It was the week of the second show of 2020 and the homecoming tour as well underway with the first show in Atlanta, Georgia being a roaring success, this week’s show was taking place in Lawrenceville, Georgia, the hometown of Bill and Bea Barnhart and as usual it was packed with action packed matches, one such match saw the young prodigy Andrea Hernandez taking on Jessie Salco in singles competition and after Jessie had an abysmal 2019 and was looking at make 2020 her year but Andrea wasn’t about to make that easy for her, can Jessie win?
Slow Pour Brewing, Lawrenceville, Georgia
Friday the 10th of January 2020, 11:00am
Happy fucking New Year.
Oh sure, there’s a good chance that I’ll be able to wrestle in my home city for the first time since I made my wrestling debut at the age of eighteen (fuck, that makes me feel old!) but whilst we continue to go through the bible belt of America, or moron central as I like to call it, I presently have no idea when, if ever, we’ll reach Miami.
Then again, knowing my luck, next week’s show will be in Miami and they won’t book me!
But in the meantime, I have my first match of 2020 to worry about and it’s against one of the runners up from the Six Pack Challenge match for the World Bombshell Championship Andrea Hernandez who’s most notable achievement in that match was making a hell of an entrance via a Shooting Star Press off the top of her pod onto the other Bombshells and then being eliminated after trying, and failing, to do her finisher from the top of another pod on Crystal.
You could almost hear me say “called it” from the back as Alicia hit her with the Georgia Drop, only now she’s looking to bounce back from that with a win over me, like that’s going to fucking happen.
As it turns out, despite being described as a city on Google, there’s fuck all to do in Lawrenceville and now I understand why someone as boring as the Barnharts could’ve come from the same state as Alicia! But I didn’t want to do a “wondering around this boring as all fuck city” promo like Caleb did last week because after all, he had his Labrador Puppy to make things interesting! We eventually settled on this craft brewery but not because we wanted to get drunk, no, they promised board games and I figured that that was better than nothing!
Long story short, we found a young couple with a Cards against Humanity pack, found a table and started playing a few rounds with us.
“Okay, I’m the Czar.” Jake announced once the male half of the couple we were playing with received the winning card from the las round, I was in the lead with eight with Shane in second with seven, Jake in third with five and the couple tied for last with four each. “This could be messy, what’s a girl’s best friend?”
“I’m sure it won’t be that messy.” I commented before I quickly played the card in my hand, soon afterwards the others played their cards and Jake picked them up.
“What’s a girl’s best friend? Daddy’s Credit Card, that is so true it hurts.” Jake joked as he revealed the card. “Synergistic Management Solutions, someone’s burning a card, Big Black Dick, I’m almost tempted to just end it here, slowly inserting a mason jar into the anus?” Jake asked as he looked around the table. “I’m almost scared to pick that one, and last but not least……….” Jake trailed off as he looked at the last card. “Who picked “The Size of my Penis”?” Jake asked the table and I raised my hand slowly. “Jess, I can’t believe I’m about to say this to my step-sister, but you don’t have a penis.”
“I know, I think I would’ve noticed that by now.” I responded with a grin and Jake shook his head before passing the card to me and we each drew one from the pile. “Guess I’m the Czar.” I commented before drawing a black card. “TSA Guidelines now Prohibit blank on Airplanes……...” I hadn’t even finished reading the card out, but Shane slapped his card down. “What did you just play?”
“You’ll have to wait and find out.” Shane responded with a grin and I shook my head as the others played their cards.
“Okay, TSA Guidelines now Prohibit………” I face-palmed at the card with my free hand before looking my husband dead in the eye. “This is your card isn’t it? Mohammed (Praise Be Upon Him)”.” I sighed and Jake had to stand up and walk around the brewery for a few minutes because he was laughing so hard, “Yeah, I’m not going to bother reading the rest, you win.” I said before quickly passing the black card to Shane as the young couple barely contained their laughter. “One more round before we wrap up?”
“Sounds good to me and I’m the Czar.” The female half of the young couple (Sally) responded once Jake had sat back down before we drew a white card each and she drew her card. “Blank, kid tested, mother approved.” Sally added and her husband Shaun quickly played a card as did I, Jake and Shane soon followed, and we were set to go. “Okay, No Clothes On, Penis in Vagina, I don’t even want to know, an unforgettable night of passion, okay……….” Sally read the last two cards and face-palmed. “I’m really being forced to chose between an M16 Assault Rifle and AIDS?!”
“Yeah, I forfeit,” Jake said as he put his hands up as did Shane. “We’re not beating those!”
“I have to give it to the M16 Assault Rifle, to relevant to not win.” Sally quickly decided and I grinned before excepting the black card. “I guess that makes Jessie the winner.”
“And hopefully this won’t be the only thing I win this weekend.” I muttered under my breath as Sally and Shaun gathered up the cards and put them away in the Cards against Humanity pack, we said our goodbyes, I signed their autographs and we were quickly going our separate ways, I wasn’t much of a drinker so this place had little of interest to me as we left the brewery. “You guys mind waiting in the car whilst I do my promo?” I asked and the boys nodded before they hopped in the car at which point, I got started on my promo.
“The New Year’s finally here and we’re right in the middle of Hickville USA for the first part of the Homecoming tour, I’ve been in this state a week and I’m still baffled as to how someone like Alicia Lukas can come from the inbreeding capital of the country! But that’s not why you’re here, no, you’re here because my first match of the year is this Sunday and it’s against Andrea Hernandez, someone who is pissed because she came in fourth in a match that featured some of the best Bombshells on the roster and Christina Rose.”
And people call me whiny.
“I was in a similar situation to you Andrea three years ago when I first competed for the World Bombshell Championship in a Six Pack Challenge not unlike the match you competed in at December to Dismember but with two hey differences, one: I finished third ultimately being eliminated by the runner up Sam Marlowe, two: I didn’t bitch about how I did in the match because in my mind I proved that I belonged in the Main Event, if anything the bitching only started when I found out that one of the Bombshells I eliminated was getting a title shot because it was what the fans wanted and I was bring stuck in a pointless tag team street fight to open that show, and people wonder why I’m so bitter.”
But I digress.
“My point is Andre that you just need to shut the fuck up and take the loss, otherwise you won’t get any further than you’ve already had, and before anyone on twitter starts making “pot calling the kettle black” jokes it’s called learning from my mistakes and this Sunday I’m going to demonstrate how I learn from my mistakes by beating Andrea and winning my first match of 2020 because after the shit year I had last year, I can only go up from here!”
And Andrea?
“And it’s appropriate that your nicknamed “The Phoenix” Andrea because like you did in the Six Pack Challenge your about to crash and burn! Granted, it won’t be as painful as missing your finisher from the top of the pod or being hit with the Georgia Drop but all the same, this phoenix is about to crash and burn as I enter 2020 with one goal in mind, win the World Bombshell Championship by the end of the year, yeah, I guess you could call that my New Year’s Resolution.”
And with that I decided to wrap things up.
“And unlike most New Year’s Resolutions, I have every intention of seeing this through, especially since we’ll be passing through my home city of Miami, Florida at some point in the year but until then, Andrea you are nothing but a stepping stone for me as I climb up the rankings of the Bombshell division, this is the “Unsainted Angel” Jessie Salco signing off, 2019 managed to make a martyr of me by turning out to be a shit year but 2020 won’t kill the saint in me as I can go only go up whilst Andrea can only crash and burn.”
I went off towards the car as the scene fades.
