Session Three: The first time.
”Why are you resisting?”
Alicia sighed heavily and shook her head. It was hard to go there, to remember and to let herself fall into these moments.
The memories were fading in as she closed her eyes. The smells came in, the sounds, the shapes behind her eyelids. Alicia felt herself going back to that moment, and as much as she didn’t want to the ticking of the metronome was hypnotic. She was back there, but not in her own mind, it was like watching a play. Scenes from a memory. She was back there, in Georgia. The summer heat hit her face and the sun made her long hair shine a golden glow.
Her hand reached out, touching the long grass in the field on Ronalds fathers plantation.
It was all so real, so vivid. But again, it was like Alicia was watching it from outside her own body. She looked so young and innocent. Her face was full, her hair was tied back with a ribbon, she wore a long dress and stepped lightly along the ground. Someone ran up behind her, his arm whipped around her hip pulling her against him. It was Ronnie.Alicia giggled and smiled. She was happy to see him, be near him. She was young and far too trusting. Alicia grew angry and for a moment snapped out of her daze.
Her hand was digging into the leather couch. Her eyes stayed shut tight. And as quickly as she jumped out she was back in. ”Ronnie stop.” She giggled again, naive child.
Ronnie laughed and he pulled her closer kissing her cheek. They had been together for a few months. Still a year or so till they were both legally allowed to get married. They were both seventeen, both of them had fallen for one another since their arranged meeting. Alicia’s mother had been a delight since she realised Alicia had liked the boy and they got along. In fact Alicia had never seen her mother that happy.”Come on Vi….”
He was being playful, at the time Alicia loved it, she enjoyed being with him, having his attention. He was tall, rich and handsome. But Alicia of today, well, her skin was crawling. ”Come on with what? Mr Andrews what are you trying to get?” She laughed and stepped away from him, turning away and lifting her finger to her lip biting the tip of her nail. She thought she was being cute. But here it comes…
His hand shot down to her wrist, his grip was strong, he squeezed and pulled her backwards. She almost fell, her shoulder burned with pain as if he had pulled it out of the coket. She winced and looked up at him, the small protest becoming a whimper as Ronald shook his head. ”What the hell is your problem? Your mother told you to make me happy didn’t she? Thats what this arrangement is..” He trailed off, his eyes were no longer kind. Instead they burned with irrational anger.
Alicia stuttered. ”That hurts..please let g-“
SLAP
Her eyes opened, her nostrils flared. Dr Whitlow was silence, her hands sitting on her notepad. Her hands clasped together with a pen poking out from between her knuckles. Her face was different. As if the weight of Alicia’s past and her story was starting to become clear for the professional therapist. There was a lingering silence that seemed to hit Alicia. She sat up, stone faced except for her flared nostrils and the fire and anger in her eyes. She turned her legs to the side and sat with her back to the good Doctor.
Whitlow cleared her throat and took a drink of water. ”That was the first time you saw that level of aggression from him?
Alicia couldn’t help but laugh under her breath with a small nod. ”Yeah, the first but not the last. She got to her feet, this time licia didn’t feel like crying, she was just numb. All the light in her life seemed to leave for a few moments as all she felt was anger. And guilt. She reached up and tied her hair back before adjusting her jeans and folding her arms over her chest.
Dr Whitlow turned and put her notepad down. ”Violet, why didn’t you tell your mother?” Alicia took a sharp inhale, she held the breath there and pushed it out hard throwing her hands in the air, turning and sitting back down on the end of the couch, Dr Whitlow narrowed her eyes and studied her for a moment before they opened wide. ”Oh!...you did.”
Alicia scoffed and smiled awkwardly raising her eyebrows and nodding. ”Yeah. And her exact words?” She paused, Dr Whitlow leaned forward. ”I’m sure he didn’t mean it, he’ll apologise…” She laughed again, this time it was loud and almost boisterous. She held her ribs and then coughed before her lip quivered, the sadness washed over her, replacing the anger she had previously felt. The anger that had consumed her and made her both numb and somewhat invulnerable. But that was now gone. That protection.
An outer barrier.
”How fucked up is that?. The fact I told my mother that a man I was with...hit me...and she did nothing.” Her face twitched, her voice cracked and broke as the floodgates holding back the tears suddenly ruptured. Her hands slowly balled up and she could feel her fingernails dig into her palms. ”And the worst part? She was right. He did apologise….” She trailed off and swallowed hard. ”The first ten or twenty times...after that, well he figured why bother?”
She swallowed hard again and took a sharp breath in through her nose. She stood back up grabbing her bag. Dr Whitlow stood up in front of her, she smiled warmly and reached down taking her hand. ”These sessions, talks, whatever you think of them as are here for you to relive these moments, then go out there and see how your life has changed.” She squeezed her hand and then let go. ”How you have changed.And how much stronger you are. Now, get back to your wonderful family.” Alicia laughed and nodded slowly, Dr Whitlow was right. And it was time she got back to her boys…
Circle with me
”Amazing how some terms are overused isn’t it?”
Alicia Lukas scoffed, her long hair flowing down in front of her face as she sneered and tilted her head sideways narrowing her bright blue eyes. A black and red baseball cap over her head as she sat back weaning a black, worn denim jacket and a white Led Zeppelin band shirt and black jeans.
”Since I walked into this company I have been the best. And for the longest time I leaned into that fact. But you know, it’s really sad when you’re made to feel guilty about how doo you are and about your accomplishments all because people are made uneasy or are made to feel inadequate and insecure. Oh no Alicia don’t point out how good you are, don’t remind people how much you’ve beaten them. That's mean, that’s rude and you’re being a bitch.”
“Don’t bring up your records or awards or title reigns. Cause then you’re just “living in the past”. Don’t hold onto a championship for any length of time, then you’re holding it hostage.”
“You know, one of the things I have always taken pride in is telling you people how it is. I have always been honest. I told you all I was one of the best, I told you all I was championship material and I told you all that it was going to take something especially brutal to take that title off me the second time I had it. And did I lie? Was I untruthful? I told you all I respected Dani Weston, Evie Jordan and Seleana Zdunich. And I still do. I respect Amber Ryan and what she has done in her short time in Sin city wrestling. All of that is well and good, people hear that and nod along, but the second I say something they don’t like, no matter how true it is I get treated like public enemy number one.”
“You want an example? Ok, let’s give you all an example.”
She sits forward, her eyes burning as she sneers and shakes her head. Her elbows balancing on her knees as she growls.
”Two actually. Both involve members of the same family. Keira and Roxi. Roxi was a respected legend in wrestling and sin city. I wanted her back in this company and I wanted to defend the title against her because I felt like she had earned the shot by simply being one of the best, consistent and most respectful women in professional wrestling. She didn’t say no, she didn’t have a problem with taking that shot and why should she? But she has had a problem with me, my title reign and what I’ve been able to accomplish. The second I beat her and defended my title against her she changed her tune.”
“No longer did she respect me, no longer was she impressed with my title reign. Now I was holding the title hostage, now I was a menace. But you all still consider her a legend and you all kiss her aging saggy ass.”
“Then there’s Keira. Someone I never initially had a problem with until she really started hounding every champion for a title shot. Every failure seemed to make her more determined and I supported that. I told her I wanted her to become the champion because I figured she would defend it and make a real run with it. She beat me and I told her to do something with it. I told her the ball was hers now and she shouldn’t drop it. Then what happened huh? What happened with the other half of the legendary team hero?”
“She fumbled the fucking ball.”
“And all I did was remind you all what I said, and suddenly I’m the fucking bad guy. Because I happen to think the term legend is overused and relied on to make people seem like bigger deals than they are. Roxi is not a legend. Keira is not a legend. And Zuri fucking Chastain is not a legend.”
She pauses and clears her throat before pushing up to her feet pacing back and forth.
”One on one this year I am undefeated. Do you know what that means Zuri?. Aside from meaning you are royally fucked? It means the only times I lose are when I’m having to watch my back against multiple people or I am forced to team with people. I beat a former Bombshells champion last week and have been on a tear against most people. But, as we reach Climax Control 300, a celebration of this company and what we’ve been able to accomplish, am I in a high profile match? Am I facing a rival from the past like Dani or Evie? Am I renewing a feud with the Zdunich-Hilton family? No.”
“Am I facing Amber Ryan in that dream match that everyone seems to be creaming their jorts over? No.”
“Or what about Mikah? The woman with the longest single reign as Bombshells champion against the woman with the longest total reign? Huh? Nah, of course not.”
“All because some masked relic from the past wants a grand send off. And why Zuri? Am I supposed to be honored? Am I supposed to be impressed by you? Someone whose claim to fame is a bunch of titles from dead companies, being a member of a shitty faction like the “Boss Ladies” and getting her ass kicked around the company by Mercedes Vargas for three years? Seem that is the biggest issue I have with this Zuri.”
Alicia holds out her hands and sneers.
”You are being referred to as a legend And you’re not. In SCW you did nothing of note. NOTHING. And now you come waltzing back into my fucking company looking to have a final match in SCW and you wanted the best of the best. Well, you got me bitch. And the best of the best didn’t want you. But, because I’m such a sweetheart I’m going to do you a solid.”
“Great warriors of the past only wanted to go out one way. Going down in battle. So, Zuri, you are going to get in the ring with a three time Bombshells champion, one of the best of the best and someone who is a scary human being. And I’m going to send you out on your goddamn shield.”
I held the power of a dying sun.
I climb the alter.
And I claim my place as god
