”What the hell are you talking about? No way I’m goin’ through with that shit still.”The shuffling of feet can be heard rushing throughout the airport as Jamie Staggs, accompanied by his brother Tommy and their Dumbass University cronies, make their way through the terminal. Jamie pulls his beanie cap down further in an attempt to hide his messing morning hair (at 5pm in New York City). He frantically looks around as the BACW camera crew comes up on him. Jamie puts his bag down on the ground and sighs in frustration.
Jamie: Damn you guys are too quick, I swear! Look, I had this whole speech about kicking asses and taking names, a few Jersey Shore jokes, and trying to make you hate me more because I’m SCW, but I’m not even that stupid to continue on with that. I mean, it’s no secret that I’m dumb, but come on… So, um… I don’t know, think, think, think…
Jamie slaps himself hard across the face a few times as the camera man chuckles. His wheezing laughter is followed by an off camera finger pointing right at Jamie as he racks his tiny little brain.
Cameraman: Haha! Is this guy serious? He’s trying to beat the hell out of himself for real?
Tommy Staggs points a finger back at the cameraman, and with a stiff look that says “I’m gonna kick the crap outta ya”. The laughter slowly stops as Jamie practically pulls his hair out.
Jamie: No dude, I’m seriously freakin’ out right now. I came here to show that the Staggs family are team players while having a little bit of fun and picking on Ronnie Ortiz-Magro… I mean Giani Di Luca… Showing off some SC-Dubz pride while I was at it, but holy fucking wow that idea was thrown out of the window like ten minutes ago. Hey, I could do crazy?
Tommy: Nah, Spike and Kittie got that covered. Plus it seems like BACW is already an asylum. You could try being you?
Jamie: There’s no way I could pull that off! I’m not an actor, I’m a wres… Wait, I could be a… a… Like a zoo keeper, and bring animals down to the ring with me. How fucking awesome would it be to train a bear to interfere for me? Doin’ it SO HARD in two weeks at Last Rites!
The wheezing laughter is heard once again from behind the camera, and also Metalhead, Nate Starr, and Alex Bernhardt crack up behind them as Jamie is clearly in a daze thinking about a bear wrestling. Tommy looks at his brother, hoping that he will snap out of it, but an inevitable slap against the back of his head will have to do the trick. Jamie flinches at Tommy with a fist, but doesn’t go any further.
Tommy: Or, you know… You could just be you?
Jamie: Nah, I should like try being a guy from another fed who is passionate about it. Tell people that I’m better because of it. They would sooo hate that, and it’s completely different. Could you see it? I mean, first off, I would go and pick on that “Italian Stallion” douche to keep it fresh… I love it, what do you think?
Tommy stares at his excited brother, and he just slowly shakes his head. Jamie stomps his foot in protest as if to ask for an explanation, but Tommy just plants the palm of his right hand against his forehead.
Tommy: That is exactly what you were trying to get away from. It’s not different at all, actually, not even a little. Why not just try being you, bro?
Jamie: It’s different, because… ummm… It just is asshole. And NEVER… EEEEVER call me bro again! I could never just be… Hey! I got it. Why don’t I just drop the gimmick thing and just be me? I’m pretty awesome.
Tommy: Hey, that’s an original idea I didn’t mention three times already.
Jamie flinches at Tommy again, causing him to smack him across the back of the head. Jamie looks at his brother and slaps him across the face. The two engage in what almost appears to be two middle school girls fighting.
Cameraman: This… Batee is gonna love me after I show this shit to him. This dude’s a serious tard!
Jamie and Tommy both stop, and Jamie’s eyes grow wide as saucers. His nostrils flare up almost identical to an angry Spike. He balls up his fist and takes a few steps toward the cameraman.
Jamie: Hey! I resemble that remark! I oughta kick your teeth in you overweight prick… See if you like the feeling of shitting out your molars tubby. I would tell you to eat me, but I’m afraid you might try. You’re so fat you…
Jamie looks over to the cameraman and his face seems to slump a little. He sighs again, knowing that he has let his frustration get the better of him. He reaches over and pats the cameraman on the shoulder gently.
Jamie: I’m sorry… You really aren’t so fat that your many… many double chins make it look like you are staring at me from over a pile of pancakes. NOT! I really do think you’re fat and smell like KFC. DICK’D!
Jamie looks back to the cameraman who is starting to mutter things under his breath. Jamie then kicks him in the gut and motions for someone to take the camera. Tommy does the deed and he holds the camera over the man who looks like a live action version the comic book guy from The Simpsons, dressed in a BACW t-shirt. Jamie gets down at his level and looks down at the cameraman clutching his groin.
Jamie: You mealy mouthed sonuvabitch, maybe next time you will think before you diss… this! If you doubted it, you should have seen me take out almost the entire BACW roster in Grinder.
Jamie stands up, and his hand seems to cover the camera lens for a moment. He lifts it up and then uncovers it to show him standing in front of his buddies. Metalhead cheeses it up by sticking out his long tongue in a sort of rocker pose, complete with the hand gestures. Jamie nudges him out of the way, and tries to make a more serious face.
Jamie: Listen up you little panty waste. Yeah, I’m talking right to you Archie Gunn… I eat bitches like you for breakfast, so don’t even start talkin’ shit like you are bigger than me. I’m a Staggs for christsake! You think I give a shit about your eye make up and your wannabe Sid Vicious attitude? There is no way you could ever beat me on your best day. If you did, I would probably hang myself in the locker room because I got pinned by a guy wearing make up.
Jamie brings the camera up just a bit higher to look directly into it with his almost vacant blue eyes. He narrows them as he looks down into the lens.
Jamie: You want to call me a little piece of shit, that’s fine because as far as I am concerned, you ain’t even shit! Shit is what you want to be. You have a bone to pick with Batee because you got the unfortunate raw end of the deal? Of course I mean, because you gotta face me. I might not be a golden boy with lots of achievements and past titles, but that doesn’t mean I’m some easy win to get your shit record back on track. If you want to think I’m some knock over, then you got another thing comin’… Oh yes I did…
Jamie and his friends break out in a vocalized version of the guitar riff from the classic Judas Priest song. Jamie does the air guitar part as Metalhead bangs his head. Tommy is heard laughing, and from the side to side movement of the camera, you can tell that Tommy is shaking his head at them. Finally Jamie stops and regains some of his focus.
Jamie: I just… I can’t believe that this guy actually thinks he stands any chance of beating me. And he acts like I am some n00b that just stepped into the ring. Did he not see me schooling Grinder? Did he not see me come within an inch of winning the BACW Empire State Championship on the last TVMA? Does he live under a rock, because I fucking rock the ring. I rock any ring. Four sided, six sided, fifty-four sided… If they invented that, I’d rock it. I’m such a genius.
Jamie nods his head as if he has convinced himself very well of this fact. He gets a smug smirk on his face as he nods his head. Suddenly an idea hits him and you would think it was the first time in his life by his reaction and cheesy grin.
Jamie: Only thing I do agree with the punk about is the talk of the Dynasty. Oh my gawd, really? That’s way 80’s. Plus, like I swear I just had this conversation the other day with someone. That name is way overdone. Everyone has been a member of a “Dynasty”, hell even I was. When Charlie’s Angels come around though, I’m gonna have to go on leave so I could be their groupie… right?!? Anyway, just coz you made a good joke doesn’t mean I’m not gonna still kick your ass, Gunn…
Jamie looks down at a piece of paper in a bit of confusion. He even goes as far as the scratch his forehead as he remains perplexed over something on the paper. He holds it out to Nate Starr and Alex Bernhardt to confirm his suspicions. They both shrug their shoulders as he confers with them. Jamie crumbles the paper up and tosses it over his shoulder.
Jamie: Okay, so, I like to talk shit about all opponents equally. The sad thing is that I don’t even know who the fuck Kimo Newton is. At least Archie Gunn had the balls to put up a promo, but this Kimo Newton is some unknown piece of trash I will have to deal with in the ring at Last Rites. I guess he doesn’t matter enough to have any information out there about him. Oh well, I’m not ignoring you, you just don’t mean shit to anyone, Kimo. Sorry you didn’t get your ass handed to you with this verbal assault, but when we meet in the ring, I promise I will do it physically.
Jamie grabs onto the camera lens and looks down into it, bringing it closer and closer to his face, until that is all that is visible. He breathes heavily for a moment before a smile spreads across his face.
Jamie: I’ve had enough of talking to you dorks. I’m gonna go take advantage of being single again. Gonna get it on with a classy New York bird. SCHAHHH-WING!
Jamie rips the camera from his brother’s hands and tosses it hard against the ground. Before impact, Jamie does some sort of sideways kick that sends it flying against the post in the terminal. The feed goes into a static as the scene fades… TO BLACK!
