thebutterflyeffect 3.0 🎔fear
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I’d never been so frightened in my life.
Well, no, I had.
I just hadn’t been this scared in a long while.
After the guns and the craziness, and the Finn with a gun and everything at Wolfslair, Alex told us all to go home. And we did. Aiden and I packed up and we high-tailed it to the nursery to grab Dax, who I clutched tightly to the second I saw him. I’d never been in that much fear of my life, and the fact that I was a mother now made it all the more surreal. Reality set in. I could have left my child orphaned, and that wasn’t anything I wanted to do.
We made it back to the house and luckily, Dax hadn’t had an issue. He had no idea, and yet, my heart still beat quickly. But I tried not to show it. I know Aiden was feeling strange too, and he was trying to let everything go and not think about it. Throughout the rest of the day, we kind of just went through the motions. Dinner. Watching television, making sure Dax was tucked in for the night. And then we went to bed.
I don’t remember my dreams, but I don’t think they were good at all. Because it wasn’t often that I snapped awake. Most nights, I was able to sleep through the night with some semblance of rest. At least now it wasn’t the medicated kind – you know, the one that keeps you asleep but you wake up groggier than you felt when you went to bed? Ever since we’d moved into this secure apartment, the things that plagued me kind of disappeared. I didn’t constantly feel like I need to look over my shoulder. I didn’t feel like the world was caving in on me.
Funny, isn’t it? All that negativity coming from someone who portrays themselves as a happy-go-lucky kind of girl. And I absolutely am happy. I have a wonderful husband, and I have a pretty stellar record so far in SCW, and to top it all off, I have a team of people who will always have my back. In everything. Even if it was scary.
As much as I liked to think about my progress and how I was shaping up, that wasn’t the reason for my break from sleep. When I woke up, I could feel sweat at my brow and my back was drenched in it. My bones ached and my muscles felt like pins were being stabbed within them. I obviously hadn’t moved, despite my dreams. Or nightmares, whichever you’d like to call it. Aiden laid next to me, snoring slightly, but otherwise oblivious to my wakefulness. I closed my eyes, trying to do that mindfulness crap therapy had taught me. Inhale, think of all the issues swirling inside your brain…exhale and let ‘em go.
It didn’t work. I sat up, the bed groaning slightly with the shifting of my weight. I pulled my legs into a criss-crossed shape and looked up at the ceiling. The city outside never slept, and even now, I could hear sirens and people talking. It didn’t matter how high up in the building we were. There were always people talking.
Sighing to myself, I reached for the scrunchie I’d placed on the nightstand next to the bed and wrapped my hair up into a loose bun. Making sure not to wake Aiden, I slipped out into the hallway and shut the door behind me probably not softly enough, clicking the light on in the kitchen-living room combo and sitting at the counter. I pressed my hands to my eyes, trying to ascertain as to how I got here. I didn’t have a crazy ending to a match back on the previous Tuesday, and my training continued to soar under the tutelage of a former multi-time cruiserweight champion. With another exhale from my nose, I reached for the phone (I’d gotten in the habit of not bringing it to bed with me) and clicked the screen on.
April.
Realization hit me, and I felt as if my throat was constricting. Like a bad allergic reaction. My heart started pounding out of my chest and every little hair on my skin I could feel rising in fight or flight mode. My eyes widened, my lungs couldn’t fill with enough air. My sight became fuzzy and black on the sides. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t do anything but drown in this panicked state. I thought I was over this, I thought I could…why? Why now?
“Kallisto–fuck, c’mere,” I barely registered Aiden’s voice. I barely registered being moved. I barely registered where I was and who I was. I knew it was a panic attack, and I didn’t have those on a regular basis, so I must have absolutely scared the crap out of the Australian man. All I know is that when my consciousness finally came back to me, I had my head on his shoulder, I was sitting just off his lap on the couch and his arms were around me. Except I semi-forgot it was Aiden.
“Get off me!” I snapped loudly, and three things happened all at once. One, my head bashed into his chin. Two, my legs flailed upwards and knocked the lamp off the table. Three, I somehow scrambled to the otherside of the couch and pulled my legs up to my chest. I suppose it was really four, because as I calmed down and the panic attack washed away, I realized it was him and then I felt that other creeping feeling of dread that no one liked. Guilt.
“Ow,” Aiden rubbed his chin and looked at me curiously as I felt my cheeks flaring red and my eyes welling up with tears. I buried my head into my legs and exhaled. “You should add a headbutt to ya repo…repi…fuckin’ list of moves, aye?”
“Sorry.” I knew it came out muffled, but regardless, at least I said it.
“Hey, no.” He replied. Tentatively, he placed a hand on my foot. When I didn’t suddenly kick him for no actual reason, he moved it to my knee, and then to the back of my head, lightly petting my hair. I knew his response was serious too, because he said no, and not nah. “It’s fine, love. Me chiseled jawline can handle a smack or two, I won’t break.” I chuckled halfheartedly. He waited a second before lifting his hand upwards and out for me. “C’mere?”
Hesitantly, and not because it was him or anything, I sat up and allowed myself to sit next to him. He hugged me and I put my head back on his shoulder, closing my eyes. We sat for a bit, and I think it was probably his way of letting me calm down. He didn’t turn on the television, he didn’t budge. He just kept his arm loosely around me and waited for me to talk. Which could have been ages, but I fumbled with my fingers and wrung them slightly, grasping them nervously. His other hand covered them, stopping me from starting old bad habits like picking at my cuticles or chewing my nails.
“Ya back to Earth yet? Calm?” Aiden questioned, and waited for me to respond. I nodded. “Good. Now, tell me what’s goin’ on in your head.”
“I’d rather not.”
“Kallie.” He chided and I sighed slowly. For a second, I felt defeated, but raised my head anyway and looked at him.
“It’s a lot.”
“I have popcorn, should I go make some?” His voice was teasing, and I saw him smirk a little bit when he saw the side of my lips turn up slightly. “Hold on, let me go–” jokingly, he moved like he was going to get up, but ultimately stayed seated when I tugged his arm.
I didn’t want to tell him. I preferred keeping that bit of my personal history personal, if you catch my drift. But if this happened again, then I would be forced eventually to tell him. And it isn’t that I worried that he was going to reject me or anything…I was just semi-sad that I was turning this positive, good relationship that he had with me that seemed strangely normal and completely not batshit into him having yet another batshit female in his life. But he deserved to know my past, right? He’d been open with me about Japan. And Florence.
So I broke. Not down, thankfully. But I exhaled and looked down at my legs as I spoke. “So. I guess it would start back in college. You know, I was in one of my literature classes–”
“Ugh books.”
“Aiden.”
“Sorry, continue…”
“I was in one of my literature classes…”
To be continued…
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A lot has happened in my personal life since I faced and beat Crystal at my last Climax Control setting. And to be honest, I haven’t paid as much attention as I probably should have. But that’s gonna change. See, I’m walking into my next match and it’s a big one, because it’s at Blaze of Glory! It’s my first pay-per-view with the company as an actual contracted employee. I’m excited because I get to do my favorite thing…well, I guess it’s like my third favorite thing, because spending time with my little boy Daxie and spending time with my husband are the first and second things.
But wrestling is life and it’s a passion of mine, and I’ve loved it since I was little. Ever since I got to go to a puroresu show when my family was stationed in Japan. I always said this was what I was going to do when I grew up, and now, here I am. Lights, camera….action!
At Blaze of Glory, I take on Harper Mason, who has been in SCW for,,,gosh, has it been September? That’s a long time to go and not really…
…well, do anything.
I mean, I haven’t done anything either, but I have a match like once a month at this rate and that’s okay with me right now. I’m enjoying it, getting back into the swing of things, and I get to wrestle with Aiden near me! That’s always a plus. I even get to be around my bestie, Kayla Richards, and I get to be the first one to hug her at the end when she kicks Julianna’s complaining ass’s head in. That sounds exciting to me, and I think I’m going to watch it from the crowd if I can.
But that’s way after my match with Harper.
Harper is like, part of the wrestling legacy gym of SCW, right? Go Gym? Do I have that right? I think I do. Has people like Crystal out of it, and Helluva Bottom Carter, who is so so so so cute! I love he and Miles together. They’re great.
But back to Harper.
Harper has had quite a few matches here, hasn’t she? Quite a few wins too, against names like Courtney Pierce and Mercedes Vargas…and Laura Phoenix! I know Laura. Laura is great, and if she beat her, then it’s gonna be like, really hard I bet for me to beat her.
There’s talking off camera.
What? She lost to Bea Barnhart?
Errrgh…
That’s not a good look, Harper. But it’s okay! We all win some, we all lose some. See, I’m not going into this like the rest of the people would, I guess. Don’t get me wrong, I want to win. I want to do great, and I want to make my husband and child proud. But I also am not going to like…go off the deep end if I lose. Because it seems like Harper is pretty dang good, even if a few of her wins are because other people screwed up and got disqualified. I’m still a rookie, I guess. I mean, I’ve been doing this for a little bit of time, and I always have time to rise and be the next big thing, but…I’m also aware that you’re good, Harper. And I could sing your praises if you wanted me to.
But I don’t think you do. See, I suppose I’m supposed to sit here and tell you how awful you are, and how I’m gonna rah rah defeat you, but…I think we’re going to be evenly matched. I think we’re going to have a great match, you know?! We’re not crazy down the card, but we still have an opportunity to shine with one another and make it the greatest match possible. I think it’s going to be great, and fun, and we’re going to do the best that we can.
But I do want to win, Harper. I really do. Three and oh sounds better than…well….two and one. Please believe that even though I seem super positive about both of us tonight, I am just going to do more and more work and next time we see each other, before this match, I will have so much more to say. I’ve been writing down notes, I’ve been watching matches, and I’ve been making sure that I am focused on my future in this match. I am going to put in everything that I have.
I’ll see you soon! Maybe after the match, we can get coffee? I would love that!
Mwah!
