July 15
It was the day after my win over Seleana Zdunich and I was absolutely feeling great. The win in and of itself was a solid feeling, but more than anything, making amends with Seleana was what really put it over the top for me. I took a sigh of relief knowing that I no longer had to carry that burden of the grudge I had against her and I was back in Flagstaff, Arizona having lunch with Eddie, my older brother. He was initially a skeptic of me going back to Sin City Wrestling, but he was beginning to come around on the idea after the day before.
“I never thought I would say this, but maybe going back was in fact, the best thing for you.”
“I never thought that I would never go back there, you know? Granted, I hate to say that there’s a person or two that I never want to see again but still…”
“Andrea, I understand that it meant a great deal to you that Seleana forgave you and that everything is bygones with her. But, you can’t have it one way, you know? You can’t be forgiven, but not forgive yourself.”
I was starting to grow a little bit confused as to what my brother was getting at, though I felt like I was understanding what he was saying.
“You’re going to disagree with me on this, Eddie. But, in my book, there are some people that you cross in life that you just don’t forgive at all.”
“I absolutely disagree with that. Some would call what Dad did… with cheating on Mom and having Savannah out of wedlock with another woman… unforgivable.”
I winced, knowing all too well to be true.
“I know that Dad was someone that you looked up to very much, but we both know he wasn’t a saint and we both know how he only trained you to be a wrestler to keep the tradition alive for a fifth generation. Of course, I vouched for you too and all of that. He hurt you a hell of a lot during that time on an emotional level but you continued to forgive him every single time. It’s the right thing to do, but I don’t want you to be hypocritical about forgiveness, you know?”
“Yeah, you have a point. Mom’s a saint for being able to move past that to the best of her ability. I can only imagine how horribly difficult it was to have found out about that affair after Dad died…”
I sighed, remembering that whirlwind of a summer that ultimately changed me for the worst in Sin City Wrestling four years ago.
“You forgave Myra Rivers for what she put you through back in GCW eight years ago and you can make a very strong argument that what she did to you back then was worse than basically anyone in SCW has ever done to you…”
I was biting my lower lip, feeling like I was eating shit more than anything.
“Now all these years later, you basically treat Myra as if she was a big sister to you.”
I sighed, knowing there wasn’t much I can say to this.
“Forgiveness goes both ways, Andrea. I want this thing with SCW to work the second time around a hell of a lot better than it did the first time around and I’m definitely not saying that it didn’t work the first time around. But I feel as if it’s going to work the second time around, you’ve got to get past everything that anchored you the first time. Who in the hell has wronged you to the point where you can’t forgive them and what have they done to you that was so horrible?”
When I was asked this, I had some angry feelings come up again. I was remembering arguably the worst summer of my career back in 2020, which very possibly is the worst summer I ever had in my life. I thought about losing the World title to Evie Jordan (which didn’t sting nearly as much these days), the abuse I endured from that woman, how I was thrown to the wolves against Masque something right before my winning streak was about to hit 20, and even as recently as last summer when Roxi Johnson made up so much lies about me to the point where I could’ve easily taken her to court. I also thought about Krystal Wolfe and her “washed up former Bombshell” comments. A couple of deep breaths later, I was able to filter out what I had already forgiven and what was still bothering me.
“You’re not going to be surprised by the fact that Evie isn’t exactly someone I ever thought of forgiving…”
“Of course…”
“Not after she buried me into the dirt and led this slander campaign against me about how I was the worst SCW Bombshells World Champion ever after only 6 weeks into my reign because I wasn’t calling out the entire locker room and then having a whole bunch of bitches jump in on it and then continued to run up the score after the fact. Literally the worst instance of bullying I’ve ever dealt with in my career…”
“I think there’s a little hyperbole there, but I get it…”
“Roxi… and it has nothing to do with anything in my first run. Remember when she went up against Julianna last year and she thought she could be slick and completely trash and slander me without name dropping me thinking I wasn’t going to catch wind of it?”
“How did you NOT sue that woman?” Eddie asked me.
“All the lies… from saying I blamed everything on her, saying that I ‘did nothing’ with my win over her even though that win was part of that 18 match winning streak and I won the Bombshells Internet Championship, then… UGH… I fucking hate that woman and the fact that she’s going to be at next week’s show, wrestling… I didn’t even hate her until she did that to me and she’s never apologized for being wrong and she never will. She’s still a piece of shit to me as far as I’m concerned.”
“Understandable, but you’ve got to move past what you’ve mentioned at some point.”
“Hey guys…” I heard another male voice say and I was immediately frozen when I looked up and I saw Roddy, my oldest brother, sitting down with us. Unlike the close relationship I had with Eddie, I had a horrible relationship with Roddy.
“...I told you to stay away from me…” I said with anger in my voice.
“I invited him…” Eddie admitted to me, catching me off guard.
“WHAT?!?!?! Eddie, you KNOW better…”
“I think it’s about time we put the past behind us…” Roddy adds. “You don’t deserve to carry the burden of how horrible I treated you growing up anymore.”
“I’m being double teamed here… WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!”
“Andrea, it’s not like that!” he said as I stood up.
“I’m NOT fucking doing this and I don’t fucking appreciate being blindsided like this! This is fucked up Eddie, you know that of all the people in my life that have wronged me, THIS piece of shit… who spent most of my childhood bullying me, abusing me, wishing that I was never born… I will NEVER, EVER forgive him! EVER! YOU…”
I looked at Roddy and almost felt like vomiting.
“...YOU are THE FUCKING REASON why I’ve had the issues that I’ve had as a person over the years with my confidence, self-esteem and everything! It’s ALL BECAUSE OF YOU! As a matter of fact, that summer I had four years ago… it’s really YOUR FAULT!”
“Andrea…” Eddie said, trying to calm me down while Roddy was taken aback.
“I would’ve been WAY stronger in 2020… and my whole career in general, if THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT didn’t break me down REPEATEDLY when we were growing up! I’m done… I’m NOT doing this…”
Eddie tried to get me to stay but I was out of that scene faster than one can blink. The walk to my car was a blur and I slammed the door, turned the car on and drove far enough away to where my brothers weren’t going to catch up to me. Anger was pouring through me… sadness even more so…
“How can I ever forgive him for everything he’s done to me? If I had it my way that piece of shit would’ve been in prison for life…”
I couldn’t help it at this point. The horrible childhood memories began to flood back…
Summer 2002
It was a random Sunday at the park that all of us went to. Eight year old me got bored from being on the swings all of a sudden and I saw my brothers tossing a baseball back and forth between each other. My naive nature lead me to walk up to them hoping that I could be included. After all, being the “baby” of the family had its daunting challenges. Roddy, who was 13 at this point, saw me and rolled his eyes.
“What do you want?” he asked me.
“Can I play?” I asked in a shy fashion.
“You like baseball?” Eddie asked me with surprise and I nodded my head.
“Go get hit by a train Andrea…” Roddy responded, catching my by surprise. “...baseball is a boy sport. If you can’t get hit by a train, maybe help Mom clean up the picnic table or something and get the desserts set up. That’s more of a girl thing…”
“BRO, come on…” Eddie said to him, obviously disgusted while I had tears in my eyes.
“Our lives were better without a sister, Eddie…”
“You’re MEAN!!!!” I said with the tears flowing down my face. “You never let me do ANYTHING!”
“I’ll tell you what’s mean Andrea… the fact that Mom gave birth to you when I never wanted a sister… now go cry to Mom or something”
“You’re unbelievable Roddy… Andrea, you don’t have to lis…”
Tears were flooding my face as I ran away from my brothers and wanted to get back to my parents as soon as possible to tell them what just happened.
September 2005
On Labor Day, I was hanging out in the stands of my father’s wrestling school and training facility and Roddy was with my father as he was about to start training for the first time.
“Son, you have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for this day…” my father said to him, beaming with pride. “...we’ve got another generation in our family about to take on the wrestling world.”
“I’m ready Dad…” he told him.
“It’s a father’s dream in this business to bring up his son, you know that.”
My father was suddenly interrupted by his phone ringing.
Eleven year old me was in awe by the environment that I was in and I was absolutely hoping that in at least five years time, I would be in that same spot Roddy was in right now.
“...shouldn’t you be helping Mom clean the kitchen or something?”
I groaned internally as he turned to look at me.
“Be nice, son…” my father told him. “You can’t be rude to any type of audience watching. Not for nothing Andrea, but what brings you here?”
“Um… well… I just wanted to support Roddy because it’s his big day…”
“That’s very sweet of you, Andrea…” my father said. “I’m glad to see you respect our family’s tradition.”
“That’s going to be me one day too, you know…”
Roddy just burst out laughing while my father sighed.
“YOU? A wrestler? I thought you moved past that dreamer’s phase…”
“No, I really want to do this…”
“Andrea, you know that girls in our family don’t wrestle…” my father reminded me. “The wrestling business wouldn’t be good for you at all.”
“You should listen to Dad. He’s right. You’re too much of a flower to even consider doing this. Besides, I have to be real. Women in general don’t belong in wrestling aside from taking each other’s clothes off…”
“SON…”
“It’s the truth, Dad! If it wasn’t, a woman in our family would’ve been a wrestler by now.”
“Still, show some respect. You’re going to marry someone and raise the next generation of our family someday.”
“Why should I respect yours and mom’s little accident over there?” he asked me as I burst into tears. “She’s a worthless piece of shit and if she were dying of thirst in the desert, I’d let the vultures take her.”
My father angrily and legitimately punches him right in the face knocking him down to the mat.
“What the fuck…” he said as he holds his jaw.
“It’s called being ‘stiffed’, son… and that’s what happens when you have no fucking respect…”
Once again, I was running out of a scene crying…
Spring 2008
Months before he’d get busted for armed robbery, we had an extended family dodgeball game going on down in Mexico near the historic family ranch. Roddy and I were on opposite teams. The game started and I ran up to grab a ball and throw it. Before I can blink, I got knocked to the ground with a ball right in the face. I briefly touched my nose and saw blood on my hand causing me to freak out. I could hear Roddy laughing at me before he got hit in the chest himself. He didn’t even care that he was eliminated. He was far happier that I was bleeding and crying while fearing that my nose was broken.
“Your tears bring me joy, Andrea…” he said with a laugh as other family members came down to help me. I was asked if I was okay and I said “no” while a cousin of ours placed a towel on my nose to stop the bleeding. They led me away from the game while my brother continued his verbal abuse.
“You’ll NEVER amount to anything…” he says right at me as he tries to follow me. “You’re a weak little shit and you’ll always be a bottom feeding piece of trash. I will ALWAYS hate you for even existing…”
“Good god, leave her alone already…” I could hear our uncle tell him as he pushes him away from me. I sat down on the bench, once more in tears, as a couple of my cousins checked on my face.
“Nothing’s broken…”
I was relieved as my uncle came back toward me.
“Andrea, I’m so sorry about your brother. The way he treats you is sickening…”
“I hate him…” I said through my tears. “I hate him so much…”
Nobody in my family was more relieved than I was when a few months later, he ended up in prison for attempted armed robbery knowing he was never going to hurt me again.
July 15
“Why should I forgive him?” I thought to myself in my car. “Actually, why should I forgive anyone that wronged me in SCW in general?”
Anger filled my heart as I drove away wanting nothing to do with the situation at hand at all. At that moment, I wanted to forget that Roddy even existed as years of hurt and anger was consuming me inside.
July 27, 2024
The camera was on me as I was sitting on the bed of my bedroom back at the house I grew up in, in Sedona, Arizona. I was staring at a closet that definitely had some haunting memories for me growing up, particularly as it pertains to my oldest brother, but even from that, I knew I had to stay strong and as I expressed my thoughts, strong was exactly how I felt.
“Let’s talk about forgiveness, shall we?
I’m personally glad and thrilled to have gotten that win over Seleana Zdunich and I’m not going to downplay that for a fact. But beyond that, I am more thrilled about the fact that things are good between us and for me, that was a more significant step toward where I went to get to in this company on my return back. So thank you, Seleana, for being so open minded and forgiving. Still, as I look ahead to this match, I’m not sure what to make of it. It’s a triple threat match that’s seemingly random. Maybe my opponents might think that, but I know what this opportunity means for me. I’m facing two women that were recently in the Blast from the Past tournament, both of whom even got past the first round. Kallie Reznik and Diamond Steele are going to be two tough opponents, I’m never going to downplay that. But I know deep down in my heart that when it’s all said and done, I’m going to prove to be the one woman of the three that wants this more. In fact, I’ve thrived in triple threats during my time here. I won the SCW Bombshells World Championship in a triple threat. The last time I wrestled at a High Stakes? I was the SCW Bombshells Internet Champion and I retained, in a triple threat, against Alicia Lukas and Keira Fischer. I know that High Stakes was when? 2021? But still, my record here proves that when the chips are down, I can get it done and I HAVE got it done and you can say whatever the hell you want to say about that Bombshells World Championship reign.
Even I admit that it wasn’t one to my liking because it ended far too fucking soon…
You can call me a “bad champion”... like SO many people were doing back at that time…
You can degrade me and try to bury me as someone that “dropped the ball” with the championship if you want to listen to the slanderous, lawsuit-worthy rhetoric of a piece of shit that thankfully will never exist in this company again…
But, compared to my opponents at least? I can say that I’ve BEEN a world champion here. They can’t say that. Still…
Kallie?
I’ve got to be honest with you. I SHOULD have a degree of envy toward you. I SHOULDN’T like you. It’s got nothing to do with your in ring abilities. You wouldn’t have been a Blast from the Past semifinalist if you didn’t have any talent at all and on top of that, you did carry a pure rookie that far. But the thing is? I don’t hate you. I don’t hold a damn thing against you. But the reason why I SHOULD is because I see you and I see who I used to be at one point in my career…
That perky, bubbly, innocent go getter that wouldn’t harm a fly nor would allow herself to be harmed by a damn thing. In fact, you remind me of me before I won that SCW Bombshells World Championship where I was just going with the flow and doing the best that I had to do to prove myself in this company and I wasn’t giving two fucks about what someone had to say. When I first came here, I never imagined that I would break away from what I was and become so jaded and so hated. I never imagined I would allow my insecurities to consume me and for the darkness to take over. I never, ever thought that I would’ve ever had to suffer through what I’ve had to suffer through and yes, much of that I brought upon myself, and yes, you can think that maybe the fact that you haven’t gone down the dark path that I’ve gone down here might give you a window of an advantage over me…
But what if I told you that it doesn’t?
What if I told you that the reason why I don’t dislike you or even envy you for the fact that you’ve been able to stay on the straight and narrow is because the fact that I didn’t during my first time here is what gives ME an advantage?
You see Kallie, you’ve lost matches here before. You’ve had your struggles. You’ve never lost yourself through it all and I admire your strength on that, but the fact is, the reason why you’re still trying to push at the ceiling to break through it is that you’re a little TOO on the straight and narrow. Like I said, you’re a sweetheart and remind me of me from earlier in my career and while I’m not going to go as far as saying that you are any of those things…
That version of me? I have to be honest.
She wasn’t weak, but she was fragile.
She was easy to get inside the head of.
She was way too focused on trying too hard and proving people wrong.
She was carrying burdens of her past, wrestling wise and personally, with her because she was on a mission to prove everyone wrong every single match.
She was thrown into the Bombshells World Championship picture far too soon, before she was ready, if we’re being completely honest.
As talented as you are, you’ve never been through the adversity that I’ve been through and in my book, that makes me a stronger, more experienced wrestler than you. You’ve never had your “I’ve fucked up” era as far as I know. You’ve never slipped and fallen as far as I have, when I was in my own space of self-torment and being consumed by all the darkness that I had going on in my life and career four years ago that would define my first run here. You as far as I can tell… are VERY fortunate that you’ve never had to deal with the darkness that I have…
It helps that you have the support system that I never did…
But I have experienced things that I’m sure to a degree you’ve never had to experience. If you had faced me two to four years ago, you would’ve had someone at her weakest point, someone that hated herself, doubted herself, didn’t want to be the kind of person that she was, but felt that she had to be. You’re still too early into your career to understand my perspective and I HOPE you never fall down the rabbit hole that I did… yet it’s ironic that I’m better and stronger in my own right for doing so. That’s what makes me confident that I can come into this match, with the perspective that I have, and that I can beat someone like you…
And then you have Diamond…”
I sigh as some anger fills me. I was remembering the past that I had with her, none of it good.
“People change, people grow. I know I have. I know you haven’t. That Blast from the Past promo, I watched that and I saw the wrestler that I’m GLAD I stopped being. Look Diamond… Kate… whatever… we’ve never had a good history. I remember those years ago you were one of the LOUDEST people on the “HATE ANDREA” bandwagon that was rooting for me to fail. You were one of those bitches saying I was overrated and calling me a flash in the pan and while it’s been years, don’t think I’ve forgotten. I have every reason to go into this being super bitter toward you but considering Seleana forgave me for the past and isn’t bitter anymore, pulling a Krystal Wolfe and holding that against you wouldn’t make me any better than you.
In fact, if I came into this match wanting to finally silence you for the past, I wouldn’t be any better than… well… YOU!
It’s a shame that someone like you, talented as you are, has to drown in her own misery. You were doing so then, and you’re still doing so now. Hearing you rant about how you should’ve been moved up the card after Myra beat you for the Internet Championship only for it not to happen, then hearing you complain about how SCW will never see you as a main event star, then hearing you talk about how people are going to respect you and see you as that main event star and the question that I have for you is “HOW?” when in that one promo, I see a person that has barely grown, if at ALL, who carries the same old attitude that she had four years ago. Girl, maybe if you ever get the FUCK over yourself, you might finally get the results that you want. MAYBE if you were more consistent, or if you won your major opportunities more often or if you… I don’t know… put your money where your mouth has always been more often, then maybe you’d have been a world champion by now? I’m not knocking you for your desire. It’s always been there.
But the way you’ve always carried out your desire with your terrible attitude toward everything around here…
This is why whenever you come back, you have more people rolling their eyes and wondering how long you’re going to last before you go away again rather than having people jumping out of their chairs excited to see you. Even your own Blast from the Past partner couldn’t fucking stand you and as much of a jerk as Jayden Harris is, that I will agree on for a fact, you didn’t help out your own situation at all. If it were me, I would’ve ignored what he was saying, rather than letting what he was saying eat at me. In fact, Kate, you’re not that far different from the woman that I was the first time I was here. I see everything personality wise: demanding respect, blaming everyone else for their problems, venting about this, venting about that, not letting go of this thing that happened years ago, not letting go of that thing that happened months ago…
Much of it is exactly the same and while in my case, I still had an undefeated 2021, won 18 matches in a row, became one of the longest reigning Internet champions in my own right, I look at that and while I can be proud of the fact that I even accomplished THAT much in SPITE of myself, I also look back on that with a little regret and sadness knowing what I could’ve… hell SHOULD’VE accomplished if I didn’t get in my own way. That’s the biggest difference between you and me at this point in my career now, Kate.
I’m the one that has learned to stop getting in her own fucking way and has exorcised the demons that I was allowing to fester and weigh me down from my fullest potential…
I OWN that I was miserable in my first run here because I ALLOWED myself to be, even if the way I was treated by people like you at the time was completely uncalled for when all I wanted to do was make the best out of my own dream and to make the most out of being in a main event scene I will be the first to admit I was rushed into, too fast. I OWN my shit. I heard that promo from your tournament quarterfinals match, and I didn’t hear you own a damn fucking thing.
YOU’RE the one that CHOOSES to stay in her own way, to stay bitter, to still carry a grudge against whatever or whoever the fuck she wants to blame for her own problems. YOU’RE the one bitching about people overlooking you for years and thinking that you need to overcome people thinking you’re not good enough.
FUCK that thought process Kate…
You don’t need to overcome something STUPID like that. WHO CARES if people think you’re not good enough?
You think I care about what people think of me anymore? Four years ago, I did and I took bullshit from people like you to heart too much.
NOT anymore, however.
That “perception” that you feel people have of you is not only a perception that you created in your own head, but one that, with your constant inconsistency and inability to get over the hump, YOU have manifested on your own.
It’s time to grow the fuck up Kate. You’re older than me and you’ve got more years of experience than me. Start acting like a veteran for a change. I shouldn’t have a better perspective on all of this than you do and yet, it’s reality because you can’t get the fuck out of your own way nor can you get the fuck out of that damn cycle you’ve been in since before I even came to SCW at all.
I am eternally grateful that I snapped out of it, that I grew up, and that I started to own my shit because the fucking reality is, Kate…
That if I DIDN’T?
A few years from now?
I would’ve been you with the only difference being a world title to her name. Learn to acknowledge your own shit, Kate. Learn to forgive yourself for your mistakes once you recognize them.
Maybe THEN you’ll get that respect and main event status that you crave SO BAD but can’t remain consistent enough to achieve.
I have forgiven myself for mine and learned to have grown from them and that’s why I’m confident that next weekend?
I WILL have that victory and I WILL take that step forward."
I took a deep breath at this point and then shut off the camera. I stayed back, definitely feeling that fire within me, before I left the room, shut the door and started to focus on packing for the cruise.
