[Metal Maniacs]

 
“Poor little Todd, who thinks with his rod,
And fancies himself bad to the bone,
Who thinks he has friends, but when the times comes,
He’ll tragically find he has none.

So woe be to he, who has a big mouth,
And loves to flap his big yap
And he’ll find, in his deranged state of mind,
That’ll fall to the man known as Jack”

July 19, 2020

That was how long it has been since Sin City Wrestling had experienced a case of “the crazies.” That was how long it’s been since anyone had been attacked with a chainsaw, a hot iron, or an automatic hand mixer. … Trust me, you had to be there for that last one in order to believe it. But well over a year - going on two - seems like such a relatively short time, but in the world of professional wrestling? It might as well have been an eternity. So if one can spend that much time away from the sport and yet remain known and even more important - remembered - it spoke volumes on the twisted sense of impact that one had. Not just on the business itself, but on those around them.

July 19, 2020
Wow. It was before the massive pandemic had swept the world beneath all of its fury. When thousands of people whined and complained (and still do to this day) that the expected isolation was “unconstitutional” and that they had important things that needed to be done – such as having their hair cut or getting a mani or a pedi. You know, because things like that are so much more important than helping to stop a pandemic that is killing untold numbers. But for those that were more or less used to confinement? It really wasn’t that big of a deal. Some thrived in isolation, having been so used to it...

In fact, what some might call the torment of isolation, another might think of as just another ordinary day in a life that is anything but…

The Asylum…

That's right, remember this diabolical place? It too is something of a recurring mystery, even though we have seen it time and again. So dark is it and it's reputation that little more be said about it so as to give anyone, any hint as to its true nature or even location. Think Arkham Asylum and you'd be terribly close. You know people -- especially wrestling fans! They intrude and invade, thinking it their right just because.

“Are you certain that this is a good idea? Do you think she’s going to go for it?”

“I think that she’ll be thrilled.”

The voices spoke calmly to one another as the two male figures walked down the sterilized hallway, past rows of closed and secured doors until they finally approached one that was under guard, one of the few maximum security cells here in the hospital. The younger of the doctors turned toward the man in the business suit standing beside him.

Dr. Reyes: I understand your qualifications Doctor Pepper (what, really!?), and we are grateful to have you started with us here. It’s just that I hope you can understand our own wariness at the hospital. She’s been relatively calm and quiet ever since she returned. She really just … sits there, and stares at people. It’s quite unnerving.

Dr. Pepper: I’m sure it is. But to be fair, being stared at by anyone or anything could have the same effect. My cat sits on the edge of the bathtub and stares at me while I bathe. I feel like at times I’m being judged. Especially when he looks ‘down’ at the end of the tub.

Doctor Pepper cocked his head like a curious cat or puppy, as if to give his colleague a visual aid. Doctor Reyes cast a quick, sidelong glance at the curious man to his right side. What an odd thing to say, coming from a psychiatric phenom with his level of expertise.

Dr. Reyes: We’ve heard the horror stories about the things she’s done in that sport, and many of the higher ups in the hospital didn’t want her here for fear of what she might be capable of.

Reyes turned to find the doctor's eyes on him, with a calm expression on his face. Reyes did not know this new arrival by sight, but the average SCW fan would …

Sans the tattered makeup, cracked and peeling from his flesh stood none other than Anthrax, SCW’s “Clown Prince of Crazy Town.” As their eyes were licked, Reyes started to feel unnerved - until Doctor Pepper released him with a disarming smile.

Dr. Pepper: All the more reason for my removing her from these facilities.

He held a hand up to forestall any concerns.

Dr. Pepper: Temporarily - of course.

Dr. Reyes: Of course.

Although Reyes seemed unsure of himself as he slid the key card down the slot of the lock to the left of the door, there was a soft ‘beep’ sound and the lock’s light went from red to green. Reyes then grasped the door handle and opened it, entering cautiously with the so-called Dr. Pepper bringing up the rear. They glanced around the room which had the barest of essentials in it, save for the mountain of stuffed toys on the far side of the room. Gifts, as Dr. Reyes would say, from a casual acquaintance when they were, in fact, from Anthrax himself. There had to be close to thirty or more piled as high as his own waistline; every plush toy one might imagine; from teddy bears to unicorns, stuffed bunnies and even a giant Stitch. Then in the middle of all those adorable faces was another that was more ghastly than anything else, as the subject of the two doctors (or one doctor and one imposter) was buried in Mount St. Plush, with only her face exposed. Much like the closet scene in E.T.!

Dr. Reyes glanced around in suspicion, not spotting her at first, but Pepper/Anthrax saw her right away and smiled in a way that could curdle milk. It was only when Dr. Reyes moved past the plushies and she just SCREAMED - that he jumped from sudden fright, almost falling on his backside.

Dr. Reyes: Jesus…!

And he got another start when he saw those eyes just dart right at him and then behind him, having never seen the sudden and swift blow coming…

The door opened again from out in the hall, and this time it was Dr. Pepper aka Anthrax who emerged, but this time alongside his Metal Maniacs compatriot - the patient herself, Twisted Sister. And Dr. Reyes…?

“MMmppphhh!!!”

The poor doctor thrashed, having woken up in the very straight jacket his patient had just been in - gagged and secured by the feet to the bed…

I know. There are some people who pay good money for treatment like this but just go with it, okay!?

“Jack is nimble, Jack is quick,
Jack will punt Todd right in his d!ck!
Because Jack may be nice, but he does want to win,
And if Jack wants a hand, I’ll gladly torch Todd’s skin”

The USPS Post Office

Is there any other place that is more boring to be? Where one stands in line for minutes on end without an end to the agonizing wait. Waiting to be served by tax-funded peons with bad attitudes at their own lot in life, but with a secure government job so chances are they can’t be let go for any reason. So when one feels grumpy or the need to vent, that employee can make life miserable for those whose tax dollars enable this superiority complex. Bodies pressed close together despite the six foot suggestion … unwashed faces without a mask despite the mandates and the signs on the front door to the building.

Okay, maybe the DMV is worse. … Maybe!

But this time, things seem to be different. At least, where the social distancing is concerned. Nobody has much interest in crowding forward in the misguided belief that it will get them closer to the front of the line so they can hurry up, finish their business and run home to watch daytime talk shows and drink mimosas. Of course, if you were in line with Twisted Sister and Anthrax, how close would you want to get and risk having your face bitten off by the Crown Queen of Carnage?

Yes indeed, the duo were standing in line, in their street clothes, prepared to do business. In the hands of Twisted Sister was a package wrapped in brown paper with the address of SCW’s Las Vegas business office, and randomly scrawled on the paper was “Pretty bird!” in more than one spot.

“Next!”

And the clerk looked up at who approached her counter, and her eyes widened at the startling - and frightening - sight standing in front of her on the opposite side of the glass. Anthrax stood there with that chilling smile but remained without his traditional makeup, but Twisted Sister? This is what the poor USPS clerk saw staring at her…

Clerk: Um, Jim?

Jim: What?

Her colleague in the booth next to her looked up and his eyes widened as well, but being a veteran of the post office, he had seen it all - or so he thought! But he had never seen something quite like THIS! He looked at the fright on Beverly’s face, then looked at the odd duo on the other side and went back to his own customer, muttering…

Jim: Better you than me….

Anthrax twerked his head to the side…

Anthrax: Good afternoon.

Beverly, now as she was known, cleared her throat.

Beverly: C-can I h-help you?

Twisted Sister then set her package on the counter and slid it silently closer to the poor woman who had yet to be able to pry her eyes from the raging psycho, and vice versa! What was it that Anthrax said earlier about being stared at?

Yeah!

Beverly: Regular mail, o-or overn-night?

Anthrax: Overnight. It’s extremely urgent for my friend here.

He laid a hand on her shoulder and Twisted Sister spun her head quick enough to give herself whiplash to stare at his hand, then at him. But strangely enough, he felt no compulsion to remove his hand. Beverly placed the strange package on the scale and went right to business, figuring the sooner she got this over with, the faster they would leave.

Beverly: Approximate worth?

Twisted Sister: Priceless!

This outburst gave Beverly cause to turn her attention back to the duo and she shuddered, but tried to hide doing so - badly. Okay… so maybe under $500 for these freaks… She continued typing and entering information on the package.

Beverly: Is it fragile?

Twisted Sister nodded, her teeth buried into the cuff on her own forearm.

Twisted Sister: More than you’d think!

Beverly: Do you want the package insured?

Twisted Sister’s different colored eyes shifted to the side, toward Anthrax who just puckered his face and shook his head “no.”

Beverly: Does it contain perishable goods? A live animal perhaps?

Twisted Sister shook her head.

Twisted Sister: Not any more.

Beverly went about finishing up the details when she frowned and looked up…

Beverly: … What?

“Poor Missus Alannah, won’t make it to be a gramma,
When she steps in the ring against me,
And I feel for my partner, who faces his wife’s departure,
When I bury her  in the debris,
Of the fight we soon face, her existence I’ll erase,
And take her to her grave for free!
Her blood I will spill, and paint the ring red,
A gift I’ll bestow upon Jack!
Because that’s the friend I am, unto the bitter end!
From the neck up I’ll leave her intact!”


“Can you see meeeee!?”

*tap tap*

“Hi Jack! It’s ME! Can you see me!?”

The ghastly visage of twisted Sister in her ghoulish face paint and her discolored eyes, were in full view as her face filled the camera. She turned her head so the entirely black eye with the red iris was at the forefront, that very eye staring into the camera.

“Pretty bird… pretty bird… “

She turned her head to cast a glance toward a small bird cage hanging from the dank ceiling, a birdcage without a bird. Just a handful of scattered, yellow feathers.

“We’re partners, Jack! You and me! Won’t that be FUN!? And surprise, surprise! In our very first match, we get to play with your wifey wife and Todd “I Wish I Was As Successful As Crystal” Williams!”

“Bad Todd, bad bad Todd! We’ve all heard about your past with Crystal or Christina or whatEVER her name is these days! (And they say I’M crazy!) Little man has a naughty reputation, and you know what has to be done with naughty children! Bad Todd! Bad bad Todd!  Punished, Todd! Naughty boys need punishing! And I think my partner Jack has the makings of a fine disciplinarian! I don’t mind sitting back and watching someone else have some of the fun, but not all…”

She giggled and her fingers laced into her long, red and black streaked hair and she started pulling, thrashing her own head from side to side.

“You boys don’t get to have all the fun. It’s not fair. Not! FAIR!!!”

She rocks her head back and screams in maddened glee, clapping her hands together! She slaps her palms together, fingers intertwined and she tilts her head to the side with her stained teeth bared in a savage smile. She then reached forward and grabbed the camera by the sides with both hands. She leaned in fast and LICKED the lens, leaving a long, red streak over the glass!

“Jack… Pretty bird… pretty Jack… Since we’re such good pals Jack, you know, besties!? I’ve got a little present for you! You know, ANOTHER one! I am going to let you, let me, start our match! Fun! You know what they say – LADIES FIRST JACK!!! I know, I was told that you wanted to start and stay in the ring so your wife didn’t get tagged in but…”

Her teeth bared and she snickered.

“But what if I tag in, Jack!? Think about it! Oh I know that you see yourself as something of a gentleman, but really! First of all, you should know that a lady always goes first. It’s the LAW! So remember that when our match starts, and we get to play together - your wife and me! No… no! No! No! It’ll be alright, Jack! I don’t want you to worry! I won’t end her… or, I’ll TRY not to. Because I want us to win, Jack. I want us to be real pals… and we can’t be, if in our first playdate I end up ruining that missus’s pretty little face, or what’s left of it.”

Her eyes went as wide as saucers and she leaned closer toward the camera.

“Do you like to play, Missus Jack? Because that’s what I’ll call you, because that’s what you are. Shame on you…!”

She wagged a forefinger with black-painted nails at the camera, making a tutting noise with her tongue.

“Your beloved hubby wanted to make a name for himself in this tournament, and along comes the wifey, wanting to steal away her hubby’s thunder! But I bet if you had signed up for the tournament first, and he signed up later like you did, it’d be all boo hoo hoo! My husband wants to take away my spotlight! I’m Alannah! I’m so talented! I’m so pretty! I am so – dead.”

She tilted her head first to the left, and then to the right.

“Living dead girl… they call me that, but that is what you are. Dead girl walking. Oh how unfortunate that those sweet little cherubs will not get to see their mommy playing with Auntie Twisted Sister! I am their Auntie, RIGHT JACK!? Those widdle ones would get to see Mommy and me play with so many fun toys! But Jack gets to watch and he can tell them all about it! He can tell about how pretty mommy is when she gets to paint her face brick red with her very own natural colors! Colors that will stain her face, her hair, her clothes - the entire SCW ring! Broken. Battered. Beaten! BLOODY!”

She screamed and ran right into the camera, her face running right into the lens with a loud and sickening smack!

Immediate blackness - and the camera panned around to watch a wide-eyed Jack Russow having watched the previous on his phone, fingers curled over his lips.

Jack: That was … disturbing…
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