”Daddy??, why do you go back to fighting???”
A question that I knew would come, one day my son would be old enough to understand that he doesn't want his dad to fight again. Truth is, I enjoy the life of beign a family man. But that itch huh?? Just like the constant twitter messages I've seen from J2H, almost begging to come back. I can't blame the fellow, he is a warrior..... just like me.
“Daddy??”
my mind once again drifted away from his blue eyes, the eys of his mother. Thank God he inherited many of her good traits, it sooths my cries a little late at night. Knowing how much I miss her, died a horrible death to a disease that I wish not to utter its name. Why not me? Why her?? I could not have blieved that they found a tumor inside her brain and that they could not help her, I would have given my life to have saved her. She had so many plans to succeed in what she loved to do.... after all those years sticking around with ME.
“I'm here son..., “
Brushes his hair, I smile at him but deep down inside I am crying. Crying for how the most wonderful day in my wrestling career was followed up with the worst day of my entire life.... Being inducted into the Hall of Fame by Despayre... poor little Despy, how I had tormented him all those years.., If I knew then what I had known now....
I sigh, knowing that the answer won't be given at all. Thankfully I have my boy, Gerrit Jr..., he is the only one that keeps me sane. Another trait that he picked up from his mother.... God..., why didn't you pick me?? A worthless husband that was too focused on his career. Believing that when I would hit forty that we finally would have a real family.
“Daddy??”
His soft fingers touches my chin, oh how much I am struggling not to cry as I turn my eyes towards him and fake a smile. Closing my eyes rapidly seemingly ten thousand times a second. Tears flow my cheek as I see his innocent eyes before he hugs me. Knowing what I am going through as he misses her too.
“Daddy, she will always be with us.“
My son..., such a smart little boy. I think he has got nothing from me, but then again.... he may get to be as stubborn as me. Oh joy, having to go through what I put my folks through. My mother was right, I was an asshole.
“I know Gerrit..., I know”
I kiss his forehead and wipe his tears away, feeling his soft hands turning into fists and gripping the fabric of my shirt. I know this has happened a lot over the few years after her death, but for some reason it still troubles me. A stinging pain shoots through my body every single time and every time itit gets worse.
“It's ok.... I'm here... I...”
“NO IT'S NOT!!!”
He breaks free from my grip and runs off to his room, I want to go after him but know that I shouldn't. I know he wants to be alone for a bit. Upset over his mother's death, I pick up his favoriote toy before I will walk to his room and comfort him.
The shot slowly drifts off....
“Am I in the Real World or is this Sin City Wrestling?? I enter Twitter after being silent for ages and I get some fucking joker being upset because I respond to some chick with some huge qualities. Oh yeah, I just keep it clean because I know my boy will be watching this. But that will only take a few moments before I tell him to go to bed. But apparently some jackass is too concerned on whether I am still able to hold on my end of the bargain, or that I have traded my wrestling ability to entertain the masses for over more than a decade… just because his heart is pure and he doesn’t like my adoration of well endowed ladies…”
He grins as he stares at the camera for a few moments before winking at the camera.
“And now it is about time that I will tell my on Gerrit Jr. to hit the sack and that I will enlighten the world on how a desperate man can make the people see HIS way upon the travelling road of redemption… who knows, I may get Daniel to trust me a little bit more to keep my hand warm in places that none of you would prefer to go where no man has gone before.”
He waits a few moments before shrugging and smiles
“How time changes a human being, hell I’ve been told that time heals all wounds… But if that’s the case, I guess I have never got the memo telling me that my time to suffer and sorrow has ended. And it’s clear that it hasn’t… death to a helpless human being, death to a woman that would have melted every person’s heart that has ever known her outside this business. A business that she never wanted to be a part off in the first place, but accepted her role to help me out… Believing that it would only last a few weeks”
He chuckles, clearly remembering old discussions with the woman that he has been with for his entire life. A woman that he had learned to love
“To this very day I still cannot understand why she picked me of all the men available… Oh and don’t talk about my good looks back then, I was at the end of the lifeline that kept me balancing on the edge of life and death… Taking all kind of drugs imaginable, oh yeah. I was that kind of guy, I even lied to her and stole from her to get a shot. Not such a good start to be the ultimate son in law now does it?? DOES IT!!!!”
He turns his head and bites on his hand, holding back on his frustration of the unknown that is seemingly looking at him.
“She always made the promise to me that one day I would understand, that I did not had to wait for her explanation. As it would all unravel in due time as long as I would fulfill my dream and then would fulfill hers. I did not even care to listen, my mind wasn’t about hope and daring to dream of a better life. Oh no, my mind was merely begging for me to find a next shot for that day… only to wait for the next day to come and then the whole thing started over and over again. Today I hate myself from the old days…, but back then? I just did not care, I did not have any emotion or any conscience let. Oh no, I stole her favorite necklace for a lousy hundred bucks…. It was the only time back then she allowed me to witness her sadness during that time of hunger and guilt. Thankfully I managed to get it back to her in due time… but still…”
“STILL??!!!! I still ended up with the only woman I’ve known to call herself an angel and I would have accepted it. And now?? I’m sure that someone is laughing at the sorrow I’m going through and by now?? I don’t think I will ever know the difference between Good or Evil… to me everyone is a son of a bitch….. And if there’s another sad hearted fool that can’t handle it??? Well fuck off…”
He closes his eyes in anger, trying to fight against the pain and tears that he is feeling brewing inside of him. Trying to forget what is causing this pain, but he knows that hi attempts are too futile
“In the Bible they say that the flesh is weak and the mind is even weaker to temptation and sins. And I’ve always laughed at the face of adversity, believing that I was GOD Himself…., but that doesn’t mean that I have to see others suffer for my own mistakes!! It should have been me!!! All me!!! And what do I do to attempt to forget my misery???”
A snicker emerges upon his face before slowly dropping his face of shame
“I did allow myself to do the one thing I promised her to never do as long as we were together….. I guess that even though she isn’t here anymore…. I still broke my promise and lied to her once more. I suppose my lifelong promises has been nothing more than a selfish plot to delay the inevitable. To do the one thing that I hated to love the most…. To rip my misery upon the flesh and bones of others…., only to feed my own addiction upon the innocents that I see… whereas I only see myself, lying to my wife over and over again. The old me, the one that I had believed as long as he was around me that I had changed away from. Oh did I ever lie to her, but mostly I had to myself”
“And now?? Now there’s nothing more left to do than to fight…, to fight for her…, to fight for my sanity before I am forced to either shoot myself or to merely force myself to enter an AA meeting… hoping against better knowledge that I would overcome that what I cannot resist….”
A soft cry can be heard from a different room, causing him to snap out of his trance and walks over towards the room where the cry had been heard. He enters the room of his little boy and quickly pulls his son against him as he is holding him tight. Letting his son cry against his shoulder as he is whispering why over and over again. He wants to answer his son, but he knows that there’s a damn thing that he can say to make things better or to work magic so that he could use magic to bring her back to life. He holds his son tighter, waiting for him to finally stop crying and fall back asleep as he finally puts him back to bed and pulls the sheets over him. He wants to walk away from hi son, but he looks over his shoulder and stares at Gerrit Jr. and sighs…, he finally closes the door and walks down the stairs towards the living room. There he grabs a bottle of his finest whiskey and shiftly opens it with a quick move. Pouring it down a glass and then downs it down his throat in one swift motion. Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and throws the glass against the wall with pure anger and hatred.
“DAMNIT!!!”
He is breathing heavily, trying to calm down and change his composure before turning his attention back to the camera.
“So bitch boy, is this what you wanted to hear?? We can’t all be so GODFERSAKEN PERFECT CAN WE??!!! I guess your life is just merely talking about green beer and shove your nose in other people’s existence because your life apparently has grown into a none good forsaken brownnosing state!! Worried about his little pet girl that is too concerned whether this Hall of Famer has changed into a Wanking jack of. Perhaps you need to worry about whether you need a dildo shoved down your interior openings… perhaps you will see things from a different side… But I am going to make sure that my hands are clean enough for you to smell anything except your own bullshit”
He grabs the bottle once more and pours something more into his glass and stares at the camera
“Bottoms up…, even though I am not so sure whether the soft hearted little boys and girls can enjoy a good sexual referenced joke and not turn into a Bend Over comedy act. But instead of just wasting my good breath on someone that needs to be f***ed…”
This time he just simply put the bottle to his mouth and empties it till halfway and then places the bottle on the table and stares at it.
“That glass represented the bullshit that I have had to go through for many years, the alcohol is the me wanting to laugh at the stupidity of those who are brave behind a keyboard or a cellphone and conquer the world through the modern world of Social Media. Whereas I just fought upon the streets and made people bleed while they attempted to do the same to me. A novelty that has been often replicated inside the ring… but I guess that doesn’t matter to the hot heads anymore does it?? Well until you have ever walked in my shoes like I have done then I will give you the fifteen minutes of fame before I shove a boot inside your mouth to hut you up…., saving yourself from the stupidity that you undoubtedly will go through when I’m done with you…. But before I lose control, I have to deal with a chick that does not know who I am….. and her tag team partner. A tag team partner that acknowledges me, yet has learned from Heelish figures 101 to ridicule my status of being retired…”
He fakes a yawn before taking the bottle to his mouth once more and finish it completely before placing the bottle on the table again… slowly shaking his head as he is trying to focus on the bottle, but is unable to.
“You…., you are good son…, the perfection gimmick is catchy and it made me scratch my head a few times before I took my head and threw up in the toilet…. Remembering how perfect my wife’s face was at 5 am when I came home from another shot…. That’s when before you were even born little grim biscuit. A seed in the loins of your parents that had not connected with the eggs that fertilized ya. But seriously Jack, it made me wonder if you have ever escaped a headlock while having fingers digging inside your skull…. Merely for the scientific value of course. Because science needs to grow so that we can solve every problem to make humans immortal… or should I just say PEFECT???”
He lets out a loud burp in front of the camera before falling down on a leather sofa and puts his hands upon his face as he is grinding his teeth.
“WHY IN THE HELL DID I RETURN??!!! Oh yeah…, because I want my misery being inflicted upon each and every other superstar in this tournament… merely for the fact that I just can’t stand looking at your stinking face. But I’m sure that you have lost the love of your life that ended you to become who the f*** you are… And who are you?? Mr. Imperfective sinking deeper into obscurity than someone that sinks its sorry ass in quick sand. Feeling your throat squeezed shut and spat in your face over and over again until you wake up bathing in agonizing sweat!! Screaming the name of your wife that died too young!!!
His tears are flowing now across his face, clearly not caring anymore whether the world would witness his moment of weakness.
“While you are run your mouth about your simplicity, I will drive my knees inside your gut and listen the oxygen to fade away from your lungs. Just like it escaped her lungs when she gaped her final breath and her eyes were dead before she even whispered that she loved me. A woman that wanted to say so much to her loved ones, but was cut off too short just merely because someone up there was so impatientl”
“But I know that will not happen to me…, oh no. I have to undo the wrong that I had done upon each and every one… including you and your tag team partner. Witnessing heart break, witnessing how seductive your flesh can be to an addiction. To have you ask the world why they are so serious?? And then the ripping out o your heart and watch it turn black before your watchful eyes. I feel pity my son, I feel pity knowing the fact that when I am done with you… that I will have to move on and return to my son. Explaining to a young child that I enjoy inflicting pain upon others… merely because do not wish to feel mine… even if it is only for the count of three. When you have been suffering as much as I have over the past years…. A three count would seem to last like an eternity… an eternity that I am not willing to let it slip through my fingers… an eternity that shall be mine before the day that I truly die..”
“And yet the world does no longer care, no longer wishes to see an notalgia act enter through the curtains and feel sad about how much he has decayed over the years….. Too bad for yo that decay is not the biggest worry that you will have to endure… but you will have to endure the insanity of a clowneskless individual that does no longer care… I will give my mind a final resting place so that I can come face to face with my departed wife. Something that you or your tag team partner will not have to reconsider ater this coming Climax Control. A return of many years, even more layers of having to deal with stupidity instead of serious competition. But thank you for trying, attempting to make me smile like only She could… Thank you, but you have failed…. Only my departed wife and my son can do that…. But now?? Enjoy the final two minutes before midnight. Because I am coming Jack… I’m coming to take home what is mine….”
He looks upwards and his tears are flowing harder and harder as he is clearly upset.
“I just hope it will be enough to bring us closer my love….”
With that he drops to his knees in agonizing pain and misery.
