Under the Bridge
Wisdom of the Troll
The Troll: So, I bet you all think you got a good laugh at my expense, hm? No. I’m not talking about what Miles “Botox Buttocks” Kasey pulled when he went behind my back and invited my mom onto the Summer XXXTreme cruise, because that’s not it at all. I LOVE my mom and now, apparently, so does everyone else! That kind of worked against you, didn’t it Miles? You thought somehow, in some way, having my mom on board would be a detriment to me or an embarrassment, but it worked out for the best! Everyone loved my mom!”
*BANG! BANG!*Mom: GABRIEL! Did you just call me!?
The Troll pulls his headphones away for a brief moment and casts his eyes upward.The Troll: NO MA! I was just telling my peeps how everybody loved you on the ship!
Mom: Aw, that’s so sweet!
The Troll looks back into the web blog screen and is about to speak…Mom: GABRIEL!
He sighs and pulls his headphones away again.The Troll: What, Ma!?
Mom: Did that nice boy with the butt ever ask you out!? You know, the ones that invited me on the cruise WHEN MY OWN SON DIDN’T!
The Troll stares hard into the camera and exhales through his nose, mouthing ‘Thanks Miles!” before…The Troll: NO, Ma!
Mom: Aww! My poor baby is going through his first heartbreak! Momma’s here for you!
The Troll groans and runs a hand down his face before he looks into the camera to address his ‘peeps.’The Troll: Where was I? Oh, yes! The so-called humiliation Miles and certain others think they got at my expense, and all because of what happened when I stepped into the ring with a Living Legend like J2H. Well face facts, people! What else did you think was going to happen? NEWSFLASH! I
let J2H win! It was all part of the deal! You know how it is with that guy! He shows up when he’s clearly not wanted and only wrestles when there’s something in it for him, and ONLY against people he clearly won’t lose to! It’s called creative control, and J2H has it in spades! If we fought for real, do you actually think that scrawny kid would stand a chance against me?
The Troll scoffs.The Troll: Please! Everything about that punk is as fake as his Cracker Jack tattoos! And speaking of fake, that brings us to the poor slob who I’m stepping into the ring against this weekend, the next victim of … (RVD thumbs) The Troll! And that is “Bulldog” Bill Barnhart!
The Troll: Oh look! There’s the geriatric dear right now, resting up. He takes a lot of naps, you know. It takes a lot of energy to walk allll that way down the aisle and then he has to climb those steps and get into the ring without breaking a hip or hyper extending his joints lifting his leg that high to even get through the ropes. So, aside from Bill Barnhart being set up for the ultimate humiliation and falling in yet ANOTHER defeat, let me fill you in on a little secret about the famous ring veteran.
The Troll beckons us closer with a wave of his finger.The Troll: Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, about “Bulldog” Bill Barnhart is one hundred percent fake! … Well, maybe that isn’t so much of a secret, because anybody who has watched his promos or seen his matches knows this for a fact. I mean, just LOOK at the man! Bill Barnhart would have us believe that he is a man in his thirties!? What, does he think that we don’t even have eyes? Are we headless or something and he thinks we can’t see the man for what he is!? This is a guy that sang at Betty White’s sixteenth birthday for crying out loud! A ring veteran who hit his peak in the 1930s! The man, I admit, was a Hall of Famer and a former champion many times over. We know because he takes every opportunity to remind us every chance he gets. But here’s something he forgets in his advanced years…
THAT WAS OVER TEN YEARS AGO!!!
I mean, seriously! How long is this joke going to rest on his laurels before even he understands his best years were probably when he was in diapers! Oh, wait… at his age he’s probably back in them so nix that train of thought. Fake. That’s all he is. Fake age, and apparently a fake friend. Am I the only one who realized he didn’t even CARE about what happened to his so-called (air quotes) ‘friend’ Senor Vinnie at Summer XXXTreme at the hands of that Bible Thumping Basket Case David Shepherd? Vinnie’s career is OVER because of David and all Barnhart is acting like it was just another match.
He shrugs.The Troll: No big deal, am I right? Bulldog will just sweep it under the rug and find someone else to ride the coattails of and leech off of their popularity. Luke he does with Bea. I mean, we all see THAT relationship for what it is!
The Troll cups a hand over his mouth and stage whispers.The Troll: That’s a trophy wife situation if I ever saw one. It’s just a shame that Bea is more of a man than Bill is. On average she does more talking about his opposition in his promos than what he does. It makes me wonder what she’s going to have to say about yours truly. But sorry to disappoint Bea, but my heart is spoken for. Which brings me to my final point to make. Last but not least, I want to dedicate this win, my ultimate victory over an aging Bill Barnhart, to my boo, Bobbie Dahl. The future Missus...
*BANG! BANG!*Mom: GABRIEL!
The Troll: WHAT Ma!?
Mom: Is skinless chicken and salad alright for dinner!?
The Troll frowns and stares up at the ceiling.The Troll: What’s with the rabbit food, Mom!?
Mom: I had a doctor’s appointment this morning and he said according to my weight I should be seven foot, one!
The Troll starts to say something, then freezes and stares up at the ceiling again….[/font]
