonna be stronger goin’ into Blaze of Glory because of it.
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Family Ties (Part 3)
#NP "Trouble†by Cage the Elephant
Locale: Alex G Spanos Center; Stockton, California
Storyteller: Mickey Carroll
The Bad Boys got their own table at the Friday Night meet and greet for Blaze of Glory 6, right next to the Mean Girls table. I was so excited about it in theory, until the day came, and it wasn’t what I had expected at all. Me, Giani, and Xander are spread out at the table. I got me signature bat in hand, ready for all the pictures with the proper American birds, Giani and Xander got their headshots and their markers ready, but everyone just passes us by. I mean, I knew we wasn’t adored by the masses, but we could at least get the people wanting to shout how much they hate us, like Delia, Veronica, and Mercedes, but we don’t even got that. People pass us by to throw flyers at the Mean Girls, or to take pictures with them. It’s so funny how some fans love the hated wrestlers. The general idea is that no one gives a bunk about Bad Boys. We’re left to watch everyone flock to Drake Green and Melody Grace… And play around on our phones. After several moments of this, Xander smacks my arm and puts his phone in front of us both while Giani gets a nostalgia fan who wants one of his $39.99 signed headshot photos. I watch as Dax spouts off some rubbish about how ‘e is going to lead his team to victory. Both of us laugh as Xander rubs at his face.
Bishop: So let me gets 'dis straigh' Dax is claimin' he not gonna be no weak link anymore? Righ' an' ya boy Xander hur' is Jesus…
Me: And I’m the bloody Queen of England. ‘e’s got ‘is facts all mixed up. Bad Boys are going to prove that this shite going on right now is not acceptable.
Giani: Thanks for ya forty bucks, bro. Money well spent, cause that’s gonna triple after Blaze of Glory is said and done.
Giani shakes hands with the man before he disappears. I shake me head at this as I watch him really get into it. Bishop leans back in ‘is chair as he finishes watching the video. I look over at the table next to me and I see Spike Staggs and Vixen taking a photo with a fan, so I decide to photo bomb it, holding my bat up in the air as I blow their half-arsed performance out of the bloody window. Just then, Spike turns around and spots me before the second picture is taken.
Spike: No, it’s okay ma cher… It’s the only way he’s going to be getting any pictures taken today.
I sneer at Spike as I turn back around and turn to the table. Xander laughs as he puts his phone down on the table.
Bishop: At leas’ ya momma ain’ raise no bitch. He can’ say da same ‘bout lil Timmy Sags.
Spike looks over at us as if he’s going to do something about it, but he’s too prim and proper these days to ever react to something like that at an untelevised event. I nod my head at him, daring him to try something.
Me: He won’t do a thing about it. There’s no money to be made off of it, and ‘e doesn’t give a toss about ‘is kids. Can’t say I blame ‘im though.
Bishop: Bitch run in ‘dat family. Firreals…
I sign the trinity as if to say that it’s God’s honest truth. Giani looks over at us, and I can tell ‘e’s disappointed that he’s not being swarmed with fans with the way ‘e drops down into his chair and groans in annoyance.
Giani: Fuckin’ Drake Green is gettin’ all the attention, when he ain’t done shit but beat Rage. Who hasn’t done that?
Me: Either of us, ye arsehole…
Giani: This whole thing is a big deal. WE are a big deal. You got a former World Heavyweight Champion here. Two tag title reigns to our name. SCW’s biggest acquisition in their entire fuckin’ history… Plus your little tag reign with my wannabe Jimmy Ringo, and one ‘uh the fastest rising stars right now, XB. Ya got me lookin’ over ya guys, and suddenly, we’re chopped liver. But Spike Staggs shows up with his lil’ wifey and his circus family, and we’re stuck in the shadows, off to the side. Fuckin’ bullshit, dawg.
Me and Xander don’t take too well to Giani’s pouting at first, because… well… ‘e’s bein’ a proper bellend, bragging on ‘is accomplishments while dropping a biggie on our accomplishments. But soon enough, we find something that we can all agree on. These people who pop up on a whim and steal the show from the people who put in the hard work to get recognition. I shake my ‘ead as XB gets a fan of ‘is music approaching the table. He shakes their hand and gives them out a picture.
Me: Care for a picture with the one and only British-Irish star in SCW/
Fan: Uh, no thanks…
Me: I ought to bash yer fuckin’ ‘ead in, mate. Bloody disrespectful. This whole thing is disrespectful… I’m out of here.
Giani: Ya gotta wait for the fans to even notice we’re here. We got a terrible spot at this thing, and…
Me: Terrible? We’re between Mean Girls and the Staggs Family! We’re two tables down from Melody Grace, and Drake Green is right across from us! The fans don’t give a toss about us, or this match, and I got better things to do with me time, bruv…
I pick up me bat before I take up me bag. It takes me all of two seconds to stand up and walk off. Xander pushes his chair out and shoves his photos all over the ground in front of the table as he joins me on me walkout.
Bishop: Bruh, ‘dis shit got me mad fucked up…
Me: Stay here and live on yer past glories if ye like, G, but we’re tired of gettin’ looked over by the rubbish all around us.
Giani stays planted in his chair as another sheep walks up to the table. Me and XB look at one another and shake our heads in disappointment as we continue to walk off. As we get half way across the floor, a fan approaches me and I look right in ‘is stupid face as I shout.
Me: Drake Green is bloody over there, and no I am not ‘im! Not all ACW originals look the same!
Fan: Nah man… I just wanted to say that walking out of a meet and greet is so punk rock, and I love it. Can I get a picture with you guys?
I am a little surprised. I look to Xander and he holds out his hand.
Bishop: Fifty dollas…
Fan: For both of you? Done!
He can’t reach into ‘is pocket fast enough to draw’r the money from ‘is pocket. He ‘ands it over to XB and we put on our Bad Boys faces as the fan snaps a selfie. He is pumped up as ‘e looks over ‘is picture. It doesn’t take long before the fans start comin’ up to us. Not a bunch, but more than Giani’s getting. It also doesn’t take long for ‘im to notice as he comes running up to get in the pictures as if ‘e’s some kind of Robert Shapiro of the Bad Boys.
Giani: Punk Rock is our middle name. It’s what we do, baby…
Ms. Rocky Mountains: Excuse me, guys. We haven’t heard from you yet in regards to your big six man tag match at Blaze of Glory. I was wondering if I could...
Bishop: Dyin' Breed is a perfec' name for you's all seein' come da 6th annual Blaze of Glory 'dis Sunday is exactly wha's gonna happen as Bad Boys puts you's all on da danger species lis'...
Bishop nods ‘is ‘ead as ‘e makes it clear that it’s all ‘e ‘as to say on the topic. He goes back to the few fans surrounding us right now, posing for them as they snap pictures. I look to ‘er and smirk as I prepare to drop my bit of wisdom.
Me: Dying Breed and Dax Beckett deserve one another. They are both the bottom of the barrel, and they can’t seem to find a win without it being ‘anded to them. Dax Beckett was ruined by us. ‘e was on a roll after ‘e debuted, but then ‘e decided it seemed like a good idea to cross us, and that was ‘is mistake. One simply does not piss off Bad Boys.
Giani: We’re a force to be reckoned with, Rocky. Those clowns had a lucky win over us, but they’re clingin’ to that. They’re gettin’ comfortable in leanin’ on it. It’s sad, really. We had beef with Dax, cause he acted like he was unstoppable. He coulda stopped it all if he woulda not talked to my girlfriend with such disrespect. Then, we stomped him down, and sent him on his way. He’s the one who decided it was a good idea to get some washed up Nobodies rejects to get his back, and turn this into a war. For us, it’s all about self-defense, even if they wanna build us up to be the bad guys. We’re defending our honor cause they’re too busy shittin’ all over it. We’re fine with bein’ the bad guys though. It comes with the territory. Just don’t get comfortable sittin’ on that fake throne of yours, cause Bad Boys are busy puttin’ in work to make it to the top, and we plan on stayin’ there. See, for Dax, this match is a war. It’s a way to try to get respect after he’s been beaten down at every corner. For Bad Boys? At Blaze of Glory? It’s just a steppin’ stone on our way to much, much bigger and better, golden things. So Dax, Dying Breed? See me wit’ dem hands, bros…
Giani raises ‘is fists in the air as we let ‘im ‘ave the last word. The small crowd around us cheers as we circle around a nervous Ms. Rocky Mountains. We let this go on for a minute as the camera is stuck on us. Then, finally, we lunge at her as we shout “BAD BOYS FOR LIFE!!!†We then leave the scene in true Sex Pistols fashion, leaving them wanting more… which they will get at Blaze of Glory 6 in just a few short days.
