Session 13: Empty Mirrors
”You never talked about the boys…”
There is a reason for that
Alicia thought it to herself. At this point, she knew better than to say something like that. All it would do is set the Doctor off on a path of probing and prodding. And in the end, Alicia would break down, she would tell Dr. Whitlow exactly what was on her mind, how she felt, what she thought and they would try and see something positive in it. But Alicia had enough of the song and dance. All of this was weighing on her. Her career, her personal life. So much had changed since she started therapy.
Talking through her past and all the issues she had and everything that weighed on her heart seemed like such a positive. But in the end the more she found out about herself and her choices the more her heart hurt.
And this was something she wasn’t looking forward to sharing.
Every failure in her life, whether it was as a wrestler, a daughter, a sister, a wife, or human being. None of it came close to the p[ain, guilt, and sadness she felt as she confronted her shortcomings and mistakes as a mother. Failures that she knew she had to confront, that she had to be honest about. Her hands clasped together as she took a deep breath in, Dr Whitlow giving Alicia a moment to compose herself.
While Alicia had learned about her Doctors process, Dr Whitlow had also learned when to push Alicia and when to give her space. ”It took alot of work…”
Dr Whitlow gave a small nod of understanding, her eyes showing her usual patience and compassion, she had been able to prove to Alicia over the last several months that she had empathy for her situation and history. She never judged her, she never made Alicia feel like a bad person, despite everything, all her mistakes and decisions throughout her life from a teenager to a young adult, Dr. Whitloe had never made her feel like there was no forgiveness or redemption. Or that she had made the same mistake multiple times.
”What was it like? Seeing them for the first time when you returned?”
Normally Alicia could hold the tears back, at least till she got back to her car, or back home. But this time she just couldn’t. She couldn’t hold them back or stop them. She felt one roll down her cheek, followed by a second. And before she knew it they flowed. ”They didn’t…” She couldn’t get the words out. She sat forward her head in her hands as she heard her own heavy, staggered breathing.
She didn’t recognize them. They had grown so much. From the toddler and baby, they had been to the small children, looking so much like her. Heads full of blond hair, blue eyes, and sweet smiles. Alicia’s heart fluttered and beat so fast. She couldn’t believe it. It had been almost three years. She had seen pictures of them, sent ones in return for them to see. But they had not done the boys justice. Rory and Ryan could walk and in Rory’s case talk. He was almost five years old. Ryan, his younger brother was three and a half. He had been just six months old when Alicia said goodbye.
Leaving in the dead of night to escape their father. But here she was, a court-mandated visit.
The judge giving her time to get to know them before a final decision was made. But the last few minutes had seemed like hours. Then, she heard them. Children’s laughter, voices. Alicia‘s ears picked up, her eyes move right to the door she anticipated than coming in. She remembered being so nervous that her hands were shaking, her entire body started to tingle as she wanted to get up and run towards the door. But she needed to stay calm, she needed to keep in mind that they were still children. The door clicked, her mother stepped in followed by Rory And Ryan.
Alicia took a sharp breath in as her heart felt like it was going to beat out of her chest. She stood up, putting her right hand over her heart keeping her left at her side. She took a few breaths trying to calm herself down smiling at her mother who smiled when we back. One of the few times that Alicia had seen her mother smile at her and actually mean it. The boys looked up at her, she smiled even wider.
Alicia stepped forward and reached out, Rory moving across and standing in between Alicia and his little brother. He looked confused. Scared. Intimidated.
Alicia’s heart sank to her stomach. The weight of the situation weighed heavily on her shoulders and her heart. They didn’t remember her, they didn’t recognise her. To her children, her sons, she was a stranger. Even though she had sent photos back they didn’t know who she was or why they were there. She swallowed hard and looked up at her mother, Barbara shook her head and stepped back giving them space. Alicia to stepped back and slowly lowered herself down to their level looking at both of them.
She smiled as warmly as she could. Her voice lowered to almost a whisper staying soft and kind. ”Hi. I’m…I’m Violet.”
Her birth name felt horrible coming out of her mouth. But it is what she needed. She bit her bottom lip, Rory stayed in between her and his younger brother but he stepped forward, tilting his head and slowly reaching out. He was thinking, studying her. Assessing her body language and trying to understand who she was. He was a smart boy, bright blue eyes just like hers.
She closed her eyes and took a sharp breath in. ”I’m your mother…”
There was silence, Apollo is in anything that Alicia wanted to say. She does not want to overwhelm the boys, and Rory, his face remained blank. His eyes moved up and down before finally saying something. ”Our mom is dead…” he turned and walked away, taking his younger brother by the hands they want to go and play with some of the toys that Alicia‘s mother had bought for them.
She took a deep breath, holding in tears. Her mother moved closer coming to her side. ”If I wanted to see them…their father made me promise to go along with it….I’ll talk to them.”
Alicia had no idea what to say. She understood why her mother did it, she understood the risks that were involved. But that didn’t make it any easier. Her mother went over to talk to the boys, Alicia keeping her distance as she sat in a chair in the corner of the room. Watching them play while she tried to explain what had happened. Alicia wanted to walk over, she wanted to hold them, she wanted to tell them how sorry she wasn’t how much she loved them and how much they meant to her. But she couldn’t.
That would have to wait.
”I can’t imagine how much that would’ve hurt. It must’ve been very painful for you.” Her voice was empathetic, Dr Whitlow reached over and put her hand on Alicia’s. Alicia gave a slow nod taking another deep breath in. This time she had nothing else to say, nothing to wrap up in a little bar, nothing to make herself feel better or open the door for the doctor to make her feel better. This time it was just a painful memory. One that has etched itself in her mind and stayed fresh.
Fueling her determination.
Earn it.
”Does Anyone believe that I’m happy with my place in the company right now? But I’m happy with my performance as in what I’ve been able to accomplish over the last couple of months?”
Alicia step forward, the arms folded over her chest as she looked straight down at the ground. The long blonde hair flowing down her back and shoulders.
”I am still one of the best in this company and I still have a record that reflects that. Am I as dominant as I have been in the past? No of course not. I have not been able to re-discover that file I had. I have not been able to step in this ring and mow through opponents like a hot knife through butter like I did for the first two years of my career in sin city wrestling.”
“The question is, have I lost some of what made me special? Or, have others in this company stepped up and finally become the challenges that I wanted them to be?”
“Truth is, I just don’t know. I don’t know if I’ve lost a step or if they’ve gained a step. I don’t know if this is all in my head or if it is genuinely true. I don’t know if there is a reason. All I know is that I wanted to earn my way to a championship match. Earning things, you are going to notice a running theme while I stand here and talk to all of you about earning things. Because there seems to be a serious lack of respect for the pecking order and actually earning what you deserve.”
She is clearly angry. Her body language, her tone that she has in her voice with every comment she makes. The fact that the last few lines were spoken through gritted teeth
”I wanted to earn that shot at Amber and the bombshells world championship. I wanted to get in the ring with Amber again and see if I could in fact beat her. You see she is the measuring stick of this company in the women’s division. She is the bombshell of bombshells. I have no problems admitting that and I’m not going to sit here and say that I am the best. One of the best? Of course that’s never going to change. But the only person in this company who has the right to say they are the best in the world is Amber fucking Ryan.”
“And now, well now she has a pair of challengers in front of her that she is going to be able to run over the top of. You see Amber is most likely going to have to face both Roxi and Crystal. You see I had Mercedes Vargas beaten. I picked her up I dropped her across my knee and shoved that knee right through her face. I was with in seconds of earning a championship match against Amber Ryan. High-stakes, the biggest show of the year, the best in the world the current bombshell champion against the woman who set the standard for what a bombshells champion should be right now.”
“That is the match that should be happening. But instead we get a challenger who won’t be much of a challenge and another one who Amber spent the better part of three months beating the shit out of.”
“Wow” Alicia slowly applauds. ”In-fucking-credible
She shakes her head obviously still furious of the situation that is standing in front of her.
”I have to standby and watch Amber go ahead to break all of my records and I’m robbed of an opportunity to attempt to stop her as well as get that championship back and prove that I am the best. Don’t get me wrong there is no hate towards Amber Ryan if anyone is going to break my records then I’m glad it will be her.”
“But, after watching two others rob me of that chance I turn up to find that Kiera Fisher-Johnson is getting handed…fucking HANDED an opportunity.”
“I don’t know why I’m surprised.”
“That family gets handed everything. I handed her wife a championship match, and she failed. Only for both of them to stick around since city wrestling like a bad smell for the next couple of years. And because of that they’ve both been champions. Both of them taking that championship off of me at various points. I’ve given them a better life, I’ve given their son a better life. And what is the thanks that I get for making them stars. For agreeing to face them despite the fact that they never earned a goddamn thing? My prize is to have to sit back as not only one of them goes onto challenge for a championship, but the other gets one handed to her.”
There is an exasperated sigh followed by Alicia throwing her hands in the air. A shake of her head, it’s hot coming from her lips. She chuckles to herself before turning back towards the camera pointing her finger with an arrogant smirk
”Now, I don’t want you people to get confused into thinking that I don’t think people should get championship matches. I just want people to earn that. Now, a match against me would definitely go far in earning something. But the problem is that if I win, I get added to the match. Kiera doesn’t need to worry because if she loses she still has her opportunity. She won’t be taken away from her.”
“But this match isn’t just about me getting an opportunity by earning it and showing Kiera that she needs to earn it to. No that’s not all. There is this myth that she is better than me. This myth that Kiera, in one on one matches just for some reason has my number. This myth needs to end.”
“Because, The fact that she has beaten me twice one on one makes me sick to my stomach. And normally I can absolutely respect it. I can respect those who have gotten in that ring with me and shown that they are better. I respect Amber Ryan, I respect Dani Weston, I respect those who could get in the ring and go to war with me and prove that on that night they would be better. But the problem I have is that Kiera Fisher-Johnson is not better than me.”
“She never has been.”
“Yet there is all this evidence to the contrary. And it is very slowly driving me insane. Some might think that it is a weakness to admit that she’s in my head. That I sit there and obsess over this and it’s eating me alive from the inside out. And sure you can go right ahead and use that Kiera.. You can sit there and comment on it and you can act like everything I say and do is a slight towards you and I’m not going to lie some of it is”
She offers another shrug. Completely unfazed by this.
”The problem you have Kiera, Is that it just makes me more dangerous and more determined to destroy you. And you have also shown your hand. I know I’m in your head. See you showed me your hand for a second that you took offence to things that I was saying and straightaway went on social media to throw a tantrum about it and start talking about how I was never going to have another match with you. You ran from me, you hid from me, you complained and whined and cried like a fucking child.”
“Did Nate give you pointers?”
“I got angry and upset because you beat me when I knew I was the better woman on that night. I got angry and I wanted to face you again and instead of getting that opportunity right then and there, you ran like a bitch. Some hero. But now, you don’t have a choice. Because you do not call the shots, you are not in charge and you, well, you just don’t have a big enough name that allows you to call your own shots. Christian and Mark know who makes them money. And the name of that person is Alicia Lukas.”
“So get ready, get prepared. Cause when this is over Andrea Hernandez will have a bigger problem on her hands than you…”
