Voice Over: "Hello! And welcome to the nation's capital, Washington, D.C.! And welcome one and all to another culinary masterpiece of an episode of 'Food For Life!'"
A shot of the camera panning across a studio audience that is applauding with enthusiasm.
Voice Over: "And now please welcome to the stage, the lady who shows everyone that her cooking is not your mother's, Miss P-"
And through the set's front door and out onto the stage stomps Twisted Sister! The applause from the audience slowly subsides into a confused response from the crowd as This was most certainly not who they had expected to emerge. Twisted Sister stands at the forefront of the stage, her maddened eyes wide with malice as she smiles -- if that's what you can call it. She is wearing a lopsided chef's hat and a blood stained apron with lacy frills and a stitched caption that reads "Bless This Mess."
Twisted Sister: "HI!!! Your regularly scheduled programming will take a brief hiatus because some tool out there struggled for an idea for me and This was the best that he could do!"
Twisted Sister runs up and the camera fills with her face and she hisses! She jumps back and wields a wooden spoon dangerously.
Twisted Sister: "So blame him for you all out there in the audience about to wet themselves from fear! Just like Chelsea Payne!"
She turns and looks into another camera and taps her temple with a finger.
Twisted Sister: "Notice how I worked that in?"
She turns away from that camera and into another and claps the spoon into her hand, time after time.
Twisted Sister: "Your host had to step out for the moment, as she's all tied up! So I'm here, tonight, to teach you all out there how to best serve a full five course ASS KICKING to your opponent! C'mon."
She beckons the camera to follow as she walks over to the kitchen set, then turns her head and glances back over her shoulder at the cameraman that is not doing as she says. She snarls and screeches like a howler monkey.
Twisted Sister: "I SAID C'MON!!!"
And the cameraman almost trips over himself to do as instructed and hurries over as Twisted Sister steps behind the kitchen counter. She curls her upper lip in a smile/snarl and slaps her hands down onto the kitchen counter.
Twisted Sister: "ALRIGHT! First up we are going to discuss preparations! The key to any successful soiree is to make sure that you have everything you need!"
She turns and looks curiously off-camera.
Twisted Sister: "Hey Phil! Do we have everything we need?"
She turns back and her eyes are wider than before and waves a hand at the counter, showing a variety of foods, ingredients and instruments for cooking. There are frying pans and cooking pots. Meat mallets and whisks and meat cleavers. An electric blender and food processor. Jars of herbs like cloves and garlic, salt and pepper. Bottles of oils and vinegar and a large, raw chicken seated in a broiling pan.
Twisted Sister: "How about that!? WE DO! And that means our little party with Chelsea will be a rousing success!"
She grabs a thawed out raw chicken by the leg and lifts it up for all to see.
Twisted Sister: "BEHOLD! The guest of honor! Or all I like to call her..."
She grabs an ice pick and stabs it through an 8x10 color photo of Chelsea Payne, embedding it into the chicken.
Twisted Sister: "The main course! AHHHH!!!"
She shrieks, startling everyone in the audience.
Twisted Sister: "Now, before we get started, we have to make certain that Chelsea here will be ready for what's to come! So for that, we need...."
She holds up a meat mallet and grins.
Off-Camera: "You don't use a meat mallet on a chicken!"
Twisted Sister: "I can use it on whatever I (beeeeeeeeeeep)ing want!"
Twisted Sister then proceeds to swing the meat mallet overhead, driving it harder and harder into the chicken with Chelsea Payne's face attached to it. And with each blow, comes another word from the Twisted One's lips.
Twisted Sister: "If ... Chelsea's ... bones ... get ... broken ... then ... that's ... okay! We just want to make sure that she is properly pulverized, I mean -- TENDERIZED!"
She brings one final whack down and you can hear the chicken's bones crunching from the impact and the juice and raw bits go flying. Twisted Sister rears her head back and screeches in glee.
Twisted Sister: "It's not like she was using them anyway! Then once Chelsea the Chicken has been prepped, we add our ingredients!"
She flings the chicken down onto a cutting board and starts slathering the raw surface of the chicken with herbs and oils, tearing the caps off and dousing the chicken with vinegar and oil. She then grabs a fistful of croutons and shoves the herbed stuffing wrist-deep into the business end of the chicken.
Twisted Sister: "Now Chelsea the Chicken is bound to choke once we get our hands firmly in her, er, on her! But the key to coming out ahead is PERSISTANCE! They key is to make sure you have her right where you want her and once you do, don't let go -- LET GO!"
Twisted Sister finds her hand struck inside of the chicken and she starts swinging her arm around wildly while spinning in circles.
Twisted Sister: "I said LET -- GO!!!!"
And with a final fling, the chicken comes sailing off of her hand and rockets across the studio and right into the audience with a wet smack. Her eyes bug out and she shrieks and runs toward the direction the chicken went flying. She pushes and shoves members of the audience aside until she cries out in triumph and picks it up by the wing. She looks at a trembling elderly woman and screams in her face.
Twisted Sister: "FIVE SECOND RULE! DON'T JUDGE ME!!!"
And she turns and hurries back down onto the sound stage and slides back behind 'her' kitchen counter. She slams the poultry back into the baking pan.
Twisted Sister: "NOW! ... Now that Chelsea the Chicken has been stuffed, it's time to roast her! or bake or whatever your taste is! But me? Heh heh..."
She reaches beneath the counter and picks up her blow torch.
Twisted Sister: "I prefer the classics!"
And she proceeds to ignite the torch and aim it at the chicken, and almost immediately the oils and such on the chicken's surface cause it to go up in flames! Billowing smoke fills the area and starts to drift towards the studio audience and many are heard screaming and crying out in alarm as they scatter for the stage exits! Security finally arrive on the scene, moving into the folds of the smoke plumes as stagehands swarm on set with fire extinguishers and starts spraying....
Twisted Sister: "This has been a Twisted Sister Production! NEVER MIND THE FIRE!!! PUT ME OUT!!!"
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