June 30
It was a surreal feeling having a match in Sin City Wrestling for the first time in over two years. That feeling definitely turned into happiness once I went in that ring and I defeated Krystal Wolfe, all but silencing two years of her bashing me and name dropping me and trying to say that my reasons for leaving were all a lie. As i walked into the parking lot, I definitely felt a sense that it was a new beginning for me. I wasn’t surprised that I defeated Krystal Wolfe, but my brother Eddie approaching me in the parking lot certainly was considering how I remember his feelings about my previous tenure in SCW. I let him break the ice as I popped the trunk of my car open and put my bag in it.
“I hate to admit it…” my brother began. “But whatever worries I had about you coming back to SCW seem to be wrong… at least for one night.”
I closed the trunk and looked back at him, my happiness mixed with that skeptical feeling knowing that he threatened to cut me off if I didn’t leave SCW… a fact that I was about to bring up.
“That’s funny coming from someone that was going to cut me off if I didn’t leave SCW two years ago.”
“I stand by that, Andrea. I know that was hard for you to hear and definitely feel, but I did it for your own good. Being here was destroying you. The kind of person that you became while you were here before just saddened the hell out of me because I’ve always known you better than that. I apologize for your feelings being hurt by that, but I was left with no other choice.”
“I take it you’re not happy I decided to go back…” I said with a sigh. I even folded my arms a bit. “I just want you to say it so we can move forward. I don’t want to fight about it.”
“With time, I realize it’s better for you that you did…” my brother admitted to me, putting me in a bit of a shock. “...you had to get away when you did, if not earlier than that. In fact, you should’ve taken a break of a month or two when Dad died…”
“I agree…” I said, allowing him to continue.
“I knew you were too strong to allow what you were the first time you were here to be the definition of your legacy. But, I have to warn you…”
“Don’t lecture me about how mean spirited some people can be. I get that I succumbed to that the first time around, but I’m many years older and many years smarter.”
My brother chuckled for a bit, knowing that I wasn’t liking that he was overprotecting me.
“...I’m not even worried about that aspect of it, Andrea. I wasn’t warning you about the environment. You’ve been in SCW before. You know what to expect. I just wanted to remind you that the other Bombshells aren’t going to just let the past go so easily. I get that Krystal hates you so her viewpoints are definitely biased. But you’ve got a fair handful of other women here that have stuck around all of these years and you’re suddenly not going to be loved like nothing happened…”
I sighed, showing my reluctance to how true this was.
“...and it wasn’t that long ago you wrote that long ass social media blog going after Roxi Johnson when you have her blocked on Twitter…”
This was when I felt really annoyed.
“Would you rather me have kept my mouth shut while that idiot was slandering me in her promo against Julianna DiMaria and making up a bunch of lies about me like how I did “nothing” with my win over her when that “nothing” was going that entire year undefeated and winning the Internet title?”
“I’m just pointing out a fact, Andrea. You’ve got an uphill battle and it’s not with yourself. Hell, it’s got nothing to do with your abilities, even. The fact of the matter is that your battle is facing what you were the last time you were in SCW and proving to yourself that you’re better than that. You don’t have to prove a damn thing to anyone else but you have to show that you’re better than what you were before. That’s why I think it was better that you went back. I know you, sis. Your career wouldn’t have felt whole at all if you didn’t come back and fix everything from before.”
I had a bit of a worried look on my face with half of my mind wanting to sweep what my brother just said under the rug and the other half realizing he was right and there was no way around it. He caught onto it right away.
“I wouldn’t worry…” Eddie said, wrapping an arm around me. “...you’re going to figure it out. If you’re worried about it, if you’re scared of facing what you were head on, I won’t judge you for it. I want you to succeed in SCW, you know that. You were great out there against Krystal and you definitely were the Andrea that SCW fans hadn’t seen in nearly four years.”
“Thank you”, I said, still feeling a bit meek.
“You’re not going to lose your head again…” my brother assured me as he pulled me into a hug I didn’t hesitate to return. “...you’ve got this and I’ve got your back.”
“Thanks!”
We parted ways at this point, but from that point on, the thought of confronting that past was starting to linger…
The next day?
All I could think about was the moment I decided to embrace a dark path that destroyed me in the end…
September 27, 2020
It was the morning of Violent Conduct that year. Nobody knew that on this day, I was going to backstab and assault Crystal Hilton. The thought had crossed my mind and I was back and forth on it and even here, I was struggling with my decision. I was at rock bottom after everything I went through in the summer. I was missing my father, who died three months prior, immensely. It reached a point where I would just imagine I was talking to him to cope with my grief and as I was sitting down on my hotel room bed, that’s exactly what I was doing.
“I can’t do it…” I said to my father in my own imagination. I was picturing him standing across from me almost against the opposite wall.
“You don’t like Christina anyway…” my father reminded me. “You never have. You never wanted to be her friend in the first place. None of the other Bombshells like her all of that much. What do you have to lose at this point?”
“She’s the only one in SCW that actually cares about me…” I reminded my father. “I don’t want to give everyone else in the locker room a real reason to hate me…”
“Andrea… hey, listen to me princess…” I imagined him telling me as my eyes were starting to fill with tears. “They’re going to hate you whether you attack Christina tonight or not. Think about how it’s been for you this summer. Think about how you had more than half of the locker room rooting for you to lose the world title and how people were finding every little reason in the book to hate you. Even Christina herself has taken shots at you. You’ve been called things like a flash in the pan, you have Keira Fisher… KEIRA FISHER… writing you off and picking at your downfall. To hell with ALL of them, Andrea. Stop worrying about what THEY think. This isn’t about them, it’s about you…”
I was shaking a bit, just letting my father go on on this cold, brutal conversation that was taking place in my own mind.
“...your career has been in the ditch since I passed away. What is playing nice any further going to get you, Andrea? You can stay as you are and flounder for the rest of your career and watch it get cut short well before you turn 30 or you can change things, embrace that hate and not only bring yourself back, but you can rise to a higher level than before and you can stick it to every single one of those two faced bitches. The choice is obvious: wreck Christina Rose… Crystal Hilton… whatever name she wants to go by.”
“If you were in my shoes, Dad, is that what you’d be doing? To her own father?”
“Absolutely. You deserve better…”
I suddenly felt this cold sensation on my cheek where a tear was falling and when I touched it, the tear was gone. I felt in my heart that it was my father’s spirit wiping that tear away.
“...you’ll be letting me down if you keep going down the path to nowhere you’ve been on since Evie Jordan and I know that’s the last thing that you want to do.”
“I miss you so much…” I said, feeling that emptiness with him being gone. “I just want everything to be better again. I don’t want to suffer this horrible pain I’ve had since losing that world title…”
“Then you do what you and I both know needs to be done: wreck Christina. Leave her career for dead! It’s the only way things will ever be better again…”
“You got it…” I said to him, finalizing the moment where I made the decision that later on in the night, I would assault Crystal Hilton and leave her in a wreckage in the middle of the ring after giving her a brainbuster through a flatscreen in front of the whole world to see.
While things got better for me later on with the aforementioned undefeated 2021 and the Internet Championship, the pain that I had mentioned regarding the world title and what I felt after losing it wouldn’t go away for the rest of my maiden SCW run. The moment I wrecked Crystal was the moment I sold my soul to the devil…
…and it’d be one of my most painful regrets, even to this day.
July 9, 2024
I was letting out an angry sigh on my couch while my longtime friend Clarissa Vega, who broke ties with me during my awful darkness spell in SCW yet thankfully reestablished ties once I got out of it, was sitting with me.
“What’s wrong?” she asked me. “You haven’t seemed like yourself the entire time I’ve been here today…”
There was a sense of sadness that had been going in and out of my heart and my conscience ever since my return win against Krystal. I was remembering how I was treating her before. I remembered when I turned on Hilton, when I won the award for Most Hated, when I was mocking people during their downtrodden times, when Keira and I were feuding and the “Karen” episode was going on, the spats on Twitter with Christian Underwood and everything in between.
None of it felt good.
“There’s been this pain in my heart…” I admitted to Clarissa who suddenly looked gravely worried.
“We have to get you to the ER…”
“...not THAT kind of pain…” I said, relieving her a bit.
“What’s going on? We were chatting up a storm up until your win against Krystal and you were so happy that you beat her but since then, you’ve been frequently melancholy. You’re not regretting going back to SCW are you?”
I shook my head.
“I don’t regret going back. But I regret the first time around. I don’t know what this pain in my heart is, but every time I think about it, I feel horrible. I feel so ashamed of myself that I acted the way I did. I think back to how I was back then and how that was never supposed to be anything like me. I think back to what I thought I’ve always been in my heart and compare that person to the person I was in SCW before and I hate myself so much for falling as far as I did. It was never supposed to be like that. I don’t know what this is, Clarissa. Why do I feel like this? Why can’t this pain in my heart go away?”
“That’s guilt, Andrea. You’re ashamed of who you were and the actions that you took and because of former insecurities within yourself, you took it out on so many different people, hurt many people, pushed away others and burned your bridges. You’re not that person anymore and you never will be again.”
“If only I beat Evie one time…” I said with some tears going down my face. “...none of that ever happens. Maybe if I just took that hiatus after my dad died… or if I didn’t lose that match on Father’s Day to Crystal and Roxi a mere week and change after the fact. I hate that part of my career, I hate that I was ever like that, I hate that it ever happened at all and the worst part about that is that it’s all my fault and I have nobody to blame but myself…”
I looked at Clarissa who was quick to hug me.
“It’s alright…”
“What if it’s not?” I asked as she broke away from the hug. “What if I fuck up again?”
“You’re NOT…” Clarissa said to assure me in a rather direct tone.
“How do I know someone from the past won’t be out to end my career to try and give me receipts for back then?”
“You’ve got to pay your dues all over again…” Clarissa reminded me. “You’re not going to fix things overnight. That guilt isn’t going to go away until you come to terms with everything that happened and until you face up to your actions. You can’t run away from what you did anymore. Wishing that you were never that person isn’t going to fix anything. This next match for you is going to weigh heavy on you because you and I both know that you’re about to face someone that you wronged multiple times in the past and I wouldn’t be surprised if Krystal’s reaction to your return isn’t an aberration at all. You may have grown up plenty since your last SCW run and I can happily testify to that. But if you want to put the past behind you, you’re going to have to face it and overcome it. If that means beating Seleana, then so be it.”
“I wouldn’t blame her if she still hated me…” I admitted.
“Don’t worry about it. Do what you need to do. You can do this and you’ve got more people behind you than ever. Dealing with that guilt is a bitch, Andrea. But it’s all part of that process. I suggest you take the time and write down what you feel you are as a person and what you need to do to actually BE who you feel you really are. You’re going to realize you’ll fall short in certain areas, but that vision of that person that you feel you can be is something to strive for.”
“I’ll look into that…” I responded. “Thanks for that. I’m sorry. I let this feeling get the better of me but I have to face this… I WILL face this… I WILL overcome this… and the Andrea that was in SCW before? I fucking promise you that I will make sure she stays in that grave and that I never have to be haunted by her ghost again…”
While my guilt was still causing the pain I was experiencing in my heart, I was beginning to feel a sense of determination that was balancing it out. I almost wanted to laugh because I realized that at this point so early in my second SCW run, that just like my first time around, I was my own worst enemy. It started with Krystal, and this Sunday I’m going to continue to take that next step to defeat that person that I used to be…
July 12, 2024
I found myself wearing a dark purple gown while I had a portion purple hyacinth flower pinned to the right strap of the dress. When the camera was on me, I was looking at a small portrait of the worst moment of my entire SCW career: which was losing the SCW Bombshells World Championship to Evie Jordan. I took a deep breath after a while before I put the picture face down on the floor and looked at the camera.
“I’m a mixed bag of emotions tonight. I’m definitely happy that I beat Krystal Wolfe in my return match and I am excited that I got a fresh start in SCW considering the past reputation that I had here. Yet, for the last two weeks I’ve felt so much guilt. Seleana, I want you to take a close look on the flower of my dress. I don’t know if you believe in symbolisms and metaphors and things like that, but the hyacinth on my dress is a symbolism of guilt. This flower carries a message of deep regret and sorrow and it’s a flower that I’ve grown used to having in my garden lately. I know that you and I share a history, Seleana. I understand that said history isn’t good for the most part and I take full responsibility for that. I know that I used you as a stepping stone to get to Crystal all those years ago during a regretful part of my career and you deserved so much better than that because prior to any of that happening, you had never done me wrong. I remember some of the things that I used to say to you. I remember how I used to treat you. I remember mocking you so openly for your career and the state of where it was at. There’s obviously far too much to remember word for word considering that the bridge between us? I basically took an extra large flamethrower to that. We should’ve been on better terms… and because of me… and ONLY because of me… we weren’t…
To say that I carry regrets about my first run in Sin City Wrestling would be the understatement of the year. One of my bigger ones, believe it or not, is you. I think about your marriage, your family… the pain that I caused your family through you just because I was ont his vengeance thirst against Crystal and it SUCKS knowing that it was me that caused it. I think back to where your career was just prior to then, when you were coming off a pretty solid run with the SCW Bombshells Roulette Championship and how you went into some harsher times after that… harsher times in which you still happen to find yourself in… and I can’t help but ask if I’m responsible for that in some way. Were my actions the reason why your career stalled around that time? Were they the reasons why you haven’t been able to taste a championship since you lost the Roulette Championship?
I hope like hell not…
But if that’s the way you feel, then I definitely understand.
I am deeply sorry and regretful for the damage that my actions toward you have done to your career and most importantly, your family. I mean that from the bottom of my heart and I swear on my father’s grave that’s what I mean. We’ve had many one on one battles over the years, every single one of them fueled by animosity between us that I caused… except for one…
You were my last successful Bombshells Internet Championship defense that I attained before I lost the title, but obviously that’s not the exception that I just brought up.
I don’t want for anything between us to be remembered by that match. I want this to be a fresh start for both of us and I don’t want this fresh start to jump from that Internet title match. No, I want this fresh start to jump from the first match we ever had against each other. Do you remember that match, Seleana? Late 2019? We both happened to qualify for an elimination chamber with Sierra, Alicia, Roxi and Crystal that was to take place a little bit later on that month and this was well before I changed for the worse. Hell, this was before I even won the championship at all. But that match that we had was a fucking banger of a match and the best part about that match is that it was a match built upon respect and dignity. You didn’t dislike me back then, Seleana. I remember how we were looking forward to facing each other and how I couldn’t want to get in the ring with you. I remember being elated that I was really going to get the chance to prove myself against someone that had just been in the High Stakes main event that year against Alicia Lukas. You had lost that match, but I remember going into that match taking you as seriously as someone should seriously take you knowing that I had to step my game up to beat you and that I couldn’t take you for granted.
I respected you so much at that point and to be honest, there was a piece of me that never lost that respect. I won that first encounter that we had together, but in this context, that’s not so important. What’s important is how we battled and how we respected one another. This match this week? I want to recreate that feeling. I want to feel what I felt during and after that first encounter. I want you to know that I have no animosity toward you. I never should have in the first place. We’re going to go into that ring and I’m going to fight with my fucking heart just like I did the night that I won the Bombshells World Championship to begin with, not with my fucking ego that I fought with every single time we faced each other ever since that first time. I go into this not knowing how you feel about me at the moment. I don’t know if you’ve forgiven and forgotten or if you still harbor a grudge. I suppose on Sunday we’ll find out about that, but I want you to know that in previous encounters after I changed for the worst, I may have won but you were always the real winner. You were always the bigger and better person. You moved forward and still continued to be you whereas beating you didn’t satisfy me or make me happy. Even now, you’ve had your battles and your struggles and your losses, but you still continue to be who you are…
Which is more than I used to be able to say for me…”
I sighed, revealing the portrait of me down on the mat while Evie Jordan reigned above me.
“....I let THIS moment right here haunt me for two years… I let THIS moment right here CHANGE ME for two years. I stopped being who I am at heart. I caved. I crashed. If you were in my position, you wouldn’t have done what I did. You would’ve dusted yourself off and stayed who you are at heart. You would’ve pushed forward and continued to be you and continued to fight for who and what you believe in and THAT, Seleana… is what makes you the better person… hell, maybe the better wrestler, of the two of us because you have something in you that is better than me… something that wins, losses and championships could never measure. But the thing is, Seleana…
I’ve learned my lesson.
I’ve learned who I really am in the two years that I’ve been gone from this company. I have learned to be stronger and better. I have learned that other people don’t get to define me. I have learned that moments like this NEVER defined me and will NEVER DEFINE ME AGAIN….”
I paused, throwing the portrait down on the floor and shattering it completely. I even walked on and stood on that portrait symbolically revealing that in the two years I had been gone from SCW, I had finally healed and gotten over that terrible night that started the worst summer of my wrestling career, if not my entire life.
“I am better than that, Seleana. I am better than what I allowed that horrible moment to turn me into and this Sunday, regardless of the outcome of this match, I WILL show that in terms of the unmeasurable tangibles of knowing who you are and fighting for what you believe in, that I have matched you…
That I have grown just as strong internally as you have been all these years. This is where I prove myself… and more importantly, this is where I prove TO myself that I am good enough, that I am strong enough, that I am definitely capable of learning from my mistakes, of growing from my past, of showing this company that I am NOT that person that I was the last time I was here and that I control my own destiny, my own worth, my own motivations. I’m not going to worry about however it is you feel about me. If all is forgiven, then that’s great. We can recreate that first encounter that we had and we can steal the show and I can show you that I’ve managed to “get it” during my time away from SCW. We can put that past behind us and we can move on. But if you still harbor any anger toward me… if you’re still holding the past against me… hey, I’m not going to necessarily blame you for that. I have to earn your trust and respect and I get that… but if you want to hang onto that anger from four years ago, then maybe I’ve become that better, bigger person now. That’s not my choice to make, Seleana. Ultimately, how you feel about me is your choice and I can’t control that.
I get that Krystal was just the beginning and I have such a long way to go. But whether you believe in me or not, I believe in me and that’s what matters in the end. I know that my intensions are now as pure as driven as they can be. This isn’t about staying in the past for me, Seleana. This is about moving forward with a fresh start. This is me continuing the journey that I am on no matter how hard it takes and yes, you bet your ass that I want to be the SCW Bombshells World Champion again and I’ll grind like hell for it to happen no matter what it takes or how long it takes because I fucking swear like hell that I will ensure that the disaster of four years ago will NOT be my only world title reign in this company. I’ll prove that I can do it again. I’ll prove that the first time around was never a fluke or a fairy tale or whatever the fuck bitches that don’t matter anymore… like if they ever did… had to say. I know I can do it because I’ve done it before because ultimately, Seleana… the REAL me was the one that won the world championship while that horrible monster I allowed worthless bitches to turn me into never did. So take your best shot at me, Seleana.
If you still hold a grudge, if you still hate me, if you still harbor anger toward me, let it the fuck out and beat the shit out of me but even then, I will still beat you in the end. I’ll STILL get that victory. I’ll still show you personally that this is not the same Andrea that won Most Hated or that brainbustered your wife through a flatscreen. I can only say “sorry”, own up to my mistakes and speak about how I’ve learned and grown so many times, Seleana, until I am blue in the face, but you and I both know that my actions are ultimately what matter in the end and I promise you that regardless of the outcome, you WILL have a different perspective of me, if you already don’t. I’ll shake your damn hand if you beat me. I’ll help you up to your feet should I beat you. One way or another, Seleana, while I know that burnt bridge won’t be repaired after one match, we can and we will at least start SOME sort of progress toward building a new one.
I WILL overcome my past and that darkness that used to infest my heart…
I’m sorry, however, that the next step toward that has to be defeating you on Sunday.”
With that, I remove the flower on my dress and I drop it on the broken portrait of the worst moment of my SCW career. I let out a sigh, relieved that I felt a healing sensation pour through me, before I shut off the camera and felt great that the guilt trip, at least for the moment, was over…
