June 10
“That one hurt worse than the last time…”
That was the prevailing thought in my head on the morning after Into the Void. I was far more crushed than I was portraying on social media and that wasn’t a feeling that I could deny. I went to bed the night before feeling completely empty on the inside and falling in and out of sleep. I was groggy as a result and I had so many questions…
Where do I go from here?
What’s next?
How do I come back from this?
Why? (as in why did I lose to Kayla Richards twice)
It turns out that my next therapist appointment with Dr. Montgomery couldn’t have come at a better time though since I was still in Hawaii, this appointment was virtual. I let out a sigh when I explained to him how I was feeling. I swallowed some of my pride when I had to admit a reality that I was facing and one that I had been hoping to avoid.
“It’s the end of the line for me…” I sullenly admitted. “There’s no rematch. There’s no world title picture. I know the wound is so fresh, but it’s just so devastating.”
“You were much more bold on social media last night…” Dr. Montgomery reminds me.
“I was putting on the bravest face that I could, but that doesn’t really how I was feeling. Well, not in the moment anyway. I know I’ll get to that point pretty soon. I didn’t cry myself to sleep last night, so I suppose that’s a small victory…”
That last sentence brought out a smirk on Dr. Montgomery’s face.
“I’d say that’s a massive victory, Julianna.”
I was surprised to hear this.
“You’re going through a healing process right now, as you have for months. You are learning how to trust and love yourself better. I understand that it’s natural for you to feel the way that you are. Let’s go over those questions that you asked when we started our session. Those first two are simple: what’s next and where you go from here is entirely up to you. I know that being a world champion means the world to you and I understand that it’s going to be a long road back. But, I think in the long run, it’s going to be the best thing for you.”
“I don’t know how assuring that is, doctor…” I said with a sigh.
“You were thrown into the fire when it came to that title. Let’s bring some hidden feelings out into the open. DId you honestly feel you were ready for that world title match?”
“No…” I said. “But I won anyway… though my mother and fighting for her had much to do with that.”
“Don’t discredit yourself. You won because of you and what you were always capable of. Mother or not, you would’ve won anyway. Were you ready for the pressure of being world champion?”
I shook my head.
“Was there a constant, nagging feeling in the back of your mind that ‘something was missing’?”
My eyes widened with shock.
“It’s like you read my mind.”
“Not really. As it turns out, ‘learning on the job’ as you put it has the biggest detriment of learning to be your best self. You won that championship when you hadn’t even hit your peak yet, and you still haven’t by the way, so as a result, you defended that championship when you hadn’t learned everything you had yet to learn about the company, the competition, and especially yourself and where you come from.”
“That makes sense…” I admitted. “While I had the championship, I just couldn’t shake the feeling that ‘something was missing’. I was happy when I won and defended the championship of course, but I just felt like a fish out of water at times. I didn’t ask to have a title shot that soon. I merely just went with my best instinct that I had available to me. I recognize that, but it just sucks that it’s all over…”
“It’s not over… it’s just… on a pause so to speak. You don’t feel this way right now of course, but you’re going to realize that this was the best thing for you in the end because now you’ve got to take the longer road back and next time an opportunity comes your way again, it’s going to feel much more rewarding. You’re going to have far more knowledge and perspective at your disposal and you’re going to be a much stronger, better wrestler… which for the rest of that division, that’s going to be quite scary.”
I looked down at the floor, away from the video for a moment, not really feeling what I was hearing but I knew it was the fresh wound from the night before bumming me out.
“Or the alternative would’ve been winning last night and then having to focus on someone’s unjustly, bizarre obsessive hatred of you which wouldn’t have been good for your mental health…”
“That’s one way to look at it. That title turned me into a different person… for better or worse… to the point of slowly losing myself under all that pressure…”
“Now you can focus on yourself… without all of that. You’ve done wonderful in the big picture and you shouldn’t forget that. Talk again next month?”
I nodded.
“Keep your head up, Julianna…”
The feed cuts, ending the session. For about 10 minutes, I was left alone, thinking about so much, not sure what I was going to do, what was ‘missing’ from my puzzle, or how I was going to find that missing piece.
Into the Void left me with far more questions about myself than answers…
Father’s Day
It was about 10 PM on the worst day of the year for me as I walked into the Sevilla Nightclub back home in San Diego. I was familiar with the place and I knew exactly where I was going. I went to the bar where I found my friends Christy and Ally sitting there talking to each other. They happened to glance in my direction to see me.
“Am I seeing a ghost?” Christy joked.
“Where the hell have you been?” Ally asked sarcastically.
“I deserve that…” I said as they gestured for me to sit with them. I complied and I sat between them. Seeing them again for the first time in months put a guilty feeling in my stomach.
“Ladies, I’m sorry…” I said, the remorse seeping in. “...I got so caught up in my world title reign and everything that I basically put our friendship aside.”
I was nervous as my two friends looked at each other and then back at me all while I was feeling nervous with what their reaction was going to be.
“You were distant, Jules…” Christy reminded me. “But we’re not out of the loop with what’s been going on with you considering we’ve been talking to your mother just to see if you were fine.”
“Yeah, I figured that…”
“The truth is, we should be mad at you…” Ally added. “But it’s cool. We get it. This isn’t the first time that you’ve gotten so caught up in the bright lights. I’m sorry about last Sunday…”
“We were rooting for you and before you say it, no, you didn’t let us down. As a matter of fact, we’re happy for you. It’s one thing to hear about how much you’ve grown up but it’s nice to see it too. You may not have the world title, but your mom was telling us that you two have grown closer lately…”
“We have…” I said as I placed down my debit card on the bar. “I’ll take a daiquiri… lightest one you got…”
“That’s so cool that you and your mom have such a growing relationship…” Ally said. “Speaking of relationships…”
“Yeah, you and Liam… holy shit! We’re not shocked at all! We’re just surprised it didn’t happen much sooner.”
“My father would’ve never approved of him…” I said as the bartender brought me my drink and my card, which I put back in my purse. “...but…yeah… I…. I guess it’s not so bad….”
A bitter anger was pouring through me.
“I mean… I only lost to Kayla again, I don’t know what to do with myself in SCW anymore, I feel fucking DEMOTED with the damn Internet title being dangled in front of my face in a fucked up handicap match… and it’s my least favorite fucking holiday of the year….”
“Jules… hey…” Christy was quick to grab my hand to calm me down. “It’s going to be okay. Please, take your mind off of the wrestling right now. I understand that you’re learning how to separate your career from yourself and that it’s a process but you’re going to be alright.”
“Not when I’m being used as a henchwoman with the promise of a lesser title than what I had being dangled in front of me…”
“It’s not worth being upset about Julianna…” Ally assured me. “Think about what you have right now, you know like your mom… and Liam…”
“If it were me, I’d rather have those two things over a world championship. You can win another world championship, but you’re never going to have another mother. I suppose technically you can have another boyfriend…”
“Personally Christy, I don’t think she’ll find anyone better than Liam so I wouldn’t entertain that. Jules, hey… we totally get that you’re in a bad place and we definitely get why. But, we’re here for you. We always have been. We’ve been your ride and dies for how long now? You’ve got great things happening for you in your career despite what just happened in SCW, alright?”
I was starting to at least calm down now.
“Put the wrestling stuff away and don’t even worry about that stupid match…” Christy added. “...or at least don’t worry about it until tomorrow. Tonight? Have a drink with us, have a girls night out like the old days and just don’t think about SCW, okay?”
I took another sip of my drink.
“Okay…” I said with a sigh. “...for tonight? I put all of that away. Right now, the fact that you both forgave me for being so distant is enough for me.”
My best friends praised me for this and we had a quick toast. I felt a little more whole catching up with them again after losing sight of things for a while but I also knew that this was a temporary thing just to get through all the feelings that have been bogging me down.
The healing from Into the Void had officially started…
June 18th
With the tour over, my “weekly dinners” at my mother’s were back on as scheduled. I was quietly sitting on the couch, longingly watching back that second match with Kayla, still trying to sift through the emptiness that was fading, but still there. I was obsessively rewinding and fast-forwarding trying to nitpick any little flaw of my own game I could find and before long, my mother walked toward the outlet and unplugged the television.
“Let it go, honey…” she told me as she came down to sit on the couch with me. “...you’ve gotten just about what you can get out of it.”
All I could do was sigh at this point.
“Remember what we talked about: the outcome isn’t going to define you at all. Now, I get that you’re not such a fan of what’s coming up and I know you’re not the biggest fan of ‘settling’ for another title. But you wouldn’t be settling. It’s a longer road back to where you want to be again than you wanted, but you will get there. You’re in one of those ‘smell the roses’ phases right now. Though, I do admit seeing that result did pain me…”
“I’m sorry mother…” I said, feeling regretful over what I just heard.
“I should be the one apologizing…” my mother confessed. “I didn’t help you enough to win that match and that’s on me.”
“Don’t blame yourself, for god’s sake. I appreciate that you’ve always been responsible but don’t say that. As you once told me, you can do everything in the book and cover every base that you can leading up to any match and it still doesn’t go your way. I hate to say it, but that was one of those matches. Those mental exercises were a great help, I’m not going to lie. It really was eye opening and I’m starting to see the bigger picture a little more clearly.”
“I’m glad that I could help, even if that didn’t go how we wanted.”
“Truth be told, the best part about this… and I’m referring to my entire career in SCW up to this point and not just the world title… is the fact that we’ve gotten closer and I really do appreciate what you’ve been able to do for me for nearly the last year more than I can put into words.”
My mother smiled and I knew how much this meant to her.
“I did everything I could to help you push through so many things. I know that your world title reign, and more so the fact that you were in that picture so fast, put a burden on you. I HIGHLY doubt this is a case for someone that’s accomplished as much as you have, but if you ever need me for anything… oh who am I kidding, I don’t think there’s anything else I can do for you unfortunately.”
My mother began to stand up, but I gently grabbed her by the arm, resulting in her sitting back down.
“Actually, I DO need you!”
My mother’s eyes widened with shock.
“Something is missing. I know I’ve done all these amazing things in SCW, but the truth is, I’m not whole as a wrestler yet. I’m not whole as a person. All I’ve ever been trained on is my father’s way of doing things in the ring and of course, with the abuse he put me through, I’ve wrestled most of my career as a shattered woman. But what you did for me in Hawaii… with how I cleared out the clutter in my mind and all? I felt that. It was different and I feel like that’s what I need more of to be better. I need to know more, mother…
…about you, your wrestling career, your life in Germany, how you were trained, how you wrestled, all of that. I’ve never seen any tapes of your career. I feel like if I know more about you, the culture you grow up in, what you were unable to pass down to me because of my father’s interference, that I can grow, get better, be at the best that I can be. That’s what’s missing, mother. I know it’s been five years, but if you can show me what you know in that ring…”
“You want me to train you? I’ve added five years and lost a kidney since the last time I did any training with anyone…”
“I understand. You don’t have to…”
“But I’ll do it…” my mother said, stunning me. “You’re the only person I would do this for, you know that, right?”
I nodded.
“I agree with everything you said. It’s exactly what you need. I’ve been out of it for years, so I need a little bit to get back into ring shape, alright?”
“I understand…”
My mother and I exchanged a warm embrace at that point.
“Listen, you’re doing amazing…” my mother reassured me. “You’re going to pull through this. You’ve overcome harsher adversities than this and if you can do what you’ve done in SCW without being ‘whole’, then God, I can only imagine how you’re going to be when all the pieces come together.”
We broke our embrace at that point.
“Thank you…” I said to her as she got up and went back into the kitchen.
I wasn’t sure how, but now I knew things were about to become even better than before…
June 21
Downtown Denver. I didn’t try to do anything too fancy in regards to my location as I stayed behind in my hotel. Into the Void has essentially passed at this point, but I still had a prevalent anger in me that was stemming from the situation that I found myself in this Sunday. There was only one outlet I could let that anger on and I wasn’t feeling bad about the fact that it wasn’t the fault of said outlet…
“I’ll start off by saying this…
This entire situation fucking SUCKS! I’m not talking about Into the Void and being out of the world title picture. I’m not talking about having to take the long road back to get there. I can manage that. I have overcome much worse adversity over my career considering that when I first broke out, I was a joke that everyone loved to laugh at and was never taken seriously. The situation that SUCKS is what is happening on Sunday with having to team up with Alexandra Calaway to face Harper Mason in a handicap match. You’d think with our history, I’d be mad with teaming up with Alexandra, but it’s not that.
Hell, it’s not even the idea of ‘moving down’... and I use that term sarcastically by the way… to the Internet Championship. If there is one woman that can dethrone Tempest for the Internet Championship, it’s me and I see that as a goal well worth chasing. But to be USED as a fucking PAWN in someone else’s fucking game? THAT’S what sucks! I don’t give a shit about Victoria’s little petty grudge that she has going on with Harper. I don’t fucking care that she wants to make her life miserable. This is NOT something I want to be dragged into and I REFUSE to be a henchwoman. I’m better than that! I’ve proven that I am fucking better than that, but unfortunately for you, Harper, the cards were dealt the way that they are and this is one of those matches where attitude determines everything.
And of course with YOU, instead of trying to take on the adversity, you choose to throw a damn tantrum on Twitter, you choose to have a bad attitude about it. You talk about how things suck, or whatnot. I mean, I’d hate to be in your situation, but it’s how you handle it, Harper. Of course, this isn’t the first time you’ve handled a big challenge or a brutal situation against you badly. It wasn’t that long ago when you faced Kayla Richards, am I right? The first mistake was acknowledging that you were the underdog. I personally feel like that’s a stupid idea. The outcome didn’t go the way I wanted to, but when I faced Kayla both times, I never saw myself like that. I know other people saw it like that, but I never fucking did. I never bitched about my situation. You on the other hand? You just like to drown yourself in this mental complex of how everything is so fucking difficult and how you’re the victim one moment and the next you’re acting like this cocky shit that acts like she’s got everything figured out…
CLEARLY, Harper… you don’t…
Not when you’re boasting about facing the likes of Sam Marlowe, Crystal Hilton… and all these other over the hill bitches…
Hell, if you’re not doing that, you’re mentioning the same old shit in your promo…
How you’re a rookie, how you know some form of martial arts, how you were trained by Team Hero, how you were a high school wrestling standout…
So? Tell me the biggest win of your career in SCW so far and I’ll be honest with you… whatever match you mention, I honestly wouldn’t remember it. You’ve got this whole “Slaytanic Avenger” thing going on with you and you act like being a carbon copy diet version of your trainers is going to get you anywhere but trust me, Harper… as someone who originally started as a diet version of my dad when I first started… it won’t fucking work. Neither is going into a big match the way you did with Kayla admitting that beating her would be a miracle and that you have no aspirations to be a world champion right now. I get that you’re young and trying to find your way, but there are two golden rules that you broke there…
One… you NEVER… EVER count yourself out of ANY match. PERIOD! Saying that beating Kayla would’ve been a miracle? Calling it an upset? You fucked yourself before the match started and I swear to god idiots like Ariana do the exact same shit.
Look at my match with Courtney at High Stakes last year. People were calling it an upset before and after the fact. Did I EVER go into that match thinking that I was going to pull a miracle or an upset? FUCK NO! I went into that match BELIEVING that I was going to win and that’s exactly what I did. Even earlier than High Stakes, when I faced Roxi in just my third match in. Shoot, people thought I was about to eat a whole bunch of shit and that I stood no chance because it’s Roxi. I didn’t listen to that shit. I didn’t give in. I exploited her weaknesses, I brought them out to the forefront, I mentally took her out of her fucking game, and I beat her ass and rather than eat shit and accept defeat, she was trying to bully me into a rematch.
You know… like how you’ve been bitching and begging to get a rematch with Bea Barnhart…
Like teacher, like student, right?
I mean I know my father was a fucking asshole, but I’d still rather be trained by him then be trained by someone like that self-absorbed, two-faced hypocrite.
And for the second golden rule… if you’re not in this business to be a world champion, then what the fuck are you doing here?
I shouldn’t be surprised. This defeatist attitude of yours makes you feel like you’re incapable of being world champion. Currently? You are… in spades. You’re bitching about Kayla being arrogant, but look in the god damn mirror. Vlog after vlog after vlog of you clearly showing that you don’t even have any goals, don’t even have any real aspirations besides the basic ‘do my best and hope for the best’. Shoot, it’s no wonder Victoria won that Queen of the Day match and not you… especially when there you went again relying on a miracle and not whatever abilities you have in you…
OBVIOUSLY you’re going to come into this match thinking that you’re going to need a miracle too, right?”
At this point, I was pretty annoyed with Harper that I paused and rolled my eyes.
“I came into this company, on a career low. My career’s momentum was at the bottom, honestly. Nothing was going my way. Yet, I won that world championship at High Stakes in just my sixth match. In theory, that’s a miracle right?
HELL NO!
I ALWAYS had it in me! I had it in me to pull off what I did with the World Championship, holding onto it for six months, maintaining an undefeated streak during that entire time. Others may have called it a miracle, but NOT ME… and I’M the only one that fucking matters in that. I could’ve cracked long before I did.
I didn’t.
I could’ve collapsed after Into the Void and decided to pull a Courtney Pierce.
I didn’t.
So what’s going to happen, starting with you… as much as I don’t LIKE the circumstances here… is that I’m EMBRACING the long road back to get to where I was before ESPECIALLY since the truth of the matter is, I pulled off everything that I did with the world championship when I wasn’t even at my absolute BEST as a professional wrestler. Don’t get me wrong, you have to be THAT fucking good just to even pull off what I did, but the fact that I haven’t even peaked as a whole yet? Not even close? That tells me what I need to know. It proves that I’m a strong fucking woman. You don’t have to like me or even respect me but even the biggest fucking hater with a brain can look at what I’ve done in the context I am putting it in right now and admit that I’m strong as fucking hell.
Even KAYLA would admit that now…
So imagine, Harper, if I pulled off what I did when I haven’t even hit peak form yet, just imagine how fucking dominant and scary I am going to be when I DO hit peak form. You know why I bucked the trend for as long as I did, Harper?
Because of my attitude, that’s why: NEVER went into a match feeling defeated, or feeling like I needed to pull a miracle, or that bullshit, underdog ‘upset’ garbage. I manifested my own destiny in this company and the ability to manifest your own destiny, Harper… THAT is THE biggest fucking thing that you lack and that is THE one thing that is going to hold you back from ever accomplishing anything significant in this business. Should you ever hit a point where you discover how to manifest your own destiny instead of having this attitude that… I admit, I once had myself… your path is already set before you because of everyone else’s expectations… then you WILL get through whatever fucking ceiling that you want to break.
I HATE to admit that I empathize with you a little because when I was closer to your age nearly a decade ago, I carried that same, hopeless, “woe is me”, negative attitude.
And I would always question WHY I’d never break through and accomplish what I wanted…
So I GET that feeling… and it SUCKS when it’s your biggest weakness as it once was mine.
I don’t see you overcoming that attitude anytime soon and if you ever do, you’re certainly not going to overcome it by Sunday because it took me YEARS to master the change in mindset I’ve been working on… and I didn’t technically come CLOSE to mastering a different attitude than yours until I signed here.
It’s funny because… you know… I can be like Courtney and see this as a demotion… look at where ATTITUDE got her, Harper and tell me you want to be like her.
You’re on that path the way you act with your constant anger and doom and gloom when the odds seemingly get stacked against you.
But no… it’s a new beginning for me. That’s how I’m looking at it. I’m a prideful bitch and I’ve had to swallow so much shit the last two weeks but I’ll show SCW that I’m only just getting started at the end of the day.
I could’ve been like SO many other Bombshells that have lost a world championship and fallen out of the picture: quit… or be a half-ass, lack of passion, hanger on the way Sam Marlowe has been for years. I could’ve gone ‘what’s the point? I’ll never get back there again’.
But no… I’ve far and long outgrown that mindset because when it comes to challenges, adversity, the long road, pulling yourself up from the gutter and all of that? When it comes to facing long odds and a stacked deck against you?
I’m THANKFULLY not you…
I don’t buckle at adversity, I make it my bitch. I don’t care about the long odds because in my mind? They don’t fucking exist to me. I don’t crumble at a stacked deck… especially since I was thrown into the fire of the World title picture only six matches in… a hypothetical stacked deck situation… and I fucking survived AND thrived in it.
You’ve got a fucking long way to go before you can even call yourself a complete, tried and true professional wrestler. So go ahead and be angry, whine about how your situation sucks.
I could’ve done the same. I could’ve done something REALLY stupid like not show up on Sunday, quit the company in protest, or not even partake in the match at all… but nope… because I’m not YOU!
WHEN you lose on Sunday Harper…
It’s not because of the two on one odds against you.
It’s not primarily because Alexandria and I are fucking better wrestlers than you and we both know it… though that will be A factor…
It’s because, with your little temper tantrum, your defeatist attitude in general, your inane ability to make the smallest pebble look like Mt. Kilimanjaro, the way you’re going into this match openly saying your situation sucks and this is going to be horrible for you or anything close to that as a whole…
You’ve basically manifested your defeat before the bell even rang.
Not like that’s anything new for you considering you’re always trying so hard to pray for miracles and act like almost every win is an “upset”...
See you soon, Tempest…”
I rolled my eyes and shut off the camera. Some anger was still burning through me, but I knew that despite my anger at the situation Victoria Lyons put me in, I had to have the best attitude possible… UNLIKE Harper… and take advantage of the big picture in front of me.
Sunday was going to be the real start of my ‘long road back’...
And whereas someone like Harper would bitch and cry about it if she were in my shoes?
I’m ready to travel that long fucking road…
