[Alexis Edwards]

 ~*~Sunday September 21st~*~
~*~Buenos Aires, Argentina~*~
~*~Following Climax Control~*~
~*~A little bit of self-loathing…~*~
~*~OFF CAMERA~*~

I don’t think it’s much of a secret anymore what people think of me, and if I’m honest, I couldn’t really give a shit.  People like to point out my attitude and my personality and how angry I am all the time.  They can talk a bunch of shit all they want, but they don’t know me.  They see what I want them to see.  They see the Alexis that I want them to know and nothing more.  Who the hell cares if I show them my angry side?  They shouldn’t make jokes about it as much as they do, because when push comes to shove…my anger?  It can cause some serious problems in the long run.  And it will…for those that choose to piss me off.

So what happens when I piss myself off?  What the hell do I do when I make a huge fuckin’ mistake that makes me the center of everyone’s jokes even more than I already was?  I’m still trying to figure that out.  I know what I normally do, but that shit is part of the reason I’m in the predicament that I’m in at the moment.  It’s the reason Tim is still pissed off at me and really wants nothing to do with me on a personal level.

Shit…Tim.  I really hope he wasn’t watching my match against Mercedes earlier because I’d really rather him be pissed off at me than have him laughing at me like I’m sure everyone else is.  I’m sure he is laughing at me, though.  Who wouldn’t?  I fucking pinned myself out there!  Who the fuck does that?!  Apparently, I do, and I’ve probably just cemented my name in the SCW record books as the biggest fuckin’ dumbass there is, all while handing Mercedes Vargas a memorable victory in front of her people.  Way to go Alexis.

I think I sort of made up for that big mistake shortly after with what I did following the main event, but I plan to address that decision next week in Paraguay.  I’m still waiting to see if and how people react to my little surprise.  I’m sure they won’t, but that’s fine and dandy with me, because I’ll make them take notice each and every week for as long as it takes.

As for right now, though?  I’m doing something I normally don’t do.  I’m taking a walk on some beach near my hotel, because I’m not really ready to get back to my room and crash for the night.  Don’t ask me what beach I’m at because I have no fuckin’ clue, nor do I really care.  It’s some name I can’t even pronounce, but it doesn’t even matter.  It’s after dark and no one is around so it’s the perfect time for me to try and clear my head.

It may not be very cold out, but I’m still wearing my hooded jacket, because it’s comfortable and a part of me.  After walking for a while, I find a spot on the beach and sit down, just looking out to the water.  I sit for a while, thinking about the events from Climax Control tonight and it doesn’t help me any.  Eventually, that devilish voice inside me speaks to me, as she does every so often.

“You know how to really clear your mind, babe.  You made a monumental mistake tonight.  People are going to be laughing at you for a while.”

I lower my head and close my eyes, taking in a deep breath.  I run my hands through my hair, trying to ignore the voice as much as possible.

“Aww come on now.  Don’t ignore me like that, baby doll.  You need to get your mind off of everything that happened tonight and try not to think about everything that is going to happen in the days and weeks to come.  You embarrassed yourself out there.”

I roll my eyes and lift my head, looking out to the water again.

Lex: Shut the fuck up and leave me alone!  Damn!  You’re not helping me right now!

The voice laughs, clearly enjoying this.

“I’m trying to help you, baby doll.  You know as well as I do that the feeling of that blade running across your skin takes to you a calming place.  It’s relief from—“

Lex: STOP!  JUST FUCKIN’ STOP!

In some freaky way, I hear her take in a deep breath inside my mind.  She’s really trying to get me to take that blade out of my pocket and do what I have done every other stressful time in my life.  Add another scar to the many others I already have.

Lex: I don’t want to go to that fuckin’ place anymore!  I don’t want to need to do that.  Yeah, it may have been my fucked up way of dealing with the stress in my life, but look at what it’s cost me?  The best friend I’ve ever had.  Fuck, maybe the only friend I’ve ever had.

The voice laughs again.

“You really believe that, Lex?  You’re stupider than I thought, then.  He’s a male, baby doll.  You know better than anyone what exactly I’m referring to there.  He’s no friend to you.  The only friend to you is hiding away in that pocket of yours…”

Lex: You’re wrong!  Tim’s not like that!

“No?  If he’s not then why don’t you trust him?  Why don’t you confide in him like the poor soul has done so many times over the last year and a half?  Face it, Lex.  Deep down…you know I’m right.  So just do what you always do and forget that kid.”

I shake my head, trying not to accept what she is telling me.  I’m so lost and confused.

Lex: You’re wrong…and I’m going to prove it to you!

I hear her sighing in my mind and I reach into my other pocket, taking out my cell phone.  I pull up the screen to type a text message and send it to the only number I have listed in my contacts.  Tim.  I’m not really expecting him to respond, but I send the message anyway.

“I really need to talk to you.  I’m at the beach closest to the hotel.  I know you don’t want anything to do with me, but I need you to hear me out.  Please.”

After I hit send, all I’m left to do is wait.  Sit and wait for something that probably won’t evne happen.  I get no response on my cell phone and I eventually accept the fact that Tim isn’t going to meet me here, so I raise the hood on my jacket and lay back in the sand.  I look up at the stars and as the minutes tick by, my eyes flutter closed.  I end up dozing off right there on the beach, but I don’t really care.

I’m not sure how much time passes before I’m startled awake by someone gently kicking me.

“Lex…Lex…LEX!  Wake up!”

My eyes jolt open and I look around having momentarily forgotten where I am.  I look up and see Tim standing over me with his arms folded across his chest.  He seems slightly annoyed.

Lex: Tim!  Shit!  I didn’t think you were going to show up!

I sit up and brush as much of the sand off of me as I can and I look up at Tim as he remains silent.

Lex: What time is it?

He shrugs.

Tim: Does it really matter?  It’s late.  What lie was so important to tell me this time that you just had to tell me.

Lex: Can you at least sit down?  I don’t know how long this is going to—

Tim laughs and shakes his head.

Tim: I’ll make it easy for us both and stand.  That way, you can make it quick, and I can leave a lot faster.

I shake my head and once again I hear the devilish voice laughing inside my mind.  I ignore her for the moment and focus on Tim.

Lex: Can you please stop being so fuckin’ pissed off at me?  None of this is easy for me, you know.

Tim: No, I don’t know that, Lex.  Because you don’t fuckin’ TALK about any of it.  You shit on our friendship, or the friendship I thought we had.  So don’t think I’m about to feel sorry for you, because I don’t.

I take in a deep breath and shake my head.  Apparently, this was going to be a lot more difficult than I thought, but I wasn’t ready to give up.

Lex: There’s a reason I don’t open up to people very often…if at all.  There’s a reason I didn’t even HAVE to tell you about my…problem…

Tim: You still can’t say it can you?  You can’t even admit your damn problem!  I’m done with your bullshit, Lex.  If all you’re going to do is—

Lex: You want me to say it?  Fine!  I’ll fucking say it.  Better yet, I’ll fucking SHOW you!

I jump to my feet in front of him but it’s what I do next that surprises not only me, but I think him as well.  I reach down, pulling up my right pant leg, revealing the various cuts and scars on my leg.  The moonlight shining below offers just enough light to see the wounds, and I look up to him as I point to them.

Lex: What does this fucking change, Tim?  Huh?  What does it change now seeing what I do to myself?  That I fucking cut myself?!

He blinks for a few moments, staring at the cuts and scars on my leg until I lower my pant leg and glare at him…the whole time he remains utterly silent.

Lex: Are you happy now, Tim?  I fuckin’ cut myself to escape from the pain and the bullshit I’ve been through in my life.

I sink back down into the sand, bringing my knees up to my chest.  I stare out at the water and watch the waves, waiting for him to respond.  It’s a long while before he does, after he takes a seat next to me.

Tim: Why?  I don’t get it.  And why couldn’t you tell me?

I let out an awkward laugh and shake my head.  Inside my head the devilish voice is laughing also.  But for a different reason.

Lex: Look, Tim, it’s so damn complicated I don’t even know how to explain it.  It’s…it’s just a fuckin’ escape from everything.  I don’t even get it myself.

Tim: Alright…but you didn’t answer my second question.  Why couldn’t you tell me?  I’ve told you everything that I’ve gone through.

The devilish voice in my head laughs again.

“Go ahead, baby doll.  Tell him.  Tell him why you can’t trust him.  I’m sure he’ll understand.”

I take in another deep breath and shake my head.

Lex: Because…because I had no reason to tell you.  You want me to be honest?  Fine.  When I got to Vegas..when you found me beat to shit in your dad’s gym…I had no reason to cut myself anymore.  I left the bullshit behind and I didn’t need to cut anymore.  Not until my dumbass twin sister decided to pop back up in my life and rehash old wounds.

Tim looks away from me and he thinks for a moment.  He process everything I’ve just told him and for a moment, I think that will be the end of it.  I think we’ve finally turned a corner and saved our friendship.

Tim: Alright, fine.  I believe most of that, but you still could have told me.  Regardless of the fact that you had stopped.  I might have been able to help you when Riley showed up, but you couldn’t trust me with telling me.  It’s bullshit, Lex.  And I want to know why!

He turns and looks at me again and I can see him from the corner of my eye.  But I can’t look at him.

Lex: Tim, none of that matters anymore, alright?  So can you please just stop pressuring me talk about it?  You know my problem now, so can we just get back to the way things were before my sister decided to show up and screw things up?

Tim shakes his head and quickly gets back to his feet.  I’m a little taken back as he glares down at me, pissed off at me once again.

Tim: It does matter, Lex!  I have a pretty good idea that you’re keeping something from me again.  For whatever reason, you just can’t trust me, can you?  What I said earlier still stands.  You and I?  Outside of The Nobodies…we’re nothing.  You don’t want to trust me to confide in me?  Fine.  I’ll save us both the damn trouble!

He doesn’t even give me a chance to respond when he storms off down the beach and away from me.  I don’t try to stop him, because once again, he’s right.  My life is just one big complicated pile of shit that he wouldn’t understand so why bother telling him?  Despite all that, however, I’m still hurt as I watch my best friend walk away for about the millionth time in recent weeks.  Why couldn’t I just admit that I needed him?  Why couldn’t I just tell him that?

“Because you’re weak, Lex.  You’re weak, but you know what gives you strength.  Just take that blade out of your pocket, baby doll.”

Damn, she really knows how to kick me when I’m down, doesn’t she?  I shake my head but I do as she says and reach into my other pocket and take out my razor blade, staring at it in my hand for a few moments.

“Alexis, sweetie.  Don’t do it.  Go after Tim.  Tell him everything.  You need him.”

That sweet angel-like voice in my head tries to stop me before I make another cut.  Unfortunately for her, and me, she’s just a few minutes too late.  I pull my pant leg up and put the blade to my skin.

Lex: I might have believed that if you said that just five minutes ago.  But, I really need this now…

And before she can try and plead with me again, I rake the blade across my skin, making a fresh cut.  I close my eyes and take in a deep breath, relieved of the mental pain.  And as I lay back down in the sand, completely relaxed and at ease, the devilish voice in my mind laughs again, once again proud that I listened to her and not the angel-like side that was really looking out for my best interests.