October 14, 2021
“It’s been three weeks…” I tried to tell my sister Adrianna as she gathered up the last of the things she had at my home and was heading toward the front door. My best friend Jazmyn Rain was there with me as well. “...how can you STILL be mad at me after three weeks?”
I could hear Adrianna sigh in frustration.
“You PROMISED ME you were NOT going to be taking part in matches like that Barbwire Explosion thing again and then you turn around and take a Chamber of Xtreme challenge for High Stakes? What the hell is wrong with you?”
“What was I supposed to say? No?”
“...it would have been nice, Myra.”
“But if I had said no then…”
“Then you would’ve had people judging you and mocking you for rejecting a challenge from Jessie Salco. Is that it? Did you have to protect your fucking ego?”
“Adrianna, it’s not like that…” Jazmyn interjected, attempting to mediate the whole situation. “I completely understand that you went through a lot watching Myra put herself through what she did last month. She’s not trying to ‘protect her ego’. On the contrary, she’s trying to prove that she can overcome what honestly, has become the biggest psychological obstacle of her SCW career to date. Taking the match proves that she’s the best role model not just for you, but for Kimberly too…”
“Why do you not trust me on this, Adri?” I asked her.
“You broke a promise to me that you’d never put yourself at risk like that again…” she said with her eyes narrowing in half-anger yet also half-worry. “...and when someone breaks a promise to me, I can’t be around them. I’m going to be at Scotty’s and I don’t know when, or if, I am coming back. Don’t try to get in touch with me…”
“Adrianna, come on…” Jazmyn said.
“I’m sorry Jaz, but I can’t be around her right now. She made a promise. She broke it. YOU of all people would know about Myra breaking promises to you right? How many times has she promised you she wouldn’t treat you like dirt only for her to do it again eventually?”
I could only wince internally from that low blow my own sister just took at me.
“Stay away from me, Myra. I mean that. I can’t even look at you right now.”
Adrianna was out the door before I could say another word. Before I could take that moment in, Jazmyn came up to me and wrapped an arm around me.
“Let her go and give her some time. You’ve got to focus on you right now and find the old Myra again…”
This reshaped my focus for the moment, albeit reluctantly, as we sat down near her purse.
“Remember this?” she asked me as she pulled out an old 4x5 photo of me in my senior prom gown and prom queen tiara. My heart lit up seeing that old memory from 2002.
“Of course…” I said, my eyes lighting up. “In all her glory: so happy, vibrant, carefree, not worrying about what other people thought of her, not taking EVERY single ounce of adversity to heart… that’s EXACTLY the Myra I want to find again…”
Time to reflect on happier times again…
May 2002
“Congratulations!!!”
Jazmyn almost wanted to shriek with joy when we hugged each other moments after I was crowned prom queen!
“I wasn’t surprised. After all, you ARE and have been the most popular girl in the whole school!”
I was happy, but I was almost in complete disbelief. Part of me wanted to shed tears of joy the moment the tiara was put on my head.
“I never asked for this… at all…”
“Hey, when you’re you and when you don’t try to be what you’re not, it does go a long way! We should SO celebrate this soon…”
“I AGREE!” I said with an excited pitch in my voice. “What do you suggest? DisneyWorld?”
“Um… I was thinking more like sneaking into a college party somewhere and fucking shit up, you know? Tag some cars, hide some beers, get with some frat boys for the night and…”
“Are you talking about fucking shit up or fucking yourself up?” I asked her, laughing after I said that. “Oh Jazmyn. You wild child! Besides, I’m not going to cheat on my boyfriend with a one night stand. Oh, I know! SHOPPING SPREE! Everything on my dad’s credit card!”
“YES! Brilliant!”
Jazmyn and I high fived and hugged each other before we went across the dance floor. I was greeted with nothing but smiles and hugs from some of my friends along the way.
“Congratulations” a young man who would be Jazmyn’s future husband said to me.
“You really are the most beautiful person in the world!” my then boyfriend said when we crossed paths.
“You were always the raddest and COOLEST person EVER!” a mutual female friend of ours stated. I was feeling all of the love in my heart.
“I hope you never change…” Scotty said to me. “I think you’re going to do great at my father’s wrestling school.”
“Scotty, I KNOW I am going to do great! No need to remind me. Besides, I’m not thinking about that right now! I just want to have fun! I mean… HELLO? Prom queen?”
I laughed some more, showing off more of my brighter spirit.
“Right, yes. Of course.” Scotty said with a chuckle. “Congratulations again!”
“Thank you!” I said with joy as we embraced once more. Jazmyn and I continued on with our senior prom and all I could remember was how I was certainly feeling like the toast of the town and how elated and happy I was. I knew that in a matter of hours, I’d be miserable again being at home with my father, but that was the furthest thing from my mind. I was happy. This was my final moment of glory before my high school graduation and that is all I gave a damn about.
Present Day
Coming out of that memory, all I could do was sigh in regret.
“That afterparty was amazing, wasn’t it?” Jazmyn asked.
“Especially when the cops busted it and we all had to bail…” I said with a soft chuckle. “God, I miss her. I have tried to relax and have a little more fun. I went to a country club in Atlanta and tried to socialize and I felt so out of place. I took Kimberly to DisneyWorld in Orlando and while I was happy that she was happy, I wasn’t feeling it myself.”
“Why don’t WE do something fun right now?”
Hearing Jazmyn say this caught me by surprise.
“When we always had fun, it was mostly foolproof. You like Real Housewives?”
“Ew! No! That is garbage television.”
“Oh I agree! I just like laughing at all the Karens. OH, I know! We can watch some old music videos from back in the day! We should find that EVERYBODY video from the Backstreet Boys!”
“Ewww… N’Sync was SO much better…”
“PFFFT! Overrated!”
“Jaz, are we NOT having that never ending debate we had when we were teens. Come on! Just put on an N’Sync video and we can jam to it like we always did!”
“But I want the Backstreet Boys damn it. I know! Rock, Paper, Scissors. Yeah, that’s how we always settled things!”
“FINE!” I said, partially annoyed but partially amused.
“Rock, paper, scissors SHOOT!” We both said in unison as I picked paper and she picked rock.
“UGH! N’SUCK it is…” Jazmyn said amusingly. “Which song?”
“It’s Gonna Be Me?”
Jazmyn shrugged as she turned on my television to connect to YouTube. However, before Jazmyn can search for the song, a recommendation titled “MYRA EXPLODES IN BARBWIRE” with a screencap of my Violent Conduct match pops up front and center.
Whatever good mood I was building up instantly dissipated. I was staring right at a trigger that was making me feel heartbroken and melancholy all over again and Jazmyn saw that heartbroken look on my face.
“Myra, ignore that. I know it’s hard for you. But, we’re past that now.”
Seeing just the recommendation was enough to take me back to a psychological dark place that I had been in and out of ever since.
“Look, you can’t allow that match to be another ‘Luciana’ moment. You overcame that. How can you be stuck on this? I don’t understand why seeing such a stupid recommendation bothers you. You gave it your best and that’s all that matters no matter what anyone has to say. We’re over this…”
“...I’m not…” I admitted, much to her surprise. “...it will never be enough…”
“Myra…” Jazmyn said with a sigh.
“She said it seemingly ad nauseum...in so many different ways.. It will never be enough. I will never be enough.”
I was fighting them back, but I could feel the tears coming.
“I’m not over it because I will never forget what I felt when I woke up again…”
“What did you feel?”
“...I felt like I was never going to be a world champion again…”
September 13, 2021
2:36 AM.
The morning after Violent Conduct.
I was wide awake on my hospital bed. I can feel various stings going throughout me from the cuts that had to be bandaged and some even stitched. I felt this incredible soreness that made me feel like I couldn’t move. Then, I felt this unbelievable burning sensation on my right arm that was causing me to wince in pain and narrow my eyes to cope with it. I looked at my right arm and saw a four inch long stitching on my right tricep. I widened my eyes, shocked by this. My head was pounding. I looked around the room seeing if the SCW Bombshells World Championship was around. It wasn’t.
My heart began to sink.
Violent Conduct was on replay and I had awoken just in time to see the explosive ending. When I saw Amber Ryan with the world championship out of all of that?
My heart didn’t just sink… it exploded. And when it did, nothing but the reality that my window of opportunity to be SCW Bombshells World Champion, a reality that was excruciating, was pouring through me now.
“You will never be enough…” a voice in my head told me. “You will never be enough. Never be enough. Never be enough.”
It pounded my conscience again and again.
“You will never be good enough to be SCW Bombshells World Champion…” I thought to myself as the tears started to fall. You will never be the hero to your loved ones that you’ve tried so hard to be. You will never be the mother that Kimberly deserves to have… you second rate, choking, no-good FAILURE! That Internet title reign was a mirage and it’s all downhill from here. Accept it…”
I was thinking about ALL the words Amber Ryan had said to me in recent months ranging from being insecure, to ‘needing her to be relevant’, and especially to the one recurring thought that was stabbing me in my subconscious so hard it broke and made me numb to the point of feeling a sickening, tingling sensation down my spine for about 30 seconds:
“You will never be enough”
I squinted my eyes resulting in more tears slowly falling down my face and then I felt a chill pour through my shoulders…
“Amber is right… I will never be enough…”
I didn’t cry myself back to sleep. I obsessively rewatched the match, over and over and over again, all but accepting a falsehood that I no longer had the strength to fight back against…
This acceptance kept me numb to the point where I cut myself off from everyone. I began to doubt everything I was all about. And I even questioned if I ever wanted to wrestle again.
Rock bottom came for me once more… and like it always does, it hit me incredibly hard…
Present Day
Jazmyn’s eyes widened in shock and she was left in stunned silence when I told her about what happened in the hospital. I got up as did she.
“Let’s switch places…” I told her in a sullen tone. We sat down and Jazmyn was sitting to my right instead of my left. I rolled up my right sleeve and showed Jazmyn a four inch scar on my right tricep that had formed after the stitches were taken out.
“Oh my GOD…” Jazmyn said with a gasp.
“Every time this scar comes into view, Violent Conduct plays in my head all over it and I am reminded of my failure and how right Amber was all along. I feel like all I am doing is regressing…”
“You’re not…”
“The Myra you knew 12 years ago wouldn’t be going through the emotions I’ve been going through for the last month because unlike NOW, I didn’t give a crap about my reputation in this business… at least nowhere near as much as I stress and burden myself over it now. That’s regression…”
“Myra…” Jazmyn begins with a concerned pitch in her voice. “...that was just in the moment, right? In the hospital? You REALLY don’t believe Amber is right and that you’ll never be enough.”
“...I do…” I said, causing Jazmyn to sigh and worry.
“Don’t, Myra! PLEASE don’t! You know in your heart that’s not true! You know in your heart that the majority of nonsense she said about you isn’t true and even what little IS true is just an exaggeration to begin with just to make herself feel better. You know the mantra, Myra! You have to BELIEVE! What other people say about you DOESN’T matter! What matters is…”
“Jaz… that mantra is outdated now. Right now? I feel like the biggest fucking failure on the Bombshells roster and have since Violent Conduct. If that old mantra from 2008 is true to the letter, then I really am a failure… and I never WILL be enough…”
“QUIT IT!” Jazmyn said in a louder pitch. “The mantra still works…”
I lost my cool for the moment.
“AMBER FUCKING BROKE ME!” I screamed at her, causing her to quiet down. “I had TWO chances against her… and I FAILED! That fucking KILLS ME, Jaz.”
I broke down and lost it, finding myself in another embrace with Jazmyn and a shoulder to cry on.
“Don’t let it kill you anymore than it already has…” Jazmyn said in a tone that made me realize she was crying too. It’s going to be okay…”
“It won’t… not when it’s in my head day after day after day…”
“Losing twice to Amber doesn’t mean she’s right. Quit doing this to yourself. Why is this all coming out NOW?”
“I tried EVERYTHING…” I began, as our embrace broke and I looked back at my lifelong best friend. “...I bottled it all up. I didn’t want to be sad. I wanted to be strong… even if I had to fake most, if not all of it, when the cameras were on. But this has destroyed me for the past month to the point where any little reminder triggers me… she broke me, Jaz… she broke me…”
Jazmyn could only give me a look in her eyes that indicates she was really feeling my pain as I told her about something that happened at Climax Control 312…
Climax Control 312
I was packed up and ready to head out. I was feeling better following my win over Bea Barnhart and a little bit more determined after that Jessie Salco confrontation. I just happened to glance at a nearby monitor when I saw Roxi Johnson and Christina Rose co-winning the main event to punch their tickets to High Stakes against Amber Ryan.
Suddenly, I forgot that my win against Bea even happened.
I felt a gutting devastation that was crippling me.
“It will never be enough…” I told myself in my head again. “Even when you succeed like you did tonight against Bea, it will never, EVER be enough. They are in the Bombshells main event of High Stakes and you’re not. It will NEVER be enough…”
At this point, “it will never be enough” repeated in my conscience again and again until I went to the outlet the monitor was plugged into and I ripped the plug out of the socket. As those five words kept repeating in my head in an endless loop?
I felt sad that it could’ve been me going into the event as the SCW Bombshells World Champion and it wouldn’t be.
I felt empty, feeling like everything I had worked hard for in SCW, especially that record breaking Internet Championship reign, meant nothing.
I felt regret with the perceived reality in my head making me feel as if I was never, ever going to live up to the potential I always wanted to live up to as a professional wrestler. When it occurred to me that Amber, Christina and Roxi were most likely going to be the main event for the Bombshells division, I felt sick to my stomach.
In the moment, it felt like it was never going to get better for me no matter how hard I tried. Forget eight years ago when I lost my last match before my maternity retirement to my biggest rival ever: Summer XXXtreme and Violent Conduct became my new collective cross to bear… a cross that I was beginning to feel in this moment was going to crucify me out of professional wrestling for good.
I felt like I was about to break down again. But I flashed a fake smile just to feel something different.
I grabbed my belongings and left the Climax Control event as fast as I could to avoid the possibility of anyone in the locker room seeing me cry. Once I got into my rental car and turned it on, I let it all out again… the hurt, the regret, the emptiness… all drowning me in the feeling that nothing I do in my career will ever be good enough…
Present Day
My eyes were thankfully starting to dry as I explained how I felt when reality set in that I wasn’t going to be in the High Stakes main event. Jazmyn let out a sigh, although I noticed it was more out of frustration than anything.
“How can you let that woman have so much power over you?” Jazmyn asked me, surprising me to the point where I was floored. “It is so frustrating that literally the STRONGEST PERSON I’VE EVER MET… and the person that mentored and trained me to be part of this business, is letting someone like Amber Ryan BREAK HER like this! You’re BETTER than that, Myra. How the HELL do you expect to ever find your old self and who you really are when you are stuck killing yourself AND HURTING YOURSELF WITH A BUNCH OF LIES THAT SOMEONE LIKE THAT FUCKING CUNT AMBER, WHO BY THE WAY, DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING IN THE BIG PICTURE, filled your FRAGILE LITTLE HEAD WITH?”
“Jaz…” I said, further shocked by her sudden anger.
“The Myra that I grew up with? She NEVER gave a FUCK about what ANYONE else thought of her. When you find out someone said something bad about you, you scoffed it off, you let it roll off of your back and you moved on. Honestly, if prom queen Myra jumped into a time machine and come to this moment and saw YOU like this, she would be DISGUSTED at the woman she’s going to grow up to be. I understand that everything that happened cauterized and emotionally wounded the shit out of you and I, of all people, who has struggled to win ANY title these last three years, definitely understand the disappointment of losing to someone like THAT twice in a row, but having a fucking PITY PARTY where you keep telling yourself IT’LL NEVER BE ENOUGH over and over and over again and being Amber Ryan’s BITCH isn’t going to FUCKING SOLVE ANYTHING!”
“How am I…”
“Myra, losing twice to Amber isn’t what makes you her bitch. It’s how you defeat yourself and want to admit that she was ‘right’ that makes you her bitch. Would Prom Queen Myra have ever allowed herself to be beneath anyone? Even for a moment? Actually, let me hit this closer to home for you. In your early wrestling career when you were breaking out and winning your first three world championships… would the woman that at the time called herself the REBELLIOUS VIXEN EVER quit and allow someone else to be right about her even when she wasn’t?”
“...no… because the Rebellious Vixen was hellbent on shutting people up and proving people wrong no matter what it took. She didn’t allow ANYONE to define her.”
“Myra, let me put it to you like this. You ARE enough. You’ve ALWAYS been enough! You will ALWAYS be enough! If Amber was right about you, would you have ever even made it to the mainstream let alone accomplish everything that you have, especially in SCW? You are enough to be the SCW Bombshells World Champion and if you weren’t SCW would’ve never hired you at all. You ARE enough, as you are in your heart, no matter what some bullshit, insecure fucking BITCH wants to say otherwise. You don’t need to fake anything or be anything other than you! You, as you are today, are enough. You want to find that old Myra that you were again? You accept things as they are today whether you like what happened or not. You accept your failures, you accept your shortcomings. You don’t try to run and hide and make excuses. You don’t try to fake smile your way through them. You embrace who the fuck you are, flaws and strengths alike, and you accept the flaws and the strengths that you had back then. When you do that, what you were before and what you are now comes together in perfect harmony and you are the best version of yourself you can possibly be!
You ARE enough… say it….”
I cringed for a bit, feeling quite unsure.
“Say it Myra. I want to hear it.”
“I am enough…” I said with a hesitant tone…
“I’m not convinced…”
“I AM enough…” I said with a more forceful confident vibe.
“Once more with FEELING, damn it!”
“I AM ENOUGH!!!!!!”
“There you go!”
“All these years of changing this and changing that because I felt like it wasn’t good enough, all these years of the same pattern of me hating and being insecure with myself just because I don’t fulfill my own lofty expectations, all this time being tempted to go back to my old evil ways or regretting this part of my past and that part of my past and feeling like I have to keep overcoming it over and over and over… I am FUCKING DONE WITH IT, JAZMYN! I’m DONE! I will NEVER be the best version of myself if I keep falling into the same pattern over and OVER again! You mentioned the Rebellious Vixen…”
“...I did…” Jazmyn said with a smile as she was becoming happy that I was having an epiphany.
“I remember… how she never beat herself up for anything… how she would ENJOY taking the words of other people and shoving them right up their ass… how no matter what the circumstances were, she would always find a way to pull through and give it her best and would always remain confident through any adversity that tried to bring her down. She never regretted anything. She never used the past to bring herself down and make her feel like she wasn’t worthy of anything. She is who I have to find again…
...she is who I need to BE again…”
“Are you saying… what I think you’re saying?”
“It’s not going to be overnight. I’ve got to rediscover everything about her that made her so special…” I paused, slightly giving myself a moment of hesitation as I wondered if what I was about to say was something that I could commit to. But my heart was telling me in an instant that making the commitment I was about to make was the right thing for me to do… “...which I will. Jaz?
It’s time to bring “Rebellious” back…”
“I have been waiting almost a DECADE for you to say that!!!” Jazmyn exclaimed with joy. We gave each other an embrace and suddenly, I was flowing with joy in my own heart knowing that my latest epiphany gave me just the answers that I needed to find.
Now? I knew exactly WHO I needed to find and WHO I needed to be in this business…
And with that figured out?
It was time to start the process of being the best version of myself I could ever possibly be in this business…
October 15, 2021
I was down in my basement and feeling quite strange throwing it back to an old era of my career. I was looking in the mirror dressed in my old ring gear from 2009 where instead of wrestling pants now, I was wearing wrestling shorts then, as I am right now with black being the color. Instead of the basic, sleeveless top I wear these days with just wrist tape on my wrists, I would wear a sparking matching top with sleeves that would extend from my wrist to the top of my elbow. The sleeves are visible, but the top is covered by an old, black colored t-shirt with a pink, bubble gum style font that says “Rebellious” on it. Add on “Say I” by Christina Milian playing in the background on my iPhone and the nostalgia, along with the immense happiness of being the ‘Rebellious Vixen’ again, even for a promo for the time being, had be feeling loose and free for the first time in nearly a decade as I sat on a nearby stool, turned toward the camera and began to express my thoughts.
“Notice anything different about me? Yeah, I am having a special flashback Friday here. Earlier in my career, from 2008 to 2013, the ‘Rebellious Vixen’ is what they knew me as back in PRW. So you’re wondering WHY I am presenting this to you. Well, take a good long look because in due time, this is what I am going to be again. You see, the Rebellious Vixen was a CONFIDENT, STRONG woman that didn’t give a SHIT about what anyone thought of her… a total contrast to what I have been here when I’ve addressed some criticisms at me and even taken them to heart out of my own insecurities. With the Rebellious Vixen? Insecure was a foreign language to her. She knew what her goals were and losing a match didn’t break her. It pushed her to become stronger… unlike me after Blast from the Past and my two losses to Amber where I questioned myself and wondered if I would ever be good enough. She went out and she won SO many big matches. In fact, my second world championship occurred in a Hell in a Cell match and I was defending that title on PRW’s grandest stage a month later… SUCCESSFULLY! The Rebellious Vixen was a personable, popular woman who INTERACTED with the masses that fell in love with her and did everything she could to make them happy… unlike who I’ve been in SCW from the start where while I love my fans, I have been mainly cold and distant from them and they don’t see me as someone they can count on. You see… the Rebellious Vixen was… dare I say… a SUPERHERO of sorts that would ALWAYS do the right thing and silence and put in their place ANYONE that DARED threatened the sanctity of this business.
And because I got insecure with myself when someone beat me for my third world title…and then I’d lose to that person two more times…
I slowly began to give up on her to the point where… well… in 2013 that’s exactly what I did. From the bottom of my heart, giving up on her was the biggest non-match regret of my career. I should have evolved her and continued to make her better and instead I abandoned the personality that made me what I was in this business. For so long, I didn’t stay true to myself and even here in SCW, while I’ve been MOSTLY true to myself, there have STILL been missing pieces to the puzzle. I’ve FOUND those missing pieces now… and I just need to figure out where they fit and that starts with YOU, Roxi Johnson. This is the second time we’ve faced each other and the first? You know that I beat you. You gave me one hell of a fight though, at Into the Void. Prior to Summer XXXtreme, you were without question the toughest challenger I had faced during my reign. But there is ONE thing I DO want to mention from that experience Roxi, and that’s the fact that going into that match, you expressed concern and worry about me and you were worried that I would fall back to my old, evil ways once my reign was over.
Well, my reign IS over, Roxi.
Yes, I had two heartbreaking losses to Amber.
Yes, I felt like I was on the verge of giving up on this, on both occasions. Yes, I beat myself up after the fact both times.
Yet, here I stay. Yet, I DIDN'T cave and go back to my old ways. Actually, I am now… sort of… but NOT in the way you were thinking of. No, I am BATTLING BACK! I am facing Jessie at High Stakes in that Chamber of Xtreme match, a match that she has never lost. But before I deal with that, I have to deal with you. In a way, I envy you, Roxi… and it’s not because of High Stakes and because you’re going to be challenging for the world title. I envy you because I see you and I see the wrestler that I could’ve been had I never given up on the Rebellious Vixen that had made me such a success in the early part of my career. You have had your ups and downs. You have taken a lot of shit from people. You have suffered some BRUTAL losses… even to Amber just like I have. You have taken your lumps losing to wrestlers you would normally beat 9 times out of 10 in Johanna Krieger and Ruby Steele. You have suffered some tough losses to the likes of Andrea Hernandez. And yet, not only are you still here… you are still YOU! You are STILL everything that you have always been right down to your core because you are STRONG ENOUGH to NEVER give up on who you are… unlike me… that’s what I envy you for. I see you and I see what could’ve been… and I see what still CAN BE. You see, this match for me Roxi, despite the high stakes that surround it, I am going into my first match in SO LONG a free spirit. I know that the stakes just might be that I can put myself in front of the world title line post-High Stakes with a win over you, but that’s not my goal on Sunday.
My mission on Sunday, Roxi, is to rediscover every piece of the Rebellious Vixen puzzle that I can against you knowing exactly what I have to do to be the best version of myself again, to reconnect with my younger self and finally find a perfect harmony with her. You are everything that reminds me of my old self: strong, confident, brave, resilient, coming back time and time again to prove people wrong no matter how many times… EVERYTHING I want to be at one hundred percent again. I AM going to beat you, don’t get me wrong on that. But while I do so, I am going to pick your brain and figure out exactly what I need to do to put myself back together again. You’re not facing the Myra that put pressure on herself in her match against you at Into the Void. No, that’s not who you are going to get. You’re not going to get the Myra that was hellbent on breaking records all while unconsciously holding herself down with the weight of her past being on her shoulders and feeling like she has to atone for it. Now? I don’t feel like I need to atone for anything anymore and I’m not focused on overcoming my past.
I got nothing to lose on Sunday except for this match and come hell or high water, I’m NOT doing that. But you, Roxi? It’s ALL on you… that pressure that weighed me down for years, including my entire SCW run up to this point. You’re in that High Stakes main event and you HAVE to live up to that. You HAVE to have the momentum going into High Stakes. You HAVE to have that because somewhere in your soul, there’s this sneaky little voice that is telling you that if you can’t beat me, you’re not beating Amber. You can deny it internally all you want, but whether you realize it or not, that is weighing on your soul. Believe me, I felt that TONS of times so far in my SCW career. I felt it when I faced Christina a few months ago. I felt it when I faced Alicia not that long ago. That weight is on YOUR shoulders, Roxi. Going into the four-way, you even admitted that you were ‘content but not satisfied’... and you and I both know that you felt JUST THAT when you and Christina co-won that four way. Sure, content that you are going to High Stakes… but could you REALLY be satisfied with the fact that you couldn’t win it outright? You’re not. We both know that!
That weighs on you. You talked about how you were not going to accept anything less than a victory. What if it wasn’t you, Roxi? What if Christina was the only one coming out of that match as a winner challenging for the world title at High Stakes? You wouldn’t have taken it well. What, with you repeating the “content but not satisfied” mantra over and over again. I get that you want to be the world champion again and that this is why we do what we do, but… you see… there was another reason why I described you the way I did besides comparing you to the old self I am aiming to be again. I wasn’t the only comparison I was going for. I was also bringing up how I see you personally to compare you to the way you’ve been acting lately because this whole ‘content but not satisfied’ mantra feels SO out of character for you. You care about being a world champion and all, but I don’t recall a time where you took being a world champion THIS much to heart. You’ve always felt like a go with the flow type to me and now you’ve reached a point where anything less than a victory is satisfactory? To me, that sounds like someone that’s fragile enough to crack at any misstep. Hell, I’M the one worrying about YOU and how YOU are going to cope with a defeat, ironically enough. I worry that beating you is going to take you from ‘content but not satisfied’ to absolutely desperate. What is driving you so damn hard? Is it the fact that the two women you’re in that match with are women you have less than stellar history with? Is it the fact that last year, Christina and Amber were beating you on a constant basis?
Does this have anything to do with the fact that the last time you were world champion, you did it to ‘redeem yourself’ only to have a much shorter reign than you wanted when CHRISTINA of all people beat you? I’m POSITIVE that it STILL pains you, Roxi. I am confident when I say that the fact that you have NOT regained the title since then places a HUGE chip on your shoulder that drives you to carry yourself as out of character as you have. You know what GROWS that chip on your shoulder? The fact that last year at High Stakes, Amber Ryan beat you. Don’t tell me, someone that until recently had an extremely hard time letting go of things, that it’s not a motivator for your hardcore world title push. In a way, High Stakes presents a perfect opportunity for you because you get to not only beat your sworn enemy, the same one that beat you last year at High Stakes, but you also get to beat the woman that ended your last world title run. It’s the perfect fairy tale, right?
Take it from the woman that had the perfect fairy tale of winning the world title for her sister on her 350th day as Internet Champion and her 37th birthday… don’t get married to that idea.
Your recent attitude reminds me SO much of the attitude that I am working hard day after day to break away from. That chip on your shoulder can only grow so big Roxi, and that is a lesson I have learned the hard way in recent months. I am going to tell you, again from experience and from seeing the same signs in you, that if you focus too much on trying to make up for the past like High Stakes last year or the night your last world title reign ended, you are NOT going to win the World title at High Stakes this year. Hell, I’ll even be as bold as saying that you’re not even going to beat me because unlike you, I am not carrying the burdens of my past anymore. It wasn’t just Amber being better than me twice that cost me the world title, it was focusing too hard on the past and trying to make up for it in the worst way that cost me too. I’m not saying this to bring you down or to criticize you, Roxi. I am doing this to help you… hell… to warn you about your recent ‘not satisfied’ attitude and the consequences of what can happen if you take that attitude too far… if you haven’t done so already. Take it from someone who went on that roller coaster and who nearly lost her career because of it.
That pressure is all on you on Sunday Roxi, and I hate to say it because I respect you and everything, but it’s all going to collapse on you like a house of cards. I am going to beat you and make you doubt and question yourself going into High Stakes, not because I WANT to… because that’s the last thing I want to do… but because you’re not going to handle it well. This loss coming to you on Sunday is going to hurt you, hurt your momentum and hurt your confidence because you’re going to wonder if you REALLY deserve to be at High Stakes especially since you couldn’t get that title shot outright. It’s ironic to a degree… that to find the puzzle pieces to rediscover the Rebellious Vixen and to find a perfect harmony with her to be the best version of myself possible… I have to fight and beat the woman that not only is an EXAMPLE of what I can be and WANT to be again… but has become an EXAMPLE of what I’ve BEEN throughout my SCW career and what I am trying to NEVER be again: someone who is…
Well…
Content…
But not satisfied…
Come Sunday, when I pick up a HUGE win against you and when I continue to rediscover EVERYTHING that made my younger self a very special woman and a very special wrestler, I will continue to show this division, REGARDLESS of whether who loves me or hate me, that I AM enough… and that I WILL be enough to be the SCW Bombshells World Champion.
Sunday is when I begin to REALLY break free from my burdens and progress toward being that amazing, wonderful, carefree, light hearted soul that I once was, and will be again.
Nothing personal Roxi…
You just happen to be my obstacle, and a very fitting one at that, that happens to be in the way of my journey of a REBELLIOUS rediscovery…
After Sunday? You’re going to be the one that carries an envy toward me…
I give a bit of a confident wink, showing that I’m not afraid of how Roxi will take those words that I just told her and expressing a strong conviction on top of that. I shut off the camera feeling incredibly strong. Turning back toward the mirror… I was feeling like I really am the wrestler that I was born to be for the first time in a decade.
For the first time in so long, I feel like I can smile and be genuinely happy with myself again...
And this is only the beginning...
