Monday morning at the London Zoo. Despite the weather being less than ideal for a day out among the elements - with dull metal-grey clouds covering the sun and a less than amenable temperature for mid-August - more than a few people are milling around the popular Regent's Park attraction, taking in the sights, sounds and smells of exotic wildlife. Most of the visitors are parents of small children, who follow their offspring around as they flit excitedly between enclosures, or organised groups, with teachers or tour guides delivering information on the different exhibits and the animals therein. There are also a few young couples, presumably on a holiday or having taken the day off to enjoy the experience of visiting the zoo together.
One of these young couples can be found by the recently-renewed tiger enclosure. It consists of a man of average height, dressed in expensive khakis and with his hair tied back into a ponytail, and his glamorous date, who has the curves of a model and is clad in the very height of upmarket fashion. The two are attracting their fair share of looks as they stroll along - particularly the woman - but even more stares seem to centre on the third member of their party. This is a blond youth, dressed like his long-haired companion in an expensive-looking, perfectly pressed safari outfit. In his hand, he holds a pair of binoculars, which he presses to his eyes as he skulks around a pillar with exaggerated caution. As he tiptoes up to the glass partition dividing the tigers from the humans, he turns to the fourth member of the party - the one hidden behind the camera and filming the entire thing - and motions for them to come closer. A girlish giggle can be heard from off-frame as the camera-holder complies, edging nearer to the blond man. The moment they are sufficiently close, the youth whispers:
'Rupert Royston-Fellowes here. Together with my associate, Nigel Kensington III, we are the Best of British.'
The camera swivels around to focus on the ponytailed youth, who gives the camera a wave and a smirk, pulling his girlfriend closer. 'Say hello, Ronnie', he says, nuzzling at her ear. Giggling, the woman - SCW Bombshell and Mean Girls member Veronica Taylor - waves to the lens as well, before the focus switches back around to Rupert, who is now crouching next to the glass. In an audible whisper, he continues to explain:
'We find ourselves here at London Zoo this morning in an attempt to scout our opponents for the next edition of SCW Collision Course. Thus far, we have managed to slip by undetected, so I would thank you to make as little noise as you can. We wish to be able to observe our quarry in their natural environment, with as few disturbances as possible.'
Just as these words are escaping the blond Brit's lips, a young boy, maybe three years old, runs up and begins banging on the glass, yelling excitedly:
'TIGER! TIGER!'
Oblivious to the death glare he is receiving from Rupert, he continues to bounce up and down on the balls of his feet, pointing beyond the glass at the majestic animals. After a moment, he seems to notice the grown-up standing beside him and turns his cherubic face up to look at him.
'TIGER!', he chirrups. Rupert scowls pointedly, his upper lip curling in a sneer, but before he or any of his companions can say anything, the boy's parents catch up to him, his father scooping him up onto his shoulders. 'Sorry', the man says to Rupert as he, his wife and his son continue the tour. The wrestler responds with little more than a clearing of the throat, taking a moment to ensure the tiger has gone back to sleep before once again turning to the camera. Using the same stage whisper as before, he resumes his spiel:
'...hrm, yes, as I was saying, we do want to observe our antagonists in as natural an environment as possible.'
He once again brings the binoculars to his eyes, despite the fact that the tigers are clearly visible only a few feet away. After making a couple of expert-sounding noises in his throat, he beckons Nigel closer. As his 'associate' approaches the glass, Rupert holds out a finger, pointing at the animals inside the enclosure:
'Would you say that fellow over there is 'Big Tiger'?'
Nigel nods, taking the binoculars to get a closer look:
'Definitely. He is much larger than the other one.'
'So that would make that chap over there 'Dark Tiger', yes?'
'I suppose', Nigel says, uncertainly. 'Although he does not look all that dark to me, if I am honest. Perhaps there is a third one somewhere...?'
Another light, girlish giggle rises from off-camera at this point, leading to a pointed 'SHUSH!' from Rupert.
'Sorry...' the camera-holder whispers, confirming the fact that they are, indeed, female. Then, after a moment, she once again turns the focus to the tigers, as the two Best of British members can be heard muttering off-camera:
'Make a note, Nige. Remarkably out of shape...lazy...should pose absolutely no threat whatsoever.'
As if he had heard Rupert's words, the biggest of the two tigers suddenly springs to its feet, fully revealing his muscular, sinewy frame as he lets out a deep, rumbling growl. Veronica Taylor, who had been tapping on the glass to try and get the animal's attention, leaps back into the safety of her boyfriend's arms with a gasp. As for their third wheel, he simply raises an eyebrow:
'Oh. I suppose he heard us.'
Then, to the tiger:
'Isn't that right, you big dumb brute?! You heard what we said about you, did you not?'
Inside the enclosure, the tiger begins to pace back and forth agitatedly, but Rupert does not seem in the least bit intimidated. Instead, he lets his trademark cocky smirk invade his features, as he continues to rile up the powerful predator. Nigel, who has actually wandered over to the information panels and begun to read them, tries to interject with a warning:
'Erm, Rupert...? You might want to be careful. According to this, tigers are quite accomplished at leaping...'
To this, the blond responds only with a dry chuckle:
'Nigel, please...what good is leaping when you cannot land? And that is what we saw in our esteemed opponents' debut...a lot of leaping with very little actual landing!'
'Er, Rupes...? They did win their match...' his partner retorts, ever the voice of reason. Rupert, however, remains unconcerned:
'...and what of it? So did we, in case you have forgotten. And I must say, their opposition was somehow even more pathetic than ours! Why, our stable boys could have beaten those two 'surfers'! No, old chap, you are allowing yourself to fuss over nothing at all!'
Here, the blond finally turns his back on the tigers, devoting his full attention to the camera:
'You see, the two of us...we are Britons. Our ancestors ruled over large parts of the uncivilised world. And as you may or may not be aware, one of our largest conquered colonies was India...the home of the tiger.'
Rupert begins to walk towards the camera, his cocky grin in full force:
'For Nigel and I, wrestling tigers is in our blood. It matters little if they are Big Tigers, or Dark Tigers, or Tiger Electronics. If they pounce at us, they are going to end up subjugated. For you see, they may have the advantage when it comes to speed, power, arguably even fierceness...but ultimately, they are still only dumb brute beasts. We have the superior intellect, the cunning...and the 'guns'.'
His cocky grin intensifying, the blond youth flexes each of his arms in turn, bringing his well-developed muscles into evidence. Only after showing them off for a long moment does he proceed:
'Besides, tigers are an endangered species. And as Nige and I have abundantly demonstrated in our debut a few weeks ago, we specialise in making Dying Breeds...into Extinct Breeds.'
Pausing for a moment, the wrestler casts a look back towards his companions, throwing them a wink:
'I hear Veronica there is quite fond of tiger-print...is that right, darling?'
Veronica nods enthusiastically, and Rupert grins:
'Well, on Sunday, I shall make sure Nigel has a brand new tiger fur coat to gift to you...or perhaps a nice rug?'
The SCW Bombshell giggles as the dashing blond throws her and his best friend another wink. 'And who knows', he concludes, 'if Delia Darling is able to stop flirting with every chap she meets, perhaps I shall reserve the other one to gift to her.'
With one final, cocky wink to the camera, the tag-team superstar immediately snaps out of promo mode and turns to his party:
'Shall we move on?'
'Quite', Nigel nods. 'Ronnie would like to go look at the elephants. She says they remind her of the SCW bombshells...'
It is with a smug laugh at Veronica's barb that the two wrestlers and their dates - or rather, Nigel's date and whoever is holding the camera - turn away from the tiger enclosure and prepare to continue their tour of the zoo.
