Part 1 - The Boy With The Fear of Falling
Excerpt 1 - Field Trip
I hated school trips with a passion. My sense of adventure as I got older, taking hold of my independence with both hands, but back then I was happy in the little family unit of me, my Mum, and my Dad. Field trips meant new experiences, and at that age, new experiences scared me, the fear of the unknown, what’s the worst possible things that could happen to me? That’s pretty much how I imagined it, and when I was locked in that mindset there was no way of telling me that I might enjoy myself. I was told that, often. I didn’t listen, and I virtually never had fun. I thought I knew better, because experience told me I was right.
We are taken to grainy camcorder footage that is clearly from a different time. A group of school children, all dressed up in matching uniforms, can be seen haphazardly making their way around what looks to be some kind of museum. The group are pushed into a kind of choke-point, as their only path is up stairs and across a bridge. The stairs are open-backed, giving a view of the floor below.
As the stairs approach, we notice one child, a boy, begin to slow their pace as they grow ever closer, causing uproar amongst his peers as he eventually came to a stop in the centre of the corridor.
Kid 1: Come on, get out of the way!
Kid 2: Move!
He didn’t move. He didn’t seem to notice as his classmates shoved him in the back, gave up, and in the end sidestepped into the throng of moving kids and brushed past. Learning from the mistakes of the first two, those behind him just seemed to funnel around, until the boy was left alone, aside from one lone teacher that came into view, as she was clearly bringing up the rear of the group.
Teacher 1: Are you scared of heights?
Without a word, the boy nods.
Teacher 1: Want to walk across with me?
The boy shakes his head.
Teacher 1: Well you need to keep up with the class, come on!
Mark: I’ll just go back and wait at the front…
Teacher 1: We’re here for another three hours so you can’t wait at the front Mark. I’m right here, I won’t let you fall.
The boy, on legs like jelly, manages to at least will himself forward now he wasn’t surrounded by people brushing past him, possibly knocking him flying and to his doom. Tentatively he takes the hand rail, firmly, with both hands, his knuckles turning white as he tries to will his legs to take each step at a time, which he is able to do at the beginning, the teacher following close behind, not really expecting to be needed in such an innocuous situation.
Teacher 1: There you go, you’re getting there.
As he takes one step at a time, the boy finds his legs lose steam again, almost wobbling him completely off balance, which makes the whole thing worse. As a second teacher appears at the top of the stairs, the boy hits the deck for safety, his arms wrapping tightly around the upright beam supporting the handrail.
Teacher 2: What’s going on?
Teacher 1: He’s scared of heights.
The second teacher thunders down the stairs, making them shake a little as he makes his way down to the boy.
Teacher 2: Come on Mark, up you get!
Mark: No I can’t, let me go back…
The teacher tries to pull him away from the guard rail.
Teacher 2: It’s just a bridge! I’ll carry you over if you like.
I hated a lot of people at that moment - I really and truly did. My teachers, for seemingly just not understanding what I was going through. My legs just weren’t working. My classmates, who ridiculed me for months after my teacher DID carry me across that bridge in the end. After I’d held on for dear life for a while, then cried, then realised I wasn’t going to get out of it. My legs still didn’t work though. Adult perspective is great and all, but they just didn’t understand. Not one of them. People in that class would hit the ROOF if they saw a spider. They’d be inconsolable, and they got off easily. Me, with heights? That’s a stupid fear, how do you climb trees in the park? I doubt the teachers ever clung to a railing when they were a child, but that was what I lived with. Moments like that stayed with me, for years, influencing the decisions I made until I could finally manage to find a way to put them all into some kind of perspective on my own. I’m still not perfect as far as my fear goes, but I stopped letting it hold me back a long time ago.
Excerpt 2 - First Ski Trip
Mike: Hey Mark, don’t you have a fear of heights?
Mark: Yeah, why?
Mike: How are you going to get up there then?
It was that moment I knew...I’d fucked up. I looked out of the window of the snow train, then up. And up. And up, at the French Alps, and I saw virtually nothing but mountain in front of me. It was my first ski trip. My sense of adventure had kicked into high gear. I’d got a passport now, and I was out stamp collecting. My NFL Europe experience gave me the excuse to see new cities, and more importantly gave me the funds I needed to carve my own path in my downtime. A week away with my friends from England, drinking ice-cold beers halfway up a mountain in the Alps? Come off the mountain, hit the nightclub in full ski gear, be warm and toasty for the walk back to the hostel? Where do I sign?
I’d taken lessons on real snow, not those dry ski slopes that were hopeless. Quite a few of them. I felt pretty confident in my ability on a pair of skis, even though I’d never done it for real on a run. The problem was, as it turned out, not whether I’d be able to ski down - I had to get up there first...and it was a pretty expensive holiday if I didn’t.
Yeah - I really shafted this one. After 12+ hours of travelling, we were exhausted, but I sunk a couple of beers anyway and hoped some of the Dutch courage would last into the morning.
Mike: A few of the girls are going to have some lessons if you’d rather…
Mark: Nope - I’m coming up with you guys.
John: OK cool! Meet you out front.
Mark bent down to ratchet up the clasps on his second ski boot. Tight on the leg and ankle, loose on the toe so you don’t cut off your circulation, like they’d taught him at the snowdome. He breathed a long, deep breath, getting a lungful of the mountain air that had got rid of his hangover in 30 seconds flat when he’d walked out on the balcony earlier, and instantly began fidgeting with the velcro straps on his gloves as he pushed himself up from the bench, gingerly heel-toeing out of the ski lockers and to the front of the chalet. He’d spent a very minimal time walking in ski boots, much less than a lot of his friends, who’d skied many times from an early age, and it wasn’t long before they started to leave him behind as the group trudged up the hill at Tignes 1500 towards the ski lifts.
John: See you at the lifts, we’ll wait for you!
Mark: Yup - Cheers.
Mark started to nail the timing, or so he thought anyway, but still his group of friends distanced themselves further from him as the walk continued, his awkward gait only made worse by the bright yellow salopettes and light blue waterproof jacket that he’d chosen to kit himself out in for the trip, which made him instantly visible and just as easily recognisable. It was tough work, and by the time he’d eventually hit snow, the only guy that played sport for a living on the whole trip was almost ready to turn around and go back. That was when he saw it for the first time.
We all know what a ski lift is, right? But it’s not until you come up close to one that you realise just how flimsy they often are. On other trips, later at night Mark watched them swing around in the wind at night when they’re not running, and he could see why. It’s a bench. Not a very big one either, low-backed, with a bar to “hold you in” even though it was so far in front that you could easily slip off the chair and under it before you even had the chance to react - They were nothing like the harnesses on roller coasters, or at least Mark didn’t think they were. He hadn’t ridden one of those either. This...was what was going to take him to the top of that thing that’d scared him the night before.
Mike: You coming up then?
Mark: Uhh...yeah…
Mark trudged his way towards the barrier, fumbling away at his ski jacket with gloved hands as he tried to dig out his ski pass from the pocket he’d tucked it in for safety. In doing so he dropped his pole, then the other one, then struggled to retrieve them as the boots restricted his ability to bend. His friends watched on as the rookie of the group ambled towards them, still struggling for his pass, and fearing for how much this guy was going to slow them down.
Mike: Just take your glove off.
Pete: I’ll take your poles if you want.
Attendant: <Something impatient sounding in French>
John: Should we just meet him up there?
Matt: Is Mark OK?
Mark: Just...you guys go...I’ll have a few runs on the nursery slope and I’ll meet you up there later.
I got very little in the way of argument, I think my friends had wasted enough hitting the powder, and were swift to hop on chairs and disappear up the mountain. As I walked away from the barrier my legs shook uncontrollably, my pulse quickened and my heart was racing as I collapsed backwards on the white snow, the only way I figured I could get down in the boots. I was wrapped up in more thermal layers than I needed, another rookie mistake, and the whole ordeal had left me sweaty as well as panic-stricken.
This was less irrational. The safety bar of a chair lift does nothing for holding you in, and some of the drops if you did happen to fall out of one would definitely leave you in a world of hurt. The two broken legs kind if you try and stick the landing. And if someone has a problem getting off at the bottom they will shut the lift down and leave you hanging up there for a while. Accidents rarely happen, but when they do, they’re at height.
I’d learned something about my fear from past experiences. If I’d pushed myself up somewhere high once, I found myself more than able to get up there again a second time.With each attempt, I’d grow a little more in confidence. I’d seen how bad it was, often nowhere near as severe as I’d thought, and I’d survived. What if I could have reached my pass right away? I’d have been through, I’d have been pushed or dragged onto a chair, I would have had to ride it out, and if I wanted to get back to the safety of the hostel? Well I was up a mountain now, it was skiing down or freezing to death. I would have chosen option one, got on with it, and got far more out of that vacation than I did.
I’ve been back, many times. I love skiing, the atmosphere, the peace and quiet of being up in the mountains. It’s a complete change of pace from what my lifestyle has been for over a decade. On chair lifts, I’m maybe less chatty than normal, but my friends would likely not be able to tell the difference. I’m almost at the point where I can’t either.
Excerpt 3 - First Ladder Match
My leg wouldn’t...stop...shaking. I developed a sudden onset of restless leg syndrome, this was new, to the point where the rickety wooden bench I’d perched on in the locker room was shaking within its frame, making a repetitive clunking noise that seemed to get the attention of the other guy I was sharing the bench with.
Zach Zebra: Dude can you stop?
His words bounced right off, I clearly had other things on my mind.
Zach Zebra: HEY!
The Dragon: Just fuck off man alright? I’m going through some stuff here.
Thankfully for everyone involved, he did without another word. Without the extra weight on it, the clanking of the bench reached a fever pitched level, and it echoed around the locker room. This was unexpected. I don’t know why, but it wasn’t until I started to lace up my boots that I realised this was my first ever ladder match, and all the old memories of the past started to come rushing back to me. It wasn’t like it was, I’d faced up to it and gotten on with it many times by now, but it was still there.
I had gone through changes, positive ones, as far as my fear went. I’d been skiing countless times. I’d sat in the upper tiers of music venues and sports stadiums. I could climb the steps onto a plane without having to hold on both hand rails. I’d flown one too, and not a proper one either, a little two seater that felt like a washing machine with wings. I’d been on high balconies, ridden glass elevators, and I’d gone to the edge and had a peek over the side every time I did. I wasn’t cured, but I’d said yes a whole bunch of times. I’d chosen life, and I’d experienced so many great things because of it.
My old entrance music, Dune’s “Are you ready to fly?” suddenly blasted over the sound system. That was my cue.
Ironic really, since I definitely, definitely didn’t want to be doing any flying. Especially when it involved ladders and a ring tech that liked to set their ring up stiffer than most. Something about adding more ‘snap’ to the action. The only thing snapping was our spines, because those mats definitely weren’t going to break first.
I won that first ladder match, by the way. I didn’t like the idea of anyone shaking it while I was up there, so I resorted to smashing my opponents in the face repeatedly with said ladder so I could scamper up there unchallenged. It probably looked like I was climbing in slow-motion, and I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the audience asked for their money back, but it was one more tick in the box nonetheless.
A lot of fear is irrational, and that’s OK, I’m not here to tell you that it’s not. Just don’t let it take over your life. Everything has an element of danger to it, even falling asleep at night, but as long as precautions are in place, and you’re with people that you trust, make that leap, take that risk - Say yes. It might just be the best thing you ever did.
Part 2 - Same Old, Same Old
We are returned to a now familiar scene, since we’ve seen it three videos on the trot. Mark “The Dragon” Cross appears to have added even more into the background of his new gaming room, as he once again addresses the subscribers to his Twitch channel.
The Dragon: Now I get it, I’m getting boring and repetitive, and that’s something I’ll have to address, but I made a vow to you guys. Two, in fact. If people choose to subscribe to my channel, cold hard cash or Twitch Prime, I promised to stream often enough to make it good value for money for you, even if it’s one guy. Vow number two, I got a second monitor, so I can respond to chat while I’m gaming. Also, so I can keep an eye on my feed and make sure those GRIME douchebags don’t hijack my stream again...I still don’t know how they did that by the way, and haven’t tracked down who was responsible, they must have proxied or VPN'd the hell out of it I don’t know...but I’ve bought a second monitor. Just a warning though, with My Bloody Valentine coming up, and Blast from the Past around the corner, I will have to deal with Sin City business off-stream more often than not so we can keep it fresh. Now, let’s get into it.
Mark claps his hands once, leaning forward a little in the chair.
The Dragon: I wanted to talk real quick about anxiety...over the last few years it's become the newest buzz-word of mental health hasn’t it? The world seems to be full of sufferers that as we learn more about the human brain, have started to feel more comfortable about coming forward, and you know what? I don't think being honest about our feelings is a bad thing, and I don’t think it's ever an exaggeration either. I just think it's a pretty typical human condition. I was an anxious child. I'd play out some of the worst possible scenarios in my head. That became my reality. Fear of missing out? What if it turns out to be a lot of fun? The thoughts couldn't ever find a way through my addled brain, it was so occupied with the worst case scenario all the time. The worst was my fear of falling. The prospect of being anywhere high up without being 360 degree enclosed by something solid would fill my legs with pure cast iron. I have literally stopped somewhere, and not been able to will myself even one step closer, multiple times in my young life, and I often wondered if I would ever be able to change. Even worse, since others didn’t understand, they very rarely sympathise...empathised? I always get those mixed up. Anyway, pretty odd to talk about this right before a ladder match, right? But I think I need to illustrate a point.
Mark reaches for his mouse and clicks a button. The scene is replaced with a highlight reel from Sin City Underground. Mark “The Dragon” Cross can be seen high above the ring, dangling by one arm from the Double Down tag title belts, his other arm trying to dislodge them for himself and his partner, fellow “Fire Dragon” Valentina as Winter Elemental and Tatsu Ikeda try to rip him down. The shot flicks back to Mark.
The Dragon: Anyone can face their fears, anyone can stand up and be counted, and yes, if you put your mind to it, anything is possible. I’ve seen it in the gaming and the wrestling communities, but I think it’s widespread, the ability to sit behind a keyboard and a monitor promotes a sense of confidence and comfort, the kind that, face to face, in the outside world? They wouldn’t think possible. You can develop that confidence. There’s a lot of bad things and bad people in the real world, but there’s a lot of good in it too. Don’t hold yourself back from finding it, you’ll regret it in the future.
Mark clicks the mouse again, bringing up a logo for My Bloody Valentine in the corner.
The Dragon: Speaking of holding myself back, Teddy...we keep going over this same old ground but the result, for now, is going to remain the same. Honestly I have to question why they keep putting you and I in the ring together, because we’re some time away from you being able to change the outcome. You only get better by wrestling better people, that’s a given, but management are going to give you a complex at this rate. Believe it or not I don’t want to be that monkey on your back, out-wrestling you at every turn, I’d be quite happy if we kept out of each others’ hair. I want you to keep working on your craft, get better, focus up, and in the future I want to have real raise-the-roof classic matches with you, like against Griffin, like against Fenris. One day I expect you to beat me clean, one-on-one, and after the referee raises your hand in victory, I will do the same for you too. You’ll know when that time is right. The fans will have been chanting your name after you’ve won them over. The guys AND girls of the locker room will start to give you the respect that frankly, right now you still have to earn...but it can be earnt, and you need to appreciate that. You’re not going to get away with the Summer XXXtreme trick again. You’ve proven yourself to be “opportunistic” while others around you do the big damage, and you can bet we’ll all be keeping half an eye on you setting yourself up a little ladder while everyone else is otherwise occupied. In case any of my opponents have short memories, maybe watch that match back, just as a hint. Given your recent in-ring form Teddy, I doubt anyone is going to be afraid of challenging you one-on-one to get in your way either. We will all fancy our chances - Not because you’re talentless, but because this hasn’t been a good run for you, and you’re not making the right moves to turn it around. If you want this Internet title we’re going to have to see a side to you that we haven’t - Probably ever. I’m going to add you to the pile of bit-part players in the match, as I feel like you’re too interested in your new record deal to awaken any sleeping giants.
Mark tilts himself back a little in his chair.
The Dragon: Jake...you’re probably the guy I feel most sorry for, since you’re floating around looking a little lost. There’s this little no-man’s land forming, population you, and maybe one or two others in this contest too. You’re talented enough to keep your job, you can hold your own against a certain calibre, and you know how to win titles in combat sports, just not THIS combat sport just yet, and that leaves you just out of the title picture. I don’t dislike you. We’ve shared a ring before, you do some good work in there, but you and I are on different trajectories right now. Mine is pushing the biggest names in the company all the way. You’re not quite there yet...but beating up on the rookies? You need a sterner test than that if you want to develop and hone your skills. I bet it’s a real head scratcher for what to do with you. I’ve heard you talk about a Mixed Tag Team run. Great idea, honestly. I mean I did it with the Fire Dragons. It helped that I was already winning matches before, but that was what really catapulted me onto the scene here on the main brand. The lighter workloads on a show night gave me that opportunity to pull double-duty, for you maybe some independent shows, who knows. You and Teddy, you’re in similar positions. You need work. You need focus. You need to train hard, and you need quality time in the ring. The difference Jake is I think you might have the work ethic to be able to pull it off, and get there faster than our cross-dressing friend, but again your time is sadly not now. Next.
Mark glances down at his watch, casually takes a sip of water, then continues.
The Dragon: Caleb I have to ask what happened to you...seriously. You’re not the same man who won the Roulette title here. You can’t be, it just isn’t possible. Have you been replaced by your twin brother or something? You shouldn’t fear even being in the same building as a potential opponent. Oh no not big bad White Wolf Fenris!! I’ve been in the ring with him. I’ve seen what all the fuss is about, and yeah the guy is absolutely incredible, no doubt about it, but I gave a good account of myself, like a champion would. They should be willing to stand up and prove their worth against the best, come one, come all. Sure, they should enjoy the fruits of their labour, but absolutely NOT at the detriment of their work in the ring. It’s like the fire that got you the belt in the first place was extinguished almost immediately, job done, don’t have to try anymore. Where, exactly, did that Caleb Storms go? I’m conflicted. Respecting every opponent, their ability, their achievements, it’s in my make-up, so automatically for yourself, and for Teddy, I should hold you both in extremely high regard for what you’ve done...but I just can’t. For either of you. I’ve been looking long and hard over the last 12 months and there just isn’t enough evidence to prove that you deserve it. Maybe on that one particular night you were the best man in the ring, or hey, maybe you just rode your luck. It made you a champion on paper, but not a worthy one. Now we do have one of those in the match, I’ve saved him for last, but I can’t put either of you in that camp.
Mark clears his throat, getting on a roll.
The Dragon: Stephen Callaway...another man living on past glories...yet delivering none of that same quality here so far. I’ve been in the ring with you a couple of times as well and I just don’t see it yet, honestly. Maybe this isn’t your level. Maybe you thought you could come in here and cruise past the rest of us like we’re nothing - I really don’t know what your deal is exactly, maybe you’re just trying to find your feet out here, and it’ll all come good in the end. Beats me, honestly. Are you just in this for entertainment or something? How do we make a ladder match even more entertaining - Throw a bunch of bodies in there, sit back, and watch it turn to carnage? I’m guessing that’s probably it. Another bump in the road that we have to navigate if we want the Internet title? Fine by me, I’m always bleating on about earning our spots, guess it’s time to take my own advice.
Mark reaches for his bottle of water, taking a long swig and as promised, he saved his best until last.
The Dragon: Austin James Mercer...so good they named him thrice, right? Well Austin I have three words of my own for you - Get. Fucked. Mate. Get fucked mate, because it’s ignorance like yours that demonstrates exactly why I’m the most dangerous man in this match and yet, less than a year ago, nobody would have seen it coming. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if STILL there were people asking ‘who is this guy?’ when I take that belt down from the rafters. I’ve defeated everyone else in this match, some more than once, bar you, and like the first two runs of Pokemon cards I plan to complete the collection. It’s not just you, I’ve seen it from your buddy Alex Jones, Alicia Lukas, Bobbie Dahl (I kinda provoked that one), and I’ve overheard the lot of you running your mouth, backstage and on social media, about how the Underground are no good, don’t deserve to share a ring with you, or even get the opportunity to interact with you. Ask Teddy about his three singles defeats to me in the past year. Ask Bill Barnhart about his two. Ask Caleb Storms about how I fared against the guy he won’t even share a zip code with by choice and you tell ME why I’m not worthy to stand with YOU. While we’re waiting, I’m getting ready to deliver an education.
Mark leans forward in the chair, lowering his voice.
The Dragon: I know about your past, and don’t for a second think I don’t respect your accomplishments, or that I’m underestimating you here. You don’t get off that lightly. We all have pasts in this business, and that’s great, but the greatest stock has to be put in recent form. With that being said, I consider you my toughest rival in this contest, and if you know what’s good for you, then you’d absolutely better be doing the same for me. You’ve shown some of the prowess required to back up your past achievements, and that’s something, it puts you on a better footing than most of the guys in this match, but it doesn’t automatically raise you to elite level. My recent title successes have been in SCU, but there has been a gold rush, and I’m knocking on the door here too. Regularly. Underestimate me at your peril, but let me briefly remind you that the only person who has put you on that pedestal you look down at us from is you. I’ve earned this opportunity on merit, and I plan to take it on merit too.
Mark rocks back into the chair, again letting it recline a little as he begins to sign off.
The Dragon: As a parting comment let me say this. A ladder match - You could say that’s a little hardcore, maybe even, oh I don’t know, a little UNDERGROUND. Playing right into the hands of the budget brand wannabe if that’s the case don’t you think? A bunch of guys I’ve been in a ring with before, that haven’t had the ability to stand up, and one who I don’t think is going to be as prepared for me as he needs to be. I guess you could say if there was ever an opportunity to get my first Sin City Wrestling title under my belt, this would be it right? No pressure then. Anyway guys, that’s all from me, and that’s all until My Bloody Valentine is over. I’ve been speaking to my old dojo, and I’m going to be flying out to Japan, locking myself away to get fully prepared for this golden opportunity, so don’t be alarmed if you see some radio silence on social media. I’m just getting my head down and preparing like I always do. Thank you so much for your continued support, catch you real soon!
The scene fades away.
