[Christian Underwood]

Please post all roleplays here! Have fun and good luck!

[Dreamkiller]

Chapter 36: Drinking to forget

I’m not someone who over indulges in alcohol. Ever. In fact, I’ve saved special occasions and holidays. But for some reason there’s been this problem eating at Me from the inside out. The last few months it has been breaking me down and all I can think about is the one, and only fact that I don’t matter. I don’t matter to him and I don’t matter to anyone. I exist in peoples lives as many other things, but I’m never the person that they want me to be. Or they need me to be. and because of that, I will always be alone.

I am an adversary, I am an antagonist, I am the big bad evil of some people stories. But what I will never be. Is the go to person for anyone. I will never be the preferred best friend option. I will never be the sister that my sisters come to talk to that will always be each other. I will never be the caring aunt, who looks over my nieces nephews with the kind of love that is secondary to their parents.

that is all I will ever be.

And  now, now, I need to come to terms with that. It used to be that I would go for a run or try and channel my anger into something or productive. I would stare down a camera and let out all my rage against my opponent, who may, or may not deserve it. But the truth is, these days that doesn’t seem to be enough. Nothing seems to be enough any more, and all I carry inside myself as this unbelievably unbridled, anger and frustration. a self loathing.

A hatred.

Moments where I look in the mirror, and I’ll become disgusted with what I see. Not my looks, not every meticulous hair put into place or my make up. Not my cheekbones or the deep emerald in my eyes, seem to pierce through everything. Not my porcelain skin that I’ve tattooed with different stories from my past. I see the real Me. Someone unloved. Someone unlovable. And now? Now all I can do to forget is to drink.

Drink to forget.

Sounds simple enough. But then, sometimes it works to well. I twisted the top of the bottle, pouring some fireball into a glass with no ice and topping it up with a splash of apple cider. I smiled and took in the small. The cinnamon mixing perfectly with the apple to make an alcoholic apple pie in a glass. I took it down and sighed heavily. Happy with the feeling of the warm liquid running down my throat. It burned ever so slightly and I felt my head swim. I felt lighter. Happier. But, it was only temporary.

I heard a knock at the door, my eyebrow raising as I turned and walked toward the door, lightly swaying as I felt my head swimming. I reached out, placing my hand on the wall for balance and took a deep breath before looking up at the screen, the camera showing my sister and Kallie Reznik. I shook my head and looked around, 7pm on a wednesday. Wednesday. fuck Dinner.

They were here to take me out, to go have a “girls night” But I wasn’t in a place where I wanted or needed it. I was happy. Just me and my bottles of fireball and apple cider. I better get rid of them. I opened the door, Tasmin taking one look at me and going to grab Kallie, but she was too late. The bubbly, always hyperactive blonde bounced in, grabbing me into a hug. ”KAAAAYLAAAA…girls night!” I flinched. Even sober I hated this shit. Kallie backed up and stepped in before sniffing the air. ”It smells like apple pie in here…..well Applie pie where the apples were soaked in alcohol…”

I shook my head and moved back toward the bench, Tasmin walked in tilting her head and looking at the bottles. She sighed heavily and had that look on her face. A look of disappointment. And a look of pity. Fucking Pity. I ground my teeth together. I didn’t want to hear it. I moved around and grabbed my glass taking down what was left. Tasmin moved up and around to the other side of the bench. ”Starting the party early are we?” Kallie awkwardly backed up, I just laughed and shook my head. I then grabbed the bottle again pouring the fireball in first, then the apple juice. ”So, whats up? You don’t drink…”

”Often”

Tasmin paused and shook her head with a heavy sigh. Kallie looked at me, now sharing Tasmins visible pity. She then stepped forward finding her voice. ”So, why?. Whats’s wrong?”

I swallowed hard and shook my head again, I drank another one down. Feeling my head spin and my body float. ”Why not?...seriously…why does it matter Kallisto?”

She seemed to be taken aback by my use of her full name. I poured another and Tasmin folded her arms over her chest with a heavy sigh. ”This isn’t fun happy drinking, this isn’t having a few to unwind, this is…well I don’t know what this is. But it isn’t healthy. In fact I” I put my finger up, telling her to stop and wait as I drank the glass and put it down. I went to grab the bottle again, but Tasmin quickly moved her hand around and grabbed it before I could. My motor skills were not what they should have, or could have been. ”Nooooo we’re not doing this…”

”What the fuck?” Atleast, that’s what I said in my head. I’m sure coming out of my mouth it sounded different. Muddled. But understandable.

”No….stop this. You’re drunk and we haven’t even gone out to dinner…you remember that right? We had a night planned. You, me and Kallie? To plan for Dawns second birthday? Since…as you pointed out…most memories are formed around the age of two to three?...”

I threw my hands in the air. ”And why would you listen to me? I ain’t shit Taz.” It came out so much more “southern” American than I intended. Or wanted. Apparently I lose my auditory functions as well as my fine motor skills. Whisky is the devils sauce. ”You two don’t get it. You don’t need someone like me hanging around you, helping you do things like plan weddings and baby showers and birthday parties. Thats not my fucking life.”

I stepped back and folded my arms over my chest eyeing the almost empty bottle that Tasmin was now clutching. She narrowed her eyes as Kallie stepped forward. The sweet girl, doe eyes looking at me with care and affection. ”Kay, that isn’t true. You’ve been amazing with Dax and helped me like…so much.”

”Yeah but…why? Why am I involed this? You guys have great lives despite it all. I mean shit you” I pointed at Kallie. ”Have a barely functioning manchild as a husband and father to your son and you’re happy. And You.” My focus switched to my sister. ”...have a perpetually stunted beta male and a wonderful daughter….meanwhile what the fuck do I have?” I felt tears welling up and I shook my head

”Well, you could of had Finn but…he thinks you hate him…”

Tasmins eyes widened, and stepped back and mouthed quietly to herself Damn

I slammed my fist on the table, looking down and breathing heavily. ”I…..I…..this whole thing is my fault. He doesn’t….me….I could have had it, him, all of it. I wanted him but that night I froze because he wanted something else and I was wrong…amd I’m too fucking scared to tell him how I feel…” I don’t even know if what I was saying made sense. If Tasmin and Kallie could make out the words through my tears, drunken slurs and heavy breathing. But my hands balled into fists as my black painted nails scraped along my countertop.

And then I felt it.

A hand. Kallie’s hand, on mine, her other hand on my shoulder. I swallowed hard as she leaned in. ”Look, I live with the man and he never really shows his true feelings. It’s all very confusing…but, it’s not all your fault.” She hugged me, I let it happen, crying wildly as I felt Tasmin staring at the scene wondering just what in the blue fuck was happening in front of her eyes. I breathed deep and stood up straight, Kallie smiled at me and shook her head. ”To be honest Kay…you’re both kinda stupid for each other…”

I couldn’t help but laugh. The thought of a ditzy blond telling me of all people I was being dumb because of a man was outragiously funny. But in this case. True. Tasmin shook her head and grabbed my shoulders leading me toward the back of my apartment, to my bedroom. ”Come on…I think it’s time you slept the stupidity off…”

Kallie helped, moving me toward the room as I breathed in and then stopped. ”Wait…..DINNER…we were meant to go to dinner…I’ll be fine…give me ten minutes and I’ll look pretty.”

”No Kay it’s fine…you already look pretty honey.”

”I do?”

”Oh definitely pretty..”

”Oh the prettiest!”

We get to the bedroom, they lead me in, I lay down and  relax ”Awww…TANKS!” I know what I said. Get over it. I was thanking them, I was tired, so very tired, Laying on my stomach, arm around a pillow, I felt it all slip away. I was tired. So very fucking tired.

Gratitude

”Before I start on what is about to happen, my expectations and what you, as fans, can also expect. I would be remiss to overlook the fact that Finn and I are STILL your SCW mixed tag team champions.”

The voice of Kayla Richards, breaking silence with her strong british accent. Her long black hair tied half up and half down with the high half ponytail done in small braids to give a cat o nine tails effect.

”For those of you keeping score at home, that means Finn and I, as of Blaze of glory, will be tied as the longest reigning mixed tag team champions ever. And we will also go on, regardless of what happens that night to become the record holders. Redefining what those championships mean as Finn, being the SCW world champion brings prestige to them through that. But it also shows another thing. It shows that when I speak, when I put my opinion on something and I tell you what my goals are…that I am being serious.”

“That I am being truthful.”

“That unlike others in this company when I talk it’s more than just empty, bloated words.”

“I told you, all of you, that I was going to be the internet champion. I won it, I then told you all I was going to avenge my loss to Keira and take my title back. And I did it. I thien went and did the same thing with Melissa, all the while telling every single one of you that Ariana did not belong in the ring with me and again. I did it and proved it. I want all of you to go through everything I have ever said, everything I have ever done and I want to to show me where I have been wrong or where I have lied. Cause even when I have lost, I have told the world what I was about to do and I accepted when someone beat me…”

“The reason you don’t hear Kayla Richards being humble and accepting defeat is because it so rarely happens.”

“I’m not like Bea Barnhart or Alexandra Calaway. I know how to win, I know why I will win.”

She pauses and moves around the small room, a non descript hotel room. One that wrestlers must get sick of seing the inside of as they travel about the US and the world. Promoting events and performing for thousands. But it is also where Kayla is, ironically, most comfortable.

”However, before we get into the match and before Julianna and I end up throwing hands or trying to wrestle, I want to hear one thing from you Julianna. One thing after the entrance music dies down and you and I are face to face in the center of a six sided ring with just a referee in earshot. I want two simple words Julianna.”

“Thank you”

“I want you to look me in the eye and say those two simple words. Cause I already told you how I have achieved my goals. And that’s the thing Julianna. We all have them. We all have goals and will do anything to attain them. But this one, this one goal that you have had that started this whole thing, is only being recognised and accomplished because of me.”

“That’s right…”

“Your precious main event that you wanted so badly is only there because of me. And, I have grown a little concerned about it, mainly because I realized that the need and want you have for this main event has clouded your vision. Made you delusional to the point of madness. And you need to take a step back and reevaluate what really matters to you.”

She smirks and shakes her head. That look plastered on her face that so many have seen before. Arrogance and disdain.

”All the shit you have talked Julianna. All of it. Will it matter in the long run if you lose to me at Blaze of glory? Hmmm? So, the truth is that I am a merciful person. So, if you wish to save face and not have to go through a brutal loss to me then I have a solution. A list of conditional surrender demands for you…” Kayla raises a finger and grabs a pair of glasses before unfolding a piece of paper. ”One, you surrender the SCW Bombshells title. To0 me. Two, you leave SCW for no less than six months and upon your return you start from the bottom and work your way back up. Three, you erect a full, life sized statue of me in the living room of your trailer park home that you bow to every evening and morning. You know. Simple things.”

She removes the glasses and puts them down on the small table in the middle of the room along with he refolded piece of paper.

”I know you’re a proud woman Julianna so I understand my terms may be hard for you to accept. Just like it is hard for you to accept that the record you so proudly throw at us, the undefeated one, becomes alot less impressive when we look at the names on there. See, on your way up the mountain you were able to fluke your way into a world title match with Courtney Pierce. A match that I really should have gotten over you. You then went on to beat Courtney in what many would consider to be a huge upset. And we all sat back and wondered why? Why did it happen that way? A question that was answered when, during the second match Courtney clearly didn’t give a shit and since has walked from the company.”

“You faced and beat a woman who never had the fucking heart of a champion who basically handed you the title and walked away. And since then, well, since then you have faced a line of challengers which, well it’s the exact opposite of a “murderers row”. Part their prime prima donnas like Mercedes Vargas, talented but average woman like ALexandra Calaway and Bella Madison. And of course, Bea Barnhart. A woman who shouldn’t even be in the same building as that championship let alone fighting for it.”

“But, that wasn’t your decision right? It wasn’t what you wanted?”

“I get it, being a champion myself there is a certain amount of line towing that needs to happen. But I want you to go back and watch what happened when Finn and I faced Limitless after we took the titles from them and they went about losing every significant match before getting their rematch. We were contractually obligated to face them, and we did. But the entire time we both asked, why. Why were we facing them. Same with Miles and Alexandra. So we called out Ben Jordan and Sam Marlowe, we called out Carter and Ariana. Because those teams had wins, those teams had history.”

“Those teams were legitimate challengers.”

“You did nothing of the sort. You gave Courtney her rematch, faced a woman who hasn’t done anything of note in years and then went about clearing the way of every single “mid” name we have. All the while I was standing, right here calling YOU out”

She points at the camera, clearly getting angry.

”Time and time again I mentioned you and called out out and it took you four months, four title defenses and other people to point out I was here for you to finally. FINALLY. Grow some balls and give me what I wanted. And make no mistake Julianna, it was the best and worst decision you have ever made. And you know why. Deep down you know exactly why. If you beat me, then you legitimize your reign and your little undefeated streak in ways that will finally make you close to the star level that you see yourself as. But if you lose? Well, it just means that everything I have said about you over the last few months is true.”

“And, now, well, now I’d like to go for a little walk down memory lane. See, when i came back to wrestling after a year off I joined a company called New Generation Wrestling. You, at the same time, went to the development company. West coast genesis. You  played second fiddle to my younger sister while I became the goddamn world champion of the main brand.”

“You were a nobody.”

“I went on to different companies like Hybrid and became the grand champion there, I went to project honor and won titles there. I came here and instantly became a star. While you bounced from company to company having, as you would put it “mixed results” before turning up here and fluking your way into a world title from a woman who took her ball and went home.I have been a star everywhere I have gone while you, you seem to have grown an ego. Grown one when you won a title that you have defended against women who didn’t deserve it.”

“But, I did. I deserved it.”

Kayla scoffs and rolls her eyes.

”And for weeks, weeks since you finally shifted your gaze to me you have done what you always do. Week after week you go to the show, you grab a mic and you chew up broadcast time all becauser you love the sound of your own voice. And you might call it “promotional work” But, I know the real reason. See I got in the ring with you and said everything I wanted to say to your face. I said more when we signed the contract, I then left it at that and fixated on defending the mixed tag team titles.”

“But you didn’t.”

“You have continued to go out there on the show, whether you were booked or not. And run your mouth about me. And it makes me wonder, what else could you possibly have left to say about me without constantly repeating yourself? Cause it ain’t much. But, the final show, something did catch my interest. The comments that I want everything you have. And I know what you were trying to do. You were trying to rattle me. Trying to get me angry. Mad, pissed off.”

“But there’s a small problem Julianna. You talked about how I want your “dominant” streak, despite the fact I have won. I have barely any losses in singles matches, undefeated with Finn in tag matches. But, as far as that title? Do I want your position? Do I want the power, the money the title the prestige?”

“You’re goddamn right I do.”

“If there is anyone in that locker room who doesn’t want that title, anyone who doesn’t want to earn the right to stand on top of the mountain, raise the title up in the air and call themselves the best then they do not deserve to be here and should leave. So at Blaze of glory I am coming to take it all from you. I am coming to take your streak, your title, your spot as well as the responsibility that you have failed at to actually elevate the title because unlike you I am aware that the title does not make the persons legacy, the persons legacy makes the fucking title…”

“And I will take it all from you.”

[Julianna DiMaria]

March 19

After winning against Seleana Zdunich two days prior, I was eating crow (not literally) at my mother’s weekly dinner. I had just finished eating while my mother didn’t say a word, which almost certainly was awkward for me. She briefly disappeared and then came back with a book before laying it down in front of me. I realized right away it was a photo album and all I wanted was to cut the tension.

“So are you going to say something?” I asked.

“I still can’t believe you ditched time between us over a match with Seleana Zdunich…” she said in her annoyed tone. I sighed in response to this.

“I’m here now! I’ve apologized so many times this past week. I even said I’m sorry when I walked in and you didn’t say a word to me. What else do I have to do to prove to you that I’m sorry? It was stupid of me. She wasn’t worth skipping dinner over. Now, this week’s match…”

“Julianna…” my mother said in a snappy tone. “...not even this week.”

“What do you want from me? I take criticism from every direction as it is, and I have to hear it from YOU too? Since we’re being honest with each other, I’m still angry at you for saying that I’m just like my dad when it comes to wrestling.”

“You’re angry because it’s the truth, Julianna…”

Suddenly, I was left with nothing to say. My heart knew it was true.

“You’re a perfectionist. You’re always down on yourself on even the slightest thing going wrong. You’re an undefeated world champion and you’re STILL trying to find things wrong with your reign and you’re too hyper-focused on your career. I see how you act and I constantly wondered what happened to my little girl…”

I rolled my eyes as my mother opened up the photo album. She was showing me pictures of happier times: a trip to Disneyland when I was 4 years old, my 8th birthday party where I was smiling and happy and surrounded by gifts, me at 13 with many bags of clothes after a shopping spree we would frequently go to together, and even when I was 15 and about to go to my first school dance. A piece of me felt sad remembering how happy I used to be before I started my wrestling training.

“You were a normal, happy girl who just wanted to have fun… that is… before your father began to train you. I really miss that girl…” my mother lamented with a sigh.

“If that girl was a wrestler, she wouldn’t have made it…” I said, further pissing her off as her angry sigh would indicate.

“BULLSHIT!” my mother responded, shocking me with her anger. “Before your father poisoned your mind, you were more like me personality wise and back in my own day as a wrestler, I had a pretty solid career in Germany before your father and I came to this country. If I was your age, in this day, there’s no doubt I would’ve done well so don’t insult me my saying that the little girl I remember wouldn’t have made it!”

There’s that creeping feeling of shame again.

“You said when you first won that title that this was ‘our title’, remember that?”

“Yeah…”

“What happened to that?”

I could only bite my lip without saying a word.

“I was going through my kidney removal, you were so emotional during that time, as any good daughter would be, and you said ‘this is for us’. You were nothing like this prior to High Stakes. And yet, you WON that championship WITHOUT acting like your father. You weren’t so caught up in yourself then. So don’t tell me that the little girl I remember wouldn’t have been successful because the night you won that title, under those circumstances, proves you DEAD WRONG!”

My mother closes the photo album and leaves with it, presumably to put it away. I was feeling guilty at this point and truly realizing how quickly things changed over the last six months.

“I can’t think of where she’s wrong with that…” I admitted to myself, as I began to reflect on the night that there was no turning back…

May 2013

“You HAVE to be at that event…” my father was screaming at me while I was in my prom dress waiting for my date to arrive. “It’s the first time I’m promoting a wrestling show damn it!”

“But… it’s SENIOR PROM…” I explained to him. “That MEANS SOMETHING! I can’t miss that! I only have one chance to have a senior prom at all!”

“PRIORITIES Jules…”

“Mom spent so much money on my dress, making arrangements and everything! You can’t take this away from me! You’re going to promote other events, but this is my only chance for a senior prom!”

“But there’s only ONE first time, Jules! You HAVE to be there! Your stupid prom is well worth missing out on!”

“Stupid prom…” I said with a deep sigh. “You are such an ASSHOLE!!!!!”

My father merely scoffed and laughed at me.

“Do you have ANY idea what my life has been like since you started training me? You have not allowed me to have any form of fun or social life at ALL! Do you realize how many friends I’ve lost because I haven’t spent enough time with them? Before I started training, I was pretty damn popular! You chased how many boys away from me? Now, it’s a miracle I even had a prom date at all! Now? I’m an outcast and everyone forgot that I existed and it’s NOT FAIR that you have taken so much fucking control over my life! You are the worst father EVER!”

“Is that what you think?” he asks me, still not taking me seriously.

“Yes, that’s exactly what I think!”

“You clearly don’t appreciate the meaning of the word ‘sacrifice’. Your mother sacrificed her career to raise your ungrateful ass! Honestly, I wasn’t sure I wanted to train you but you’re the only one I could pass on my legacy to, so I said fuck it. You went to prom last year and it was stupidly expensive and not even worth it!”

“It wasn’t YOUR prom… ASSHOLE!”

“You don’t get the ‘sacrifice’ thing, do you? Those friends of yours? They weren’t real friends. They would’ve understood but no, they dropped you. Plus, let me remind you. You looked up to me right?”

“Yeah…”

“You wanted to be just like me and follow in my footsteps and part of the reason for doing this is so that we could grow closer together, am I right?”

“Right…”

“Is that what you still want?”

“It’s been two years since I started training with you and I still haven’t gotten that.”

“Answer the fucking question, Jules…”

“Yes, that’s still what I want.”

The doorbell suddenly rings and I cringed knowing my date just arrived. My father walks over to open the door and he sees him.

“You’re taking her nowhere…” he tells my date.

“Dad, I’m going to prom whether you like it or not. I’m not going to your event.”

“You know what! Go to prom! But if you do, I’m cutting you off. No more training!” my eyes widened with shock as my father continued.  “That relationship between us you want so bad? It’ll never happen”

Hearing that made my heart sink.

“We can’t have any form of relationship without wrestling. PERIOD! If you really want that ‘close relationship’ between us, then come to my event. If not, go with this fuckboy here.”

My eyes were filled with tears as I looked at my date.

“Go home…”

My father smirked as my date was confused.

“I’ll pay you back for the tickets. Go without me…”

My date sighed with anger before he left and I was left with the tears going down my face.

“That wasn’t so hard, was it? Get out of that expensive dress and let’s go…”

My father walked away from me at that point.

Even to this day, this memory still haunts me a bit. Whatever was left of my carefree childhood effectively died at this moment.

March 23

I promised Liam a spring training date and the day before my triple threat champions match, I fulfilled that promise. I felt awesome about it as just taking some time to break away from wrestling, even for a few hours, was a freeing feeling. We were on the concourse of the Peoria Sports Complex when I broke the ice.

“That was fun, Liam.”

“Was it?”

“A high scoring game doesn’t hurt.”

“I’m glad to hear that…” he said as we walked along the concourse. “There’s nothing wrong with taking a breather. You’ve been through too much back in SCW.”

I don’t say a word, but we’re caught by surprise by a familiar face, one that’s NOT so friendly…

“LIAM?” the man says. “Long time to see, guy!”

“Mr. Romanelli…” he says, as they exchange a handshake. “You remember him from wrestling school, right Julianna?”

Mr. Romanelli turns toward me and shakes his head.

“My dad’s right hand man, how could I forget.”

“You’ve done well for yourself, Julianna. I admit that. Your old man would be proud. But what the fuck are you doing here?”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re going out on dates… it’s a date, right?”

“That’s none of your business.”

“In any case, you have this huge triple threat match tomorrow and instead of preparing for that, you’re going to spring training games?”

“Mr. Romanelli…”

“Liam, I got this. Your father, god bless his soul, would be turning over in his grave if he knew you were wasting time.”

In that moment, I wanted to punch him. Liam awkwardly looked at me as he could tell that I was seething.

“If he was here right now, he’d be pissed at you and yelling at you in front of all these people here!”

“Motherfucker, let me ask you something…” I said as I noticed Liam’s eyes widen. “Is he here?”

“No but…”

“EXACTLY! He’s NOT here anymore so FUCK OFF! I run my life! I run my career! If I want to take a breather and go do something other than wrestling for a few hours, if I want to let loose for ONE fucking night, I have every right to do so! You have no right to tell me what I should be doing with my life and if my father was right in front of me, I would tell him the exact same thing! So again, FUCK OFF!”

Mr. Romanelli scoffed.

“Don’t go crying to your mother when you lose tomorrow.”

He makes his exit, all while anger was flowing through me. Liam puts a hand on me.

“I’m sorry Liam…”

“I’m glad you did that because you’re right. You just showed me exactly why I’m crazy about you… on top of the great conversations we had tonight during the game, most of which didn’t involve wrestling.”

“I’m crazy about you too, Liam…”

At that moment, I turned around and kissed him and he reciprocated that with no hesitation at all.

“Let’s go have dinner…” I tell him.

“Don’t you have a match tomorrow?”

 "I'm not stressing about it, I've got it" I said with a scoff, obviously noting his sarcasm. We left the complex to continue on with a great night.

March 24

“That didn’t just happen…” I told myself in the locker room following that night’s CC. I didn’t lose that triple threat with Tempest and Bobbie.

Nobody did. But what happened that caused the no contest made it FEEL like I did.

Only three weeks away from Kayla…

This was NOT what I needed. I pulled out my journal and thought about how to express myself but I couldn’t find the words…

…that is, until my father, in my own mind, started running me down about it…

“How can you let that happen?” my father said to me in my imagination, which I was writing down at the same time. “How can you let some NOBODY with a briefcase she doesn’t even deserve embarrass you like that! You should be ashamed of yourself! I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO! This is why you were taught to have PRIORITIES! Because the moment you choose to have “fun” over your career, you let your guard down and THIS happens!”

I paused as regret began to fill me.

“Your reign just got completely exposed…” I imagine him tell me. By this point, I was feeling loads of shame. “...if you got blindsided and exposed by that fucking nobody, then there’s no way in hell that you are going to beat Kayla Richards. There’s no way. You might as well just hand her that fucking championship and it’s not like this is the first time this has happened either: Bea, Mercedes, your first defense against Courtney… terrible.

Just terrible…

YOU’RE fucking terrible…”

While the defeatist talk that I was imagining my father tell me was jarring and debilitating, I was just in too numb of a state to really feel anything.

“You need to wake up NOW and pull something out of your ass because that’s the only way you stand a chance in HELL of beating Kayla. Otherwise, your reign, all of your progress in SCW… it’ll ultimately be for NOTHING! WAKE THE FUCK UP!”

I paused my brain, and subsequently what I was writing down in my journal. Word for word, it was everything that I was imagining my father say to me and in essence, it was like a letter from the grave from him. I soaked in that horrible embarrassment of how that night went for me and I wrote, on the last line of the page…

“You proved all the idiots that doubted you right today…”

That’s when the switch went off in my brain. I quickly crossed out that last sentence and then I wrote, in HUGE letters “IT’S ALL LIES” over everything that I just wrote down. I ripped out the page from my journal, tore it up and threw the pieces of paper in the trash.

“Fuck off, Dad…” I said, doing what I could to defeat his negativity in the moment. I heard my phone go off as I put my journal back in my bag. I looked and I saw it was Liam asking me if I was okay after everything that had just happened.

I wanted to answer the text with all of my heart. But in my mind, I felt like our date the night before caused me to let my guard down on this night. That conflict played out within me, but ultimately I turned off my phone and threw it into my bag with the rest of my stuff. I felt great about having a ‘scapegoat’ to explain what happened to me tonight, but in my heart, I felt horrible. It didn’t feel right to place the blame on a date the night before with someone I had a great time with. But what else could I blame?

“I’m NOT letting my guard down again… not like that…”

With that, I stood up and walked out of the room, refocusing on what was to come.

April 6th

The camera was on me and I had the championship over my shoulder as I sat on the bench of the campus of Northern Arizona University. I was still feeling a bit angry from the events of that main event a couple of weeks ago, but I was as calm and as composed as I could be. I HAD to be, considering the situation that I was going to find myself in at Blaze of Glory. I knew that I was walking into a chess match where one mistake could doom my title reign. But at the same time, I’ve gained enough experience to thrive in these types of matches against opponents like Kayla and that confidence was about to come out as I expressed my thoughts.

“FINALLY…

That has to be crossing your mind, right Kayla?

FINALLY you are getting your shot at my championship, which you have been bitching about and taking side shots at me about for weeks if not months. I’ve definitely paid attention to you. You’ve been taking shots at me. Hell, I think there was even a promo not that long ago where you were talking about me being a coward without dropping my name all because what? I didn’t say anything to some petty nonsense that you were talking about? I’m the coward right? But you’re the one that kept taking the unprovoked potshots at me during your promos. You’re the one that was subtweeting about me. I get it, I have what you want. But the very fact of the matter is, Kayla, LONG before now… instead of hiding behind your fucking keyboard, you could’ve come after me.

Remember my new year’s celebration that was interrupted by Alexandra Calaway that led to my last Supercard title defense? That could’ve been you! Hell, for all the shit you were spewing at me leading up to that, and AFTER that, it SHOULD’VE been you! Why wasn’t it you, Kayla? You’re bitching up a storm going into your match against Seleana Zdunich but if you think that if YOU were the one that stepped up and not Alexandra, you would’ve had your shot! I wasn’t going to say “no” to you because I don’t back down from shit. So, for all your bitching and whining about facing Seleana Zdunich, it’s really YOUR fault that you had the opportunity to create your own destiny for My Bloody Valentine and… you didn’t…

But I’M the coward?”

I paused and completely scoffed at that notion.

“And on top of all of that, you want to say that this match is happening because of YOU? That this title match is a main event because of YOU? What’s your logic? Because my other supercard defenses weren’t the main event? Bitch please! Instead of me thanking you, YOU should be thanking ME because if it wasn’t for ME coming after YOU, you wouldn’t be getting this title shot at all. I was the one that had to call YOU out because you wouldn’t shut the fuck up about me. I was the one that had to make this happen! You chose to hide until I called you out! You were the one stuck facing Seleana and bitching and crying about the company disrespecting you! You’re talking about how ANGRY you are while you’re bitching about SCW caring little about you… yet you wanted to criticize ME for complaining?

So, let’s keep playing the logic game, okay?

If SCW really cared that little about you, then I think it stands to reason that if it wasn’t for ME speaking up, someone else would be getting this shot at Blaze of Glory. But ultimately, Kayla, you do kind of have a history of bitching when things don’t go your way. You haven’t lost often in this company, I will give you that, but you didn’t handle losing that Internet Championship to Keira Fisher very well, did you? You got your rematch against her and you won, sure. But holy hell, you were treating that loss like it was the end of the world and THAT’S why I questioned whether you would have the resolve to handle a loss because you were acting like the entire world was about to collapse for you. But hey, let’s not get TOO off track here. The fact of the matter is, for as much as I respect your abilities, I think you’re someone that needs to puff out their chest every once in a while to remind people who they are when the truth is, if you’re as good as you THINK you are, you don’t need to do that. You let your in ring work do the talking, which you have for the most part…

But the “wannabe big bad” is WAY more of a flower than she wants you to believe. It speaks to the state of the division when you’re the only other woman on this roster other than me that has the initiative to push for the championship and yet you didn’t have the initiative to come after me when you started running your mouth. I had to call YOU out for THIS to happen… which reflects badly on YOU WAY more than it reflects on me. You’ve been wanting my championship for the longest time, Kayla. I completely get you on that. You don’t like me. Fuck it, that feeling is mutual. What you DON’T understand is that it is one thing to WANT to be a world champion and it’s a completely different thing to BE a world champion and during your time HERE, you seem to have forgotten what brought you to the dance to begin with. The Kayla I know… or is it “KNEW”... at this point, would get after it! She wouldn’t be hiding behind her keyboard. She wouldn’t be complaining about a damn thing.

She would have appreciation for what this company is supposed to be about instead of throwing constant shade at the Bombshells Roulette Championship and calling it a joke. And sure, I get that we’ve both been through that frustration of having less than stellar opponents but tell me a time where I ever said that I would gain nothing out of beating someone in particular the way YOU did about Seleana? When have I ever demeaned a championship? I’ve called out this division for lacking initiative because it’s a damn fact that most of the women do, but YOU? You are such a flower because you seem to take EVERYTHING personally, EVERYTHING as a slight… and for someone of YOUR caliber, that’s SAD… all of that ability, all of that pedigree, and you freely choose to degrade yourself to a bitter, spoiled whining little bitch that in all honesty, talks SO much about passion and SO much about initiative as I have heard you in your past promos over the last few months and when it comes to that passion, that initiative, you are more bark than bite.

The way you’ve fucking carried yourself, you’ve acted as if nobody but you deserves to have this championship match, as if you’re the only Bombshell on the roster talented enough to challenge me. You stick your nose up in the air, acting like you’re the fucking shit, but I see through that shit. I see someone that is very capable of cracking at the slightest bit of failure and it’s SO ironic that you were talking about Eiley not knowing how to handle losses when YOU have your moments. You’ve had MANY chances to show that initiative to be the next world championship challenger… and not just during my reign, but during Courtney’s reign, you could’ve done that. During Roxi’s reign, you could’ve done that. I get that you were the Internet Champion, but holding another championship shouldn’t stop you considering that throughout the history of this company, we’ve had title for title matches with the Internet Championship and my championship.

And you talk about the company protecting ME from YOU? Hell, what if it’s the company protecting YOU from reality? What if the powers that be haven’t been putting you in this spot or giving you the opportunity to be in this spot because they don’t believe in you? THINK about that, Kayla. I’m dead serious about that. I came in and I lit this place on fire. I SHOWED that initiative. I made an impression right out of the gate and I MADE THEM believe in me so I could get that world title shot at High Stakes and I could be front and center of the spotlight that YOU have craved so bad and in all honesty, Kayla?

You might as well admit it.

You’re bitter toward me and it eats at you so much that I got to the top before you did. You want to unleash your flaws and your shortcomings out on ME because you KNOW I am better than you. In fact, I didn’t have to bitch and whine and moan about being passed up for main event opportunities while shading the world champion week after week like you did! It sickens me for as strong of a wrestler that you are, your biggest weakness… is YOU! YOU, Kayla, not me, not this company, not anyone that has ever stood in your way, are your own worst enemy. YOU are the one that has been passed over for title shots because rather than DOING SOMETHING about your situation, you were satisfied with bitching and moaning and just hoping that an opportunity fell on your lap. You could’ve gone after my predecessors the way you’ve gone after me and you could’ve attacked them or done something to gain their attention and you CAN’T use being Internet Champion and “not wanting to put so much on my plate” as an excuse because hey, you’re a Mixed Tag Champion and that didn’t stop you from shooting off at the mouth, did it? We both have our own self-absorbed reasons, let’s be real here, for why we want this match and why we want this championship…

But at the end of the day, I’M the one that wants it more because I want to cement this reign. I want to make this title defense right here THE defense that I’m going to be remembered by because when I DO beat you Kayla, when I silence perhaps the biggest, most blunt mouth in this company, THEN people are going to realize “shit, maybe we should shut our mouths and actually have some initiative for a change to be better and to evolve with the times”. You’re not the only one in this division that has chirped during my entire reign and I get that you’ve dealt with the disrespect just like I have.

I’ve been thrown the feeder challengers.

Courtney tried to cut my moment at the legs after two weeks and bury me into the ground only for that to backfire.

Seleana wouldn’t stop obsessing over me.

I GET IT. But for you? As far as I know? You want this title to pad your ego… to VALIDATE your ego. You want to throw the word “validation” at me? Well let me let you in on a secret, Kayla. The only validation that you need… is from YOURSELF! I don’t need you for validation. Hell, I don’t need anyone. I’m STILL learning that, I admit that. I’ve dealt with so much shit in my career before and during my time here.

Coming up in this business, I couldn’t get validation from my own father. Companies have tossed me aside and/or treated me like garbage. I’ve dealt with sexual harassment and sexism in other places. I’ve dealt with being treated like a nostalgia act. I’ve been through ALL sorts of shit Kayla, but I eventually learned how to shut the fuck up and roll with the punches and ever since I’ve been here, I’ve been able to master the ability to do so. I have proven without much of a doubt that I can roll with the punches better than you have. I may have that “zero” in that loss column, but don’t be fucking ignorant. That number doesn’t mean I haven’t dealt with my own shit since I’ve been here.

I’ve been through a lot more of a turbulent roller coaster than you can ever imagine especially since I’ve won this championship. It hasn’t always been as easy as it’s looked at times and that FUCKING EMBARRASSMENT from two weeks ago is proof of that. You’re going to be my toughest challenger to date. You’re going to poke me, push me, do whatever you need to do. You’re going to try to talk your shit because that’s what I expect out of you. But ultimately? I’m STILL going to pull through because I’ve grown stronger, even if I’ve had my moments…

Because during this entire reign, even with some of the battles I’ve had to face with people in this division lacking the fucking initiative that we both have, I’ve STILL pulled through, I’ve STILL rolled with the punches, I GOT my fucking validation at High Stakes.

But you still seek it…

You sure as fuck don’t believe in yourself as much as I do in myself… because if you did, this match would’ve happened so much sooner than now. You wouldn’t have needed me to call you out to make this match happen. It’s put up or shut up for you, Kayla Richards.

And come Blaze of Glory, I’m going to make sure it’s “SHUT UP” for you…”

You’re going to have to keep seeking that self-validation a little longer, I’m afraid. Tough shit!

At this point, having gotten everything off of my chest, I shut off the camera and take in the environment around me.

I knew I was in for a fight… especially with someone as arrogant, as obnoxious and as loud as Kayla Richards tend to be…

But I also know deep down, with what I’ve been able to overcome, imperfections, flaws and all, personally and professionally, that since coming here, I’ve faced my greatest challenges and attained my greatest victories in the process.

And at Blaze of Glory…

I’m feeling like I’m about to attain my greatest victory yet…

[Dreamkiller]

Chapter 37: Drinking to remember

Feelings are horrible. They are a double edged sword causing the human race to do great things but also inherently stupid things. Great works of art like paintings and poetry as well as songs are mixed in with moronic acts of emotional explosion. And as much as I want to disconnect myself from that I have had to admit…

I’m no fucking different.

As much as I want to be, as much as I want to pretend, I’m. It. I’m not different from any of you. I have feelings, thoughts and needs. And Finn had decided to take everything I know everything I felt. And shatter it. Going from a place of awkward but confortable communication and cooperation to having it out and pushing me away, only to tell me he was scared of losing me.

Losing me. Those words cut me deep but also gave me a warm feeling I never dreamed I would get back. It left me confused and scared. A revelation I hated. And now I found myself back to where I was a few days ago. At home.

With a bottle in front of me.

But this was different. Going from drinking to forget. To numb myself, to break myself, Toto this. Drinking to calm myself and think more clearly. My hand wrapped around the glass, filled with straight vodka this time. No ice, just burning clear potato sweat.

My phone buzzed. I knew who it was. Kallie, reminding me about dinner again. Take two of something we tried last week, when I instead passed out on my bed like a pathetic child. This time I was ready. Finishing my one and only drink and walked toward the door, opening it to let them in. Tasmin laughed as she stepped in but her demeanour changed as she saw the glass on the kitchen bench

”Again Kay?” I tilted my head and raised an eyebrow. I was dressed in a tight white dress, my hair done, makeup done. She quickly realised her mistake and shook her head. ”Are we going to get to dinner this time?” Kallie stood behind her with a small smile. I simply gave a nod and laughed.

”yes! I am so hungry!”

I closed my eyes and sighed heavily. Part of me wanted to throttle her. She told Finn where I loved. Told him where to find me. And on one hand that annoyed me to know ends. But on the other….i was too proud to tell him and I was glad she did. ”Kallie…” she raised an eyebrow and looked over at me as I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. ”is there something you would like to share with the class?”

She went silent and blinked a few times ”No?” I stared a hole right through her. Staying silent and slowly folding my arms over my chest. Her eye twitched, she swallowed. And then, predictably, she broke. ”OHMYGODIMSORRYBUTIGOTAWHOLEBOXOFAPHMAUS”

Tasmin looked at me and then back to Kallie. I sighed heavily and looked at Tasmin matching her gaze ”I know that was English. But what is she talking about?”

”A small box with a plushie kitten”

”Yeah that tracks…”

Kallie looked down at her feet, tracing circles with her toe looking dejected. Almost wimpering. ”I’m really sorry.

”Thank you for doing it…” She looked up, caught off guard by my thanking her. Tasmin raised an eyebrow looking surprised. I smiled and gave her a nod stepping forward and tapping her on the shoulder ”You’re a good friend…I was too proud and arrogant…and petty…to give Finn my address….”

Tasmin smirked. ”You? Petty? Never.”

”Fuck off…”

Tasmin laughed and I shook my head before walking over to grab my purse. Kallie cleared her throat and smiled ”Did….things go alright?” I turned and gave a nod. They did. But I didn’t want to go into specifics. I moved toward the door and opened it before stopping in my tracks with a sneer.

”The fuck are YOU doing here?”

Kallie and Tasmin stopped dead behind me wondering the same thing I was. Aaron asphyxia, Finns ex-wife, trainer at Wolfslair and general pain in my ass stood before me with a giant shit eating grin on her face. She walked in, shoving passed me.

”Sure come on in…”

”I planned too.” I sneered and folded my arms. Aaron moved through my apartment looking around with an almost impressed tut under her breath.

I stepped forward and shook my head ”I’d give you the grand tour but we were about to go out to dinner. So if you’d kindly fuck off..”

”Oh Kayla. Charming as always.”

I growled. I couldn’t help it. Her presence just made me angry. As much as I respected her attitude and skills as a trainer I hated this butch as a human being. Kallie slowly shuffled over to me, whispering low so Aaron wouldn’t hear. ”I didn’t tell her.”

”I know Kallie. Don’t worry. I’m well aware that this ratchet cunt sniffed me out on her own.”

Kallies eyes widened she had never seen anyone speak about Aaron like this. And I could tell. Well aside from Finn of course. ”Nice place Kayla. I think Finn would approve” My nostrils flared she chuckled and shook her head as Tasmin just say back, bemused. And Kallie continued looking awkward at the entire situation unfolding. ”Not that he’s been in here though…right?”

”What is it you want Aaron?”

She moved into the living room, turning and flipping down on my couch, throwing one leg over the other and relaxing. ”I want to help you”

I laughed and shook my head stepping forward toward her. ”Help me?…is this a prank? I don’t do jokes so..”

”Just shut up for a second….i know you and Finn have been….going through a rough patch.” I ground my teeth together. She smirked. ”You need to make it all better.”

”Make it all better? How? Hmm? We talked. I know he doesn’t want to lose me. I know we are more than just “tag partners.” I folded my arms over my chest again. Pushing my tits together deliberately. Since Aaron is severely lacking in that department.

Aaron narrowed her eyes. Knowing exactly what I was doing before leaning in close. ”My god you and Finn are so alike it’s scary. Neither of you morons can get out of your own way to just be happy. All because of pride.”

I moved closer. My movements methodical and slow. Tasmin walked over behind me. Opening my pantry door and taking a bag of Doritos before sitting on my kitchen bench offering some to Kallie. ”Nooo we’re going to dinner soon”

”Are we though”

Kallie thought for a moment and turned, sitting next to Tasmin and plunging her hand into the bag. ”Get out of our own way? What would you know about it?”

Aaron sneered, throwing her arms over the back of my couch like some kind of supervillain about to tell me her grand plan. ”I know you spent months throwing yourself at him. Then on the night where you and he could have had your moment you did nothing” I ground my teeth together and took a deep breath in. It was still a sore spot.

”Right. My big mistake was not fucking him. I should have learned from you and not only not fucked him but instead fuck everyone else.”

There was silence. An awkward silence where you could hear a pin drop. Only broken by a sharp inhale from Kallie as she covered her mouth in shock.tasmin on the other hand stopped with a Dorito right in front of her mouth. Aaron pushed up from my couch and stepped closer. She wasn’t angry, or frustrated. She was annoyed.

”Look, Salem witch trials Barbie, I don’t have time to go into the intricate nature of the toxic relationship that he and I had.” she raised a finger and shook her head. ”But he is an idiot. As smart and quick witted as he can be he is a barely functioning man child when it comes to love..”

I swallowed hard and stepped back ”Love?”

Aaron threw her hands in the air with an exasperated sigh. ”Yes! You idiot. He fucking loves you. A fucking blind man in China can see it…” she loved passed me and headed toward the door. ”He just needs a little push…..so think about that…and enjoy your dinner…”

She grabbed the handle and I cleared my throat. ”Aaron….thanks…” she stopped and scoffed, shaking her head  ”Try not to fall on any random dick on your way home..” I heard the door close. I was simultaneously more confused than ever. But, with clarity. I know, I’m a contradiction….

Dominance

”What is dominance?"

Kayla slowly smiles, showing her pearly white teeth and her raised eyebrows. Waiting for an answer that will never come.

”It’s a question that I’ve asked for. And something that I feel needs to be examined. At the risk of repeating myself like Giuliana does whatever she cut 50,000 promos and then decides to use the same thing over and over again I wanted to have a closer look at what it is to be dominant. Since she loves to throw that word around with her undefeated streak and try and act like it means something. So I’ll ask him what is dominance?”

She steps forward, her hands behind her back as she takes a power stance.

”I believe that dominance in professional wrestling is something you just see. As in you know it when you see it. But you can’t just be told what it is. When it comes to the bombshells division, you know that someone like Mikah was dominant. Same as Alicia Lukas and Amber Ryan. You don’t need to be told you can just see from their actions and what they did that they were the dominant forces in their time.”

“And you know that they had in common? They didn’t celebrate kicking cans. They didn’t celebrate the small victories over people who didn’t even belong in the ring with them. They strive to be the best and they want challenges day and day out. They asked to face the best and they tried to make them sure that the company brought in the best of face them. shit, Alicia Lukas talked Roxi Johnson into coming back.”

“Is that what Julianna did?”

“I’ll admit that eventually she came after me. But it took so much poking and prodding on my end to get her to make that challenge. It took Me calling her out in promos on television before my matches and mentioning her on Twitter before she would eventually make the cold come after me because I got her skin. she never looked at peoples records and wanted to challenge. She just wanted the gold belt because it was shiny.”

Kayla scoffs and shakes her head.

”Is that what being a champion is? Is that what being the top champion is? Pretending that you’re the best by having an undefeated streak littered with people who shouldn’t even be in the ring with you? Having a championship reign that is being punctuated by kicking around people who shouldn’t be allowed to be in the same room as the championship let alone have title matches? Is that the kind of champion you want to be”

“That damn sure isn’t the kind of champion I want to be. So before I get into the stupidity that you said last week let me just be very clear and frank on this. Because I feel like I need to make a mission statement when it comes to that championship and what I will do if I become the world bombshell champion. I will go and call out the best this company has to offer. I will go out of my way to go after people who are in other companies who I know can shake things up around here and be the best.”

“I will welcome the challenges from everyone. Anyone who actually has a good record around here who I think could beat me for that championship.”

“Cause what is the point of facing people I know I can beat? What would be the point in going after people who are beneath Me? People who wouldn’t be able to win if I had one arm tied behind my back had a broken leg. There is no point. Being a champion means pushing yourself and trying to elevate that championship higher as well as making yourself look better and bringing the division up to meet you. That is not something that Juliana DiMaria has done and to be frank..”

“She should be ashamed of herself.”

A small sneer comes across Kaylas face before she clears her throat an continues.

”But then again what do I expect from someone like you? You actually stood there and said that I take everything as a slight against me. Well, that isn’t exactly true. Part of Me can see why you have that impression. I take everything you do as a slight against me. Because you are everything that is wrong with this business and everything that is wrong with people getting championships when they are simply not ready. And trust me on this Juliana you will not ready. you fell into your position is champion by share happenstance. Almost like Rainman counting cards at the casino you somehow got Delta hand that was winning. And we haven’t been able to stop hearing about it since.”

“I look at you and see someone who is in a position that they don’t deserve to be in. You are holding a championship that has such an amazing lineage. A lineage of people who deserved it and some who didn’t. And instead of taking a stand and trying to be someone who deserves to have that championship you have floundered and failed and done nothing to prove any of us wrong. So when I see someone like you Walts into this company, have an undefeated record against people who shouldn’t even be challenging you, and then defending that said championship against people who don’t deserve it? your damn I take that as a slight. I take your existence as a slight. Because I am better than you.”

“I’m better than hell of a lot of other people who you have faced.”

“And as far as your little comment about me being the only one to deserve it in my mind? No. There are others who probably could’ve jumped up and had a shot at you. Bella Madison as much as I think that she rides on her family name a little too much and isn’t the woman who she needs to be still deserved that championship match against you. you could’ve called out any number of legends, you could’ve called out anyone on the roster. But you just let them handpick a bonus to shove it you who didn’t deserve it. So in this moment at this time with everyone else who is currently not in or injured, I am the one who deserves a match against you against you.”

Kayla shakes her head, getting more agitated as the moments go by.

”And the sheer arrogance in some of your statements makes me look like one of the most selfless people on the roster. And that is taking some doing because I am nothing if not arrogant. But, as far as your little rant about how I’m apparently some kind of delicate flower? I wouldn’t exactly call it that. You know what I am Juliana? I am passionate. I love professional wrestling. I might not like or love a lot of other things in my life but this business is something that I do Love and I will do everything to protect.”

“This business is somewhere that you can rise up from nothing and become something off the sweat of your own back. You are only limited by your imagination and you can do whatever it takes to get ahead. That is what this business is. This business is something that can take a little scared girl from Norwich England and make them into a star. So you sit there and call me a delicate flower because of how angry or frustrated I get about some of this? it’s passion. And if you don’t have a passion for this business that I do and you don’t want to face the best and be the best? Then drop the title and get the fuck out.”

“Leave. And don’t come back.”

“See that seems to be something else that you were wrong about. You called me a keyboard warrior. Implying that all I did was type about you on Twitter. Either that or you seem to think that I write my promos out instead of standing in front of the camera and  say them. Which I also did and called you out every single week. but what would you like me to do to get your attention?”

Kayla strokes and steps back, folding her arms over her chest.

”there is plenty that I could’ve done. I could’ve come out and distracted you during a match. I could’ve stood at the top of the rampway and just watched you. But that would’ve interfered in a title defence. And then someone else who was even less deserving would’ve held that championship. so what else could I have done? I could’ve waited until a match was over and attacked you. Made a statement by beating you into the ground and standing above you and I could’ve held that championship high..”

“But, that would have been seen as a shortcut..”

“I could have waited until I match was over and then come out with a microphone and cut a saving promo on you out there. But I had already said so much in other promos leading up to matches that I had won. It would’ve seemed like overkill. No Juliana, I needed you to be the one to open your eyes and your mouth. you were the one standing there talking about how this division needed to raise up when you weren’t doing a goddamn thing to help it..”

“Your sermonizing only goes so far. You stand up on your soapbox and you seem to think that you can lay waste the entire division verbally and tell us all that we need to step up yet when someone does you then criticize how they do it. I came at you the best way I knew how by pointing my finger in your chest and telling you over and over again that you were failure until you finally acknowledged me and decided that I was worth your fucking time.”

“And now. Here we are.”

“This main event that you wanted so much is within your grasp. The only problem is that you are now facing someone who is going to snatch it from you. I already told you why I want to be a better champion in the new and how I will go about it. But all I’ve heard from you is excuses. All I heard from you last week in your promo was the same bullshit that you have thrown at me over and over again on the show. You haven’t said anything you haven’t come up with a way that you are going to be a better champion. You haven’t come up with a way to make the division matter any more than it already has you? You have done nothing but fail and you are going to continue to fail because your attitude will not allow you to see the forest through the goddamn trees.”

Kayla takes a long deep breath and calms down before laughing and shaking her head.

”I don’t no what is going to happen. I really don’t. You and I are going to get in the ring in the main event of the biggest show of the year. One of us is going to walk out with that championship and the other one is going to have to deal with failure. people know what happens when I lose. It happened before. I’ve been defeated and watch someone walk away with my championship. And all it did was make me stronger. All it did was make me come back after that same person with even more anger and venom and take that championship back.”

“I’ve been beaten.”

“I’ve felt defeat here.”

“You haven’t.”

“So how will you deal with it. I beat you and I take that championship I go onto keep on defending it and I will make that championship mean more. But what about you? You lose and then what? Your entire identity has been wrapped around this myth that you are undefeatable. This self perpetuated bullshit where you like to go out there and Reminders so if you’re zero loss record. You fell into a championship, congratulations, you have a great win loss record based off of facing people who are not the best. but when you make that your entire fucking personality? Then when it all comes crashing down and you’ve lost you have nothing else.”

“You need to come to terms with that. You need to come to terms with the fact that I am out to take everything from you. I will take that championship, I will take your undefeated record, and I’m going to take your entire personality, every single piece of being that you are that you were perpetrated to the world and shown yourself to be, I am going to take it all from you and I’m going to leave you with nothing. then, we will see what kind of woman you are.”

“If you lose then I’m going to sit and wait, I’m going to wait and see if you pull yourself back up and come right after me with the same venom that I go after everyone else with. Because this is a warning. Giuliana, if you beat me and you don’t do a good enough job to end Me? I’m going to come back after you better better and stronger than ever because this will not be over. I will hound you with everything that I am. So you better make damn sure if you were gonna come at me you better not miss. And if I beat you?”

“You better grow some balls and come at me the exact same way. Do you want to prove that you’re a champion? Do you want to prove that you’re different from everybody else? That’s how you do it. But until that moment you are still nothing but a scared little girl hiding from the best in this business.”

Kayla shakes her head and sighs heavily. Her eyes trail down and then over to the mixed tag team championship sitting on the table, she then looks back toward the camera with an arrogant smirk etched on her red painted lips.

[Julianna DiMaria]

April 8th

“This is starting to become concerning…”

Dr. Montgomery’s words spook me a bit as I find myself in his office again.

“You had been holding up quite well for a good while but you’ve been seeing me for therapy sessions more times during your world championship reign than the 12 months leading up to that put together…”

I sigh, feeling a bit ashamed of the fact.

“There’s nothing wrong with that, but it makes me worried about you.”

“I admit, I’ve had a difficult time getting that incident out of my head… when I was blindsided by that nobody who shouldn’t even have the briefcase she does. It’s been difficult to move past the fact that someone like HER outsmarted me, even for a moment.”

Dr. Montgomery shakes his head upon hearing this from me.

“Ever since you’ve won your title, I’ve observed, through your promotional work and through face to face interactions like now, that you have experienced increased agitation, a decrease in patience, constantly worrying about others opinions of you and a relapse back to the tendency to flip a switch whenever the slightest thing doesn’t go your way. You’ve always had these traits and you had them under control, but since winning the title…”

The shame was filling my stomach at this point.

“In my professional opinion, Julianna, maybe it’s best that you don’t have that title anymore…”

My jaw dropped in shock upon hearing this.

“So you’re saying I should just hand Kayla the title and leave?”

“No. I think you would be much happier and healthier without the title than you’ve ever been with it. I feel like having the title is what is causing these triggers in you that ultimately create these concerning behaviors and being rushed into the title picture as you were doesn’t help at all.”

“Doctor, you’re not a wrestler. You’ve never been involved with the sport. It’s not me holding the championship that’s the problem. It’s everyone else trying to drag me down to their level… Kayla with her potshots, Seleana with her gross obsession over me, Courtney and her shit…”

“You understand that with the title that you have, you have a target on your back. With all of the mini-episodes you’ve told me about behind the scenes, I’m shocked that you haven’t flipped out on camera by now in front of that worldwide audience. During your time as champion, you haven’t handled the pressure well.”

“BULLSHIT!” I yelled, unwittingly proving his point. “Like you mentioned, I was thrown into the fire when I won this championship and ever since then, I’ve had to adapt on the fly and learn what it means to be a world champion in this company with minimal preparation and only six matches under my belt at the time and I challenge you, doctor, to find ANYONE in that locker room that would’ve done BETTER than me under the circumstances of which I won this championship! Name someone! Anyone! Oh wait, you CAN’T! And you know what the fucking sad part is? If my father was alive to see all of this, he STILL wouldn’t be proud of me because that perfectionist PRICK would’ve said just about the same thing all those dumbass bitches I work with have said about me and my title reign….”

“I understand where…”

“Wait…”

I cut him off, realizing some sort of epiphany about my father the moment that I mentioned him. I remembered when I first won my title and how I read that letter that he wrote before he died where he accepted me and admitted that he was wrong about me.

“That’s my problem… ALWAYS…”

“What are you referring to, Julianna?”

“My father. That’s the root of my problem. I’m a perfectionist because he drilled that into me and ever since I read that letter of his…”

I was suddenly starting to feel a sense of relief knowing that I had pinned the root of my issues, with my title reign and my time in the business, but also anger in knowing that when I won my title, I made a pretty grave error…

“I’m afraid time is up, doctor…”

Dr. Montgomery tried to get me to stay, but he looked at the time and realized that the session was over. There was only one place that I had to go…

And the root of my imperfections to confront…

April 8th

I was back in San Diego and I was at my father’s grave. My anger was increasing and I held the letter that he wrote me. I was regretting that I ever read it at all and I broke the ice with my father in the grave when I glanced back at the letter and remembered what he said to me.

It was clear to me now that all of the flowery, positive things he said about me in the letter suddenly became my biggest burden.

“Oh dad… even from the grave, you’re a prick…”

I paused before continuing to let out my anger.

“In hindsight? I was better off never reading your letter at all. I’ll tell you why. Because when I read that letter, I felt like I finally gained your acceptance and that I had nothing left to prove to you anymore. But the more I thought about your words and the more I thought about your motives and the fact that I wasn’t allowed to know about your words until after you passed and after I “was ready”, I realize now that your acceptance of me was both shallow and a damn mental trap…

If you REALLY felt the way you did about me as you expressed in what you wrote, why didn’t you have the balls to tell me to my face when you were alive?”

I gripped the letter tightly with my fist.

“All of this is YOUR fault, Dad! When you trained me, you mentally poisoned me. The way you brought me up in this business destroyed any chance I had to learn how to go with the flow and just breathe from the grind every once in a while. Your perfectionist BULLSHIT is why I grew to be the way I am… for the fact that I don’t even know how to have fun anymore and that my work-life balance is absolute shit! Your words, Dad? You know what they’ve done to me? To my reign?”

Reflecting on the ups and downs of my title reign over the last few months definitely left me seething.

“Those words trapped me. They made me let my guard down and think that I had it all figured out. They gave me this ‘satisfaction’ of feeling like I had proven what I needed to prove because I was lulled into a false sense of security that I finally made you proud and as a result, any little thing that has gone wrong with my title reign feels like I’ve let YOU and THESE EMPTY FUCKING LIES you wrote to me completely down. Every little thing that has gone wrong has made me feel like I’m not worthy of that praise you showered on me and in essence?”

I felt sick to my stomach admitting what I was about to confess.

“I subconsciously gave you control over my career and my psyche all over again from the fucking grave. Well… NO MORE! It’s DONE! I will NOT ABIDE YOUR BULLSHIT EVER AGAIN!”

I shredded that letter that he wrote to me and let the pieces fall on his grave.

“From now on, I am going to do whatever it takes to expunge your poison from my heart and mind even if it means leaving wrestling entirely!”

Suddenly, my anger froze and gave way to shock. I felt myself going cold for a minute and a quick glance at my hands revealed that for a second or two, they turned whiter. A doubtful question creeped into my thought…

“Is that what it is really going to take?”

I realized, stunningly, that venting toward my father wasn’t making me feel better after all.

Later…

I wasn’t feeling better when I went to his former wrestling school. Sitting down at the spot where the training ring once stood, depression was flooding my thoughts. I was questioning so much that the numbness I was feeling was unreal. All I could remember were moments where my father would call me names and psychologically abuse me in front of my entire class.

It wasn’t just being called “stupid”, “horrible”, and “disgraceful”...

It was being told that I wasn’t worth my mother giving birth to… that I would never be a success in wrestling… that I was the worst thing that ever happened to him…

All because I wasn’t progressing in my training the way HE wanted me to.

Remembering that made me feel so sad knowing that most of my self-esteem was based on my success in the ring… seemingly…

“Your mother told me you’d be here…” I heard Liam say as he walked up behind me. I was too stunned to really object to his appearance. “You haven’t returned my texts, my calls…”

“I know Liam, I’m sorry. It’s just…”

“Your big match? The embarrassment you went through in the triple threat? Save it. I felt like you were starting to come around only for a bad break or two to go against you making you regress back to what I’ve been trying to get you away from. What you said to me at the baseball game: is that even true at all?”

“Of course.”

“Blowing me off lately doesn’t show that, Julianna.”

“I feel TERRIBLE about blowing you off, I really do. I got in my own head after that triple threat and it’s such a struggle to separate myself from the way my dad brought me up.”

“I get that, but do you truly care more about your career than the people that support you? Especially your mother? She was the one you won that championship for to begin with. When you won that title, that’s what motivated me to seek you out again and reconnect because it’s the first time I’ve seen you do something in professional wrestling for anyone other than yourself. That’s what made me ‘crazy’ about you because I saw someone that is far deeper than what she portrays on screen. I saw it back when we were training too…”

I sighed, wondering what to say, as I remembered how I won at High Stakes and my motivations being so selfless.

“I wanted to live my life without my dad interfering, but…”

I sighed again, definitely feeling a heavy heart.

“Now I realize that I can’t live the life that I want and have my career at the same time…”

Liam’s eyes widen with surprise.

“I’m done, Liam… no matter what happens on Sunday, I’m done.”

“Julianna… you’re not serious…”

I shook my head.

“Dead serious. I feel like everyone around me wants me to be done and I am not talking about my stupid peers. I’m talking about the people that care about me… you, Ally, Christy, my mother…”

“Julianna, that’s not the case at all. Not once has any of us told you to hang it up. If this sport is what you really want to do in your heart, then keep going. We’re just looking out for you and trying to save you from yourself and from getting too deeply obsessed with your career.”

“Leave me alone…” I said with a sullen tone. “...I’ll call you tomorrow, I promise.”

Liam sighs and concedes and once I feel alone, I start to talk to myself.

“To my younger self, I am so sorry that you never got to go to that prom and everything that you went through because of my dad. Would I have grown up to be a happier person if I was never a wrestler at all? God, I REALLY wish I went to that prom that night. I should’ve… even if my father would’ve cut me off. I just think back to my career and what I’ve accomplished and the one TRUE moment of happiness I’ve had was when I won my title for my mom… and other than that, it’s always been about achieving my dad’s impossible standard and I should’ve known better than to think that I’d ever meet that standard with the title that I have…”

“With the title that WE have…” I heard my mother say to me from behind. She approached me and wrapped an arm around me.

“I’m walking away from wrestling, mother…”

“That’s not the solution, honey.”

“How can you say that? It seems like all this sport has done is made me mostly miserable…”

The tears were flowing down my face at this point as I lamented the happiness I likely sacrificed for this business.

“Julianna, if your career was truly all about your father and if wrestling is something that truly brings you no joy at all, you wouldn’t have thought of winning that title at High Stakes for me. But you did… because you ARE passionate about your craft and you showed that you could rise above your father. You proved that wrestling is what you truly want to do with your life because you wrestled with a purpose beyond yourself. Yes, you should’ve chosen the prom. I would’ve trained you myself even if it was in secret because I SAW how bad you wanted it, even then.”

“Knowing what I know now, I would’ve gone to that prom and forged my own path…” I admitted as I was feeling better. “I’ve ALWAYS had a right to carve my own path in life without my dad and the last few years, that’s all I’ve done… despite him at that…”

“You’ve always had passion for wrestling honey. Your father merely skewered it.”

“You mean I don’t have to give up wrestling to be happy?” I asked with a shrill in my voice. My mother shook her head as I had the epiphany I needed and I couldn’t help but slightly squeal with happiness.

“You can have the best of both worlds. You just need to learn how to not base your entire happiness on your career and you are smart and bright enough to do so. YOU determine your own destiny, Julianna: not your father, not your peers, not any of your challengers… nobody but you.”

I couldn’t hold back my happiness anymore as I suddenly embraced my mother, who had no hesitation at all at returning the brief embrace.

“I can take that moment from High Stakes… OUR moment… I can build on it, mother. I WILL build on it. That happiness and joy from that night? That’s the blueprint for what I need to apply to all walks of my life. I’m going to live my life and have my career MY way without either thing being defined by anyone else and I am going to tear down ANYONE or ANYTHING that gets in my way. I’m NOT retiring. I’m NOT giving in. I’m NOT giving up my title without a fight. I’m NOT going to be under my father’s thumb from the grave ANYMORE!”

“You bet your ass you won’t! I’ve been waiting to hear you say that for so long, honey!”

“I’m done soaking in the misery… and I’m sure as hell never coming back here again…”

With that 11th hour epiphany in mind, my mother and I walked out of my father’s old wrestling school… never to return again…

April 12th

Back in Flagstaff, I was really feeling that renewed vigor that was going through me. On top of the epiphany that I was having, I was also feeling some anger from Kayla Richards’s shallow words toward me. With the camera on me, now I knew it was truly time to rise my game to a higher level as the SCW Bombshells World Champion and I knew that now more than ever, I had to show this company exactly what a pure of heart Julianna DiMaria truly looked like and sounded like.

“From day one that I won this championship, hell, even before that, there have been a bunch of shallow bitches that think that they can define me and that they can define my destiny. I’ll get to the shallowest of shallow in Kayla Richards in a moment but that’s nothing new to me. It’s been happening to me my whole career and I realize that as far as the business goes, I’m not the only one that has had to persevere against that but this is also on top of the fact that when I first broke into this business, my father was controlling me in every sense. He thought he could run my life. He thought that he could define what my path in this business should be and yet, all I have ever done since I broke away from the bastard is go on a completely different path than what he approved of. It mirrors my journey here because everyone in SCW wanted me to start from the bottom and work my way up and all of that and I wouldn’t have minded doing that. I didn’t ask to be thrown into the fire as I’ve said many times before.

You know why that wouldn’t have bothered me? Because I knew in my heart from the moment I stepped into this ring against Dawn Warren that I was going to reign as the Bombshells World Champion at some point.

Yet, these same shallow bitches are pissed off at me because I took the unconventional path to success, not the path that any Bombshell would’ve approved of. So Kayla Richards, for weeks and for months you’ve thought that you can define me in any way you can. Your promo that you cut proves this. You think, therefore you say, you say, therefore it is. That’s your logic, right? Unfortunately, based on what you said to me, not only am I disappointed in you personally because I expected so much better from you than to go for low hanging fruit and to say basically the same exact shit I’ve heard for months, but what you said to me is really no different than anything my own father was saying to me during the early part of my career when he had the influence that he did.

Hell, maybe he should’ve been YOUR father based on what you were saying…

I guess in a sense, facing the bitches that I’ve beaten is like facing my own father repeatedly… especially when that bitch is someone as shallow as Courtney. Yet, all I’ve done is win. You want to keep beating the horse of me thanking you, then so be it. You really have never learned that what you say is a reflection of you, not who you are saying it to. What you say is merely an opinion and how you see things, as skewed as it may be. It doesn’t define the other person and it sure as hell doesn’t define me but you literally had the nerve to stand in front of that camera and DEMAND that not only I surrender the championship to you, but that I leave this company for a little bit and then return and start from the bottom?”

I took a pause and I tried so hard to contain my laughter. Unfortunately for Kayla, I just couldn’t. In fact, for a moment there, I was in disbelief that I even heard those words at all and that I was rephrasing them.

“I heard that correctly?”

I scoffed, still being in disbelief of this.

“The BIG BAD herself stoops to THAT level of BULLSHIT? Are you KIDDING ME? Just that by itself, the fact that you even SUGGESTED that I do such a thing, proves to me how pathetic of a person that you really are AND how hypocritical you’ve become. You’ve been going on and on for months about how much of a fighter you are and how much of a champion you want to be and you spew THAT? I’m not even pissed that I heard that. I find it that fucking hilarious that you would stoop that low, that you think THAT low of me but that doesn’t surprise me, Kayla. You always HAVE thought that low of me going back to New Generation Wrestling…

Hey, YOU brought it up first…

The fact that you mentioned that sorry excuse of a company, and I KNOW we both agree on that by the way, tells me WHY I am going to win this match…

Because you’re stuck in the past, Kayla…
‘
You STILL think of me as the same person that I was back then. YES, back in that day, I wasn’t doing so great. I was a joke in this business. I’ve admitted that countless times. That’s not exactly breaking news. You were the world champion of that company for a time, yes and for the roller coaster ride that my career has been, through good times and bad, I’ve ALWAYS been able to adapt, change, evolve and grow better and better with each passing year. You THINK that I am still exactly the same wrestler that I was back then, don’t you?

You THINK I am that same damn “nobody” I was back then. NOW all of your chirping toward me coming into this before I said ‘put up or shut up’ to you makes sense. You never gained any respect for me and it’s pretty fucking obvious that you never will and that’s whatever by the way, so seeing ME with the title makes YOU sick and gets YOU up in your feelings to the point where all you did for months before I called you out and made this match happen was talk a bunch of shit like a little annoying troll, basically BEGGING ME to pay attention to you until I finally gave you the time of day. I wanted to take the high road on this. I wanted to be beyond the past and whatever grudge you have carried toward me for years that you made plainly obvious with your chirping toward me week after week.

I wanted to see if you were either going to REALLY do something to back up your words or do whatever you had to do to earn your way to a match like this…

AND YOU… DID… NEITHER!

Your problems with me are a YOU problem, Kayla…

NGW was six years ago honey, it’s time for you to get over it!”

I rolled my eyes and scoffed, clearly taking humor in the fact that she brought up the past.

“I am a FAR BETTER WRESTLER than I was six years ago, even THROUGH the bumpy ride that I’ve had. I’m not going to mention every single company I’ve been in by name like you did because I don’t need to flex that even if in ONE company I wrestled for, I got that “HOF status” going on and YES, Kayla, I will admit that you’ve probably had less losses than me throughout our careers and that you’ve probably had better stretches of dominance everywhere you’ve been… but even then?

That gives ME the advantage because I have FAR more experience of dealing with adversity and setbacks than YOU do and THAT, Kayla, just MIGHT be one of the factors that pushes me to victory. It’s my ability to OVERCOME, to go through HELL… and you KNOW that in NGW, I went through a LOT of hell as they did EVERYTHING they could to make me a fucking joke in this business… to push through the shit that I’ve been through… that has made me strong enough to persevere as champion even when it looks like I’m about to lose it all…

Ever have a father tell you repeatedly that you weren’t worth your mother giving birth to, Kayla?

Your complete IGNORANCE and your total DESPERATION to paint me as something that I know in my heart I no longer am and have grown far too strong to ever be again shows me how weak inside you really are…

You want to lecture me about whether the words I say will mean anything in the long run? Shove it, Kayla! Because I’m walking into this match KNOWING that YOUR words in the long run toward me about about me WON’T mean SHIT in the long run, even if you do win on Sunday because for all the bullshit you want to preach about how you’re going to take this and that from me, in reality the only two things that you can take away from me are my title and the victory and you want to act like you can control my destiny and that my world is going to crumble over ONE loss and that should you win, everything that I accomplished so far means nothing.

You can take the title from me, Kayla.

But you’re not taking my fucking destiny from me. You’re not going to put me on a downward spiral. Maybe the Julianna of six years ago would’ve downward spiraled over losing a championship, which she did, I admit that. But you don’t define my path other than what can happen in that ring for three fucking seconds. The worst case scenario? I lose on Sunday and I win it back two weeks later… or at Into the Void.. or WHENEVER. I get it, Kayla. Six years ago, I’d treat one loss like the end of the world. But again, that was six years ago. I am not that person anymore. If you want to stay stuck in 2018, then be stuck there. I THOUGHT you were going to come at me BETTER than that for all the shit you were chirping at me for months…

Only for you to go through a ‘what’s what’ of what previous challengers have said about me before…

Calling my win over Courtney an upset? Not much different from the idiot herself calling it a fluke.

Basically insinuating that I won because she didn’t care anymore? Been there. Done that. Next.

Oh, going through the names of the challengers I’ve beaten during my reign? I’m pretty sure Krystal Wolfe did that, or came close to doing so? I mean it’s true that Courtney never had the heart of a champion and her recent walkout proves that, but that’s not MY problem, Kayla. Really, it’s low hanging fruit from you.

Especially coming from someone who’s kicked Ariana’s ass X amount of times and indirectly groups that in with the dominance she loves to boast about all the damn time. But hey, what do I know right?

I expected you to stand out with your words and to say something that made me REALLY think… REALLY question… REALLY challenge me and reflect on my journey and wonder if there was anything that I could’ve done better…

But all I got from you was a whole bunch of NOTHING…

When you take that into account…

When you take into account that you have gone out of your way for months to try to run me down and define me when prior to all of this, I really hadn’t done anything to you nor did I ever mention you in ANY negative way whatsoever DESPITE the history we share from six years ago mind you…

When you take into account that you stooped as low as to suggest I surrender the belt from you and walk away from this company…

When you consider that all you threw at me was low hanging fruit…

What I see in you, Kayla? From my perspective? Someone that is still a damn good, hell perhaps even great wrestler. That opinion from me about you is never going to change. But what I see is someone that has a louder bark than a stronger bite at the end of the day. What I initially saw as someone who wanted this title just as bad as I do… I now see as someone who wants the title to validate her own ego, who doesn’t have the heart for this business as I do, and who lacks the perspective and the knowledge that it takes to be a world champion… compared to me at least.

What I was HOPING would be at least a hard hitting battle between the two most passionate wrestlers on the roster in the first Bombshells Supercard main event in over the year… instead, what you have reduced it to… is this bullshit, mudslinging contest all because what? You want to hang onto the past? Because you dislike me that damn much?

The BIG BAD that should be SO FEARED and that many previous challengers to her Internet title reigns BENT THE KNEE to has really reduced herself to suggesting I forfeit the belt to her? I KNEW you were desperate when you wouldn’t keep my name out of your mouth for months, but that?

It’s a WHOLE new level of PATHETIC coming from someone like you. Don’t tell me that you truly believe you can beat me on Sunday… not when you even THOUGHT of something putridly STUPID like that…

I’ve already handed you this opportunity, Kayla…

And after I’m done with you on Sunday?

You’re not getting any more fucking handouts from me…

With that anger going through me, I shut off the camera at this point. Deep down I know I have every right to break the camera for that ‘surrender to me and leave’ suggestion…

But I also knew that I had to rise above it…

And on Sunday when I beat Kayla and shove her words down her throat?

That’s exactly what I am going to do as I continue to define my destiny… MY way!