BEST WRESTLER
NARRATOR: This should be interesting. I just got word that Sheriff Andy Taylor and Deputy Barney Fife are in another heated argument and this time it concerns the sport of wrestling. We quickly go to the Sheriff’s Office in Mayberry, North Carolina to listen in on the argument.
BARNEY FIFE: Andy I’m telling you that J2H is the best wrestler in Sin City Wrestling.
ANDY TAYLOR: Barney we all know that James Tuscini is the best wrestler in Sin City Wrestling.
BARNEY FIFE: No way! J2H is the World Heavyweight Champion and he has held that title longer than anyone else in the Federation so he’s the best.
ANDY TAYLOR: And in two weeks James Tuscini will pass up J2H as the 3rd longest-reigning Roulette Champion so that would make James Tuscini better than J2H at least in the Roulette Championship Division.
BARNEY FIFE: Well I know better than you Andy. Remember that I was on the Mayberry High School Wrestling Team.
ANDY TAYLOR: Barney I was on the Mayberry High School Wrestling Team and the only thing I saw you do was act as Water Boy and you washed towels and jock straps for the team members.
BARNEY FIFE: Well that still made me part of the Wrestling Team.
ANDY TAYLOR: You know what Barney? Let’s agree to disagree on this one but let’s agree that we go over to the Malt Shop and have a couple of extra large ice cream sundaes okay?
BARNEY FIFE: Now you’re talking. Let’s go.
The scene switches to the Verdun Auditorium located in Montreal, Quebec, Canada, where Sin City Wrestling is holding Climax Control 158. James Tuscini and Uncle Pinky are in the Gym where James is working out in a sparring match against a wrestler we don’t know the name of. Uncle Pinky is in the corner lending support and encouragement.
James makes quick work of the sparring partner when he works over the arm and shoulder of the wrestler and then applies the Mafia Hit Flying Hammer Lock on him and the opponent submits to prevent permanent injury. Tuscini drops his opponent to the mat and then he slides out of the ring to join Uncle Pinky at ringside.
JAMES: I was told that Sheriff Andy Taylor and Deputy Barney Fife got into a heated argument over who they feel is the best wrestler in Sin City Wrestling.
PINKY: Yep. Barney Fife said he feels it is J2H as he has the longest reign as World Heavyweight Champion. Andy Taylor said it was you because in two weeks you will pass up J2H as the 3rd longest reigning Roulette Champion. Both are correct so they decided to agree to disagree and gorge themselves on some ice cream sundaes.
JAMES: Hmmm. Gorging on ice cream sundaes? Sounds like something we need to do after we get cleaned up and refreshed after this sparring session. And, Uncle, me and Dmitri did what we said we would do. We defeated the current Tag Team Champions, Team BJ, and we have made our names known in the Tag Team Division. By the way did you get the Climax Control 158 match assignments yet?
PINKY: Yes and for crying out loud you are the Main Event again! This time you defend the Roulette Championship against Johnny Tsunami.
JAMES: Seriously? This is the best Management could do? Johnny we are going to meet again. What’s that? You don’t remember when we met in a wrestling match prior to this one? Let me refresh your memory. It was Sunday, June 26, 2016, at Climax Control 151. What’s that Johnny? You still don’t remember? Ahem. It was a tag team match where me and Dmitri, the Unholy Alliance, faced off against you and Caleb Houston in a tag team match. Dmitri got the pin on Houston so I’m sure you will try to make the excuse that since I didn’t pin you or make you submit in that match then I won’t have a chance of defeating you this coming Sunday. I suppose you will also try to use the excuse that when Joshua Acquin ran to ringside and distracted your team that you lost due to that distraction. All your excuses won’t explain away that loss and they won’t prevent you from receiving another loss to me this Sunday.
James and Uncle Pinky start packing stuff up in their bags to get ready to return to their dressing room to relax.
JAMES: Tsunami I see you are pathetic and bumbling as Deputy Barney Fife. Did you know that Sheriff Taylor requires that Deputy Fife keep his empty revolver in his holster at all times? Yes he requires that Deputy Fife carry an unloaded revolver in his holster. And on top of that Sheriff Taylor gives Deputy Fife only ONE bullet and he requires that Deputy Fife keep that single bullet inside his shirt pocket and with the pocket buttoned. There’s a reason for that Johnny. Sheriff Taylor knows that if Barney Fife were to carry a loaded revolver in his holster, even with only one bullet in the revolver, that Deputy Fife would be a hazard to himself and others. That’s so much like you Tsunami. You are a hazard to yourself and you were a hazard to your Tag Team partner in Bad Company.
PINKY: Tsunami we expect you to try to use the reasoning that you are smaller, lighter, and quicker in the ring than James is and that is your advantage. Excuse me but you were smaller, lighter, and faster than Dmitri and James on June 26, 2016, at Climax Control 151 and you lost. Where the hell was your advantage that day huh?
JAMES: Since I won the Roulette Title on May 1, 2016, by defeating Steve Ramone I’ve successfully defended my Roulette Title FIVE TIMES against the following wrestlers:
ONE: Against Steve Ramone, Ryan Keys, and Mat Spears in a Pinfalls Count Anywhere match on June 5, 2016, at Into the Void V.
TWO: Against Casey Williams on June 19, 2016, at Climax Control 150.
THREE: Against Ryan Keys at Climax Control 153 on July 10, 2016, in a Strap Match.
FOUR: Against Chris Shipman, Casey Williams, and Ryan Keys, at Summer XXXTreme IV on July 31, 2016.
FIVE: Against Travis Nathaniel Andrews (TNA) in a Submission Only No Disqualification match on August 14, 2016.
JAMES: So you think you can get the job done when these wrestlers couldn’t? So you think you can eclipse me in my accomplishments? You think your shit don’t stink? Trust me when you take a shit and people walk past your dressing room them have to don gas masks to keep from passing out.
PINKY: Johnny you are nothing more than another in a long line of sacrifices Management has sent against James. You challengers are all the same and you all haven’t learned your lesson yet. I find it shocking that a person can stick a metal fork into a live electrical outlet and get shocked to hell and back and then they continue to do it several more times. Did they honestly believe that sticking the metal fork in the electrical outlet again wasn’t gonna shock them again? How many times do wrestlers have to get sent up against James and get shocked to hell and back before they realize they need to stop? How many times will James need to shock you by defeating you to get you to understand you can’t defeat James and you need to stop?
JAMES: You’re wasting your breath Uncle. These other wrestlers are not going to get it until they see me go into the first week of October and become the longest-reigning Roulette Champion. Then they will finally drop to their knees and bow in honor of my accomplishment.
PINKY: Oh, James, you are so intelligent. You are the Brain of our relationship and you are the one who knows what he wants and how to accomplish it. By the way James the Brain what are we going to do this Sunday night?
JAMES: (Doing his best Brain voice from the cartoon Pinky and the Brain) We're going to do what we always do Pinky. Take over the World!
At that Pinky and the Brain reference both James and Pinky bust out in uncontrollable laughter. After laughing for a significant period of time they both manage to regain their composure and continue packing their gym bags.
JAMES: Johnny I’m gonna tell it like it is. You are slow, dense, and untalented, and you are confused immensely if you believe you can defeat me. I will state it like this. You’re one of those people who are so stupid that you can cut one foot off the top of a blanket, sew it onto the bottom of the same blanket, and you honestly believe you have a blanket that is one foot longer than the one you started with. I assure you, beyond any doubt, you will come up short against me as you would come up short doing what I just said you would do with a blanket. All you need to know is that I am working on maintaining my reputation as one of the top names to have graced Sin City Wrestling. One day I will lose the Roulette Title Belt but it won’t be this Sunday.
PINKY: Thanks for joining us today for the sparring match and some valuable words of wisdom. See you on Sunday night.
James and Uncle Pinky pick up their gym bags and walk out of the gym. The cameraman keeps focused on the pair until they exit the gym and the doors close behind them and then the Network cuts to a commercial break.
