"Is it my boobs, when you look at me?"
"They are so perky, I'm sure you'll agree."
"Could it be my walk? Or my derriere?"
"That's so perfect, beyond compare?"
"Super duper gorgeous, every hair in place."
"All the men love, this gorgeous face."
"You can't deny the looks that I've got."
"I'm everything, that you are not."
"Twisted Sister! I love you!"
The limo pulls up outside of the Hollywood red carpet premiere of the feature film, "Twisted Intentions: A True Story." The limo slows to a stop and the driver steps out as the media converges along the walk, hoping for a glimpse of the feature starlette of the evening. Their wait is not to last long as the door is opened and with the driver's hand to assist her, Twisted Sister emerges from the interior, clad in a black, leather gown adorned with chains and with a red fur draped over her shoulders.
A real fur, mind you. Not one of those fake ones the PC police would advise you to wear.
Christian Siriano: "This is Christian Siriano, season four winner of Project Runway and the fashion guru of the red carpet arrivals this year. We've already seen the rather drab, faux pas fashion of the sub-stars of this film, like Chris Evans, Brad Pitt and Natalie Portman. The one we have been waiting for has arrived!"
"You look beautiful Twisted Sister!"
Twisted Sister sashays along the red carpet en route to the entrance of the theater, pausing long enough to spin on her heel in a full circle and blow the cameras a kiss, setting off a multitude of flashes. She lowers the shades over her eyes as the flamboyant Christian Siriano approaches her with microphone in hand and the camera crew for NBC, ABC, UPI, Mrs. Paul and Gay and Lesbian Alliance all following to catch a closer glimpse of the mega starlette.
Christian Siriano: "Twisted Sister! Can I and the millions of fans you have out there reading in RP Land get a word with you?"
Twisted Sister stares at the fashion guru known as the Head of the House of Siriano, her eyes wide as she leans in and practically sniffs at his feathered hair style. She shakes her head as if she had to sneeze -- or the fumes from his hair bothered her, and leaned back to regain her composure, striking a pose with her butt poking outward.
Christian Siriano: "Twisted Sister, as much as I love having you sniff me, I can't help but admire the fact that you are wearing your famous fur, made from the hair you've torn out of your opponents's scalps! It is a one of a kind and unique garment, the only red fur that I know of. Is it true that it's colored red from the blood of all the women you've torn open in your extra curricular activities as a pro wrestler?"
Christian's answer comes in the form of a maniacal smile and a giggle of sadistic glee as she peers at the fashion reporter, her shades dangling halfway off of her face while her earrings, baubles she stole off of a Christian tree just last season, dangle from her earlobes.
Christian Siriano: "And less than 48 hours from this world-wide premiere, you will be traveling to Japan to do battle inside the ring against a B list celebrity in her own right, Crystal Millar?"
The answer to this query comes in the form of Twisted Sister shaking her head rapidly while jetting her tongue out while blowing a classic 'raspberry'.
Twisted Sister: "PTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
Christian Siriano: "Incredible! And we have footage of some of your past matches. Can we roll that footage?"
The camera does as it's told, because -- you know, I'm writing this promo so it has to!
It shows highlights of the Twisted Queen of the Ring doing battle with such notable competitors as Roxi Johnson, Delia Darling, Zuri Chastain, among others. Many of those women were beaten down into the canvas and reduced to bloody scraps, win, lose or draw.
The footage reel ends and resumes at the red carpet with Christian and Twisted Sister, and the flashes of the paparazzi cameras are blinding.
Christian Siriano: "Now what we have to wonder, and what is on the minds of all your mega number of fans, is after fighting top females like Roxi Johnson, Jessie Salco and Traci Patterson in main event level matches, WHY would you reduce yourself to relegating yourself against such a mediocre person like, Crystal Millar?"
Christian makes a face as if the mere mentioning of Crystal's name put a bad taste in his mouth, and a bad odor under his nose. Twisted Sister grabs him by the wrist and pulls his hand, and the microphone in it, closer to her.
Twisted Sister: "Because she ANNOYS me!!! She's not a Superstar! I'M a Megastar! A gigastar! I'm EVERYTHING SHE WANTS TO BE!!!"
Her screaming sends Christian reeling back a step and as soon as he recovers, he continues with the interview.
Christian Siriano: "Crystal Millar wants to be everything even the lowliest of scrubs is. But you are anything but. You are as high and mighty in the film industry world as you are in the ring, so would you care to give the world of RP Readers out there a word or two on your intentions towards that B flick hack before we go inside to enjoy another of your hit films?"
To answer this, Twisted Sister suddenly grabs Siriano and scoops the much smaller man up onto her shoulders in a fireman's carry and starts to spin him around and around ala the airplane spin!
Christian Siriano: WHOOOOOOAAAAAAA!!!!!
And she heaves him off and right into the crowd of photographers, sending them all scattering to the pavement! There is but a brief moment of silence before...
"Twisted Sister! Look over here!"
And she obliges, resuming her posing as the media continues to adore her, even Christian who returns to his feet on wobbly legs.
Pussy Willow: "What is she DOING?"
She asks as Twisted Sister spins around and strikes pose after pose in front of the monkey cage at the Okayama Zoo.
Doctor Kraven Moorehead: "I have absolutely no idea!"
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