September 24, 2020
Nobody said that escaping the darkness was going to be easy. There was a part of me that felt guilty, feeling like I was being harsh toward Samantha Marlowe in my previous promo. But my heart was in the right place and that fact alone was enough to suppress that guilt. Besides, I knew that when I was in that same darkness that Sam finds herself in these days, that it was incredibly difficult for me since it took so many years of trial and error, so many burned bridges and even hours of empowerment therapy at one point for me to finally get out of the darkness that had been weighing me down for so long.
Becoming the wrestler that I am from a psychological standpoint was a much harder, much longer journey than becoming the wrestler that I am from an accolades standpoint and I was thinking heavily about Sam when I stepped into a training wrestling ring in a gym that was five minutes walking distance from the Saxon hotel. I had just put down my stuff and I leaned against the corner, reflecting on my challenger, feeling whatever pain she may have been going through this entire year. My sympathies were with her, but that familiar fire was burning through me knowing that on Sunday, I had one job to do and that was to defeat her and remain the Internet Champion. I heard my phone buzz and I promptly picked it up from the corner. It was a message from Jason, my boyfriend. I opened it and I found myself disappointed.
“Sorry. I can’t make it today” he wrote me in a text. I merely rolled my eyes and put the phone back down as a result of having another reason to be annoyed at him lately considering his harsh, brutal stance and feelings about Sam. I wasn’t fretting about not having someone to train with as I had eyed the punching bags in the distance. But before I could make that move, I heard a familiar voice call to me…
“Hey…” I heard the voice of Andrea Hernandez say. I looked toward her as she entered. I was stunned to see that she had given herself a makeover but what surprised me more was a glum look of guilt on her face. She looked like she was ready to put in some training too.
“Hey…” I said back as she entered the ring.
“Myra, I just wanted to say I’m sorry…” she said with regret in her voice. “I should’ve never told you to not talk to me again and I should’ve never blown you off on TV…”
“Andrea, I get it…” I said, not being bothered at all. “...you were going through plenty. But, I bet you’re feeling better after beating Keira and this… makeover of yours… which is great by the way…”
“Thanks…” Andrea said with a smile. “...I know I’ve been acting out lately and I feel terrible about it… you were only trying to help me not go down the same path you did and I should’ve been better about it. I just… I can’t handle feedback for some reason…”
“We all go through it…” I reminded my protege.
“Are you okay?” Andrea asked me, realizing I was annoyed.
“I’m fine. It’s just Jay cancelled on me at the last minute. I was supposed to kick his ass…” I said with a laugh. “
“Hey, why don’t I train with you?” Andrea asked me. “I’ve always wanted that opportunity but… being what you were in GCW at the time… you never gave it to me.”
“You know… I don’t see why not…” I told Andrea. “Let’s do it.”
We both walked to the center of the ring and we locked up. Fighting against Andrea, even in a training scenario, I can feel her fire and her passion. She was giving me everything she had. But as this practice match went on, I was countering more and more of her high flying strikes and instead of adjusting, Andrea got frustrated and angry and she kept trying to force an offense that I knew all too well. Hurricanranas were reversed into powerbombs, moonsaults were blocked, lariats were countered into armdrags and it was just one of those moments where I was on point. I noticed that the more I countered Andrea’s offense, the angrier she got. When I ducked a spinning heel kick and subsequently countered with a Spirit Breaker, Andrea let out a burst of anger in the form of a frustrated grunt. I went to help her up, but she shoved me away.
“WHY can’t I figure you out today? What the fuck is wrong with me?” Andrea said in frustration.
“It’s just training… don’t take it so damn hard…”
“Everything I throw at you, you have an answer for! You need to stop that…”
“Showing me up!”
Andrea sighed as she got up.
“I’m sorry… it’s just… I can’t take another reminder of how far I’ve fallen… how I’ve just become old news… how I can’t be happy anymore… how I’m nothing without my dad… how I’m just… going to let him down… how much of a flash in the pan I am…”
“Andrea… you need to stop…” I told her out of concern. “You need to quit beating yourself up. You’re just going to make things worse for yourself and one of two things are going to happen: you’re either going to lose all confidence in yourself or… you’re going to go down the same dark path that I did… hell… one might even directly feed into the other…”
“Why do you care so much?” she asked me.
“Let’s sit down…”
Andrea and I sat next to each other down near the corner, catching our breath.
“I know part of it is my fault…” I admitted to my protege “...but you’re far too good and far too strong to be beating yourself up so much… and that’s all you’ve been doing for months.”
“I know, I know… I’m reminding you of you…”
“More accurately, it’s like I’m facing Sam…” I paused as Andrea raised her eyebrows. “Now, I’m going to need you to listen to me for a while… okay? It’s finally time for that mentor-protege chat that’s years overdue. Do you know why I was what I was… when I was treating you like shit… when I told you that you wouldn’t amount to anything? It’s because I was in that phase where I would do nothing but beat myself up over the dumbest reasons. Losing a world title to an upstart? I was killing myself for losing to an opponent that I felt I should’ve beaten. Losing a match I dedicated to my unborn daughter and having the worst ending possible in PRW? I was beating myself up for letting someone I love down…”
“UWA…” Andrea reminded me, remembering that we had both gone through the same ringer in that hellhole.
“God yes…” I said. “Let me give you the full lowdown on that night in Seattle… when I beat myself up far too hard and never recovered from there…”
UWA was hosting their flagship show Olympus in Seattle on this very night. I was reigning as the UWA X-Limits Champion and I was both miserable and frustrated.
“None of this is right…” I had told my ex-husband Adrian as he stood with me in the locker room. “I understand that I have to defend my title on the biggest show of the year. But against RICKY OCTAVIUS? REALLY? They just HANDED HIM the fucking shot for NO REASON! He just comes back from injury and he waltzes in and gets an instant title shot? BULLSHIT! It’s not fair, Adrian…”
“It’s not… I agree…” my ex-husband states. “...but that’s UWA for you…”
“I’ve tried SO HARD to concentrate on walking out of here with the title and getting MY MOMENT in this fucking company for once… but this BULLSHIT… I swear… I know that the powers that be are trying SO HARD to make Ricky the next best thing because he’s SUCH a management favorite but this is ridiculous! He doesn’t deserve this! Give me one reason why I shouldn’t just walk out of here, drop the title on the boss’s desk and just get the fuck out of here? You know how much pain I’m in, Adrian… especially with this company. I don’t know how much longer I can last here… this company is doing everything it can to shatter me… I swear…”
“I’m going to give you two reasons, Myra…” Adrian stated. “...the first reason? You’re BETTER THAN HIM!”
“Of course…” I said in response.
“You’re more experienced than him. You’ve actually done more in UWA than him. You’ve beaten him a couple of times before, so you can definitely do it again. Is he good? Sure! But this is someone that you beat nine times out of ten. You’ve been a world champion and he’s never going to amount to that no matter how much UWA tries to force him down the throat. He’s lesser competition! They literally gave him the chance because there was nobody else and that’s it. And the second reason… isn’t it obvious? Kimberly…”
“Right…” I told him, remembering my daughter who at that point was about three and a half years old. “...the most important piece of my world! I’ve let her down so many times and this match is for her. Seeing her again for the first time in an eternity… god, that was such a motivator because it reminded me who I’m fighting for. You’re right! With those two reasons, there’s no way I can lose! As much of an injustice as this is… I know that I can right this damn injustice… I’ve done it time and time again… and I’m going to tell UWA to REALLY shove it up their ass…”
“That’s the Myra that I know…” my ex-husband said.
We parted ways and I went into that match feeling like I had it in the bag… only…
Two hours later…
“Myra… I’m so sorry…” my ex-husband said as I sat completely empty and devastated. Leaning against the lockers in the room, with no X-Limits Championship to show for it, I felt like I was nothing but a ghost. “...I know that the way this whole thing turned out wasn’t fair…”
I was hardly listening to my ex-husband at this point.
“But… you’re going to bounce back from this!”
“...no…” I said back to him, much to his shock and surprise. “There’s no way…”
“I haven’t won on a flagship show in six years… and that horrible streak continued tonight…” I said, my voice getting softer and sounding more defeated. “I dropped the ball… I fought someone that had just come back from injury, in a ladder match, less experienced than me, far inferior to me… someone that you said that I would beat 9 times out of 10… someone that I had even beaten a couple of times… it’s a match that I should’ve won… and I didn’t… I’m nothing… losing to someone like that...”
My ex-husband didn’t say a word.
“I’m never going to be the wrestler my mother was…” I said through my tears as I continued to beat myself down. “I’m always going to be the worst daughter ever… even worse… the worst MOTHER ever… I dedicate a match to my daughter… AGAIN… and I CAN’T WIN! I’m never going to get out of my mother’s shadow… I’m always going to be a fucking garbage mother… everything that my father ever said about me… he’s right…”
“Don’t you think you’re taking this too far?”
“I’m nothing… just like my father always thought I’d be… I’m just a screw up who can never win when it really counts. I’m over… my career is on its last legs… and I have nothing left. Every time I think I can’t get any more miserable in this fucking trash company… something ELSE has to go wrong to bury me further into the ground…”
“You can turn this around…” my ex tried in vain to say in encouragement.
“No… I can’t!”
“Get away from me…”
“GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!!” I screamed, completely surprising him and getting him to leave. I didn’t know it yet, but this was just the first domino to fall that would eventually lead to Adrian becoming my ex-husband, but most importantly in my own mind, there I was, in darkness. I felt like I was nothing more than a piece of trash at that point and with the way UWA treated me the entire time I was there, there was no reason for me to have any faith in myself at all. I spent the rest of the night in tears, feeling like I was nothing but a screw up that was always going to choke when it mattered the most.
“I will always be nothing…” I told myself, driving home my self-abuse even more. “Why can’t I EVER be anything in this business?”
Considering that I was gone from UWA a mere three months later, this event marked the time where I hated myself as a professional wrestler and myself as a person more than any time in my career before or since…
“Wow…” Andrea said, completely floored by the story that I just told her. I could see somewhat of a fear in her eyes, likely realizing the consequences of a self-defeatist attitude. “I had no idea you were that much of a wreck back then… and it scares me because that could’ve been me…”
“What happened in Seattle with UWA… it was just another chapter of the repetitive self-loathing that I was feeling…” I told Andrea. “Everything I felt that night… it’s all stuff that Sam’s gone through lately. Losing a championship to a lesser opponent, Candy in this case, that she’d normally beat 8 or 9 times out of 10? Check. Feeling like she let her family down as well as feeling like she’s going to stay in someone’s shadow? Felt it with my mother, felt like I let down my daughter… she’s going through the same thing considering she keeps harping about her sister. Feeling like it’s over and there’s nothing left… you read that letter, right?”
“I did…” Andrea admitted. “It was… you know… I’m just not going to comment on it. I can relate to her myself on the family thing… but… damn…”
“It was a pattern with me for years, Andrea…” I admitted to her. “The peaks and valleys… they’ve been extreme for most of my career. When I’m experiencing the peaks… oh my god, greatest feeling in the world. It’s like I’m the best wrestler in the world and I’m suddenly invincible. Everything is going right. I’m pulling off winning streaks and beating big names left and right as I have ever since that loss to Bobbie Dahl, I’m recognized as one of the best and a force to be reckoned with. But the valleys… oh no… those were miserable… suddenly, nothing can go right for me, I’m losing to wrestlers that I’m supposed to be beating, I’m always losing to the big names… and not only do I feel like I’m over the hill, everyone else says it too….
“Sounds a lot like Sam…” Andrea stated.
“That’s because this year? That’s BEEN her. I get it… when you’re on a high… you’re super confident, but that confidence goes away the moment you experience a setback and you’re back to feeling sorry for yourself. You went through it too… your win over Candy… and then the battle royal. It’s hard, Andrea… the journey that I’ve been through… all the hurdles I’ve had to overcome to become what I am. When you add the training, the Indies, my injury spells and my maternity retirement to the career that I’ve had… mainstream since 2008 and all… then what you have is 18 years! It took me 18 years to FINALLY get this business. It took me so long to finally learn how to stop beating myself up over shortcomings. I don’t want you to take that long Andrea… not even HALF as long… and I’m going to do whatever it takes to help you… to help Sam in any way I can… because I never want anyone to go through the same thing that I did. Overcoming my own insecurities and self-doubts is the best thing that ever happened to me…”
“How?” Andrea asked. “How were you able to do it? I know you better than anyone else on the roster and the one loss that you do have on your record… you know… to Bobbie… that SHOULD HAVE affected you! That should’ve broken you. You should’ve gone into that match with Amber Ryan a complete void and someone that was about to be blown out of the building… but you didn’t… how?”
“You better listen to this next part, Andrea…” I began, maintaining my stern, confident demeanor. “...because this is how YOU are going to get out of the darkness yourself… because this worked for me… and I know it’ll work for you too… let me tell you about that night… when I lost to Bobbie… and when I finally figured it all out…”
May 11, 2020 (the day after CC268)
Losing to Bobbie initially stung me. While I knew that it was only my second match in SCW, it wasn’t nearly enough for me to prevent that loss from getting to me.
“Everywhere I’ve been…” I told my sister Adrianna as we met back in Miami. “I’d always go on some sort of tear or some sort of streak right out of the gate. It didn’t happen here. Two matches in and I’m already a loser…”
“Sis… don’t even start…” Adrianna responded.
“I know that going to SCW at my age… it’s an uphill battle in and of itself. Yesterday, I really wanted to do something GOOD for the business by beating Bobbie. I really wanted to make it a good Mother’s Day too. But… I lost to the biggest piece of immature SHIT on the Bombshells roster and it’s… it’s embarrassing… maybe I’m biting off more than I can chew by joining this company at 35 going on 36… if I can’t beat someone like Bobbie… then who the hell am I capable of beating? I don’t want to be a Jessie Salco level perennial loser…”
“And you won’t be…” Adrianna said. “But for fuck’s sake sis… it’s ONE loss! It’s just your second match back after you were out of the ring for what? Three months? It was always going to take you some time to get your legs back… and this IS the toughest company you’ve ever wrestled in.”
“I know but…”
“But NOTHING…” Adrianna interjected. “If you’re beating yourself up for this, stop it! Just stop it! You have no reason to! I know that a loss stings and you have every right to be bummed about it, but this has been your problem your entire career. You suffer one setback and the sky is falling and that needs to STOP! You do it ALL THE TIME! If you can’t be better about setbacks for yourself, at least be better about setbacks for Kimberly’s sake because she needs a strong mother to teach her that you can always get up whenever you’re knocked down. You’re done feeling sorry for yourself over losing to Bobbie. I get that she’s horrible and that losing to her is a pride bruiser… but enough! Do you need me to go down the list of all the times you self-destructed over ONE set back?”
“You know… just do it! Name off as many as you can. Yeah, it hurts… it hurts like HELL to lose to someone like that and it’s discouraging considering this setback happened so early in the hardest journey of my career but I can’t help it. It’s a bad habit of mine and… that empowerment therapy that cousin Cindy runs has been extremely helpful… but… UGH! Bad habits are SO hard to break…”
“Then I’ll help you break that habit, Myra. Let me run down the list.
Losing the two world titles that you had in PRW… it broke you and put you in a big slump both times…
There was losing to your biggest rival ever when you decided to retire to be a mom… that made you hate yourself as a person and that made you put your career above your own daughter…
There was UWA… and EVERYTHING about UWA… that nearly drove you to the point of retirement….
There was Carnage Wrestling and all the shit that happened there… when you lost the Ultraviolent Championship the first time and you felt like you were completely worthless and that you were never going to be a world champion again… and then when you left after you lost it the second time and you didn’t think you had one more run in you…
Every single time… Myra… every single time… every loss… every setback, you have this horrible habit of beating yourself up and hating yourself and that needs to stop! You’re not worthless over one loss. SCW isn’t too big of a hill for you just because you lost to someone like THAT! You’ve had a better career than 90 percent of professional wrestlers that have ever wrestled in this business and that’s not good enough for you? You’re STILL trying to prove yourself to a father that died 11 years ago? You’re STILL trying to get out of your mom’s shadow and trying to prove that you can be just as good as she was when you’ve long surpassed her? You’re STILL not happy with yourself as a wrestler even with all you’ve done? 18 championships! 18! Do you know how many wrestlers don’t even survive long enough to even have 18 TITLE SHOTS?”
“Sis… you only just found out you were pregnant, I don’t want you to…”
“Am I right, or am I right?”
I took a moment to soak in every word that my sister had just said and it wasn’t long before that empowerment therapy paid off in a big way when I nodded my head and snapped out of my brief little funk that my loss to Bobbie had caused me.
“You’re right… I need to stop doing this to myself. I had a moment of weakness… and I’m sorry…”
“I’m not the one you need to apologize to. You want to apologize to someone, look in the mirror… look in the mirror, forgive, and let go… and start all over again. I know you’ve been through the ringer and through hell time and time again over your long career… but it’s time to move on and let go…”
Adrianna walked away from me and I was left shocked. I knew she was right and at this point, any opportunity to beat myself up over that loss to Bobbie had disappeared. For the following two days, I had plenty to think about… and two days later, I finally did the one thing that allowed me to escape the darkness of my own past…
May 13, 2020
“I’m sorry…” I said to myself in the mirror, feeling genuinely guilty. “I’m sorry for all the years that I psychologically beat you down over your shortcomings. I’m sorry that I haven’t appreciated you enough for everything you’ve been able to accomplish. I’m sorry for every single time I ever said that I should be done with this business and that we should just give up and not wrestle anymore. I’m sorry for all the bridges that have been burned because of all the times we’ve been broken down and beaten up and feeling sorry for ourselves. I want to move forward. I want Sin City Wrestling to be different. I don’t want to suffer anymore. What I want is an inner peace that I’ve never had before about this business. I also want you to know that I forgive you for all of your shortcomings.
I forgive you for all those times that you had lost a big match.
I forgive you for all those times that you failed in a big way.
Most importantly, I forgive you for that time in your career where you lost it all, took out your insecurities on everyone, became one of the most hated women in wrestling, betrayed every moral and value you were ever taught growing up and through your wrestling training. You are enough… and I want you to know that. I know that Sunday didn’t go as you wanted, but that’s okay. It was one stumble, it was one setback! You can overcome this! You WILL overcome this! From this point on, I vow to be so much nicer to you. I will never, ever beat you down or consider you worthless over a setback ever again!
It’s time that we start over on a clean slate and no longer allow the past to burden us. We can allow it to teach us… we can allow it to motivate us… but it will never burden us again! Let’s throw all those rocks in the ocean and have a clean basket…
Let’s start over…
Let’s do something special…
And let’s end the wrestling journey on the brightest note that we can…
After talking to myself in the mirror, I certainly felt empowered and it was at this point, that the loss to Bobbie was basically a faded memory that wasn’t sticking in my mind anymore. The darkness of my past was starting to fade away. It was at that moment when I realized that I had finally escaped the shadows that had burdened me for my whole career. Of course, I didn’t realize the subsequent effect it would have on my career, but ever since this moment where I cleaned the slate with myself and forgave myself for all of my shortcomings and for all of the times I ever beat myself up over the most daunting setbacks I ever faced, I’ve felt so much better about myself… and this burden being gone has certainly been a factor in regards to my success in SCW ever since…
September 24, 2020
“I’m blessed Andrea…” I told her as she seemed inspired by my story. “...there have been so many times where my career could’ve ended. I’m so blessed that after everything, I still get to do something that I love. I’m so lucky that through it all, I’m strong enough to pull through not just to get out of that darkness… but also to be at my very best… even now. Sometimes, I swear that I’m the luckiest wrestler in the world to even be doing this. You can overcome this too… I believe in you.”
“Why?” Andrea asked. “Why do you invest so much in trying to help me… to help Sam…?”
“I want to give back… simple as that. I want to keep you from going down the same path and I’m confident that I’ve been able to do that…”
“You have…” Andrea says. “I get it now! Thank you so much! I promise you and I swear on my dad’s grave that I will NEVER, EVER go down the same path.”
Andrea and I gave each other a brief embrace before she slid out of the ring. I reflected on my own journey after that for a little bit before I started to focus on Samantha Marlowe again. I realized that our journeys definitely were similar. Once I set up the camera near the punching bags, I realized even more how lucky I was that I was not only STILL wrestling, but doing so well. I realized how fortunate I was that I was no longer living in the dark… but at the same time… I also realized how much Sam was still living in it…
I turned on my camera and began to express my thoughts for Violent Conduct one more time…
“Sammy… you’ve probably heard the words that I’ve had to say by now. I hope that you’ve taken them well and that they help you in some way because in none of that, I ever meant to be harsh. I know I’ve said this to Kate in the past, but you do remind me so much of me… even more so than Kate did. In fact, if we met earlier in our lives, I have a feeling that we’d not only be the closest of friends, but gosh, maybe even surrogate sisters. That’s how much respect that I have for you and it hurts to see someone of your caliber suffer as much as she has. It felt like a punch in the gut when I read that letter that you wrote to Christina. Like I said before, I get it. But here’s a couple of questions that I want to pose to you, Sam. You’ve had an amazing career here in Sin City Wrestling. You’ve done more than most bombshells could ever dream of doing whenever you walk in the door. The first question that I have to ask you is, why do you have to beat yourself up so much? I get that valleys and slumps happen and I totally understand that there was that ‘Sam Marlowe is past your prime’ talk in the locker room when you went on that post-Candy fee fall. I get that all of that talk can get very grating backstage. You look at a bombshell like Bea Barnhart, for example. What’s her win-loss record? How many times has she gone in that ring and failed? How many opportunities has she had that she has blown? And yet… every single time she’s in that ring, she fights her heart out.
Every single time she cuts a promo, she’s cocky, she’s confident, and she’s got that ‘I’ve got this attitude’ no matter how many times that girl falls short.
You look at a bombshell like Mercedes Vargas. Do you realize how often she gets heat from the other women in the locker room? Gosh, you hear ‘Mercedes is past her prime’ over and over and over again and it’s basically GOSPEL at this point! Yeah, Mercedes has more losses in her career than she has wins… but she has a resume no matter how many people want to downplay it with their ‘what have you done for me lately’ mentality. No matter how many losses she racks up, Mercedes puts the camera on and she still acts like she’s the shit… you know why? Because SHE knows that nobody can take her resume away from her and that gives her confidence. Albeit… there’s the flipside of her just resting on her accomplishments and that’s not good… but you see what I mean?
It’s that attitude… minus the resting on the laurels, that you need to carry going forward.
‘Yeah, I’ve fallen on hard times, but I’m still Sam Marlowe, damn it!’
Again, I get it. I used to beat myself up ALL the time. Every time I suffered a big setback, I was always the one that was feeling like a worthless piece of shit because I TOLD MYSELF I was a worthless piece of shit. Nine years ago in PRW… when I was reigning as a tag team champion… I had won a match on PRW’s flagship show… but my match on the card wasn’t a semi-main event or a main event… it was an upper midcard match against a never was who wasted her potential and even though I WON… I beat myself up because I looked at where I was a year prior and I felt like I was declining. Seven years ago… when I lost to the biggest bitch I’ve ever met in my career on PRW’s last show… when I failed to become a world champion in dedication to my unborn daughter… everything that I had accomplished in PRW suddenly didn’t matter to me anymore and I flushed it down the toilet.
Three years ago… UWA… it didn’t matter to me that I had been a world champion in GCW just seven months prior to my departure. It didn’t matter that at that point, I had been a 15 time champion that had won 5 titles in 2 years since returning from maternity retirement… I flushed it down the river because I was beating myself up over the most miserable experience of my career. Just earlier this year with Carnage, it didn’t matter to me that I won 3 titles there, including 2 Ultraviolent titles, I was beating myself down and calling myself a piece of shit because I never won the world title there. I took ALL of my successes for granted over something that I never had… and it was STUPID of me… I was being so UNGRATEFUL! I was taking EVERYTHING I had for granted…
And Sammy… I know it wasn’t your heart’s intent… but when you wrote that letter to Christina, you did the same thing… not directly, not intentionally… and I’m damn sure not saying that to invalidate your feelings because you DID have a valid reason to feel the way you did… you took your whole career for granted. You weren’t seeing the big picture. Hard times happen, Sammy, but they shouldn’t break you. I know that when you expressed those feelings, you weren’t thinking of yourself as the wrestler that won the Roulette title 4 times and that ended Mikah’s dominance… you were thinking of yourself as the wrestler that lost her title to Candy and got pinned by her twice. Your biggest weakness as a professional wrestler is the same one that I once had: a lack of trust in oneself. For years, I wallowed in misery, feeling like a victim, because I didn’t love myself enough… because I didn’t trust myself enough… I’d always have mood swings of being high one night, feeling like I’m on top of the world, then feeling like a worthless piece of shit and wanting to retire the next night. You’ve done that recently, Sam. You came back, you racked up a few wins, and that confident, bubbly Sam Marlowe was back and it was a joy to see. You were riding a high wave and hell, I was happy for you because of what you had been through earlier in the year.
...and then Maki happened…
You face her, she beats you, you’re back to square one and seemingly all of that progress that you had made since coming back doesn’t seem to mean anything anymore. Your emotions swung from feeling like yourself again, to feeling like you were worthless and needed to retire… and all it took was ONE MATCH, ONE LOSS for you to feel that way and for you to be driven to write apology letters to your opponents. And that, Sam? That hurts me to see because you and I both know that you’re better than that. I TOTALLY get the idea of staying motivated and not being complacent and continuing to push yourself, but at the same time, you’re telling Maki a few weeks back that you have to beat her. You’re talking about how you have a strong desire to prove yourself. That one line right there… that right there tells the world that Sam Marlowe hasn’t proven herself… when she HAS! Look at your resume! Reflect on everything that you’ve done in this company! You HAVE proven yourself… and it’s not even close! Someone that has done as much as she has still feels like she needs to prove herself… to WHOM? Not to me! Not to many people in this locker room. I understand, Sammy… you need to prove yourself… to yourself… for all that you’ve done, you’re still stuck in a mindset that may go back to childhood of feeling like you’re not good enough for someone. For all that you’ve done, you’ve yet to learn how to fully trust and love yourself because if you DID fully trust and love yourself as a wrestler and as a person… you wouldn’t be feeling the need to prove yourself at all! You’d be going into this match, and any other match, with an ‘I’ve got this’ attitude… with the attitude of ‘I’m Sam fucking Marlowe and there ain’t an opponent, a match or a loss that’s going to tell me otherwise’.
If you really trusted and loved yourself enough… you wouldn’t be talking about your sister in just about every single promo. With that match against Maki, you’re talking about how you want to prove to your sister that you aren’t the choke artist she says you are. Why do you need to prove that to her? Why do you have to focus on her saying that you’re a choke artist and proving that wrong when time and time again, you’ve proven that you’re not? I even caught your vlog when you were going up against Daniela Rodgers and there you go again with your sister… mentioning that you were on a losing streak and mentioning that your sister would be saying that you should be contemplating retirement over a losing streak. I know that you entered this company and became part of this business to step out of her shadow… and from someone that’s the daughter of a wrestler in her own right I TOTALLY relate to that… and you’ve DONE that… you’re not only out of her shadow, but honey, you’re so far away from that shadow you’ve almost walked around the world on your own two feet from it. I get that she’s your sister and all, but WHY is she even RELEVANT? Why is it that her words… her thoughts… why do they matter? Why do you worry about what she thinks?
Right, it’s the lack of trust in oneself. If you did trust yourself and love yourself better, you wouldn’t even think about your sister anymore. You wouldn’t be talking about wanting to prove that you deserve to be here in SCW… when you already have, in spades. You wouldn’t be talking about wanting to prove yourself to naysayers. And as someone that has been down the road that you’re on right now and knowing how that all feels… I’m really torn with how I want to treat you right now. There’s part of me that wants to give you a big, giant hug and do everything that I can for you to push you to be stronger and better… and there’s also a part of me that wants to beat the holy shit out of you… for the same purpose… to be stronger and better. It’s out of a place of love, either way… but unfortunately, when it comes to Violent Conduct, it’ll have to be the latter and trust me when I say that it’s a little hard for me to do so. I want to beat you and remain the Internet champion, but I don’t want to be a cause of you spiraling further into the dark then you already have. I can’t help that, I guess. I want you to look at my recent big wins, I want you to look at the opponents that I faced. I want you to hear about the attitude that I would’ve taken pre-SCW versus the attitude I actually took. I want you to hear the DIFFERENCE… and I hope to god when you hear this… you get it.
Into the Void. I could’ve gone into that match with Amber feeling like a victim and putting any desire for ‘revenge’ about Carnage Wrestling ahead of what really matters.
Old Myra would’ve said “I have to prove Carnage wrong by beating their world champion! I have to get my revenge! Without it, I’ll never get over it and I’ll never amount to anything in SCW.”
What I actually said? “It’s not about Carnage… it’s about going in there and giving it my best knowing that even if I lose… I’m still Myra… I’m still the wrestler that’s won 18 championships! It’s only my 3rd match in SCW… but win or lose… my future is bright because of this experience.”
Then there’s my match against Alicia…
Old Myra would’ve said “It’s Alicia… I HAVE to prove myself… but nobody thinks I can win! Nobody has faith in me! I have to go in there and prove everyone wrong! If I don’t… then they’ll be proven right and I really will be out of touch…”
What I actually said? “Alicia is going to be one hell of an opponent, but I’m going to focus on giving it everything I have! I know I can hang with her no matter the outcome and I’m going to make sure I give an inspiring performance!”
My title challenge with Kate…
Old Myra would’ve treated the match just like Kate did… with wanting to put her down, with wanting to ‘bury her’, with taking everything Kate said to me so personally and losing focus on what matters.
What actually happened was that I was calm, cool, collective and I focused on the task at hand while Kate was high strung and worrying about this, worrying about that, beating herself up… being TOO focused and driven on other things and breaking records and such… and that’s why I won.
My title defense against Kate…
Old Myra? “It’s not FAIR! Why do I have to defend my title so soon? UGH! Now I HAVE to win or else I’m just a fluke that got lucky ONE time in ONE last moment of glory”
Me, now? “Alright. Let’s do this! I know I can beat her again… even if she has learned her lesson. Even if she wins, I still proved that I can be a force in this company.”
Kate, of course, was still high strung.
Do you get it now, Sammy? Do you see how attitude makes all the difference in the world? Do you understand how trusting and loving yourself and being secure with yourself in the face of adversity and taking the approach I have taken to every single one of those wins suddenly turns you from the wrestler that’s on a six match losing streak to a wrestler that’s winning six in a row? I’ve just illustrated why I’m going to win at Violent Conduct…
I’m going to win because I trust myself and believe in myself more than you do with yourself. I’m going to remain the SCW Bombshells Internet Champion because after so many years in this business, I’m finally in the prime of my career. You on the other hand… worrying for months and months about being past your prime… you’ve never even REACHED your prime. The fact of the matter is, Sammy… in this business… prime means so much more than collecting championships… prime is doing what you love in that ring, being so damn good at it, and getting to the point where you KNOW that NOBODY can EVER define you and that no matter how hard others try to bring you down, that they’re already wrong and that you don’t NEED to prove them wrong! Being a wrestler in her prime is being successful in both aspects of the game: winning the big matches and being a champion and shining in the spotlight… and mastering the psychological aspect of the business… in finding that zen that prevents you from EVER falling back into the darkness!
You’re not there yet psychologically, Sammy.
You will be!
At Violent Conduct, I’m going to do everything to push you to be there psychologically and for you to understand what it means to be a true wrestler in this business and to understand what it means to trust yourself in that ring.
I’ve escaped the shadows that plagued me for so long, Sammy. Sunday? I’m going to help you do the same by beating you and shining that light bulb in your head that makes you go “I get it now… I get what I need to be in this business”...
Best of luck to you, Sam Marlowe.
The lesson you’re about to learn is going to be harsh and it’s going to be painful… but I promise you… you’re going to be so much better for it!
At this point, having said all I needed to say, I shut off the camera feeling not just confident in my chances to retain the Internet Championship at Violent Conduct, but also confident in my ability to teach Sam Marlowe exactly the lesson she needs to escape the shadows that have plagued her for her entire career.