Don't Fear The Reaper!

QUOTE

â€œYou become a changed person when you face the reaper and deny him your soul.â€
â€• Martha Sweeney

The Reaper. That is what my opponent this week calls himself. Ha. Reaper my ass. All you are is a tattooed emo kid, who thinks being grim dark is "so cool". Newsflash bitch, goth is so 15 years ago. Josh-A-Mania? That is eternal.

1:47 PM

We open on:

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Amanda Banxxx, the "World's Hottest Foot Model" 8 years running, and the apple of Josh's eye. She smiles as she crawls across the bed, laying on her stomach, face and feet facing the camera.

AMANDA: When a man fades from the mortal plane, there are some who believe he rides the River Styx, carried on a boat piloted by a black clad figure. This figure is known as the Reaper in many cultures. The taker of souls.

Many years ago, when my Joshie was in the the deepest throes of his depression and his drug fueled downward spiral, he stood face to face with the scythe carrying mythical being. He waved a finger in his face and told him, "No. Not today." And with the resolve usually reserved for Gods, he was able to beat his demons, to deny the reaper, to deny death itself.

So ask yourself, Mr. Collins, what can you, a mere pretender, do to him then?

6:56 PM

We switch to Josh Woodrum, dressed in a million dollar suit, standing in front of the SCW banner. He has a smile on his face as he begins.

JOSH: Once long ago, in the ether of darkness, after a long night of clanging and banging, clanging and banging, I took a wrong turn and found myself staring face to face, eye to eye, with that old robe covered demon, that creature we all fear, the embodiment of death, the Reaper himself.

And brother, I could smell the madness on his breath, I could see the glee in his eyes, as he thought he had found another soul. As he looked me in the eye, as he beckoned me to follow, to enter into the nether-realm, I took a deep breath, and I told him, "Hell no, brother." I told him my time wasn't now, it wasn't on his watch.

He didn't take kindly to that, boys and girls, and he threw his robe off to reveal a physique rivaling my own. He challenged me, right then and there, to mortal combat. But challenging an Immortal to mortal combat is a gamble of the un-wise. So right then and there, with the power of Josh-A-Mania and mustering every bit of strength I had, I beat the reaper.

I beat death. And I went on to win numerous titles, to reclaim my self, to gain my redemption. But trust me, I never, NEVER, forgot that night. I've never forgotten the smell, the taste of the air, the look in his eyes. I know, that one day, round two will happen, and when it does, it will take everything in me to emerge victorious.

Which brings me to my opponent this week. Marcus Collins, you are claiming to be something you are not. An immortal being, a taker of souls, the embodiment of death. But you, you're just a man. A normal man. You think guyliner and tattoos and some grim-dark emo music makes you a Reaper? You think you're some sort of tough guy?

No. You're a pretender, a poser. You are nothing more than some millennial who thinks it's cool to be all "woe is me, my life is hard, and aren't I a bad-ass with my spiked collar?" I know the truth hurts, but it's ok. Because the truth shall set you free, and the truth is this, brother, Josh Woodrum is greater than death. Josh Woodrum is greater than the Reaper, and yes, Josh Woodrum is greater than you.

You see Marcus, I remember the smell, the taste of death. I looked into his eyes, and when I look into yours I see nothing, nothing but a wanna-be. Marcus, when you look into my eyes, you see the passion, the fire, the burning desire to be the best. I have beaten the best of the best, I've held titles everywhere, and I've ended careers.

I say all of that to say this Marcus. When we lock up, when we, as they say, tussle, you will realize quickly, that you are not facing a mortal man, you are facing something that even gods marvel at. You are facing the man, the myth, the one all the girls wanna be with, you are facing Josh Woodrum, the harbinger of Josh-A-Mania, fueled by the power of JoshBottom.

You are facing the Creator of Chaos, the Epitome of Excellence, the best of the best, above all the rest, punk ass beating, porn star pleasing, fire breathing dragon. Marcus, I denied the reaper once, and this Sunday, I'll deny the reaper again. For unlike him, you are just a fake ass bitch.

Brother, you have entered the dragons den, and my fire will burn you. This Sunday, you will realize the truth. You are not the Reaper, you are nothing but another victim. Brother, there is one more thing, one more truth you will realize. And this one, well, it is the most important one of all.

That truth is simple, it is the purest truth there is. And you will realize it, it will dawn in your little mind, as you crawl back to locker room, broken, bloody, wondering what the hell happened. At that moment, when the Reaper begins to move in your direction, you will realize the ultimate truth, brother, the truth that Josh Woodrum is, 100%, SIMPLY IMPRESSIVE!!!

With that we fade out.

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JoshWoodrum

Don't Fear The Reaper!