-SUPERHERO-
“Sure as the bird will fly...
I'll be standing by your side.
On and on and on and on...
...I will be your superhero!
And if you're lost in the cold dark night...
...I will be your guiding light!
On and on and on and on…”
...I will be your Superhero.
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(Lights kick out...there’s no one there…)
*SNAP!*(Suddenly a single spotlight shines down in the middle of the room where “The Iceman” Levi Russow sits playing a piano.)
The Iceman Levi Russow:: Hi, friends. Oops! Some of you may not know me...oh who am I kidding, of COURSE you do!
(There’s suddenly a smattering of boos as Levi snaps…)
The Iceman Levi Russow::: HEEL FOR LIFE, YOU BOUGHT THE TICKET!!!
(Levi regains his composure and starts playing a lovely melody that I can’t describe to you through words so just hush...and the first pretty song that comes to your head? That. We’re gonna do THAT.)
The Iceman Levi Russow:: Regardless...I’m here tonight to let you all know that you are about to receive... a gift. Too long you’ve tweeted for it...too long have we hidden it away...but we can’t do that anymore. Because 2020 SUCKED BALLS!
“SORTA LANGUAGE!”The Iceman Levi Russow:: APOLOGIES! But it did! And so there was only...one...answer.
(Levi dramatically snaps his fingers and on a spinning lazy Susan in the background stands the HULKING frame of a Slappy McGoo in a shape like we’ve never seen him before.)
Slappy McGoo: ...Hullo!
The Iceman Levi Russow:: Slap...Slapster...Slapmaster General...Herbert Whipplebottom the IV-
Slappy McGoo: MR. LEVI YOU PROMISED!
The Iceman Levi Russow:: I KNOW! I KNOW! That was the last time!...Herbe-
(Suddenly a chair comes crashing past Levi’s head as he slams his hands on the piano.)
The Iceman Levi Russow:: THAT’S IT! It’s time you were told. Slap...I know you’re stoked on being in this Blast For The Past
tournament...but I’m...I’m not makin’ the ride with you this time, kiddo.
Slappy McGoo: ...WUT!?
The Iceman Levi Russow:: Slap I can’t make you a bigger star than you already are...I KNOW you’ve followed your Twitter the past couple years…
Slappy McGoo: I reckon…
The Iceman Levi Russow:: It’s time you branched out, Big Dog. BUT! Never you fret! You won’t be alone...I figure with THIS place and its history? They might recognize someone else...a little better.
(Suddenly the door swings open and Jack Russow comes swaggering through looking over his aviators, rolling a toothpick in his mouth, popping the collar on his weird ass leather jacket that only has one sleeve. Y’know...the basics. Everything seems to be moving in slow motion as we cut back to Levi and Slappy who are in regular time as we just see Jack moving in slow motion for no reason.)
Slappy McGoo: ...is he...is he gonna do that the WHOLE tim-
Jack Russow: SCW has a disease...we’re the cure!
Slappy McGoo: ...you watched Cobra aga-
Jack Russow: -I watched Cobra again…
Slappy McGoo: ...Mr. Jack.
Jack Russow: Yeah Slap?
Slappy McGoo: ...don’t uhm...don’t lemme make a fool of muhself, mmkay?
(Jack walks over and puts his hands on Slappy’s shoulders.)
Jack Russow: Slap. You are one of the single strongest, most bad-butted-
Slappy McGoo: -Thank You.-
Jack Russow: -Welcome. Big men on the PLANET! You could probably BREAK a planet! We’ll call you Thanos!
(The aura in the room suddenly changes as the mood on Slappy McGoo’s face changes VERY drastically...almost to the point of his infamous snapping rage. He stomps towards a retreating Jack before pinning both Jack AND Levi up against the bookcase in the illuminated study of Russow Manor...everything is immensely tense for a moment as Slappy leans down reminiscent of the scene from Alien where the Xenomorph is hissing in Ridley’s ear and she’s all crying and...you get the point. Slappy absolutely snarls.)
Slappy McGoo: I. Don’t. Like. BULLIES!!!
(And as he screams bullies he just grabs the entire bookcase as Levi and Jack roll out of the way just in time to miss the hurtling, rolling mass of wood that’s just been chucked about ten feet.)
Jack Russow: WOAH!
The Iceman Levi Russow:: We’re gonna get sued for copyright but it’s on SCW’s dime so...fuck it, s’worth a shot. HEY BIG GUY! Sun’s gettin’ real low!
Jack Russow: ...really?
(It works though. It works because of the sheer stupidity of Levi TRYING to calm Slappy down like the Hulk from the Avengers movie WE ALL FORGET ABOUT that makes even Slappy snap back to reality with a pained look of confusion on his face at his boss.)
Jack Russow: And on THAT note...c’mon Big Dude. I got all your papers and everything all lined out. You’ll get to meet your partner when you get there...but I should warn you…
“OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH EEEEEEEEEEEEMMMMMMM JEEEEEEEEPERS!!!!!”Slappy McGoo: No.
(The scene opens in the bustling backstage of SCW as people are starting to take notice of the giant mound of humanity military pressing himself as tight against the inner wall of an office, wide-eyed and concerned. Jack Russow stands nearby with his hands out trying to explain to Slappy.)
Jack Russow: Slap...listen to me…
Slappy McGoo: Oh...no...no no...thank you though.
Jack Russow: It’s NOT Candy, it’s a friend of hers! And from what we hear? She’s REALLY good so you got a chance to win this thing Big Fella!
Candy: *from down the hall (WITH PERMISSION FROM JULIE)* OMG I WAS SO HOPING THAT LIKE, SLAPPY WAS GONNA BE *MY* PARTNER WHEN I HEARD HE WAS COMING BACK BUT OOOOOOOH KEIRA!!!!! I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOOOOOOU!
Slappy McGoo: Much...lovely girl...BIT much.
Jack Russow: I’m aware. But listen up bud, you gotta get your head in the game...this is where it all starts! Let’s GO!
Slappy McGoo: Oh! Oh my!
(Jack pushes Slappy out into the hallway in full view...and that’s when he’s seen by people that remember him from his first small run in SCW...and the smattering of buzz doesn’t get any better when a former SCW Roulette Champion, a flash-in-the-pan snot nosed kid that made history steps out to guide him! All of a sudden...a small round of applause starts. Slappy...freezes...as he looks around and recognizes some of the medical staff that had helped him after his knee and some of the jobbers and undercarders show their respect. Slappy starts breathing super intensely as he gives the most pitiful nervous smile and tiny little laugh as people start to surround him.)
Slappy McGoo: Oh! Oh hullo! Yes...uh huh! Oh gosh! Umm...Uhh...If I could just...JAAAAAACK!
(Suddenly like a Heavenly-lit linebacker Jack Russow puts his head down and barrels Slappy out of the middle of the group as he pushes him towards Candy and Keira taking a couple deep breaths as an ear shattering shriek bursts out and we see Candy in Slappy’s arms like the little kitten clinging to the bulldogs face in that one Looney Tunes. You know the one. Jack is handling the mass of humanity with questions in the background as Slappy finally peels Candy off of him as he stands in front of Keira for the first time hyperventilating.)
Slappy McGoo: H-Hullo...I-I’m Slappy...you can...you can call me Slappy...or Slap...Slapster...really anything you can think of! Oh God I’m rambling…
(He’s probably getting VERY weird expressions right now what with the towering mass of subliminal unbridled rage standing like a kid in front of the principal and the principal just told him he was gonna call his ma...I am CRUSHING it with these segues.)
Slappy McGoo: UHH...UHH...D-I ALSO LIKE SUPERHEROES AND STUFF AND GLITTER DOESN’T BOTHER ME THAT BAD EITHER AND DON’T EVEN WORRY ABOUT BEING A LESBIAN, I’VE HAD ANOTHER TAG PARTNER THAT WAS AN IMMIGRANT TOO! BUT I’M REAL EXCITED TO BE YOUR PARTNER AND I CAN’T CONTROL THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE CAUSE I’M REALLY REALLY BAD IN SOCIAL SITUATIONS AND I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE LIKE ALL TEAM HERO AND THAT’S AWESOME BUT LAST TIME I WAS HERE I MADE JACKETS SO...HERE. YOU CAN WEAR IT OR PUT IT ON A WET SEAT TO KEEP YOUR BOTTOM DRY OR REALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT WITH IT, IUNNO, PLEASE DON’T HATE IT, MMKAY BYE!!!
(And with that, Slappy hits a DEAD SPRINT down the hallway crashing out into the loading dock. He’s doubled over hyperventilating against one of the show trucks when out of nowhere...a hand reaches in and hands him his inhaler. He looks up to see...his wife. Jami Burnett. The smark fans pop from not having seen her in over a year. Slappy instantly looks like he might cry as she cups his massive face with her tiny little hand and leads the other to his mouth so he can inhale his medicine.)
Slappy McGoo: James I gotta tells ya...I thought I could handle all this bein’ back stuff but it’s really, really hard! How do y’all do it so well!?
Jami Burnett: Well my sister and I pulled it off because we hate people...Jack, Bella, Malachi, and Alanah are all doing it cause they have something to prove...Levi did it because they grew up unwanted and...at his peak, he was Levi FUCKING Russow...it was like a drug to him. And he hooked his brothers on it, his nieces and nephews on it, YOU.
Slappy McGoo: Oh he didn’t hook me on to nothin’! That umm...that was dad’s fault…
(Slappy’s head suddenly drops as Jami takes his hands in her and presses her forehead to his massive framed forehead.)
Jami Burnett: ...Herbie I know...your dad would be SO proud of you!
Slappy McGoo: Fer what? I crashed and burned last time…
Jami Burnett: You got a legitimate injury in a LADDER MATCH! I THINK you’re cleared here, cowboy.
Slappy McGoo: Yeah but...I ran.
Jami Burnett: Yeah well, you rock too.
*crickets*
Jami Burnett: Toooough friggin’ crowd, man!
Slappy McGoo: Aww naw baby it’s coo, they just ain’t seen me do what I do what I do…
Jami Burnett: ...what the HELL did you just say?
Slappy McGoo: Cause it was like...I was talkin’ like...nevermind.
Jami Burnett: Slap you need to focus. Why...are you here?
Slappy McGoo: Well I thought it’d be kinda fu-
Jami Burnett: WHY...are you HERE?
Slappy McGoo: We could always use a little extra mone-
Jami Burnett: WHY. ARE. YOU. HERE!?!?!?
Slappy McGoo: I DON’T LIKE BULLIES, ARE YA HAPPY? CREPES IN ITALY!!!
Jami Burnett: Honey…
Slappy McGoo: Yes?
(She walks back up and takes his hand kissing it before smiling warmly at him.)
Jami Burnett: That’s enough playing around...it’s time. This company is full of nothing but backstabbing bullies. So many people wanna take advantage of the size of your heart. DON’T!
Slappy McGoo: I’m just in a tough place, babe! I’m fightin’ my tag partners WIFE!!!
Jami Burnett: ...Granted...That’s gonna complicate things come Christmas Card time but this is what you worked...SO HARD for! LOOK at you! Have you SEEN yourself!? Put triplets in me!
(Slappy can’t help but laugh as he gives Jami a kiss nodding his head and walking out to find a camera and a microphone. Out of nowhere a tattered Jack Russow comes powersliding into frame, aviators crooked...jacket disheveled...eyes wide.)
Jack Russow: I’M HERE! I’m here! I got your promo!
Slappy McGoo: ...we’re uhm...we ain’t gonna do that this time, kiddo.
Jack Russow: ...say who did what now?
Slappy McGoo: ...I came back for a reason...I should be the one ta let tha people know.
Jack Russow: ...but...I came to be the promo guy...you’re SURE?
Slappy McGoo: ...I got this. Just...be the hype man or whatever.
(Jack does his special handshake with Slappy who basically raised him cause God knows how the Russow Family operates as he steps offscreen...Slappy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a silver ball bearing. It’s quite clearly a pinball.)
Slappy McGoo: I hate ta put tha limits o’ love to tha test like this...an’ I’m awful honored ta be Ms. Keira’s partner...an’ I know the Main Event is a big deal...and it’s cause o’ you two annit SHOULD be, ya know! I”m just...I’m real honored ta be a part of it all.
Jack Russow: BUT THAT SAID…
(Slappy suddenly turns back into what can only be described as the aura of an oncoming natural disaster as EVERYONE suddenly gets drastically uncomfortable.)
Slappy McGoo: Y’know my Daddy...he raised me up in the old arcades. Worked like a dog every day until he could afford ta open his own. But see ma Daddy was a silly kinda man. ‘Cause there was only one game for him…
(Slappy rolls the pinball in his fingers as he turns and sits on the edge of a truck bed that instantly just...drops.)
Slappy McGoo: ...I miss my daddy. Time goes on...maybe I tell you a lil’ more ‘bout him. But I got no time for that right now...see I been watchin’ ya...SCW...SCU...them G.R.I.M.E weirdos! YOU guys gotta bad case o’ tough guys that like ta pick on people half their size! You gotta company o’ bimbos that stand before God himself and bully YOU into saying “Yes! Yes! You’re the best! Take our shiny belts!” WELL I AIN’T NEVER HAD A SHINY BELT!!!
(Slappy fixates on the ball rotating between his fingers.)
Slappy McGoo: Everyone was so excited to see me…’cause they thought “here comes that goof...that oaf...that boob! “Oh it’s Mr. Slap...Nice...Slapnicesir Slap...sir.” I know you’re just waitin’ for me ta mess somethin’ up! An’ that’s FINE! YOU WANNA BULLY SOMEONE, YA COME BULLY ME!!! Ion’t wanna hurt Roxi Johnson...I AIN’T gonna hurt Roxi Johnson...but Cassian Reed? You gossa REAL attitude problem, son! The drinkin’ and the partyin’ and the whorin’...the disrespect ya blatantly show for each and every one of these co-workers who SHOULD have your RESPECT! But don’t you worry...see, ‘cause while I ain’t so ready to jump in the middle o’ family warfare? That just means I got all the time in the world to straighten you like
a piece of rusted rebar! My therapist said...said I got a lotta BAD I hold onto...that’s why I used to SNNNNNAP! Remember!? But it’s okay…*laughing* it’s...it’s okay! I gots a hold of it now! And now that I do and I can control who I target?
Jack Russow: Dude...cue the Anberlin, this was over before it ever began!
Slappy McGoo: See cause I had a dream the other night! And it was my FATHER! And he was tellin’ me how he was THERE...how PROUD he was! My weddin’! Tha birth o’ ma daughter! Openin’ the Silver Ball! But he told me...he said “son...the only thing I ever heard you talk about in your life...was bein’ a pro wrasslin’ champion. What happened?” I said “Daddy, I blew out ma knee! They almost replaced it!” an’ he said “...yeah? Ya got TWO of ‘em don’tcha!?” and I said “Daddy that ain’t how it works!” and he took my hand...and he looked me in the eyes and he said “I can’t rest...until I’ve seen you...HAPPY, Slappy. You wear so much on your shoulders...so much strain on that colossal cranium of yours. Son...Ion’t want’cha to do this for ME...I want’cha ta do it for YOU!”
(Slappy flicks the ball up in the air and catches it. Suddenly popping up behind Jack scaring the crap out of him screaming the new trigger words as loud as she could...)
Jami Burnett: [size=118]CHANTICLEER YOU GOTTA CROW, AND YA GOTTA CROW *NOW*!!!![/size][/b]
(As soon as Slappy catches the ball? He double hammer fists the truck COLLAPSING the side of it with a dent big enough for Jami to climb up and sit in...which of course she does because, weird. Slappy turns around looking like an absolutely heaving, savage mercenary.)
Slappy McGoo: ...Round One...FIGHT!!!
(With that, Slappy slides on HIS jacket he had made as Jack and Jami roll their eyes and slide on THEIR jackets that on the back, in TERRIBLE embroidering, we see “#SuperGummyBearMafia on the backs of them as they pile back into the arena.)
“I will never lay down...Until I see this through.I will fight, I will battle......Decimating all at will.THOSE WHO STAND TO OPPOSE...THE LOVE I FEEL FOR YOU!!!I WILL FIGHT, I WILL BATTLE......FOR A BETTER LIFE FOR YOU!!!”I WILL BE YOUR SUPERHERO!!!!!!!
