“WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? NO! NO! NO!”
“THIS IS THE ONLY WAY…THIS IS HOW IT HAS TO BE!!!”
“YOU’RE A MADCAP FULL OF FOLLY IS WHAT YOU ARE!!!”
“MAYBE SO BUT DAMMIT I’M SEXY!!!”
“LANGUAGE!”
(There’s a raging commotion down the hallway and down further still into the basement, passing through the door and opening into a bright, vibrant room where Slappy McGoo, Jack Russow, Demetrius Spinelli, Emma Russow, Jami Burnett, and Alanah O’Connell-Russow all sitting around a table where Levi Russow lurks behind a DM screen. Slappy is pulling his hair out, locked in a heated debate with Spinelli.)
Slappy McGoo: THAT’S NOT EVEN- WHA- HOW DO YA NOT SPEC FOR THAT!?
Spinelli: THE JACKAL ASSUMED IT WOULD BE OKAY BEING THIS FAR INTO THE CRAWL!
Levi Russow: *weird voice* Oh not okay, never okays…
Emma Russow: *flatly and sarcastically* Oh baby. Oh baby. Bring that voice to the bedroom.
Levi Russow: …REALLY!?
Emma Russow: NO YOU DILAPIDATED TWIT!
Jami Burnett: Huh…wonder why Slap’s not callin’ that one…
Slappy McGoo: the “I” is okay, the “A” is tha curse word.
Spinelli: It’s FINE, it’s fine. Do we roll for initiative Darth Russow?
Levi Russow: Nnnnnnope!
Jack Russow: …oh God.
Slappy McGoo: We-...they ain’t attackin’?
Jack Russow: We’re dead!...we’re friggin’ DEAD!
Levi Russow: I need Slappy…
Slappy McGoo: OH NO!!!
Levi Russow: Spinelli…
Spinelli: May the Everlight shield me and guide my path.
Levi Russow: And Jami to roll a constitution check against-
(Suddenly a spanish guitar plays out of nowhere and we see the door fly open and everyone’s hair blow in the wind majestically as Jack has jumped up on his chair and in a high, shrill voice he wails as he strums…)
Jack Russow: COUNTERSPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELL!!!!!!!
*BZZT! BZZT!*
“Whatchu Gon’ Do When There’s Blood In The Water, the pri-”
(Jack and Alanah both look at their phones then back at each other and let out an exasperated sigh as they give each other a “its okay” smirk. They start to pack up and everyone starts to groan.)
Slappy McGoo: Surriously!? Ya gotta go NOW!?
Jack Russow: We’re sorry you guys but…you know how it goes.
Levi & Emma: Aaaaaall too well.
(Jack holds the door open for Alanah as they walk out of the garage and get into their vehicle and start back home, holding hands.)
Alanah O’Connell-Russow: …okay be honest, you just wanted to be a bard so you could rockstar didn’t you?
Jack Russow: I can neither confirm nor deny, my love.
Alanah O’Connell-Russow: I hope the twins haven’t been TOO much trouble…
Jack Russow: Iunno, that text was kinda frantic.
Alanah O’Connell-Russow: …when are we going to talk about it, Jack?
Jack Russow: …there’s nothing to discuss. I have faith.
Alanah O’Connell-Russow: But if we both draw different partners…
Jack Russow: That can’t happen.
Alanah O’Connell-Russow: It CAN and then what if we have to face each other?
Jack Russow: That’s not going to happen!
Alanah O’Connell-Russow: Jack!
Jack Russow: Ope! We’re home! Baby time, she comes!
Alanah O’Connell-Russow: This is NOT over!
-Later That Evening-
(Jack Russow is in the pillow fort he and Alanah can frequently be found in situated in the middle of their living area as we hear a knife shnikt and a woman scream. When she screams, Jack screams. The door to the room FLIES open and Jack screams again. It’s Alanah looking very…very…well, you’ll see.)
Alanah O’Connell-Russow: YOU’RE TEAMING WITH TWISTED SISTER!
(Jack screams one more time, this time like a little girl as Alanah rolls her eyes.)
Alanah O’Connell-Russow: Would you stop that!?
Jack Russow: Sorry…what’s a Twisted Sister?
Alanah O’Connell-Russow: …oh…oh honey…
(Moments later we see Jack sitting in front of a computer watching highlights as Alanah freezes it right on Twisted Sister’s face.)
Jack Russow: …fffffffffffffffffffFUCK that noise, I ain’t doin’ it.
Alanah O’Connell-Russow: Mo chroi, you already signe-
Jack Russow: I AIN’T DOIN’ IT THAT THINGS GONNA EAT ME!!! Wait…then who are YOU with!?
Alanah O’Connell-Russow: Todd Williams…and there’s more…
Jack Russow: …no…
Alanah O’Connell-Russow: I’m afraid so, my love.
Jack Russow: That’s fucking rigged! They can’t! You can’t get in the ring with…THAT!
Alanah O’Connell-Russow: Would you rather I fight you?
Jack Russow: I’d rather not face you at all!
Alanah O’Connell-Russow: Well suck it up, buttercup! It’s happening!
Jack Russow: Yaaaaay. Go Team “Please Don’t Hurt Me”.
–The Next Day–
(Jack Russow walks down a hallway towards the camera…sporting a new shirt that has been photoshopped of Jack running from Twisted Sister with #TeamPleaseDontHurtMe etched on it.)
Jack Russow: Fate is a fickle little bitch, isn’t she? See I thought it’d be fun…to stretch my legs after the birth of my beautiful children…who are doing fine, thanks for asking. Paddy drinks like a whale and little Elise is all smiles. But see I’m not here to talk about them…just like I have to face my own wife in this match. But I don’t want to TALK about that. Because you weren’t there…you haven’t BEEN there to see what I’ve seen. To watch the tears flow from her eyes and she doesn’t know why. I’ve been there to hold her hand in the hospital as her auto-immune disorder wreaked havoc on her system. I was there…holding her tight, watching our children sleep. And you say it was all “random”. It’s random you pit my wife against me? It’s random you think I’m going to tag out of this match. And I DO demand the men start this match. Todd…let’s have a chat shall we?
(Jack reaches the end of the hallway and jumps up on a production crate sliding to a stop as he slides his round frame glasses to the end of his nose before shaking his shoulders like he’s doing a samba of some sort.)
Jack Russow: TODD!!!! Todd, Todd, Toddy Todd Todd…can I call you Bitch? Imma call ya bitch. Bitch! You and I…have a bit of a problem…because ya see Bitch, I cannot allow my TAG partner…to eat my LIFE partner. D’you see where my problem is now, Todd? Well actually, it’s not so much a *ME* problem so much as it’s a…I’m going to pummel you beyond all recognition until they call you Robert Paulsen. And it’s not even entirely because I want to…though I DO…it’s because I NEED to. And I swear to God if you’re any kind of man, you’re gonna take this challenge head on and not tag out like a bitch. Because you can bet your punk bitch-ass that I’ll tag…RIGHT back in. I don’t give a FUCK if she bites my hand off. Not. Alanah. Do you understand? NOT Alanah. I will feed Twisted Sister ANYONE else in this tournament piece by piece…I’ll chop the bodies up for her like some Little Shop of Rocky Horror Picture Shit but she doesn’t get anywhere NEAR…Alanah.
(Jack jumps off the crate and flips his jacket collar up after pushing his shades back up over his eyes.)
Jack Russow: It’s nothing personal Bitch. It’s…well actually I think I’m lying, this kinda feels like the utmost epitome of personal. What with my family and the mother of my children being on the line and whatnot. Don’t get me wrong…Alanah can hold her own. Alanah can kick my ass all over this arena and I am A-Okay with that! But I’m not taking any chances…I can’t. And so this is me…with a psychotic beast in my corner and the weight of the world on my shoulders…
…so here lies Todd “The Bitch” Williams.
(Jack smirks and starts to walk off but he gets stopped by a stagehand. She hands him a box and he reads the note scribbled “Pretty bird.’ as he slides his shades down and cocks an eyebrow…he opens the box to find…a rotisserie chicken carcass.)
Jack Russow; Aww…in her own way that’s almost…sweet.
(Jack puts the lid back on and walks off with it tucked safely under his arm…its a gift after all. And as we fade to black all we hear is Jack exclaim.)
Jack Russow: …just gotta keep her from murdering my wife…
END!
