2-8-22
“Set one of the Miami Jr. Tennis Tournament Finals goes to Karen Maher!”
I could only feel sympathy pouring through my heart as Kimberly was coming my way gripping a tennis racket with anger and frustration.
“I’m so sorry, Kimmy…” I said with concern on my face. “You still have two more sets to go. You can still beat Karen!”
“But I NEVER beat her, mommy…” she says with sadness on her face.
“Just give up now KIMBERLY…” the annoying voice of Karen, a girl of similar age to Kimberly, echoes our way. Kimberly gets angrier when Karen gets closer. “...I ALWAYS beat you! This is what? Your third straight time you’re gonna lose to me? You’ll NEVER beat me! You’re a choker just like YOUR MOM!”
“I hate you…” Kimberly says with anger.
“You’ll always be second to me…”
“Shut up…”
"Kimmy's a loser! Kimmy’s a loser!” Karen sings out loud.
“I’ll KICK YOUR ASS!” Kimberly blurts to my shock and Karen’s laughter as she leaves.
“Kimmy, don’t listen to her… it’s okay…” I said to her.
“She’s such a BITCH!”
My jaw dropped in shock hearing those words from my 8-year-old.
“Kimmy! Don’t use that language!”
“Sorry… it’s just… she makes me SO MAD! I always lose to her and I’m so sick of it!”
“This time WILL be different. You are going to win!”
“No I don’t! I never do!”
“Kimmy, remember that tournament I was in last year where that green haired girl was saying all of those horrible things to me?”
Kimberly nods.
“Yeah, she won…”
“I didn’t know it at the time, but I let her. I allowed her empty words to get to me and it cost me that tournament. You are NOT going to let HER empty words cost you what you are capable of, you understand me? Don’t do what I did! Be better than those words! "What happened before doesn't matter, just this game. Remember that? Her words DON’T MATTER!”
“Thanks for the inspiration, mommy! I’ll go tie the match right now!” she says, embracing me
“THAT’S the spirit!” I told her as she ran back onto the court for the second set. I sat down on the bench reflecting on last year’s tournament as I had mentioned it.
“If I didn’t take those STUPID words from Ruby Steele THAT much to heart, Mac and I would’ve won that tournament. I know it. I’m not making that mistake again this year and I'm not letting my little girl make that mistake herself…"
With that, I reflected on my mistake last year…
Last Year…
“It sickens me SO MUCH that some fucking FLASH IN THE PAN like RUBY STEELE gets to be in the finals…” I ranted to Adrianna at the lobby of the Tropicana in Vegas the morning of last year’s finals.
“Don’t let her words get to you so much, sis! They mean nothing.”
“That loudmouth little BITCH only got this far because a second-chance partner in Mark Cross has carried her ass… PERIOD!”
“Myra, don’t focus on her. SHE doesn’t matter. Alright? She’s just saying things to get inside of your head…”
“Who the FUCK does she think she is trying to bury and undercut my Bombshells Internet Championship reign?” I asked with anger, ignoring my sister.
“...she already has…” Adrianna laments with a sigh. “Please! Let it roll off your back…”
“NO! I’ll beat the RESPECT into that BITCH!”
“She’s not WORTH your emotions, Myra!”
“She doesn’t deserve to even BE HERE, let alone WIN the damn thing!” I snapped back. “I’m HUMBLING HER and I don’t give a FUCK what it takes to make that happen! I’m winning this to SHUT HER UP!”
“You’re so screwed…” Adrianna said to me, only angering me further. “...I can’t believe you are making the same mistake AGAIN… the same mistake you ALWAYS do whenever you come so close to something…”
“What the hell are you talking about? Ruby deserves to have respect beaten into her for the way she carries herself acting like she’s someone when she’s nothing but Kate 2.0!”
“I’m talking about letting the words of other people get to your head because you’re feeling SO insecure about yourself! You’re not ready to be world champion in SCW. You did the same thing in Carnage AND in UWA! Get the fuck out of your own head and stop putting so much pressure on yourself. I understand this means everything to you, but quit letting others define you and what you’re capable of. You’re better than that! Trust your abilities that SHE can’t take away from you. I get that Ruby is annoying and you’re probably right about her being undeserving but…
“Honesty, I don’t even care if I break the bitch’s jaw…” I said, much to Adrianna’s shock.
“You don’t get it…” she said as I began to walk away from her.
“How would YOU? You’ve never been a wrestler and you’ve said you’ll never be one…”
I could hear my sister sighing all while not realizing that she was right all along…
"It took me a few tries to get it... but in Orlando recently, I finally did..."
DisneyWorld. Festivus In Florida.
I was seeing my ex-boyfriend and my opponent at the event, Jayson Schneider, in clear view. I was calm as I walked up to him and he smirked when he saw me.
“Well, if it isn’t the GLORIFIED CHOKER…” he said to me with a sneer on his face. “Are you here to drop to your knees to beg me to take you back? You think that’s going to spare you from the TORTURE you’re about to receive?”
I just chuckled at him to his uncomfortable surprise.
“For all of your accolades and everything, it’s HILARIOUS that you’ve only won ONE world title in the last 10 years. Amber Ryan was always right about you, you will NEVER be enough! You’re NEVER going to be a world champion again! And if you thought the sex we used to have was something, just imagine how HARD I am going to fuck you tonight! I’m going to fuck you so hard you’re going to do what you ALWAYS do when you choke: CRY!
Again, I did not react to anything that Jayson was saying. I just smiled at him, causing him to widen his eyes in shock when he realized his mind games were failing.
“I’m going to take what Amber Ryan put you through and make it WORSE! AMBER RYAN! AMBER RYAN! AMBER RYAN! You are AMBER RYAN’S BITCH and you always will be and as long as she is in Sin City Wrestling, you are NEVER going to win the Bombshells title. AMBER RYAN! AMBER RYAN! AMBER RYAN! Hey, maybe after I shatter your spirit, you can go back to SCW and lose to Crystal Hilton too. The Rebellious Vixen DIES tonight and it’ll be ME that kills her. You’re going to go back to your daughter crying about how once again, Amber was right and you WILL NEVER… BE…. ENOUGH!”
“Are you done?” I asked him, causing his jaw to drop. He couldn’t believe that I wasn’t flinching. “Jay, you’re not getting inside of my head. You’ve said some AWFUL things about my career and my life and you’ve tried so hard to end it many times. You’re not important to me anymore and after you go through the table, you won’t even exist to me.”
I walked by him and I could FEEL how stunned he was that he could not break me down like he had before…
"Meaningless words didn’t get to me in Orlando and in the Blast from the Past tournament, they aren't getting to me this year... I'm way stronger this time around…”
Present Day
“What did I tell you?” I said to my daughter as she came back toward me. My daughter was smiling.
“That’s the first time I’ve even won a set against her!”
“One more, Kimmy! You’ve got this. Look at her…”
Both of us were looking at Karen who was stunned and completely out of it.
“You’ve got her! She’s already acting like she’s lost. I’ve seen that facial expression many times in the face of my opponents when they realize they’re about to lose. She did not expect you to force the deciding set. Let me ask you something. Do you think you can beat her now?”
“I KNOW I can beat her, mom! I KNOW I can!”
Kimberly’s confidence brought a bright smile to my face.
“YES! Kimmy, just the POWER of KNOWING you’ve got someone beat is one of the most AMAZING feelings in the world. On the contrary, the opposite knowledge of feeling like you’re beat…”
“Like my last two matches against her…”
“Exactly! It’s the worst feeling ever. Doubting and questioning herself is the WORST! Look at Karen! What she’s feeling right now is how I felt going into Violent Conduct against Amber when I was afraid that I lost to her before the bell run. DON’T be that feeling! OWN the moment! When I won the Festivus World title, on the other hand, I KNEW I was going to win! Be like ME when I won that title, Kimmy. You are in control! You’ve got this! Win this! I believe in you baby girl!”
“Did you doubt for a second you were going to win that battle royal?”
“NO! Are you doubting yourself now?”
“No…”
“GOOD! You’re on the right track! As soon as I beat Jayson, I knew I was winning the battle royal. You know you can beat Karen in a set. Do it again and do what I did in Orlando, okay? This is your moment!”
“Yeah! This is my moment… like you with the battle royal…”
“Finish this Kimmy and make this moment yours!”
I kissed her on the forehead as she confidently walked back onto the tennis court with the body language of the champion that I knew she was about to become while reflecting on my journey as well…
"Both in the finals of the tournament and my matches against Amber... I let the moment own me... I got too intimidated…” I admitted to myself internally, reflecting further…
9-12-2021
3:20 AM
On the morning of Violent Conduct, anxiety was drowning me. I had my journal out while I was sitting up on my bed writing some unpleasant, unwelcome thoughts…
“I feel like everything is caving on me…” I admitted in writing. “...this is my last chance against Amber. Failing last time, on my own birthday, I’m not over it. How can I be over it when I dedicated the first match to Adrianna and I lost? How can I be over it when I’m always ‘so close, yet so far’? What if I really can’t beat Amber? How am I going to survive feeling like this? If I lose, I go to the back of the line. I can’t afford that. Is the spotlight too much for me? Am I always meant to be second best? Am I really never going to be enough?”
I angrily tore out the page, ripped it in half and tossed it in the trash. Those horrible thoughts continued to persist in my head at this point
“I can’t get this awful feeling in my gut that I’m not going to win tonight. Maybe Amber is just too good for me. I just admitted in my journal that I’m not even over Summer XXXtreme. I already know that my confidence isn’t even a hundred percent. I know that the crap that Amber said to me is a lie, and yet there’s this annoying little thing in my head wondering if they’re actually true. I can’t afford to lose tonight, but it just feels like its inevitable. Maybe the Internet Championship is as good as I’ll ever have… maybe I’m destined to never be world champion again and I’m just around to be Amber Ryan’s bitch. It should’ve happened at Summer XXXtreme… it didn’t. Why would it happen now? The only destiny I’m ever going to have in wrestling anymore is heartbreak and misery…
I should just accept it…
I’m not good enough to beat her on that grand stage where everything is on the line and I never will be…”
My anxiety kept me up the rest of the night and of course, losing to Amber again was a self-fulfilling prophecy at that point…
“I had no faith in myself EITHER time I faced Amber and I let the spotlight swallow me whole. I finally realized that’s why I was always ‘so close, yet so far, always second best, always in that position of ‘never being enough’. But I finally learned and grew. Going into the Festivus world title match... it was a whole different story. I KNEW that moment was mine…
12-30-2021
I had invited Andrea Hernandez and Chelsea LeClair, my two proteges, over for a special breakfast. I was already feeling like I was about to become a world champion that day and as we all finished our food that marked this special ‘Utopia reunion celebration’, I felt this AMAZING feeling of warmth pour through my soul.
“That was an amazing win you got last night, Myra…” Chelsea said with a smile.
“That was pretty neat. I mean, helping you put that son of a bitch through the table after all the crap he put you through for years…” Andrea added.
“I definitely felt so much vindication last night…” I admitted to my proteges. “So many of my career confidence issues are really because of him and I feel like I have defeated the source of so many of my demons.”
“He didn’t even affect you at ALL…” Chelsea said with astonishment.
“For years, I let other people like him, Amber and Ruby Steele define my destiny with such vapid emptiness…” I admitted. “Ever since I became the Rebellious Vixen again, I’ve done all in my POWER to GET that fucking power back! I REMEMBERED that the Rebellious Vixen never let ANYONE define her or deny her and TONIGHT, NOBODY is denying me that Festivus World title…”
“Um… I’m in the match too…” Chelsea reminded me.
“Sorry Chelsea…” I said with a chuckle. “But the Myra that always doubted herself in big match situation, like my duology with Amber and last year in the Blast from the Past Finals…is DEAD. Nothing personal against you and I love what you do, but I KNOW I am becoming a five-time world champion tonight.”
“How bold…” Andrea said with a scoff… “...especially since that BITCH Victoria denied me a spot in my match and you and I both know that I’d push you to the fucking limit…”
"Andrea, you and I both know that you’ve got to be bold to get to that next level” I paused, feeling my motivation pour through my spirit. “I've finally overcome all the demons that held me back before and I feel the strongest I've been since that Vegas ladder match years ago where I had my big breakthrough moment. Today, like then, I'm climbing that ladder to achieve MY destiny..."
Chelsea was looking intimidated.
“Good luck, Chelsea. Nothing personal. But tonight? I feel like I’m about to do something AMAZING!”
Just like Violent Conduct, winning that Festivus World Championship was a self-fulfilling prophecy… but a FAR more positive one.
All it took was fully believing in myself again…
"That's how things will be different this year... I'm going to OWN the moment AND this tournament... and nobody's going to take that control away from me..."
Present Day
“I DID IT! I DID IT!!!!” Kimberly exclaimed with joy as she came back in my direction with the trophy that she had won for winning the Junior Indoor Tennis tournament against Karen. She put the trophy down in front of me and we exchanged a huge hug. Happiness was really going through me and I couldn’t help but have tears of joy in my eyes seeing my daughter become a champion in her own right.
“I’m so proud of you…” I said, as I held her closer and tighter. “That is how you become a champion, Kimmy: you went in there and you owned that moment. You didn’t let Karen get inside of your head and you defined your own truth. You stood up to her like a champion, you owned that moment, and you controlled your own destiny! There is no greater joy as a mother to know that my baby girl is already growing up so much! I’m going to regret saying this, but the woman you are going to become is someone I can’t wait to meet…”
“Thank you for being my inspiration, mommy!” Kimberly said as we broke our embrace and she picked up her trophy. “I wouldn’t have done it without you.”
“No, thank YOU for being mine… every single day, every single match…” I said with a smile. I know exactly how I'm winning that tournament this time. You showed me… and for that… we’re getting some ice cream! Come on, let’s go celebrate!"
Kimberly held onto her trophy and I had an arm around her as we left the tennis facility and continued to have that inspirational, mother-daughter bonding moment that was my guidance for making things right for this year’s Blast from the Past tournament…
2-11-2022
Adrianna and I were standing in front of the camera at a junkyard on the outskirts of Las Vegas. There was a garbage can that was set on fire while Adrianna held onto a tape. Inside, I was feeling incredibly happy. Last year’s disappointment in the finals of the Blast from the Past tournament? What disappointment? My heart was fluttering with freedom long realizing that last year’s failure did not define me or my SCW career as a whole as I began to express my thoughts.
“Fire… it represents so many things. Fire can erase the bad memories. What my sister has is a tape of last year’s Blast from the Past finals. Every time I’ve come so close yet so far, i’ve let it bother me and it takes me an eternity to get over it. But this time? I’m breaking that cycle. Adri?”
Adrianna dumps the tape of last year’s finals in the fire.
“Does that make it clear enough for you? I’m NOT affected by last year’s outcome and I’m damn sure not going to allow the empty words of other people bother me and bring me down in the tournament this year the way I let it happen in the finals! I haven’t even WRESTLED in this tournament yet and they’re already coming… looking at YOU Mac “Mikah is an upgrade over Myra in every way” Bane! This FIRE represents the ABILITY that I have in me to take empty words like that and past disappointments and just let them burn into the ether. This represents the PASSION flowing through me that allowed me to push past the disappointment and to become a stronger wrestler than ever. The fact is, last year? I wasn’t even THE best version of myself and I made it to the finals and THAT is a SUCCESS to me. THIS year though? This FIRE represents the HUNGER that I have to win this and I am STOKED to have an equally determined partner by my side in Max Burke. You talk about POTENTIAL with this team and I see it there, but potential can only go so far. Potential doesn’t mean SHIT if you don’t OWN THE MOMENT and THAT, I will admit, was my mistake last year. I didn’t own the moment. I allowed the pressure and the empty words of a flash in the pan get to me. But this year? I AM owning that moment. This is OUR tournament to win and I will stake that claim against ANY team that’s there. I’m in this tournament to own the moment, but can you say the same about our opponents? No. Miles and Audrey are great at what they do and everything, but the fact of the matter is, this moment is too big for them.
I know, bold thing to say. But I know Miles is a guy that hasn’t found his way yet. How can he be confident in winning this tournament if he isn’t even fully confident in himself? We’re talking about a guy that admittedly joined Wolfslair to ‘work on his shortcomings’. Miles, you are just like Wolfslair lately, you haven’t ‘owned the moment’. Last time we saw you, SuMa defeated you. You had a SIMILAR opportunity at High Stakes when you were in that four way for a title shot against Alex Jones that Mac himself ended up winning and you couldn’t get it done there. You see Miles, you are coming into this tournament feeling the NEED to validate yourself to other people. I’ve seen you talk about putting people on notice and just THAT indicates the lack of confidence that is going to cost you in this tournament. I’m not pulling this out of my ass, ‘pretty boy’, because THAT was ME last year. I felt the need to validate myself over a past I should’ve gotten over. Even though Max hasn’t been in the game, his work in SCU DOES make him more prepared for this than you… and I TRUST he’s going to take care of you.
But that’s Milo, let’s talk about YOU, Audrey.
You seem like a nice girl and all. You remind me of me in some good ways. You’re determined to go out there and be a champion. Like me, you’ve got a daughter that you fight for and want the best for and that daughter serves as your inspiration. Yet, when I look at you, you know what I also see? I see ME from last year. Sure, that CAN be a good thing Audrey considering that the ME from 2021 WAS a 350 day Bombshells Internet Champion, but… I’m not saying this as a good thing. Where I was psychologically before I discovered the Rebellious Vixen again was someone that was doubting herself in the big moments and letting anyone else define her and making her feel insecure. I’ve seen that in YOU in the little that I know about you. You fought Bella in APEX recently, right? Their Twitter was promoting her and YOU didn’t like it. YOU didn’t think she deserved that. Sure, you beat Bella in that match, but I see weakness with how you went about it. You want to be a big deal in this business, you don’t worry about the hype your opponents get, you worry about YOU. I don’t know what got into you, but you had this awkward moment where you described Bella as ‘kind of a bitch’ all while saying until you were blue in the face why you felt she was overrated and protected and while you were complaining that APEX management sung your praises and that Sierra Williams considered her a contender. You did what you had to do and you won a spot in their big chamber match…
So you’d take that and express confidence in yourself for this tournament, right?
WRONG!
While I am OWNING the moment, you’ve ALREADY let the moment OWN YOU! I made that mistake last year, but you’ve come into this tournament having already lost because I saw some words that you had going into an APEX episode a few weeks ago when you were teaming with Sierra and I saw you openly, on camera, ADMIT that you didn’t even KNOW why you signed up for this tournament and even hinted that it may have been Bella saying something about you being “stagnant”. I heard that from you and it makes me wonder if you even WANT to be in this tournament or if you even have the DETERMINATION to compete in it. I hope you’re not HALF-ASSING this just because you may have decided to be part of this tournament ‘on a whim’. That doesn’t fly, Audrey… and to be perfectly honest, that kind of attitude is generally something that rubs off on you from family influence. Perhaps this type of attitude you’ve had about the tournament going into your last APEX match the reason why you’re generally known for tag success and not singles success? Perhaps it’s the reason why for as BIG as the Russow name is in this business why a Russow has only been a champion ONCE in Sin CIty Wrestling and it was only a two month reign by Jack at that? I know the Russow name is a big deal in APEX, but this is SCW! With all due respect to APEX, success there doesn’t translate to success here as Bella Madison herself, you know, the person you had SUCH a big problem with before you beat her, can attest to.
Levi and Jack aren’t necessarily known for ‘owning the moment’ in SCW, so what makes you think YOU will be different? You’re a strong person, Audrey, but the thing that holds you back is that you have yet to prove that you can be at your strongest. You’ve had your chances in APEX to prove that you can be more than a tag team competitor but the reason why you haven’t is because you don’t have the focus that I’ve grown over the years to be a big match competitor. For instance, in APEX, did you not lose to Mike Hawk recently because your arch nemesis in Heather Haze created a distraction for you? You’ve got to STAY focused no matter what the odds are against you and I question if you have the capability to do that yet. I understand that losing a title match is a heartbreaker, but while you were taking breaks following the loss of your tag team titles, I suffered two DEVASTATING losses to Amber Ryan and I STILL came back stronger. Can YOU even say that you’ve done that? I WANT to say that you have or that you’re on your way to doing so, but when I watch what you say on camera and when I studied footage of you from APEX, I get the sense that you’re just too burdened of a wrestler to reach the potential that you are capable of. I get that you have so much going on. I totally understand that family comes first and that your daughter had surgery recently. Last year, my sister ended up in a life threatening accident and I STILL fought for her… and I’m so happy she’s standing beside me by the way…
When it comes to adversity and pushing through life’s curveballs, I KNOW I am stronger than you at doing so. I take a swing for the fences with those curveballs while you have more of a swing and miss track record. You seem to be the girl that collapses when there’s too much going on around you and I’m not judging you for that because I used to be the same way. You, like me last year, allow just about any nagging little thing to get to you.
On potential alone, you do remind me of a younger me.
But in terms of knowing how to win and learning how to overcome adversity? You’re not in that league just yet. I come into this thing STRONGER after EVERYTHING that I’ve been through last year. While you don’t even KNOW why you’re in this tournament at all, I am in this to win this! I am in this to be one step closer to achieving MY destiny of becoming the SCW Bombshells World Champion! This moment this year belongs to Max and it belongs to ME and I am OWNING IT this time because I am NOT going to allow ANYONE to deny or define me ever again. I am going to take that label of ‘best in SCW that’s never won a world title’ and I’m going to BURN that label into dust! I HATE that it has to come at your expense because you DO seem like someone that I would LOVE to take under my wing and mentor to be the best version of yourself that you can possibly be, but that’s the way it is in this business. I suppose it's only fitting that to advance to where I hunger to be, I have to beat someone that reminds me of the version of myself that I was last year. Not to say that you, or last year’s Myra Rivers was weak or anything, because I know at heart based on what I’ve seen you do that you’re NOT weak…
But just like me last year when I was going through this tournament and my Amber double heartbreak, you’re strong and you’re capable, but unfortunately, you’re not strong enough yet.
Me? I KNOW I am! I KNOW how tough this tournament is and knowing what I was able to accomplish IN SPITE of my shortcomings, I know in my heart that I can win this tournament and become world champion with those shortcomings and old burdens taken care of. I HOPE after this experience, you become smart and strong enough to start overcoming that is keeping you from being the best you can be.
This year? The Rebellious Vixen not only owns the moment, but she owns HER moment and I know that’s going to ruffle some feathers and bruise some egos but I don’t care! Miles, Audrey, as good as you both are, you lack the wisdom, experience and the knowledge of top-tier success that we have to advance past us… and that’s what makes me confident that we’re moving on this Sunday and I get one step closer to my destiny of becoming the SCW Bombshells World Champion I’ve ALWAYS been capable of becoming!"
