[Christian Underwood]

Post your roleplays here by deadline. Good luck and have fun!

[Andrew]

TLC MATCHES ARE FUN

Narrator:  Bill Barnhart has a match at Violent Conduct VIII. Bill is in a Triple Threat which is a Tables, Ladders, and Chairs match. His two opponents are Agostino Romano and Armageddon. You may also know that Bill loves to go to the Golf Course and get in some rounds of Golf. Although Bill is not at a PGA Pro Golfer level he does have fun on the course.

COMPARISONS

The scene shifts from the Narrator to a shot of Bill Barnhart. He is relaxing in his hotel room with his wife and Manager Bea. Bill is in a Triple Threat TLC match against Agostino Romano and Armageddon. Sin City Wrestling is holding Violent Conduct VIII at the Indira Ghandi Arena in India. Bill and Bea are informed by the camera person they are now live broadcasting.

Bill:  I’ll start my comments by giving you comparisons between myself as a wrestler and myself as a player of the game of golf. I’m a member of the Collins Hill Golf Club located in Lawrenceville, Georgia. I try to get in a round of 18 holes of golf at least once per week. . .twice per week when I have the time available. . . and I’m what you call an average golfer. Let me present some statistics for you so you understand where I’m coming from on my comments.

Bill picks up a sheet of paper that contains his scores on the golf course at Collins Hill Golf Club since he returned to active playing of golf on June 7, 2022.

Bill:  Most of my life playing golf I’ve shot scores of around 90 so that’s my target score even though I’m working on bringing my scores down into the mid-80’s. Since returning to active play on June 7, 2022, at Collins Hill Golf Club in Lawrenceville, Georgia, I’ve scored from 97, which is plus 25 strokes down to 87 which is plus 15 strokes as the normal score to be even for the course is 72 strokes. I’m still working on my golf swing since taking time off from the game of golf requires you work on tweaking your game all the time. By the end of 2022 I expect to be at the area of consistently shooting scores on the golf course in the mid-80’s which is good for a course that has a score for 18 holes of golf, from the regulation white tees, of 72 strokes.

Bill places the sheet of paper to the side then he looks into the camera.

Bill:  In the game of golf, as in the sport of wrestling, you need to know what you have in your bag and how to use those items to your benefit. In my golf bag I have a Driver, a 3-Wood, and a 5-Wood Hybrid. The 5-Wood Hybrid takes the place of a 5-wood, 2-Iron, 3-Iron, 4-Iron, and 5-Iron. The concept with a hybrid club is to be able to utilize it to take the place of the clubs you need to carry in your bag. I also have in my bag a 6-Iron, 7-Iron, 8-Iron, 9-Iron, Pitching Wedge, and a club called The Rescue Club which is a chipper designed to get you out of the rough or tall grass when near the greens. And, of course, I have a Putter in my bag.

Bill stops for a moment to take a drink of water.

Bill:  I’m sure your next question is which clubs I use the most and for what purposes I use those clubs. I sometimes use the Driver to hit off the Tees if I’m on a hole that has a wide fairway so if when I hit my golf ball it fades to the left or right I’ll still be in the fairway. If I’m on a hole that has a tight fairway I prefer to tee off using my 3-Wood as I have less fade or draw when using the 3-Wood. I rarely use the 5-Wood Hybrid as I feel more comfortable hitting shots in the fairway using my 6-Iron through Pitching Wedge. However, occasionally, I’ll  use the 5-Wood Hybrid if my ball is in a good position and the ground under the grass is not hard. I use either my regular Pitching Wedge, or The Rescue Iron, to chip onto the greens depending on the condition of the grass around the greens and on the greens.

Bill pauses to again take a drink of water.

Bill:  Agostino. . .Armageddon. . .I imagine the two of you yelling at your screen at my comments demanding to know why I’m discussing my golf game and what clubs I carry in my golf bag instead of only talking about wrestling. I imagine you two thinking I’m an idiot with my comments since we’re coming up on a wrestling match and not a game of golf on a golf course. Want to know something? I don’t give a f*ck what you two think or whether you two are even capable of logical thought! I do what I do and you two do what you do. What about you Agostino? Are you going to try to tell the world that me, Bill Barnhart, is a worthless piece of crap? Seriously? Romano we’ve had three singles matches against each other and you lost all three of those matches to me! We both were also involved in a Triple Threat match but the other wrestler in the match pinned you for his win so that means I didn’t get pinned in that match. For someone who cannot succeed against me to try to hurl insults my way is about as dumb as a person diving into a swimming pool before checking to ensure there’s water in the pool.

Bill lets out a hearty laugh at the expense of Agostino Romano.

Bill:  So now I turn my attention to you Armageddon. Oooooo. . .you think because you’re big and heavy that everyone should be afraid of you. Nice try but that shit doesn’t work with me. Everyone knows the story where the last time Satan came to me to try to win my soul for  eternity I slam dunked his sorry ass and he’s now banned for eternity from ever challenging me for my soul again. If Satan wasn’t able to get the job done against me then what the hell gives you the concept that you can take me out? Listen up bitch! You have NO chance of taking me out! Okay. . .okay. . .I know you’re gonna brag that you are 7 inches taller than me and 79 pounds heavier than I am. So that’s supposed to make me turn away and run? Think again! Let’s run some numbers shall we? Yes you are 7 inches taller than I am but throughout my wrestling career nobody who was taller than me had an advantage over me. So what about your 79 pounds more weight you carry than I do? Carrying that extra weight is the equivalent of carrying the weight of 5 bowling balls at 16 pounds each. Carrying nearly 80 pounds of additional weight over what I weigh doesn’t give you an advantage. . .it just causes you to wear down quickly. But, Armageddon, I know you’ll not listen or believe my comments now but when I defeat you and Agostino and my hand is raised in victory then you’ll believe what I said.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Bill:  THE BOTTOM LINE. That’s a term used in accounting primarily for business purposes but it also is used for personal income. You add up your income, subtract expenses and payroll if you run a business, and what is left after the subtractions is your bottom line on your accounting statement. Sometimes the bottom line leaves you IN THE BLACK which means you turned a profit. Other times the bottom line leaves you IN THE RED which means you took a loss. This doesn’t just apply to business accounting. It also applies to personal finances and work performance in whatever your line of work happens to be. So, Agostino and Armageddon, looking at the accounting sheets I see that both of you are IN THE RED which means you’re coming into our match lacking everything. You’re out of money. You’re out of wrestling abilities. And you’re out of fan support. On the other hand I’m IN THE BLACK which means I turned a profit. I have an abundance of everything. I have lots of money. I have tons of wrestling experience and abilities. I have an abundance of everything. Both of you combined don’t equal one-half of what I am.

Bill smiles into the camera.

Bill:  Agostino when you retired from motorcycle racing you should have remained retired. But you just had to get into the sport of wrestling where you have proven yourself to be a loser. Nothing changes for our match Agostino. You’re still a loser. As for you, Armageddon, you may be big and heavy but you’re exceptionally light when it comes to wrestling talent, abilities, and fan support. And you should know that the term Armageddon means the end battle to end all battles. By the time I get done beating you down you’ll be much shorter and lighter because of all the shit I beat out of you and you will wish you were no longer alive so that you would stop feeling the pain from the damage I inflict upon you! I can’t say much more to get you two to understand that you getting placed in this TLC match against me will be your end in the sport of wrestling. I’m sure both of you know how devastating your loss to me is going to be but you still want to show up and try to change the outcome. Sorry but there’s no changing the outcome of our match that I win and you two lose.

Bea informs the camera person that Bill is done with his comments for today. The camera person calls into the Network to ask them what to do and they tell them to cut their camera feed and the Network will return to the regularly scheduled programming for this time slot and then our screen goes dark.

[Andrew]

TRIPLE THREAT MATCHES ARE DOUBLE THE FUN

Narrator:  After Bill Barnhart’s excellent analogy comparing his focus on the golf course to his focus in the wrestling ring, and the inability of Agostino Romano to get a win over him to date, and the fact that the third wrestler in the ring, Armageddon, is an over-sized, slow, dimwitted, piece of crap moron, it will be interesting to see what Bill has to say today.

The scene switches to the Indira Ghandhi Arena in India. We see Bill Barnhart standing in front of the wrestling ring where he will easily destroy Agostino Romano and Armageddon at Violent Conduct VIII. Bill’s wife, Bea, who is also legally Bill’s Manager, is sitting at the table where Jason Adams and Belinda Simone present commentary on the matches. When the camera person informs Bill that they are now live broadcasting Bill launches into his comments.

WHAT THE F**K?

Bill:  I’m shocked! Totally shocked!

Bea:  Huh? Is there something wrong? What happened?

Bill:  Nothing is wrong Bea. I’m just shocked that I’m in a Triple Threat TLC match against Agostino Romano and Armageddon and yet both of them seem to be running scared. I know if I were them I would surely be scared to enter a TLC match against me.

Bea:  Why would that make you shocked? You always expect your opponents to run away and hide rather than take you on face-to-face.

Bill:  I guess shocked is an over-the-top comment. I would think someone like Agostino Romano would jump at the chance to vindicate his three losses to me. Then again maybe he’s finally came to the realization that he’ll never be able to defeat me so he just gave up. When it comes to Armageddon I have no clue what he is thinking or whether he’s even capable of logical thought. Everyone wants to portray him as a big bad-ass jerk and yet he remains silent instead of getting in my face over this match. I mean, come on, this match has the bottom line that the winner of the match can expect a shot at a Championship so why go into hiding when you should be out in the open letting everyone know your desire is to kick ass and walk away as the winner of the match.

Bea:  Just go into the match and accept the win over Armageddon and Agostino and accept whatever match Management assigns you to. Always remember that Roy Orbison has a hit song titled RUNNING SCARED and it applies to Agostino Romano and Armageddon in your upcoming match.

Bea flashes a thumbs-up to Bill and he responds with two thumbs-up back to Bea.

TRIPLE THREAT MATCHES ARE DOUBLE THE FUN

Bill:  Triple Threat matches are always double the fun of regular matches. Add into the match that this is a Tables, Ladders, and Chairs match and you can see that this match will be double the fun for me. I love Triple Threat matches and I love beating opponents with chairs, tossing them off ladders, and slamming them through tables. Yes! Triple Threat matches really are double the fun. . .for me anyway. That makes me think of the Double Mint Gum slogan that goes:  DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE. . .DOUBLE YOUR FUN. . .WITH DOUBLEMINT, DOUBLEMINT, DOUBLEMINT GUM I get double the pleasure of defeating two opponents rather than one. I get double the fun by slamming two opponents through tables, tossing them off ladders, and whacking the crap out of them with chairs. This is a match made in Heaven for me! Woo hoo!!!

Bill laughs for a time while looking at Bea at the announcing table where she gives Bill a thumbs up on his comments again.

NO MERCY FOR MY OPPONENTS

Bill:  Agostino. . .Armageddon. . .you two need to listen up. Then again the term listen up means you have a working brain that can understand truth and logic. Oh well I can try to talk sense to you two senseless morons and see what happens. Agostino I’ve defeated you so many times that I can do it blindfolded and with my hands tied behind my back. As for you, Armageddon, you’re carrying a lot of weight but even with your height you still wear down easily due to carrying that extra weight. Compared to me you’re carrying extra weight that is the equivalent of around a half dozen bowling balls of weight. Think that doesn’t wear on you and wear you down quickly? Think again! Oops! I’m sorry Armageddon. I actually asked you to think which would give people the impression you might be able of logical thought. HAR HAR HAR!!!

Bea:  Keep the comments flowing Bill! Tell them the truth! Preach it to them Bill!

Bill:  Agostino I actually feel sorry for you. Well a little bit anyway. We’ve had three one-on-one matches and I defeated you all three times. The fourth match we had was a Triple Threat where you got pinned by the other wrestler involved in the match with us. Although I didn’t pin you in that match for the win, as our other opponent pinned you for the loss in the match, I wasn’t pinned in the match so there ya go! Now you walk into our upcoming match where I get to defeat you again. However, Romano, I may turn out to be a nice guy and spare you getting pinned by me or submitting to me. How? I might decide to be nice to you and I’ll decide to pin Armageddon or make him submit so that you wouldn’t have to endure the taunts from fans who would have called you AGOSTINO “FOUR TIME LOSER TO BILL BARNHART” ROMANO!

Bea:  Another great dig Bill!

Bill:  Thanks Bea! Oh, Armageddon, you didn’t think I was gonna spend all my time insulting Agostino did you? Nah! I have enough facts, truth, and insults, to go around for the both of you dozens of times over. So you want to make the claim that your size and weight will make you a force that nobody, including me, can defeat? Hmmm. . .where have I heard that before? We used to have a wrestler in Sin City Wrestling who was a big man but I refuse to mention his name. He claimed to be undefeatable and he claimed he was indestructible. Guess what? He turned out to be a big man who was defeated numerous times and he was destroyed several times over. He finally gave up trying and went away. I don’t know where the hell he went and I damn sure don’t care! I see that same thing in you Armageddon. You’re like a miniature Chihuahua dog. All bark and no bite. Over here I’m all bite and a lot of bark as I’m the Bulldog of Sin City Wrestling. Be ready for a loss as I’m going to defeat you!

CHECKING UP ON IRIS IN BOARDING AT CAMP BOW WOW

Bill receives a call on his cell phone from Camp Bow Wow in Lawrenceville, Georgia. He excuses himself to answer the phone as he doesn’t know if Camp Bow Wow is having a problem with Iris.

Bill:  Excuse me for a moment. I have a call from Edwin, the Manager at Camp Bow Wow in Lawrenceville, Georgia, and I need to take the call in case they are having a problem with Iris. Hi Edwin! Is everything okay with Iris at Camp Bow Wow?

Edwin:  Yes Iris is fine. I took your advice to arrange a video call between Iris and Pete the Cactus. The video call went well and then we heard from Pete that he wanted to come and spend the day with Iris here at Camp Bow Wow. I agreed as I figured it would be a short visit but. . .

Bill:  But what?

Edwin:  After a few hours we were putting the dogs into their cabins for the evening. Pete made it clear he misses Iris so much that he asked to spend the night. I figured it would be okay since they are dating. Pete spent the night in the cabin we put Iris in and both enjoyed their visit and both woke up this morning happy.

Bill:  And. . .?

Edwin:  Now Pete is asking if he can stay here with Iris until you and Bea return from your trip to India. I told him NO but he is a strong willed little guy. What should I do?

Bill:  I’ll take care of this Edwin. I’ll call Senor Vinnie and either he, or someone he assigns to the task, will be there quickly to remove Pete the Cactus from Camp Bow Wow and return him to his home. Thanks for letting me know. Someone from Senor Vinnie will call you shortly to make the arrangements to pick up Pete the Cactus. Bye!

Edwin:  Thanks Bill!

Bill ends the call with Edwin at Camp Bow Wow and returns to focusing on the camera to deliver his closing comments.

CLOSING COMMENTS

Bea:  I’m gonna have a stern talk with Iris and Pete when we return home.

Bill:  Both of us will have a stern talk with Iris and Pete when we return home. Agostino I’ll start my closing comments with you. I can put my closing comments into simple terms. You’ve lost to me three times in three matches and you’ll never be able to defeat me in the wrestling ring. That was easy for you to understand right? Damn sure it is!

Bill pauses before commenting to Armageddon.

Bill:  Armageddon you try to get everyone to believe you are so big and bad that nobody can take you down and take you out. *sigh* How many times have a heard that bullshit from opponents? If I had a Dollar for each time an opponent said that to me I would have hundreds of dollars in my wallet. The problem other wrestlers have with you is that they go straight at you and believe they can quickly take you out and then, because of your size and weight, you take them down and take them out. They all have the same failure and that is not taking things in small amounts until the victory is theirs. If you want to empty the water out of a swimming pool you don’t try to remove all the water at once. You open the drain and allow the water to drain until what water is left is easy to eliminate. If you want to take down a tree in your yard you should know that trying to take the tree out all at once it won’t work. You have to get a chainsaw and whittle away at the tree until what is left is easy for you to management and eliminate. Although I’m sure your few remaining working brain cells are snapping and frying trying to comprehend what I’m saying I believe you are getting my point. The way to defeat wrestlers who are large and heavy is to wear them down until they are unable to retaliate. When you do that to an opponent then when you deliver the final blows so your opponent is down and out then they are defeated. I’ve done that to dozens of wrestlers larger and heavier than me. Trust me, Armageddon, you’re not immune to the rules of wearing you down and taking you out. I’m the device that will take you down and out. I’ll ensure you’re hurting for weeks after I defeat you. And do you want to know the best part about my win over you? The best part is that you can try for the remainder of your wrestling career to take me out but you’ll always fail. I’m better than you’ll ever be and I’ll prove that at Violent Conduct VIII.

Bill informs the camera person that he is done with his comments for this presentation. The camera person cuts their camera feed and the Network returns to regularly scheduled programming for this time and our screen goes dark.